To be tending to this grave?

[LadyRue]

About a year ago I started walking through a (well lit) graveyard on my way home from work. It’s a huge shortcut and it’s actually a very nice green space.

Just off the path I noticed a grave of a young girl, fourteen who I believe had died of cancer possibly or some illness as the engrave said about her being “incredibly” brave. She has died in 1999 and isn’t much older than myself.

Anyways, her grave was very dirty and covered in weeds. So the next time I went through I cleaned it up, then I started to lay flowers to brighten it up, and change them. On her birthday, I took a lovely bouquet and ended up leaving them for five weeks as I was in hospital. I went back, they were still there and cleaned them up.

Now it’s Christmas. I was considering going to lay some poinsettias or even perhaps a little light up tree. I’m not sure why I’m doing this, I guess I feel sad to see a child’s grave so abandoned. I’m 99% sure there isn’t anyone tending to it.

However, my friend thinks I’m an absolute “freak” and has told me to stop as I’m overstepping the mark. So perhaps I should? I don’t know!

They really don't.

I think its lovely

I think you’d be better addressing whatever you’re feeling away from an stranger’s grave, OP. What feelings is it bringing up for you?

Oh look, it's amateur therapy time. Who says the OP has any feelings to be brought up apart from the fact she feels it's sad to see a young girl's grave apparently neglected and wants to tidy it?

I just wanted to add, if there was sign of anyone tending or visiting the grave then I would of course take a step back. I don’t want to upset anyone.

I also don’t for one minute judge the family for not visiting, for some it’s just too painful and such a reminder.

I think it's sounds lovely. Her parents may be elderly, died or her family has moved away. Unkempt graves of a child who died relatively recently is very very sad.

I think you're a kind hearted soul. Beautiful gesture.

I think it’s lovely.

xfil used to do this and it was a big secret as the deceased was a local legend (had died in the 1800s). The death was mysterious and so locals assumed that the person leaving flowers was involved (that they were related to the perpetrator) and was doing it out of inherited guilt/shame. He actually did it because he visited the cemetery regularly to lay flowers on his parents graves so started taking flowers for this person too. He was a really lovely man with a huge heart.
When he passed he was buried at the same cemetery and his adult children do the same.

I think it's a lovely thing you're doing.

There's a cemetery near where I live that's virtually next to a primary school. Some of the parents have 'adopted' the graves of children that died several decades ago and I quite often see flowers on there, especially around this time of year. It's very sweet.

Hiya, I think for me it was the sadness that it’s left looking so overgrown and untended, second by the fact that it’s a child, and also that myself and her would be of a similar age if both alive.

I don’t think there’s anything deeper than that to it other the sadness at the fact that some peoples lives are cut much shorter and it’s so unfair. I definitely don’t get any sort of praise/god complex from it and my friend was the only one who knows - who then proceeded to call me a freak so I just wanted a varied opinion really.

I would say though, don't put lights on it. Biodegradable stuff only.

I think you may be over stepping the mark and, if you were, you'd never know. Perhaps the family have a philosophy about death and burial which means that what you see as ramshackle and neglected is their idea of peacefully going back to the Earth and of renewal? If that were case, they won't want your manicured and curated graveside, complete with a Christmas tree.

Keeping the grave tidy is fine, I think- at our church we tidy graves along with the gardening unless family are doing it.

The light-up tree feels like over-stepping to me. Why not use the money to give to a local gift donation scheme (something for a 14yo girl if you like)? This would be a lovely thing to do in the girl's honour and could offend nobody.

It’s quite possible that her family have also passed away now. I can’t see any harm in kindness

I actually had the opposite experience, my brother died in the 1990s and I’d moved away.
It was very sad when I saw his grave overgrown. I would have certainly been happy to see it looked after

I think it's a lovely thing to do, not strange at all. We all feel sad when we see a child's grave. I can't see how anyone who loved her could object to this

I think the clearing weeds / maintenance is a nice thing to do. It’s in a similar category for me as other community volunteering in public spaces.

I do personally feel the laying flowers at her birthday is slightly different. It’s much more personal. I can’t quite put my finger on why, but it doesn’t sit quite right with me.

Sadness is a feeling and it doesn’t need to be played out in someone else’s space.

Sounds like they don't want to visit the grave..no judgement..I can't see the harm but you shouldn't get too obsessive OP.

Just to add another aspect to think about, people pay a lot of money for grave plots - thousands of pounds - with maintenance agreements specified in the paperwork. They’re not really your land to be tending.

If you’re helping out as part of an organised thing eg with a church who need volunteers to maintain the land, that’s different.

Sadness is a feeling and it doesn’t need to be played out in someone else’s space

Deep, grasshopper. Or meaningless cobblers, I'm not quite sure. Did you watch the Queen's funeral, by any chance? because there sure was a lot of sadness being played out in a lot of people's space.

Why would you be weirded out though?

A friend of mine was murdered 22 years ago. Me and my daughter visit her grave occasionally and put flowers there but I don't feel the need to tell her parents that we have done that. And I'm pretty sure they aren't "weirded out" by someone thinking of their daughter and paying respect to their memories of her.

I think weeding and tidying the grave is fine, and a nice thing to do, but I’m on the fence about leaving flowers and things. It seems…..intrusive somehow. That’s probably not the right word - overly intimate, maybe? I think it’s a fine line to tread between caring for a ‘neglected’ grave and getting overly involved in Christmas trees and such.

I think many parents and family members would be quite upset to see that personally.

I think it is lovely, my sons grave is tended but often there will be gifts left or fresh flowers, I don't always know who leaves them but I'm touched that he is thought of, that he is still living in someone's thoughts.

Where I once lived there was an old graveyard where we found the grave of an unknown baby. It just had a little stone cross with "Baby." on it and it broke our sentimental girls' hearts. We did tidy it up and discussed planting on it (Heartsease, the native wild pansy) but I don't recall we got as far as planting... I think because the grave occupant was so young and clearly unknown as to who he/she was, it was additionally pathetic and appealing.

I think clearing weeds and tidying the grass, wiping bird poo from the top of the headstone and basic things like that are fine, but leaving additional things there less so. I wouldn't leave jars or Christmas trees, that's for relatives to do.

Tidying up & removing weeds is fine.
Scrubbing off algae to make stone shiny again or adding a decorated Christmas tree is an absolute no no.

If anyone did that to my husband's grave or my daughters (both died too young) I would feel intruded upon and stalked.

Maybe ONCE leave some flowers/ plant with a card tucked away with contact details. I would then contact, express thanks and it would give you an opportunity to offer to continue to care for the grave. And respect my decision & boundaries if I said no.

A few months after my husband died I found a spray of white roses on his grave. Obviously someone cared but I did not know who. Maybe a year later I met a previous neighbour (who had moved away) when taking kids to an activity. He said that his wife had left the flowers. I was able to thank him.

This reminds me I will go & visit him before Christmas. I won't be taking any decorations but may plant a few v late daffodil bulbs.