4yo daughter calling strangers fat

[Twobirdsinatree]

I think I might be overreacting here but this has really upset me and I dont know how to handle it at all.
My 4yo daughter has started calling strangers fat in a derogatory way.
Today we were in the doctors waiting room and she walked over to a young woman who was very obese and said 'you are a fat chungus, look at the fat chungus' and laughed. I was absolutely mortified. She has not heard this from me or her father. I am overweight myself and I would never in a million years call someone fat as an insult or comment on anyones weight in front of my daughter.. or at all! I also try not to criticise my own appearance in front of her.
I apologised to the woman and told my daughter that it was rude to comment on peoples appearance because it might hurt their feelings and if you dont know that person you dont know what might hurt them so dont say anything at all about their body.
shortly after that i went outside to speak to my son.. my mum was with my daughter.. and as I came back in I heard her doing it again! So I got a little angry with her and said 'no dont do that'
After the appointment the woman was still in the waiting room and as we walked out the door my daughter started saying 'fat chungus fat chungus' !!

When we got home I tried to talk to my daughter about it and tried to reason with her and ask her why she said that, and she said 'I dont like fat chungus its yuk, I dont want to see fat people at the doctors' I tried to explain to her how sad saying that might make someone feel but she didn't seem remotely moved she just kept saying that it was yuk and she didn't want to see it.
It really shocked me.

Am I unreasonable to be very worried or is this just a normal phase I should chill out about?
My son is older and he never did anything like this. He was naughty/cheeky of course sometimes but he always seemed to naturally understand about caring about other peoples feelings and not being nasty.
I'm finding it hard to get my daughter to understand.

Just so as to add any relevant information my daughter is on SEN register at the moment and has traits of ADHD I think.. altho not extreme. Apparently at school she cares very little about authority or what she's supposed to do and can be a bit ungovernable!
She has also just gone on the brown inhaler which contains steroids which could possibly be effecting her?
Also shes had a bit of upheaval because her grandad, my dad dropped dead unexpectedly a couple of months ago and he lived abroad so I went away for a month to help my mother who is disabled (he was her carer) sort everything out.. and my mother has now come back to live with us so I can take over her care and is sharing a room with my daughter..
She was quite close to her grandad.

Does anyone have any advice about how I should be reacting to this behaviour? Am I overreacting? Is she just unsettled at the moment and it will pass or do you think there's something I'm not doing right?

I am tempted to agree. This is truly vile behaviour. The fact that she sought out this woman to be so vile to is horrid. And please don't blame any diagnoses, this is your child behaving her true self. If this is what she does, then she stays at home! My sympathy is with that poor woman who had to endure this and held back from giving her a goof earful.

I'd have gone the other way and turned into my mother. I'd have totally lost my shit (which is wrong but i know i would have) with one of my kids acting that way, my usual gentle, discuss things type of parenting out the window. So incredibly unacceptable. Yep kids can be rude, but that level of malicious cruelty in such a small child is odd and needs to be hammered home, not 'tried a chat, she wasn't interested'. And that isn't something for the school to have to sort out, you're the parent

Chungus?? Odd word. Sounds like someone has been setting her up. But she does need to be disciplined.

@PAFMO What do you mean regarding my username?

I don't think that poster meant you. I think they were referring to the poster you were replying to

@Ohtheweatheroutsideistoocold Oops 🙈. Yes that makes sense.

Yes, the awful post from the aptly named goady fucker.
Not you @Bepis

Yes, brilliant idea, that way she'll know its acceptable to hit people who aren't doing what she wants, which is definitely going to help enormously. Well done, A+ parenting tip!

Fat chungus is hilarious... I would have pissed myself laughing. I'm also fat but realistic about the fact so it's not offensive to me personally.

@Mostmarriedcouple You are the one who is a disgrace for this comment.

'Hahaha I am fat and I think it's sooooo funny when fat people are called hideous names LOLOLOL!!! I don't get offended therefore no-one else should either or they are very silly and pathetic.'

FUXAKE!

Genuinely one of the worst posts I have seen on this forum this week! Are you for REAL?

I can't see anything hilarious about calling people names and perhaps deeply upsetting them 🤔

The word "chungus" keeps popping into my head at random moments and making me laugh.

Im probably in the minority but if a child called me that (and, to be fair, I am a fat chungus) I would laugh. Life's too short to be all emotional about weight. Some people are fat. Who cares?

I haven't read the whole thread, OP, but have got as far as your mum sharing your daughter's bedroom. Is the phrase "fat chungus" something your mother could have said to her, and are your daughter and mother overweight? The phraseology is off for a 4 year old, as others have said, the comment about not wanting to see a fat chungus in the waiting room is much more akin to adult opinion than a 4 year old's viewpoint.

Va va voom, babba boom!!!! This won't, as they say, go down well on Mumsnet!!
But your post is eminently sensible - unlike the appalling posts advocating smacking a 4 year old for expressing her 4 year old opinions.
I'd be more inclined to explore the fat chungus, and ask whether this has come from granny? Or whether OP's daughter has observed someone being deliberately confrontational or rude to a fat person?

Yeah I wouldn't advocate smacking. I don't believe in smacking children - or ANYone for that matter! But I do wonder where the rude and nasty and personal insult came from. This is not something a 4 year old picks up themselves.

Some years ago, my cousin's daughter (17 at the time,) was dating a mixed race boy, and one of her neighbour's small children pointed at him, and spouted a racist jibe. (Not saying it on here obvs.) The child was 4 too. Hadn't even started school. Obviously came from his parents. And yes they were very racist. The child will go on to be the same, sadly...

Like the OP's child, this child did not just make this up. They heard it from someone, it was meant as a nasty insult, and that is how the child meant it. Even though they were 'only 4.'

4 year olds know what they're doing and saying! They're not daft.

My son has just informed me that fat chungus is a meme, song, gif etc. and alluded to an obese Bugs Bunny

Anyone advising smacking is an absolute CU*T!

I think that your daughter does not respect your authority. I can't even begin to imagine what punishments would have rained down on my four year old head if I had done that. At the very least I would have had a tongue lashing which would have featured how disappointed my mother was.

I think though that you should be putting your daughter ahead of your mother. A child with possible special needs does not need to be sharing her room with her grandmother. You have been totally unreasonable in moving your mother in given the circumstances. Your daughter needs your input. How are you helping her catch up in school? Do you read to her, help her draw things, take her to see interesting animals at the zoo?

I am saying this as somebody who raised two neuro diverse children. They needed a lot more time and effort than neurotypical children.

Many people were raised having a smack bottom if very naughty and the parents were very loving. Definitely weren't the word you used.

The way she targeted the poor woman (who presumably wasn’t there for fun) is awful, but the really terrible bit in my view is her saying that the woman shouldn’t have been at the doctors because she doesn’t like seeing fat people. That’s a worrying way of thinking for such a young child. Yes, yes, toddlers and young kids are self-absorbed etc etc but this is really arrogant, contemptuous and un-empathetic in my view.

You under-reacted if anything. The idea that steroids could make a child hate fat people is particularly 🤨

You don't need to smack. A thundering, 'I beg your pardon, WHAT did you just say?! You will apologise to this lady, and we will talk consequences when we get home', would do just fine.

Her behaviour was unacceptable. It must not be accepted. She's old enough to get these messages.

Depends where they are, here for example smacking is fine as long as it's a reasonable punishment. If the OP smacks her child because of her appalling behaviour the child might start to associate being rude to people with a little pain and humiliation. I think a lot of people mistake "smacking" with "thrashing" but it's a totally different thing, one is perfectly fine (where allowed by law) and the other is not (because it's not allowed by law).