4yo daughter calling strangers fat

[Twobirdsinatree]

I think I might be overreacting here but this has really upset me and I dont know how to handle it at all.
My 4yo daughter has started calling strangers fat in a derogatory way.
Today we were in the doctors waiting room and she walked over to a young woman who was very obese and said 'you are a fat chungus, look at the fat chungus' and laughed. I was absolutely mortified. She has not heard this from me or her father. I am overweight myself and I would never in a million years call someone fat as an insult or comment on anyones weight in front of my daughter.. or at all! I also try not to criticise my own appearance in front of her.
I apologised to the woman and told my daughter that it was rude to comment on peoples appearance because it might hurt their feelings and if you dont know that person you dont know what might hurt them so dont say anything at all about their body.
shortly after that i went outside to speak to my son.. my mum was with my daughter.. and as I came back in I heard her doing it again! So I got a little angry with her and said 'no dont do that'
After the appointment the woman was still in the waiting room and as we walked out the door my daughter started saying 'fat chungus fat chungus' !!

When we got home I tried to talk to my daughter about it and tried to reason with her and ask her why she said that, and she said 'I dont like fat chungus its yuk, I dont want to see fat people at the doctors' I tried to explain to her how sad saying that might make someone feel but she didn't seem remotely moved she just kept saying that it was yuk and she didn't want to see it.
It really shocked me.

Am I unreasonable to be very worried or is this just a normal phase I should chill out about?
My son is older and he never did anything like this. He was naughty/cheeky of course sometimes but he always seemed to naturally understand about caring about other peoples feelings and not being nasty.
I'm finding it hard to get my daughter to understand.

Just so as to add any relevant information my daughter is on SEN register at the moment and has traits of ADHD I think.. altho not extreme. Apparently at school she cares very little about authority or what she's supposed to do and can be a bit ungovernable!
She has also just gone on the brown inhaler which contains steroids which could possibly be effecting her?
Also shes had a bit of upheaval because her grandad, my dad dropped dead unexpectedly a couple of months ago and he lived abroad so I went away for a month to help my mother who is disabled (he was her carer) sort everything out.. and my mother has now come back to live with us so I can take over her care and is sharing a room with my daughter..
She was quite close to her grandad.

Does anyone have any advice about how I should be reacting to this behaviour? Am I overreacting? Is she just unsettled at the moment and it will pass or do you think there's something I'm not doing right?

@Baublesandtinsel my daughter did respond when questioned at home about the incident that she didn't want to see a fat chungus in the doctors because it was yuk. So thats what runnerbum is reacting to I think. To be fair it was really shocking to hear her say that. I thought perhaps she just hadn't understood it was hurtful but that made it seem like she knew it was hurtful and had done it on purpose. But of course she IS only 4 years old and its possible this is something she's heard someone on TV or at school say or something. It just shook me up and she said it to my husband too and it upset him.

People are being very harsh on the child. She's only 4 and doesn't understand you the politics around fat. She isn't disgusting: she's 4!

Yes do speak to them asd and adhd can become muddled as lot off the signs can mix into both. School suspected adhd first I never but her behaviour in school was awful but as she gotten older 7 now she can't mask it as much and we both seen different signs so it's always best just to speak to them they should keep an eye out any changes in behaviour.

@Ohtheweatheroutsideistoocold yes you are right.. its just because what she said when we tried to talk to her sounded so adult and cruel it shook me up.. but she is only 4 and yeah she doesnt really understand what she's saying.. but I think she is angry and stressed... and as I've learnt from this thread has been watching YouTube which I'm going to have to put a stop to.

Just to be clear OP, nothing I said was intended to disparage your DD. I was simply demonstrating the ridiculousness of PP who said your DD is the victim here and that fat people are damaging her self-worth and intimidating her, and expecting you to “validate” her belief that fat people are “yuk”. Your DD sounds like she needs firmer discipline - she’s not disgusting or awful like others have said but her behaviour today was. You seem more than willing to and capable of fixing that so you’ll be fine (as will DD).

