Are we secretly communicating through social media or am I nuts?

[Letstakeitbacktothenineties]

Ok, so this is quite hard to explain/understand maybe, but I know I’m not imagining it 🙈
Used to go out with a guy when in my teens, lived in the same area, had the same friends etc. I moved away, he moved away..and so life goes.
around ten years ago, we connected on Fb and began chatting, I was with someone at the time, he wasn’t. We chatted as friends but had the most incredible connection, I’d look forward to hearing from him, he was so interesting, clever, funny etc and there was just something so strong between us. I live abroad and regularly went back to our home town, as did he. He asked to meet up many times (as friends) I really wanted to but ending up backing out due to my partner at the time. He wasn’t happy I don’t think and we stopped contact for ages. He’d occasionally contact me, every couple of years and I’d feel over the moon about it but was never in a position to meet up as by that stage I was pregnant and scared it would be more than friends. He ended up meeting someone (I could see from his social media) and he moved abroad and got married, I felt pretty devastated and didn’t want to see pics etc so unfriended him on Fb etc. I did a sneaky look on Instagram a few times (he had profile open) but then he put on private, mine was open at times and then on private.
Now for the crazy sounding part…when I’ve had mine open for a while, his is then open not long after. When I put mine back on private, his is then put back on private. I put mine on private for a long time (due to pics of Dd) when I put it open, a few days later he was gone..on Instagram and Fb and had blocked me (friend is still able to see him) and so this pattern continues sometimes. My point is that after every time I’ve put it on public so he can see my pics..a few days later he does something with his account.
I realise this sounds weird and as though I’m reading too much into things..but I really don’t think I am, am I?!

OP I think this is at best: wishful thinking, at worst: De Clerambault‘s syndrome

I really think you should leave it alone

@WarriorsComeOutToPlayaaay Just had to look that up, it doesn’t fit at all.
Its also strange that when I started to show my best friend each time, she said it was weird too and saw it.

I will just block I think and forget about it then, but I still find it weird and know I’m not imagining it

He does not want to talk to you

@squidgybits Ok

No love what you are describing is not communication, 'secret' or otherwise. It makes me feel quite sad for you that you are on here seeking validation for your irrational belief in a non-existent relationship. Probably it is easier for you to indulge this fantasy than to risk a real relationship right now as you are still healing from your breakup. That is OK. But when you are ready to move on it won't be with this guy. He is a mirage x

How do you know how often he has his profile on public and private unless you are regularly checking it to see? How do you know he doesn’t change from public to private every few days unless you are checking it regularly? If you only check it occasionally maybe it’s just coincidence the times you’ve checked coincide with times you’ve changed your profile, there might be hundreds of times you haven’t checked the status of his profile where he’s changed from private to public.

OP if you're single now just bite the bullet and message him. Maybe he'll be single too. No point in doing your own head in over this kind of stuff.

None of us could possible tell you. We don’t have any more insight than you do. If you’re single and think he is why don’t you just message him rather than playing games teenagers play.

Oh dear no.

How old are you?!

@Letstakeitbacktothenineties
it feels like you’re protesting too much. You apparently hardly ever look on his profile, you hardly ever set yours to public, you keep saying you forget about it for ages and don’t think of him much but you’re doing all this often enough that you’ve noticed this apparent ‘pattern’ emerging.

I think what’s happening is confirmation bias - you’re finding evidence to support what you want to believe is happening. Perhaps you noticed one time that he set his account to public, you thought perhaps it was because of you and now you’re looking for it every time you set yours to public because that’s what you want to believe is happening.

FWIW I don’t think many men would play such vague, ambiguous games as this would be if it is actually what’s happening. It relies on him assuming you’ll be checking his profile a lot to know he’s set his to public in order for it to work - how does he know you’d do this? Also you say it’s always him doing this but you’re the one who is looking at his profile to know he’s set it to public, is that right?

I mean this kindly, but I think you’ve imagined yourself into quite the situation here. If he wanted to communicate with you he would just message you, surely? Or like or comment on a post? If you want to know either way why don’t you message him?

I really think you need to message or add this man.

I think she needs to leave him alone

@Letstakeitbacktothenineties
How do you know what he does with his accounts unless you're checking?

Forget about all this, it's really not healthy. Take a look at your life and figure out where you can make improvements and feel more fulfilled and happy because emotionally/mentally healthy people don't imagine that others are secretly communicating with them via social media.

Shame on your friend for encouraging you rather than telling you to let this go and to stop stalking this guy online.

If he wanted to contact you he would, the fact he blocks you means he doesn't so why spend another minute thinking about him? He's in the past, focus on the future.

The only way you could possibly know any of this is if you are constantly stalking his profile to see whether it is public or not. So why are you?

I think you knocked this guy back enough. Playing devil’s advocate, even if he were interested right now, it doesn’t seem as if this would ever be a relationship with legs. It sounds more like you enjoyed the fantasy, escapism and chase. Regardless of whether or not this is a coincidence, it doesn’t sound as if this is the one, who got away because if he were, wouldn’t you have finished with your ex? Does that sound about right?

Just send him a message and have a catch up. You're single now, so you're not doing anything wrong.

And say what? I've been looking at your social media for years seeing if I'm blocked or not?

What are you achieving by regularly changing from private to public?

Surely you either want it accessible to all, or you don't want anyone you don't know seeing your content?

I'm baffled why you keep changing it.

This. I think you're scared to in case you make a fool out of yourself but if he was really the one for you you'd just be a lot more open about things. I think you're enjoying an imaginary play, sorry. I don't thinned indulging in the same.

Why do you think he blocked you?

I've never blocked anyone on FB so I'm imagining you'd need to provoke quite a strong reaction in someone for them to block you? Or is blocking people normal for your peer group?

I'm not someone who constantly switches my profile from private to public ever, which I do find bizarre, but I doubt he is copying you op and if he was wouldn't you think that's a bit stalkerish and want to lock your profile and run away?

Do people switch from public to private and back again? Really?

Im on private all the time due to a stalking incident (from another female). It made me completely rethink my social media use and I either deleted accounts or completely locked them down. I rarely post either.

The incident that happened was very, very upsetting.

Please don’t be that person. It sounds like you are heading that way though.

I would message him but say

Bit of a blast from the past. I’m so and so from school. I live in France now. I hear you are married and live abroad too. If you are around home town over Christmas with your wife and family it will be nice to catch up. I have a daughter who is 5. My daughter and I often head back to Bristol to catch up with family.

that’s non threatening to his wife and making it clear you will meet them all. Don’t meet him without his wife.

I broke up with a wonderful partner at 24 he was great and we were living together - he married my friend and they now live in a house that is huge with 3 children - I built him up as the one that got away the reality was in 3 years he had not talked about marriage, the future, children, getting engaged etc

I think you've overly romanticised your past with this man (easily done, just think how many love songs are based on 'the one that got away') and are looking for signs. Your friend is encouraging it because that's what girlfriends tend to do in these situations.

But for argument sake say all this profile changing is communication. What could he be communicating by blocking you? That isn't a good sign surely, eliminating means of actually communicating with him?