Page 10 | 4yo daughter calling strangers fat

Twobirdsinatree · 2022-12-16T20:13:26+00:00

I think I might be overreacting here but this has really upset me and I dont know how to handle it at all. My 4yo daughter has started calling strangers fat in a derogatory way. Today we were in the doctors waiting room and she walked over to a young woman who was very obese and said 'you are a fat chungus, look at the fat chungus' and laughed. I was absolutely mortified. She has not heard this from me or her father. I am overweight myself and I would never in a million years call someone fat as an insult or comment on anyones weight in front of my daughter.. or at all! I also try not to criticise my own appearance in front of her. I apologised to the woman and told my daughter that it was rude to comment on peoples appearance because it might hurt their feelings and if you dont know that person you dont know what might hurt them so dont say anything at all about their body. shortly after that i went outside to speak to my son.. my mum was with my daughter.. and as I came back in I heard her doing it again! So I got a little angry with her and said 'no dont do that' After the appointment the woman was still in the waiting room and as we walked out the door my daughter started saying 'fat chungus fat chungus' !! When we got home I tried to talk to my daughter about it and tried to reason with her and ask her why she said that, and she said 'I dont like fat chungus its yuk, I dont want to see fat people at the doctors' I tried to explain to her how sad saying that might make someone feel but she didn't seem remotely moved she just kept saying that it was yuk and she didn't want to see it. It really shocked me. Am I unreasonable to be very worried or is this just a normal phase I should chill out about? My son is older and he never did anything like this. He was naughty/cheeky of course sometimes but he always seemed to naturally understand about caring about other peoples feelings and not being nasty. I'm finding it hard to get my daughter to understand. Just so as to add any relevant information my daughter is on SEN register at the moment and has traits of ADHD I think.. altho not extreme. Apparently at school she cares very little about authority or what she's supposed to do and can be a bit ungovernable! She has also just gone on the brown inhaler which contains steroids which could possibly be effecting her? Also shes had a bit of upheaval because her grandad, my dad dropped dead unexpectedly a couple of months ago and he lived abroad so I went away for a month to help my mother who is disabled (he was her carer) sort everything out.. and my mother has now come back to live with us so I can take over her care and is sharing a room with my daughter.. She was quite close to her grandad. Does anyone have any advice about how I should be reacting to this behaviour? Am I overreacting? Is she just unsettled at the moment and it will pass or do you think there's something I'm not doing right?

Sapphire387 · 18/12/2022 18:20

Please don't bring ADHD into it as though that could excuse a child being so rude and unpleasant. It's offensive (from someone who has ADHD).

Hope you find a way with her, as other people will not be so understanding as she grows up. Sounds like she needs far more of a telling off than she got.

witchesbubblebath · 18/12/2022 18:21

Alot of neuro diverse children won't understand punishments that aren't natural consequences.
If your child is near diverse she might not understand that no chocolate is a punishment for being rude to someone.
Helping a child understand that fewer people want to be around her or that the person might be aggressive back is a better way of showing actions have consequences.

witchesbubblebath · 18/12/2022 18:25

People are being unnecessarily harsh on the OP.

Bepis · 18/12/2022 19:45

@susiesuelou exactly, be a pretty appalling person if they even considered that. I wouldn't be angry at the child but I would expect the parent to take firm action.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 18/12/2022 22:09

@Startingagain8Yes, I meant "one day you'll be laughing about the time you were mortified by your dd's comment at age 4."
The time for OP to torture herself about it is over.
I am astounded how many parents here, mothers really, are piling on incessantly.
I hope OP can move on. Her DD is nothing but a typical 4 year old. Observant. Impulsive. Vocal. I am sure OP is a fine parent. I can only imagine her horror especially considering her father has just died; especially considering she is now caregiver for her disabled mother.
I imagine OP is wondering how much more she can take; when she can grieve; how she will manage to keep the family afloat. So many of us have no one to turn to and ask questions here. Some more naively than others. It would be nice to see more supportive comments and advice, but I guess that is too much to ask.
Many here may have either forgotten what it's like to be doubting yourself as a parent or perhaps were lucky enough to be a perfect parent of perfect children, never a misstep.
But the anonymity of the internet also allows the self-loathing to lash out in despicable fashion judging others. 🎤
@Twobirdsinatree Keep your head up. Ignore the bitches. I understand your situation. I have a similar situation. Standing with you. 🌹

