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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be tending to this grave?

158 replies

LadyRue · 17/12/2022 13:21

About a year ago I started walking through a (well lit) graveyard on my way home from work. It’s a huge shortcut and it’s actually a very nice green space.

Just off the path I noticed a grave of a young girl, fourteen who I believe had died of cancer possibly or some illness as the engrave said about her being “incredibly” brave. She has died in 1999 and isn’t much older than myself.

Anyways, her grave was very dirty and covered in weeds. So the next time I went through I cleaned it up, then I started to lay flowers to brighten it up, and change them. On her birthday, I took a lovely bouquet and ended up leaving them for five weeks as I was in hospital. I went back, they were still there and cleaned them up.

Now it’s Christmas. I was considering going to lay some poinsettias or even perhaps a little light up tree. I’m not sure why I’m doing this, I guess I feel sad to see a child’s grave so abandoned. I’m 99% sure there isn’t anyone tending to it.

However, my friend thinks I’m an absolute “freak” and has told me to stop as I’m overstepping the mark. So perhaps I should? I don’t know!

OP posts:
KitchiHuritAngeni · 18/12/2022 09:48

BaileySharp · 18/12/2022 09:04

To those who wouldn't like it - what if one of the girls friends was doing it? The family doesn't know that it isn't. Is grieving for family only?

Of course grieving isn't for family only, but tending to the grave is, unless the family ask, or have given the OK.

A friend would also be aware of what the family culture is, and if they even celebrated christmas, let alone wanted a tree there etc.

The op is making decisions about this child's grave based on what she wants to do, what she celebrates, how she thinks a grave should look, with no idea about the child or her family.

ohyouknowwhatshername · 18/12/2022 10:13

MRex · 18/12/2022 09:11

It's very maudlin, you don't know whoever this girl was and are trying to make a random connection that you're the same age. It's a grave and she's long gone. People waste their time and money on all sorts of things, so if this is your pick then it doesn't matter. Your time, money and effort would be better spent on charities for teenagers who have cancer now though, if you find yourself at a loose end for things to do.

I agree with you @MRex Putting time and energy into a teenage charity would be a much better use of OPs time. Thats a great idea.
I hope the OP comes back to see some of the latest replies. It may give her a different perspective.

florriemoss · 18/12/2022 15:26

cheshirecatssmile · 18/12/2022 08:35

A few years ago whilst researching ww1 soldiers buried in our local graveyard, I found hidden in a corner the grave of a young man who was Belgian.
It was horribly over grown and untended.
I cleared the grave and sowed some poppy seeds which come up each year still.
I researched the young man, he died 1917 and was part of the bicycle infantry.
I would hope that if any of his descendants found his grave that they would be touched that it's been cared for.

That's a lovely thing to do and that you took the trouble of researching.

LlynTegid · 18/12/2022 15:36

Cleaning the grave yes, not sure about the other things you plan to do. I think in the new year you should try to find out if you can why it is not being tended to, if at all possible.

Willyoujustbequiet · 18/12/2022 15:41

Its absolutely wonderful that you do this OP. Restores my faith in humanity.

Underhisi · 18/12/2022 15:54

"Light is symbolic of hope. For all the forgotten children"

Why do you assume this or any other child is a forgotten child? Bereaved parents do not generally forget their child.

vvvvb · 18/12/2022 16:04

Please do not clean the grave or the especially stone

You can damage the lettering

Also, it is not any of your business what their child's grave looks like.

It is not your child or family member

Please leave other people's family graves alone

It is not your job to judge them on their family grief

Please go and work with a bereavement charity if you want to do something useful or in your opinion "kind" and "lovely"

These actions are neither kind or lovely

2bazookas · 18/12/2022 16:37

This is not an ancient grave, it's so recent there may well be surviving family members , perhaps siblings who might be upset by any stranger interference with the resting place, or any additions they consider inappropriate. There may be good reasons they rarely visit but that is not your concern.

There will be records held for that grave, you should contact the owner of the graveyard and discreetly ask their POV. There may be graves where your care would be really welcome.

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