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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be tending to this grave?

158 replies

LadyRue · 17/12/2022 13:21

About a year ago I started walking through a (well lit) graveyard on my way home from work. It’s a huge shortcut and it’s actually a very nice green space.

Just off the path I noticed a grave of a young girl, fourteen who I believe had died of cancer possibly or some illness as the engrave said about her being “incredibly” brave. She has died in 1999 and isn’t much older than myself.

Anyways, her grave was very dirty and covered in weeds. So the next time I went through I cleaned it up, then I started to lay flowers to brighten it up, and change them. On her birthday, I took a lovely bouquet and ended up leaving them for five weeks as I was in hospital. I went back, they were still there and cleaned them up.

Now it’s Christmas. I was considering going to lay some poinsettias or even perhaps a little light up tree. I’m not sure why I’m doing this, I guess I feel sad to see a child’s grave so abandoned. I’m 99% sure there isn’t anyone tending to it.

However, my friend thinks I’m an absolute “freak” and has told me to stop as I’m overstepping the mark. So perhaps I should? I don’t know!

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyRue · 17/12/2022 13:23

Had Anyway ah! Cold hands typing away!

OP posts:
inthecitylateatnight · 17/12/2022 13:23

I’d be pretty weirded out if I visited the grave of my relative (child/ sister/ niece) and someone had been leaving birthday flowers etc. maybe her family don’t live nearby

OnTheRunWithMannyMontana · 17/12/2022 13:24

I think it sounds like a lovely thing to do. If it's bringing you some comfort then I would ignore your friend.

ThatshallotBaby · 17/12/2022 13:24

I think it’s a lovely thing to do. Light is symbolic of hope. For all the forgotten children Flowers

Darthwazette · 17/12/2022 13:25

I think it’s lovely. I wish all graves could be tended to. I hate seeing them so overheowny

picklemewalnuts · 17/12/2022 13:25

No, you aren't overstepping.

I understand their sensitivity. I'd be shocked if a family member's ageing grave suddenly looked new due to restoration (I've seen graves done that look shiny new as a result of stone treatments). It would bring the bereavement back as though it were fresh.

But taking flowers and clearing weeds is fine, especially if it's not been tended to at all over a several year period. Sometimes people who generally don't visit, will do at Christmas/birthday.

FadedRed · 17/12/2022 13:25

It’s lovely thing to be doing. Don’t tell your friend.

TruckerBarbie · 17/12/2022 13:26

I think it's nice. Her parents are likely elderly now and maybe she was an only child.

honeyfox · 17/12/2022 13:26

I think it's lovely! My brother died at 15 and I live 4 hours away from his grave and my other brother is in a different country. My dad looks after all the family graves but I think if he or I couldn't do it I would be so thankful.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 17/12/2022 13:26

Hi OP, I volunteer at a local church to help clear the graves and do weeding - we clean the stones, plant flowers and generally keep the place shipshape. A lot of people have told the vicar how much they appreciate the work we do, and the churchyard has become a haven for wildlife.

Ignore your friends -it's a kind and practical thing that you are doing. If she has any relatives I'm sure they'd be pleased to see that even in death someone cares enough for her to do what you are doing. What is this 'mark' they think you are overstepping, as a matter of interest?

DPotter · 17/12/2022 13:27

I think it's a lovely thing to do

Alexandernevermind · 17/12/2022 13:27

I think its a nice thing to do. Don't do the tree and lights, keep everything biodegradable. Flowers and small plants occasionally are lovely. You could leave a card in case family visit, so they know who you are.

Alexandernevermind · 17/12/2022 13:29

Forgot to add, also don't assume it's neglected because they don't care, the family might just find it too difficult to go regularly, in which case I am sure they would appreciate the fact that you have taken it on.

Natsku · 17/12/2022 13:31

That's a nice thing to do. Instead of a lit up tree how about a candle in a jar? That's what people put on graves at Christmastime in my country and I think it looks really nice

Hellno44 · 17/12/2022 13:32

I think it very kind or you.

Shejustwentthere · 17/12/2022 13:33

I think it's a nice thing to do.

Mostmarriedcouple · 17/12/2022 13:33

I think it’s lovely and id love to be friends with a person like you

Dayil · 17/12/2022 13:35

Lovely thing to do . Sometimes people end up being unable keep visiting. they might be left wondering but it’s far far nicer to return one day and discover it not looking terribly neglected.

Shejustwentthere · 17/12/2022 13:36

Natsku · 17/12/2022 13:31

That's a nice thing to do. Instead of a lit up tree how about a candle in a jar? That's what people put on graves at Christmastime in my country and I think it looks really nice

We do the same. It's like an everlasting candle (usually red? an LED light or something). It's the light of Christ I think.
Someday maybe her parents might come back and be able to face the grave.

MzLucky · 17/12/2022 13:36

I don't see any problem with it op. It's no different to the business services that you can hire to clean graves and put down flowers for you.

I didn't know such a business service existed until I was researching my family tree during lockdown and seen them advertised.

Could be a small business there for you op?

Thesearmsofmine · 17/12/2022 13:38

This is a lovely thing to do OP.
Sometimes people don’t stay living in the area or maybe they don’t visit because it’s too painful. If someone were to visit they would probably just think it was done by the people who look after the cemetery.
Occasionally(more so during covid restrictions) I’ve seen people on our local Facebook group where people aren't able to travel to visit a grave ask if someone can lay flowers for them on special days.

Iwritethissittinginthekitchensink · 17/12/2022 13:38

I disagree with everyone, I think it’s weird and overstepping. I’d be a bit cross if a stranger started tending to my husband’s grave - like they’re judging the way I choose to grieve - unless it was a close family member.

1999 is a long time ago - 23 years. It’s not everyone’s choice to express their grief by keeping tending to a grave years later as you’ll see if you look round many graveyards. In fact it gives me a lot of comfort to know that my husband’s grave is being taken over by nature and that I’m moving on by not needing to go there anymore.

I think you’d be better addressing whatever you’re feeling away from an stranger’s grave, OP. What feelings is it bringing up for you?

IHeartGeneHunt · 17/12/2022 13:38

I'm think it's nice. I prune the roses on the old graves in the cemetery we walk in.

Shejustwentthere · 17/12/2022 13:39

These look lovely for a young girl.

www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0956RSVDV?tag=track-ect-uk-574947-21&linkCode=osi&th=1&ascsubtag=ecSEP11m46utlbrziy0m

Luredbyapomegranate · 17/12/2022 13:39

It’s a nice thing to do and it brings you comfort so why not.

It would be odd if you were tending a grave that was also being tended by someone else (presumably family) but this one is abandoned.

Maybe she has no close family left or maybe they moved away and/or it’s too painful for them to come. But if I were them and I was to come and visit, I’d be pleased someone was looking after it. It’s not rocket science to figure out that it will be someone who thinks it’s sad a recent child’s grave is abandoned and wanted to do something about that.