Fat chungus sounds like something from one of the popular YouTube sites.
This reminds me of a time I was shopping with a friend and her 4-year-old.
As we approached the checkout, she turned to look at the shopper behind us and said "You're SO ugly!" Cue some hasty apologies, as she followed up with "But mummy, she IS ugly and YOU said I should always tell the truth."

@tigerbearr thanks thats helpful. Im sad that she's somehow picked up the message that being bigger is a yuk thing tho.. it seems like someone smelling bad in a lift is more understandable if your son was just saying his thoughts out loud... but its just very unsettling that my daughter reacted so badly to someone being overweight. And it was a young woman who was nicely dressed.. there was no reason to react badly. Its sad this seems to have been an idea she has picked up

I didn't say fat people shouldn't be in her world, I said she genuinely finds it yuk, this hasn't been taught to her. She needs to learn to be kind but it is silly to say she must have learnt it somewhere etc, the word yes but her feelings do exist. Humans find others attractive or not, she wasn't trying to hurt the lady's feelings.
It's OK that she felt that but now op can teach her it's not OK to comment. You can't make people feel acceptance at age 4 just like that!

You did well seriously. You did think of it because you were stressed. That'll be the reason.
Like you said, you didn't want the woman to go through any more pain. People saying you could have done better are idiotic.

For example when my eldest was in reception he found a war veteran father with prosethic legs unsettling, we taught him why he had these and over time he recognised difference was actually not scary. But he was scared at first and being 5 was not being horrible just didn't get that prosethic limbs existed or how this could be.
Now ops daughter can learn that some people are quite overweight and this is likely not their choice, and we should be nice and not comment on appearances generally. Over time she will understand.
Some pp are attributing malice go a 4 Yr old unfairly I think.

@RunnerBum thanku.yes that was a bizarre comment. I totally do not think its instinctual to find fat people yuk.. that is very much a taught or copied thing. And im really sad that idea has seeped into her somehow so young.

I called a woman fat at about that age, age 5 at the max. We were at the swimming baths. I saw a woman at the counter and pointed, whilst exclaiming really loudly once 'Mummy that lady's really fat isn't she'. Once. Jeez I'm mortified thinking about it, even though I was just a child.

My mother, in her absolutely shame of me (and to be frank, I don't blame her), took my arm and smacked the back of my legs. Hard. I never did it again.

Funnily enough, I was talking with her about this a few months ago, and asked her 'do you remember... ', and she did. I told her I don't blame her for the smack, that poor poor woman must have been mortified, when she probably found it hard enough to brave going to the swimming baths as it was (I say this as someone who is fat myself, now). But informed her, that I remembered it well, and it would have been nice for her to have actually explained to me, in addition, what the smack was for. I remember being upset because she never told me why it was wrong to say it, so whilst I knew it was bad, I didn't understand why, and that I hadn't meant to be bad.

Obviously I'm not recommending you go and smack your child. But, I do think you're being soft on her. Once is bad enough, to carry on repeating it, is really bad (which I completely understand you recognise). I think you've explained to her enough why it was wrong, but she still did it regardless. Why not, what was the consequences for doing it? That poor woman. How embarrasing in a public place like that. I hope she's OK.

she walked over to a young woman who was very obese and said 'you are a fat chungus, look at the fat chungus'

I never knew that something could be vastly insulting but also hilarious at the same time.

Thanks OP you made my evening.

Sorry I have no constructive advice though but it probably came from one of her friends.

Some possible consequences you might be able to use, off the top of my head... Haven't read all the pages, so sorry if a repeat.

• Banning YouTube for a week, if you think she might be getting the ideas from there. If doing "gentle parenting" I think this counts as a "natural consequence"? Although I'm no expert.

• Banning her from sweets / puddings for a week? Something like "Well you think it's okay to laugh and be unkind to someone who eats lots of sweets, so obviously you don't want any yourself".

