To be tending to this grave?

[LadyRue]

About a year ago I started walking through a (well lit) graveyard on my way home from work. It’s a huge shortcut and it’s actually a very nice green space.

Just off the path I noticed a grave of a young girl, fourteen who I believe had died of cancer possibly or some illness as the engrave said about her being “incredibly” brave. She has died in 1999 and isn’t much older than myself.

Anyways, her grave was very dirty and covered in weeds. So the next time I went through I cleaned it up, then I started to lay flowers to brighten it up, and change them. On her birthday, I took a lovely bouquet and ended up leaving them for five weeks as I was in hospital. I went back, they were still there and cleaned them up.

Now it’s Christmas. I was considering going to lay some poinsettias or even perhaps a little light up tree. I’m not sure why I’m doing this, I guess I feel sad to see a child’s grave so abandoned. I’m 99% sure there isn’t anyone tending to it.

However, my friend thinks I’m an absolute “freak” and has told me to stop as I’m overstepping the mark. So perhaps I should? I don’t know!

I wouldn’t like this at all to be honest. My son died 15 years ago and I don’t often go. That’s because I don’t need a grave to remember him - I do that every single day, I also find it very difficult to go.

So, you may think that his grave looks ‘neglected’ but believe me it’s not. We go when we want and need to. Special days, Christmas etc. This my sons grave, my child. I don’t want or need anyone else to tend to it and would find it both intrusive and totally inappropriate.

What you are doing makes me uncomfortable. Sorry.

Light is symbolic of hope. For all the forgotten children

But you can't know she's a forgotten child. She might be very well remembered.

I would not like this if someone did this to my child's grave. I find it hard to visit my sons grave but I would find it very odd if some stranger were leaving things at his grave. Tidying up is one thing, but leaving things there from a stranger would make me feel very uncomfortable.

I think it's a nice thing to do, and you sound lovely OP. It's nothing to do with your friend.

Tidying up is fine, up to a point: one close relative’s gravestone is far from where we all live, but somewhere meaningful, and when I do visit I like that it’s part of the land, there’s moss and grass, yew needles, and a sense of belonging. I think I’d be devastated if it got the full clean-up treatment.

Leaving things you (generic you, not you OP) think are nice – poinsettias, light-up trees, those awful Amazon fairy jars someone linked upthread, LED candles, whatever – is reprehensible in my opinion. Commandeering someone else’s grave and someone else’s grief with tat and clutter when you have no idea about them is a huge violation.

You're a sweetheart op . What a lovely and kind thing to do.

. For you x

No. You have no idea of the circumstances and shouldn't be leaving flowers or light up trees.

This . You sound very caring .

I think what you’re doing is very nice but I’d stick to keeping it looking nice and leaving a small posy of flowers.

I like the Jewish tradition of leaving a stone on the gravestone to mark someone has visited. Perhaps that’s something you could do?

I think it's invasive. 1999 isn't that long ago and there's a good chance her loved ones visit occasionally. Your actions won't necessarily be well received. I would find it unnerving to think a stranger had taken it upon themselves to grieve my child. It might make some people feel like you're saying they don't care about her by "neglecting" her grave. It's presumptuous to think it's abandoned.

If you'd like to help with maintenance of the cemetery, speak to the gardener. I'm sure they'll be happy for the help. My local cemetery allows you to adopt graves that are definitely no longer visited.

I am also wondering why you feel this desire to visit. I noticed you said she'd be not much older than you if she was still alive. I'm wondering whether you may be thinking about what you want in life, how you want to be remembered, or if something has reminded you of your mortality. These are just some ideas, but it may be worth looking at your thoughts, feelings and current situation to find out what tending this grave offers you and perhaps other ways to meet the need.

I don't know if the OP is still reading and I'm sure she was well-motivated, but IMO, so many people here have said they'd be uncomfortable and unhappy that the kinder and more caring thing now would be to stop.

Walk past and think about her (and others) OP, but let it rest in future.

I think it's lovely as long as you don't feel obsessed.

I don't think you are doing anything wrong.

Also, some people's "weeds" are someone else's pov of natural flowers

What if the child's family had planted wild flower seeds or a plant that in other people pov was a weed it might be how they wanted the grave to be

It is not anything to do with anyone else how they want their child's grave to look

If the "weeds" are growing over onto the path then yes cut them back but it is not anything to do with you how the child's family want their grave to look (if they are growing over a neighbouring grave then cut them back)

Please think about the families of these children and don't upset them even more - even though I realise you are not trying to upset them but you think you are being kind ( IMHO you are not being kind at all)

Even if the families are the same opinion as you they might not be and have the same opinion as me and the other grieving parents on here, you don't know which side they are on, so your actions might cause them to feel very upset with your interference

Please just leave these graves alone

My uncle died young around that time. My Nanna is still alive and while she hasn't visited his grave in a very long time it is still her sons resting place. Her son. She would feel tremendous guilt if we went there one day and she saw someone else had tended the grave. Imagine the grief, then add guilt, then suddenly the 'why' has someone done this'. I have visited his grave many times over the years; I am aware it looks a bit like it needs tlc but actually my Nanna never did that because she wanted nature to do its job. She likes that the grave looks old rather then fresh, she is happy with the overgrowth signifying the passing of time.

People saying it's a lovely thing to do are completely dismissive of the persons relatives. We don't all tend to graves and place things around them, but sometimes we do still visit.

I don't understand why people think it is "kind" and "lovely" to interfere with other people's grief

Please everyone leave other people's family graves alone

It is not your decision how they want their children's grave to look

There are enough parents and families on here that say please stop and you don't know if they are the parents or families of the graves you are interfering with

Please just stop interfering with them

A few years ago whilst researching ww1 soldiers buried in our local graveyard, I found hidden in a corner the grave of a young man who was Belgian.
It was horribly over grown and untended.
I cleared the grave and sowed some poppy seeds which come up each year still.
I researched the young man, he died 1917 and was part of the bicycle infantry.
I would hope that if any of his descendants found his grave that they would be touched that it's been cared for.

I think clearing the weeds is ok, but I think repeatedly buying flowers and visiting as often as you seem to be is overstepping a mark.

It reads a bit like you're creating a character of who she was rather than remembering her in her own right, because you don't know anything about her, including how she died.

I sometimes tend my friend's grave which I know is slightly different as I did know her, but I get what you mean; it does feel like overstepping the mark somehow when there are still family around.

She was a single parent and was killed in car accident a year ago; her teenage children moved to live with their dad and his new wife elsewhere in the country. Her brother very occasionally visits (high days and holidays) and leaves something in a vase or pot - but I pass though the churchyard a couple of times a week.

She loved gardening and I hated to see the burial plot so unloved so I planted some bits and bulbs there last autumn and I will do so again in the spring.

Cranberry I see that is completely different, you knew her, her family and she was your friend so what you are doing is lovely

However, these people who do it to random graves did not ever know these families or babies or children or how the parents/family feel about what they are doing

That is what is wrong with it they are making a judgement on what they think rather than thinking about the families of the child or person

To those who wouldn't like it - what if one of the girls friends was doing it? The family doesn't know that it isn't. Is grieving for family only?

It's very maudlin, you don't know whoever this girl was and are trying to make a random connection that you're the same age. It's a grave and she's long gone. People waste their time and money on all sorts of things, so if this is your pick then it doesn't matter. Your time, money and effort would be better spent on charities for teenagers who have cancer now though, if you find yourself at a loose end for things to do.

Have you ever seen a gravestone? Or are you on glue?

If the family don't know who is doing it then it makes no difference if it is a friend or a stranger. The only way a friend should be doing anything to a grave is with permission of the family