To be tending to this grave?

[LadyRue]

About a year ago I started walking through a (well lit) graveyard on my way home from work. It’s a huge shortcut and it’s actually a very nice green space.

Just off the path I noticed a grave of a young girl, fourteen who I believe had died of cancer possibly or some illness as the engrave said about her being “incredibly” brave. She has died in 1999 and isn’t much older than myself.

Anyways, her grave was very dirty and covered in weeds. So the next time I went through I cleaned it up, then I started to lay flowers to brighten it up, and change them. On her birthday, I took a lovely bouquet and ended up leaving them for five weeks as I was in hospital. I went back, they were still there and cleaned them up.

Now it’s Christmas. I was considering going to lay some poinsettias or even perhaps a little light up tree. I’m not sure why I’m doing this, I guess I feel sad to see a child’s grave so abandoned. I’m 99% sure there isn’t anyone tending to it.

However, my friend thinks I’m an absolute “freak” and has told me to stop as I’m overstepping the mark. So perhaps I should? I don’t know!

I agree with this. Who is benefitting from you doing this OP? The girl herself - well no, because very sadly she is dead. The relatives - no, because they don't know you're doing it. But you - yes, you must feel good for doing it or you wouldn't bother. I can't see any harm in carrying on, but agree that you should stick to leaving natural things only.

I think it’s lovely.

Churches are actually crying out for people to help maintain their graveyards. Why not pay a visit to the office and see if there’s more you can do to help.

Keeping the grave neat and tidy is fine, putting plastic LED trees or eternal lights is really odd. The reality is that the girl in the grave is dead and will not benefit from these things. Someone owns the grave, whether or not they visit and its not appropriate to leave 'stuff' on it.

I think natural things like primroses are fine, I wouldn't leave cut flowers unless I was coming back to remove them as they die and that looks worse.

I think it's a lovely thing to do.
My brother died years ago when I was a teenager. I've only been to his grave a couple of times. I can't bear to go and I just feel so heartbroken to see his name there on his headstone. So I rarely go. Maybe once every 5 years.
It may sound strange but I would like to think someone was going to his grave and tending to it, taking flowers etc. i just can't bear to go myself.

I’d hate it if you did this to my dead child’s grave. Weeding and clearing dead leaves I would assume is part of general maintenance/gardening but flowers for their birthdays and gewgaws would be awful and intrusive. It’s not your grief, it’s not your dead brave child. What are you thinking to insert yourself this way into this tragedy?

I've never googled it so was surprised nothing came up when you searched it. I was answering your question genuinely so not sure why you have the attitude there.

If you can't see that a stranger tending a grave, wanting to leave a Christmas tree, taking flowers, clearing up, trying to figure out cause of death, remembering a strangers birthday and laying flowers, then talking to her friend about her 'good' deeds and then, when she didn't get the required response, taking it to MN could be perceived as grief tourism then I don't really know what to tell you. Clearly we have different opinions on it.

My opinion comes from numerous people acting in ways where they try to take over my grief, and what I want after the deaths of my children. Even strangers have done this, and 'grieved' for my children they have never met at all. Its very common, and, in my opinion, the op is doing an extention of this by making this child's grave a project for her. Even if her intentions are pure.

I think it’s lovely. I’ve seen TikTok accounts dedicated to cleaning up neglected or forgotten about graves and I think it’s a nice thing to do.

I agree with this poster but we seem to be in the minority.

Blimey.

Perhaps you could address your anger issues before using the OP as a punch bag eh?

Nothing she’s said indicates she’s looking for aren’t you lovely comments. She just wants to know if she’s overstepping a boundary.

I’d find it weird and intrusive, too. A bit of weeding, maybe, but leaving flowers and actual tat? Really don’t.

It could be grief tourism, but it also might not be. It doesn’t appear to be to me.

But anyway your objections seem to be about your personal experience. I am
sorry for your losses, but you are projecting.

The old ladies who keep giving money to the local heroin addicts outside Sainsbury's say they can't see any harm in kindness too. Doesn't seem to occur to the that they are a part of the problem, feeding drug habits and encouraging more begging. Extreme example of unrequested 'kindness' of course.

I think In this situation it would be better to just do some research and find out who owns the grave and if they actually want a random stranger taking ownership of tending it. It does seem a little presumptuous and I can see why some people may consider it greif tourism/virtue signalling just so that you can be told how lovely you are for your own self validation.

I think graves are a very personal thing and I wouldn't feel comfortable if I hadn't tended a loved ones grave for a long time to find someone else had been putting flowers and tributes on it without asking because they decided it looked messy. It's a lovely idea yes, but perhaps find out first.

MN is about asking people for their views based on their personal experiences so, yes, I'm giving my views based on my personal experiences. It doesn't make my opinion less valid because mine is a minority opinion on the thread.

I think it's very kind of you to keep the grave tidy but how do you even know when her birthday was?

I was uncomfortable with plastic angels being left on my DD's grave. Flowers have been left a couple of times, no idea who by.

From the gravestone, I presume?

OP go ahead it's a nice thing to do. We live next door to a graveyard and me and my son frequently tend to people's graves in the winter and water their flowers in the summer.
You are doing a good thing

This

you have a kind heart OP

I’m another one that thinks it’s lovely.

As you said, if you thought it was being looked after you’d step back.

keep up the good work x

Keeping it tidy is fine but don't add anything to it. Don't assume a grave that isn't tended is forgotten about. I used to visit my son's grave a lot but these days I rarely go because he isn't there. He is always with me.

I lost 2 babies and I very rarely go to the graves as I find it to hard. I once went and someone had planted some bulbs, it really touched me and I will be forever greatful.

We don't use LED ones, just simple oil candles that burn for a few days like this www.motonet.fi/fi/tuote/8600397/Hautakynttila-Sydan-120-h (used that one on our cat's grave on her birthday, and going to put a new candle in the jar to put on the grave for Christmas)

@SalviaOfficinalis I agree with you

Weeding / keeping it tidy is respectful

But I wouldn't want a stranger decorating my family grave

I think it's nice that you tend it, but please, please don't leave anything that isn't biodegradable. It's a complete pain for the people that actually look after the graveyards in my experience. Most also have rules about what can be left. I'm involved with our local church and we had a gardener injured when he was strimming the graves because someone had left a glass jar which had been buried in the grass and it shattered spraying shards everywhere.