• If she does this when you are out somewhere nice like the park (obviously not the GPs!), then give her one chance then go home. The "gentle parenting" book I leafed through had a similar situation and they phrased it more like "You're obviously struggling to behave yourself today. As such, we have to go home, but we can try again another day". Apparently there is less guilt / shame if it's said like this, but there is still an unfavourable consequence. Depends on your parenting style, I suppose.

Sorry you had this experience, sounds mortifying for you!

your 7 year old shouldnt be watching yo9uttube anyway hes too young

if shes copying someone it needs to be taken away

im overweight ive had kids point and say things i usually let it go over me-one kid hough said it more than once and really loud like your dd-the mother did apologise but thats the one time i havent really forgotten it was said really horribly

That's definitely something she's picked up from somewhere and it's not just embarrassing, it's disgraceful.

Now that you've told her several times that it's wrong to do it you need to go in with a fairly hefty punishment next time, I think.

I take it she'll be starting school next year, if she hasn't already - this would be an immediate 'red' and a phone call home at my DS's school.

It needs stamping out, and fast.

@CheesenCrackersmm words cannot express how deeply not funny it was. I know the words look funny written down.. but this was a young woman just sat alone.. it was really sad. I cant stop thinking about her. Absolutely mortifying.

Right? She must have felt mortified. Especially as your daughter kept going back to her to insult her.

some of the replies you have on here are just of out order. You did your best in the situation, you sound mortified that your daughter said what she said and you seem keen to teach your daughter right from wrong.
it is not like you are making excuses for what your daughter said, you are taking responsibility. Ignore the nasty comments about your daughter being a disgrace or criticising you for taking her to the doctors 🙄 there must be a lot of perfect people here who have never said a bad thing in their life.

I'd have arranged childcare. We're talking about less than an hour. And if you do need to take the whole clan it's not difficult to control your kids and keep them away from other people. The waiting room isn't a playground.

If letting your kids approach random strangers to insult them is doing your best then I think some people may need to try a little harder.

Oh my you really need to get a hold on this. Your dd has picked this up from somewhere unattended YouTube
I can't begin to imagine how that woman felt. Actually, that's a lie. The only time I'm in the gp waiting room is to discuss my mental health and I'm fat because of the medication I take. That comment, albeit from a bratty four year old, would have floored me.
I'm a huge fan of tough love. My dd would not be going anywhere nice, and we would be having a lot of conversations about kindness. If this didn't work, put it back on her. Does she have wonky teeth, weird hair etc make her see how unpleasant it is

Oh come on. In the last month the OP has hand to move her disabled mother into her home, try to get to grips with her carer whilst still grieving her fathers death and trying to raise two children. Oh and no doubt organising at least 50% of Christmas if not more and trying to keep things normal for the kids.

Yes I think she could have handled the situation more effectively, but its easy to say that when you aren't in the middle of it.

But it's perfectly okay for her not to have got herself into the routine of how she copes with her mothers appointments and her children. she's had a lot on her plate and booking childcare was probably the last thing on her mind.

You’d find a childminder so you didn’t take your children with you on an errand?! Either you’re exceptionally wealthy and don’t like your kids or you’re lying.

@JoyBeorge keep them away from other people... have you never been in a waiting room?
And how do you 'control your kids' from saying something unexpected? Gag them?
And what childcare does it seem like I have on tap? I've already said my husband was at work, im an only child, my dad just died and I'm my disabled mums carer.. how do you think im going to pull childcare out of thin air? This was an emergency appointment made for my mother by ringing up in the morning... who actually has people they can conjure up to watch their kids with a few hours notice? And not just that but the appointment wasn't long after school pick up time so they'd have had to collect the kids because I wouldnt have had time to take them home first..
I dont think your comments are very constructive. This is something that has already happened I was just asking for advice about how to proceed not a tirade about how I should not have been there in the first place