To be tending to this grave?

[LadyRue]

About a year ago I started walking through a (well lit) graveyard on my way home from work. It’s a huge shortcut and it’s actually a very nice green space.

Just off the path I noticed a grave of a young girl, fourteen who I believe had died of cancer possibly or some illness as the engrave said about her being “incredibly” brave. She has died in 1999 and isn’t much older than myself.

Anyways, her grave was very dirty and covered in weeds. So the next time I went through I cleaned it up, then I started to lay flowers to brighten it up, and change them. On her birthday, I took a lovely bouquet and ended up leaving them for five weeks as I was in hospital. I went back, they were still there and cleaned them up.

Now it’s Christmas. I was considering going to lay some poinsettias or even perhaps a little light up tree. I’m not sure why I’m doing this, I guess I feel sad to see a child’s grave so abandoned. I’m 99% sure there isn’t anyone tending to it.

However, my friend thinks I’m an absolute “freak” and has told me to stop as I’m overstepping the mark. So perhaps I should? I don’t know!

Such a variety of opinions OP. It shows me that there is still such a taboo around death/ how to behave around death and dying.
I am sorry to all of the posters who have lost someone dear to them.

Whether we like it or not this grave has resonated with the OP in some way and not in the same way for others …. Just as some of us donate to charity for animals and some chose to support air ambulance or Samaritans, their work resonates with us.

I think if a human wants to show some kindness in a respectful way - they can.

I think that if you confine it to simple flowers, and no elaborate bouquets or lights and decorations, if her family do visit again it wouldn't be so startling. Weed clearing and gravestone cleaning, and a few wildflowers could be seen as part of the work and maintenance done by the church or whoever is caretaker.

Under your own thinking you are now going to have to tend to this grave for the rest of your life now.

I think bringing birthday/Christmas flowers is possibly overstepping the line. Although I appreciate it is down with the best of intentions.

But clearing weeds and keeping the area tidy is a nice gesture.

If the poor girl was born in 1985, her parents aren’t likely to be that elderly I wouldn’t have thought. Possible, but not likely. Almost certainly under 70, at which age most people are perfectly active and mobile. More likely that they’ve moved away from the area perhaps?

It's something I remember reading about, albeit rarely, in childhood books. A grave or tomb of a similar age child being tended to or flowers left.

I've got to admit I have rolled my eyes at the grief tourism suggestions. It doesn't come across to me as that at all. Yes I wouldn't leave lights and xmas trees etc but giving it a tidy up I think is lovely.
There have been suggestions of certain cultures that don't tend to graves, out of interest what are these cultures? This is a genuine question as I've never come across this before and nothing is really coming up on Google.

@Shejustwentthere I think they're very pretty
@LadyRue I'd just stick to keeping it tidy, what a lovely kind thing to do

It nice to be nice and if this makes you feel good and d9es not offend in any way then why not tend to the grave.
I live in a different country to my grandparents graves and only get to them very infrequently. I'd be delighted if someone felt the urge to tend to them and would mot take offence.
Perhaps this girls family have moved away from the area, who knows?

I was googling the eternal light thing for the graves and they came up and I thought they were nicer. This is what is typically used. www.churchsupplies.com/store/cemetery-candle-rembrance-light-emkay-1001-47-52-50.shtml

I love the other side of the country to my sister’s grave. I’d feel really heartened if someone did this.

It is a lovely thing to do and I think most, rational relatives would think the same. The dead only live on if remembered and it seems for, whatever reason, no one is able to tend to this girls grave and I would be touched if it was someone I loved. I would be more concerned about being 'weirded out' by a simple act of kindness and those who have become so insular that they assume such acts are self-serving. I do understand @KitchiHuritAngeni post re grief tourism, having lost a child and DH at a relatively young age- however for me this is more connected to some people we know and them hijacking our reality and the competitive grief. We do not have graves but this would not bother me at all.

Bereaved parents get a lot of grief tourism, people want to insert themselves into certain aspects of grieving so they get the experience without the absolutely soul crushing loss involved, and they can walk away any time they like from it. You may eye roll, but its very common, and, although op does sound very kind, there is an element of this here.

I'm surprised Google doesn't bring anything up, there are various indigionous tribes that have a very natural approach to the earth reclaiming bodies of those we love, and there are many of us in the UK.

It was me that used the phrase grief tourism. And I didn’t use it about the OP tending the grave. I said it because grief tourism - and virtue signalling - for me, because she told her friend then posted on here. Where I expect she knew she’d get or was at least hoping for, “aren’t you lovely?” replies.

I’ve been accused of lacking Xmas spirit… if OP were my friend and I happened to walk by and see her and ask about the bereavement, I might well think she’s lovely.

I just question her motives in drawing attention to her actions.

Speaking as someone who lost a mum, dad and sibling in the space of 4 years and who has been deliberately kept away from their graves because a relative dictated that they be buried in an inaccessible graveyard on a mountain, I can say I'd be very grateful and I think you are doing a kind thing. I don't want my family plot to fall to ruin but nobody goes there and I physically can't get there. From experience I can say that the little tree, although a lovely idea, will quickly look weather worn.

i thought I was the only person in the world who did this! There is a grave of a 4 year old little boy near my grandparents grave. He died in the early 1960s and I suspect nobody is left or in a position to take care of the grave. I tidy it and I always take a little Xmas tree up every year. I can’t bear seeing a child’s grave untended. I suspect he was very much loved because there was such thought and care that went into his gravestone.

This is such a lovely, kind thing to do ❤️ I pass a gravestone on the way to our family plot, and recognised the name. Turns out it is the friend of a good friend of mine. She also died aged 14 and nobody seems to tend her gravestone, so I always leave her a little bunch whenever I visit

This is the reason I would hate to be buried. At some point the grave is no longer tended and it looks neglectful on r family's part (when it isn't at all, it's just one of those things).

What you're doing is harmless, but utterly pointless. Nobody benefits from it, although I assume it makes you feel good so no harm in carrying on.

I think that’s a lovely thing to do. Whatever the circumstances are around her grave being unkempt, I think if I was a relative I would appreciate it. You aren’t stepping on anyone else’s toes as there is no evidence of anyone else going there. Also you are showing the deceased that somebody cares, no different to a stranger doing an act of kindness for a living person. Good on you.

@KitchiHuritAngeni I can't see where the OP has said anything about grieving for this person though? I'm not saying grief tourism isn't a thing because I believe it is, surely though there is a difference between feeling a bit sad for someone to actively grieving?
And no there wasn't anything that came up on the first few pages of a Google search, the info that came up was relating to cultures that don't bury their dead which wasn't what I was asking about. No point acting mock surprised.

I'd be delighted and grateful if someone was caring for the grave of one of my family members.

Perhaps the parents have moved away because the place holds too many sad memories? Or visiting the grave is just too upsetting. Who knows?

I think it's a lovely thing for you to do.

This may seem odd but I wonder if you've tried to find out more about her?

I'm a similar age and my parents are barely into their sixties. I'd guess they have moved or just don't do graves, my DGM sees my DGF as being in her memories not in the graveyard.

I think it’s a lovely thing to do

I think it's a lovely thing to do for a young child. What about a hellebore, the Christmas rose? Ours has been flowering since November and will do so until about the middle of January. Natural,returns each year and is pretty when very little else is around.