4yo daughter calling strangers fat

[Twobirdsinatree]

I think I might be overreacting here but this has really upset me and I dont know how to handle it at all.
My 4yo daughter has started calling strangers fat in a derogatory way.
Today we were in the doctors waiting room and she walked over to a young woman who was very obese and said 'you are a fat chungus, look at the fat chungus' and laughed. I was absolutely mortified. She has not heard this from me or her father. I am overweight myself and I would never in a million years call someone fat as an insult or comment on anyones weight in front of my daughter.. or at all! I also try not to criticise my own appearance in front of her.
I apologised to the woman and told my daughter that it was rude to comment on peoples appearance because it might hurt their feelings and if you dont know that person you dont know what might hurt them so dont say anything at all about their body.
shortly after that i went outside to speak to my son.. my mum was with my daughter.. and as I came back in I heard her doing it again! So I got a little angry with her and said 'no dont do that'
After the appointment the woman was still in the waiting room and as we walked out the door my daughter started saying 'fat chungus fat chungus' !!

When we got home I tried to talk to my daughter about it and tried to reason with her and ask her why she said that, and she said 'I dont like fat chungus its yuk, I dont want to see fat people at the doctors' I tried to explain to her how sad saying that might make someone feel but she didn't seem remotely moved she just kept saying that it was yuk and she didn't want to see it.
It really shocked me.

Am I unreasonable to be very worried or is this just a normal phase I should chill out about?
My son is older and he never did anything like this. He was naughty/cheeky of course sometimes but he always seemed to naturally understand about caring about other peoples feelings and not being nasty.
I'm finding it hard to get my daughter to understand.

Just so as to add any relevant information my daughter is on SEN register at the moment and has traits of ADHD I think.. altho not extreme. Apparently at school she cares very little about authority or what she's supposed to do and can be a bit ungovernable!
She has also just gone on the brown inhaler which contains steroids which could possibly be effecting her?
Also shes had a bit of upheaval because her grandad, my dad dropped dead unexpectedly a couple of months ago and he lived abroad so I went away for a month to help my mother who is disabled (he was her carer) sort everything out.. and my mother has now come back to live with us so I can take over her care and is sharing a room with my daughter..
She was quite close to her grandad.

Does anyone have any advice about how I should be reacting to this behaviour? Am I overreacting? Is she just unsettled at the moment and it will pass or do you think there's something I'm not doing right?

Agree with this. My daughter would have known without a doubt that I was not happy.

her saying that the woman shouldn’t have been at the doctors because she doesn’t like seeing fat people. That’s a worrying way of thinking for such a young child.

Not untypical of asd.

@YouScumbagYouMaggotHeresKevinTheCarrot Ah, OK, fair enough. I don’t know enough about asd, so apologies if I caused offence.

Boundaries and consequences. I know the ASD complicates matters but you need to understand that as long as she is behaving like this, her peers will live in fear and ultimately reject any kind of genuine friendship with her.

You seem to struggle with the notion of consequences: remove the right to screen time, the right to watch a favourite TV programme, having a friend over for tea etc. You should have insisted she apologised to that poor woman there and then. Make it very clear you she not be watching Scooby Do this evening because of the name-calling at the doctors. Make the consequences longer for a second offence and stick to it, regardless of any meltdown or other reaction.

What I wrote was:
"Please let it go now. You cannot go back in time. You have far more important things to concern you. Really. One day you will laugh about the time that.... 🌹"

@Twobirdsinatree
some resources:

familyman.movember.com/en-ca/articles/how-to-discipline-your-kids?gclid=CjwKCAiA7vWcBhBUEiwAXieItlZjSKtNgOJqL38rTUWCcIzj6T0YRslgrRwqAtfmGw7u3zaMDfa8NBoCZ08QAvD_BwE

Lots of links below initial article:
www.parents.com/toddlers-preschoolers/development/behavioral/preschoolers-behaving-badly/

www.verywellfamily.com/discipline-strategies-for-preschoolers-620098

www.familylives.org.uk/advice/early-years-development

in case anyone else wondered:

www.dictionary.com/e/slang/chungus/

Stop making bloody excuses for your poor parenting and show your daughter that actions have consequences.

Another good read:

www.scarymommy.com/dont-panic-kid-calls-me-fat/amp

She's fab,, isn't she? I loved her description of the time a child called her a circle.

May be an unpopular opinion on here, but although the behaviour of the little girl was bad (as OP has recognised lots of times), and the obese woman may well have been upset, upsetting things do periodically happen in life. There's no point agonising or hand wringing about how she feels, worse stuff than being called a chungus by a child does happen in life, every day. Or for all we know, she might not have cared at all. My cousin is very obese, and when her step children were little, they visited once and said "Our mum says you're a fat bitch!" (their mum is a charmer), to which my cousin replied "We don't use the word 'bitch' in this household because it's rude, but yes, I am very fat!". She was concerned by the bad language, but overall did see the funny side.

OP, I would try to let the guilt about this one go and just focus on whatever you decide to do re your daughter.

