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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sitting with my dying dad - this is so unfair

283 replies

thegreenlight · 16/12/2022 20:41

Just that - it’s so cruel. My mum and I just have to sit here and wait for everything to fail. He was given 24-48 hours yesterday. It’s torture.

OP posts:
Nottogetapenny · 17/12/2022 08:40

Just thing what your dad would want you to do, about taking your children to see Santa. I’m sure he would want you to go, and if anything happens while you are away, that’s how your dad would want it to be! If it did he would be looking down on you and your family smiling!

Whycatspaint · 17/12/2022 09:14

sending much love to you. I sat at my dads beside end of October for a day and a half as the nurses said his time was near. He passed away overnight when mum and I went home to get some sleep. The nurses say sometimes they go when their loved ones aren’t there. So never reproach yourself if you do have to go. Sending hugs xx

Sausagedognamedmash · 17/12/2022 09:16

I am so sorry you are going through this. 9 months ago this was me with my grandad. The waiting is the hardest part, knowing what's coming and knowing it will be devestatingly sad but also a relief.

Be kind to yourself and take care. Do what you need to do. DH can always take the kids to santa if you don't feel you can leave, but don't allow yourself to feel guilt either way, it's a terrible choice to have to make.

Doihavetogotoworkdotcom1 · 17/12/2022 09:33

Thinking of you. I have recently been there with both my Dad and my Grandad. I know exactly how you are d
feeling. Thinking of you.

Biscuitburglar · 17/12/2022 10:14

Just to say I read your first post yesterday and having been thinking about you a lot since then. Sending you love and strength for today xx

oakleaffy · 17/12/2022 10:40

@thegreenlight Dying can take a long time. (Days in some cases)
Our Dad took days and nights-With lovely District Nurses (Years before the Covid debacle
)
It’s uniquely upsetting to witness, especially so in a hospital, as you aren’t in a home environment with familiar things about one.

But the plus side to being in a hospital is that nurses are on hand all the time .
Re your children seeing Father Christmas, could your husband take them?
Or, if at local place , you could go ( and get a break from sitting still and get a breath of fresh , outdoor air)

Thinking of you, your Mum and Lovely Dad x

Original poster
thegreenlight · 17/12/2022 10:50

DH has taken the boys for their Christmas hair cut and then to see Father Christmas. My mum has gone to get us some bits so we can stay. You have no idea how comforting I’m finding all your messages x thank you x

OP posts:
ArabellaScott · 17/12/2022 11:02

Sending you good thoughts today, OP.

LadyWhistledownsPen · 17/12/2022 11:28

I'm so sorry. I've been where you are with my Nana. Sending lots of love and virtual hugs

Nottogetapenny · 17/12/2022 11:28

Many of us have gone through the same thing! So we know how you feel, a mixture of hope he at peace really soon, but also dreading when it happens. I couldn’t have wish for more amazing parents than my sister and I had! Their legacy of unconditional love, support and always being there goes on with our families, and it’s sounds the same for yours. Nothing can take away your very precious memories of your very dear dad. 🌸😘

Member869894 · 17/12/2022 11:34

I've been where you are too. Its hard you want them to go to but never to leave you at the same time. It's such a strange thing to be going through something so huge to you whilst the rest of the world carries on. Sending you and your mum warm wishes and strength xx

Scautish · 17/12/2022 11:51

Sending positive thoughts OP. It’s a horrible position with so many conflicting feelings. I’ve been there with my Mum.

your love for your dad shines through so strongly in your posts.

fedupofthiscoldffs · 17/12/2022 12:46

I'm so sorry this must be awful for you.
Sending hugs

jezlifecoach · 17/12/2022 12:59

I’ve also been where you are when I was 22. My dad had prostate cancer which he lived with for years absolutely fine until it spread and then it was a rapid decline over about two weeks. The final days were the worst of my life and my mother and I were right to him when he took his final breaths. That was in 2015 and I miss him every day. So much of my life has changed and I just want to tell him all about it! The only things I could take comfort in was the fact that he was a great dad and I was there in his final moments - which is all you can do. You are a human going through a terrible time, your emotions are valid and there is a big community of people here for you. Sending you love x

oakleaffy · 17/12/2022 13:09

@thegreenlight I'm glad your boys could get to see Father Christmas with their Dad.
It's such a strange feeling, being at the bedside of a loved one departing this life..It's as if one is a pebble in a stream ..Stationary, while all around life goes on as normal.
I popped over to Waitrose when Dad was dying, to get essentials, and I felt ''How can this all be so normal?..How can people just be carrying on when our lives are changing forever?''

It was a surreal feeling.
And hoping that Dad hadn't chosen to 'go' while I was buying bread and soup for us.

I was stunned at the insensitivity of the person who criticised you for posting on here at your Dad's bedside...
She clearly hasn't sat at a loved one's bedside for many hours, and often the loved one is sleeping, and reading a book, texting, doing a crossword are all things we did when we were sitting with Dad.

It's more of a Vigil than a need to be constantly chattering away to the person who is dying.

Your Dad would understand.

Knittinglikemad · 17/12/2022 13:24

Just to say I am thinking of you all x

hlc123 · 17/12/2022 17:01

Have been thinking of you and your family today thegreenlight

Wrinklydinkly · 17/12/2022 17:31

I went through it 18 years ago with mum, ignore the rest of the world for now.you have inner strength you only find when you need it .

Trainbear · 17/12/2022 17:35

Talk to him. Keep talking to him. Tell him everything you could possibly want to tell him. It is very likely that he can hear you. He may not acknowledge.
Gentle hugs.

Twillow · 17/12/2022 17:39

It is horrible and hard and unreal all at the same time, but when my parents died I felt it was, and I hope it will be for you, an honour and a comfort to be there at the end.

Valeriekat · 17/12/2022 19:15

You are both angels.

iamtuftyclub · 17/12/2022 19:38

I sat with my mother on Wednesday, it's an awful thing to have to do, but in time it'll give you comfort that you were there for them when he needed you.

Octopus45 · 17/12/2022 20:25

Just checking in to send you a virtual hug.

Edinlassy · 17/12/2022 20:34

Popping back to send you some strength too x

Original poster
thegreenlight · 17/12/2022 20:48

He’s still hanging on. Getting weaker and less responsive. Another night here for us. Thankyou so so much everyone. You’re keeping me going - mum and I are in matching pajamas - it’s like the world’s saddest slumber party. He’s still giving our hands little squeezes.

OP posts:
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