Startingagain8 · 19/12/2022 16:15

Mumtobabyhavoc · 18/12/2022 22:09

@Startingagain8Yes, I meant "one day you'll be laughing about the time you were mortified by your dd's comment at age 4."
The time for OP to torture herself about it is over.
I am astounded how many parents here, mothers really, are piling on incessantly.
I hope OP can move on. Her DD is nothing but a typical 4 year old. Observant. Impulsive. Vocal. I am sure OP is a fine parent. I can only imagine her horror especially considering her father has just died; especially considering she is now caregiver for her disabled mother.
I imagine OP is wondering how much more she can take; when she can grieve; how she will manage to keep the family afloat. So many of us have no one to turn to and ask questions here. Some more naively than others. It would be nice to see more supportive comments and advice, but I guess that is too much to ask.
Many here may have either forgotten what it's like to be doubting yourself as a parent or perhaps were lucky enough to be a perfect parent of perfect children, never a misstep.
But the anonymity of the internet also allows the self-loathing to lash out in despicable fashion judging others. 🎤
@Twobirdsinatree Keep your head up. Ignore the bitches. I understand your situation. I have a similar situation. Standing with you. 🌹

Oh. I still don't see why she would laugh about how she felt regarding this cruel insult which likely humiliated a young woman waiting to receive healthcare?

Personally I don't think it is normal or typical behaviour for a 4 year old to be screaming fat and screaming with laughter at a stranger even after they have been reprimanded, and many others clearly are not accustomed to this behaviour other.

You're talking about kindness and being supportive etc... but you so freely condemn and dismiss others criticising a bodyshaming incident (and the fact they feel the child didn't face the appropriate consequences which may then lead to another innocent persons day being ruined by her daughter) as 'bitches' - it says it all really.

potniatheron · 19/12/2022 16:37

I think it's natural for small children to respond in socially unacceptable ways to other humans who look very much outside of the norm. Extreme obesity is, thankfully, rare and for a young one, probably alarming / interesting / memorable to see.

My mother still cringes when she recalls my sibling at 5yo asking, v loudly, "WHAT'S THAT THING BETWEEN HIS EYES MUMMY" about a stranger at the busstop (he had a prominent mole) - that was over 30 years ago.

I also think your daughter's rudeness could partly be the result of the unsettling experiences she's had recently.

It's certainly rude and needs to be corrected. But it's hardly an act of out and out evil. Some of the punishments being suggested here are a little OTT, tbh. Young kids being rude and embarrassing is hardly unusual.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 19/12/2022 16:47

Startingagain8 · 19/12/2022 16:15

Oh. I still don't see why she would laugh about how she felt regarding this cruel insult which likely humiliated a young woman waiting to receive healthcare?

Personally I don't think it is normal or typical behaviour for a 4 year old to be screaming fat and screaming with laughter at a stranger even after they have been reprimanded, and many others clearly are not accustomed to this behaviour other.

You're talking about kindness and being supportive etc... but you so freely condemn and dismiss others criticising a bodyshaming incident (and the fact they feel the child didn't face the appropriate consequences which may then lead to another innocent persons day being ruined by her daughter) as 'bitches' - it says it all really.

Show quote history

No, I'm calling out the ridiculous persecution and lack of support by responders.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 19/12/2022 18:29

Mumtobabyhavoc · 19/12/2022 16:47

No, I'm calling out the ridiculous persecution and lack of support by responders.

Show quote history

There are some good parenting resources here that may interest OP or anyone else wondering how to cope with their child's inappropriate behaviour:

www.nhs.uk/mental-health/children-and-young-adults/advice-for-parents/anxiety-disorders-in-children/

scroll down to see other links.

Chuckle94 · 21/12/2022 22:46

Mumtobabyhavoc · 18/12/2022 22:09

@Startingagain8Yes, I meant "one day you'll be laughing about the time you were mortified by your dd's comment at age 4."
The time for OP to torture herself about it is over.
I am astounded how many parents here, mothers really, are piling on incessantly.
I hope OP can move on. Her DD is nothing but a typical 4 year old. Observant. Impulsive. Vocal. I am sure OP is a fine parent. I can only imagine her horror especially considering her father has just died; especially considering she is now caregiver for her disabled mother.
I imagine OP is wondering how much more she can take; when she can grieve; how she will manage to keep the family afloat. So many of us have no one to turn to and ask questions here. Some more naively than others. It would be nice to see more supportive comments and advice, but I guess that is too much to ask.
Many here may have either forgotten what it's like to be doubting yourself as a parent or perhaps were lucky enough to be a perfect parent of perfect children, never a misstep.
But the anonymity of the internet also allows the self-loathing to lash out in despicable fashion judging others. 🎤
@Twobirdsinatree Keep your head up. Ignore the bitches. I understand your situation. I have a similar situation. Standing with you. 🌹

100% agree

Mumtobabyhavoc · 22/12/2022 01:36

@Chuckle94 I appreciate that. 💕