Theres been loads of useful comments on this thread and thanks so much to everyone who gave those. I have now completely banned YouTube for both my children and spoken to my son about watching how he speaks in front of his sister and he has understood that. I am going to make sure I'm spending a bit more one of one time with her that has certainly suffered since I've become my mothers carer. I will be discussing it with her teacher. I'm going to try her again with sleeping in my sons room. (My mother has to have the room that is currently my daughters bedroom theres nonway around that, my bedroom is another floor up in the attic)

Some of these comments are getting ridiculous now though. I absolutely will not be hitting my daughter! Theres absolutely nothing that could make me hit either of my children I do not agree that violence ever has any positive effect.

I would love to know where some people manage to conjure up childcare, places in care homes, and extra rooms in their homes out of thin air... my dad died suddenly a month ago.

And yes shes been to the zoo, shes been many times both here and abroad.. and I read to her every night... what a bizarre question!!

And no im not trying to use her SEN, the bereavement, or her medication as an excuse. I just mentioned them because they may factor into her behaviour so its useful information when giving advice. As for the medication she's only just gone on it I have no experience of it but they did warn me when they prescribed it that it may effect her behaviour so I've not just fabricated that.

Sounds very sensible and level headed OP, good luck with it all.

I hope you find a way to stop her doing this..

At some point, someone will respond to her in a way you won't like, as you cannot control what others do.

I can't promise if I am sat at the drs with super high pain levels feeling like total shite, that I wouldn't have sworn at her and told her to fuck off.

That isn't because I think thats acceptable, she's clearly a child with potentially some SEN issues who hasn't learned how to be a considerate member of society yet - no four year old has.

But when people are in pain, shocked, feel vulnerable etc, sometimes they lash out verbally, and you won't have any control over what they say back to her.

My sisters thing at that age was to run up to stranger men and punch them in the bollocks - my parents did their best to prevent this, and were probably more 'robust' about it than is acceptable these days, but it didn't really stop her wanting to do it (ADHD/ASD), in hindsight I think it frustrated her and pushed her to work harder to create opportunities to do it!

One bloke did turn and ROAR at her to fuck off and called her an evil little bitch and threatened to throw her over the railing into the sea, and despite being only five and a half, I remember that vividly as he bloody looked like he meant it (my parents certainly thought so!). This isn't a fairystory where she realised the error of her ways and packed it in - she basically grew out of it, but it took a long while!

Sounds a good plan OP, talking with teacher will also help them keep an eye out on in the school - there is something about the way you described it did feel like a playground taunt, maybe something she's seen, as well as possibly something online. I've heard 'big chungus' before for large cartoon characters or pets used in some of the things my teens watch and I'm often asking them where they get certain terms which is what I think I'd do in your situation, though those conversations can be difficult to have with four year olds who often absorb these things but don't remember exactly so well.

I think you are very lucky the woman reacted as she did. Sone people might have slapped someone for saying that

After she said it first time I'd talk to her and tell her if she says anything like that again there would be an unpleasant consequence, no TV, no screen time, no playdate or whatever might motivate her to stop. I'd follow through with consequence and after second time I'd add an additional consequence. I'd tell her to apologise. I'd tell child she was rude and people don't like rude children.

You might be better off asking on a Sen group, I don’t know what the Sen board is like on here. You’ve had some harsh replies. 4 is still so young and empathy is hard to develop for some. I’m sure some other SEN parents will have some advice both on how to help work on this and on how to handle situations. Please ignore the comments critiquing your parenting or your little girl. It sounds like you’ve got a lot on your plate. Your daughter will get there in the end and is unlike to be 20 and going around saying these things.

I think a few might be overly harsh but most are quite reasonably saying it's horrendous for a 4 year old to be repeatedly saying that and hold that attitude after she has been warned not to say things like that. Even the OP who has an older child too, seemed shocked.

Let's hope she gets her tongue under control far before 20, because there are a lot of people she'll encounter between now and 20 and I wouldn't want any more left with humiliating, hard to erase memories as the young woman in the reception experienced. And as some pp said, the next person might not be so quiet and accepting of the situation.

I wasn't sure by OP's last update if there were actually consequences for her daughter's behaviour but hopefully there are/will be if it continues and no, I don't agree with smacking children either.

Your daughter’s behaviour is wiite frankly disgusting. But if you think a gentle conversation was enough to put her right then I’m not surprised she kept saying it.

My child would have gotten an absolute earfull from me and none if it nice or gentle. She needed a shock to see how unkind and unfair she was being. You literally did nothing. Shame on you to be honest.

I thought by 'laugh about the time' you were referring to this deeply unfunny incident and saying they'd laugh about it in future, but if you were talking about them reminiscing over an actually funny event in their families life that is of course different.

Omg that poor woman. Agree with everyone else. There needs to be consequences for your daughter. If my son did something like that he would have got a real telling off and at that age no tv for a week. I would have have also made him apologise.

but sounds like you realise your DD needs a very different parenting style.

I can't imagine what type of person would physically assault a 4 year old child for making a rude comment. Seriously?