4yo daughter calling strangers fat

[Twobirdsinatree]

I think I might be overreacting here but this has really upset me and I dont know how to handle it at all.
My 4yo daughter has started calling strangers fat in a derogatory way.
Today we were in the doctors waiting room and she walked over to a young woman who was very obese and said 'you are a fat chungus, look at the fat chungus' and laughed. I was absolutely mortified. She has not heard this from me or her father. I am overweight myself and I would never in a million years call someone fat as an insult or comment on anyones weight in front of my daughter.. or at all! I also try not to criticise my own appearance in front of her.
I apologised to the woman and told my daughter that it was rude to comment on peoples appearance because it might hurt their feelings and if you dont know that person you dont know what might hurt them so dont say anything at all about their body.
shortly after that i went outside to speak to my son.. my mum was with my daughter.. and as I came back in I heard her doing it again! So I got a little angry with her and said 'no dont do that'
After the appointment the woman was still in the waiting room and as we walked out the door my daughter started saying 'fat chungus fat chungus' !!

When we got home I tried to talk to my daughter about it and tried to reason with her and ask her why she said that, and she said 'I dont like fat chungus its yuk, I dont want to see fat people at the doctors' I tried to explain to her how sad saying that might make someone feel but she didn't seem remotely moved she just kept saying that it was yuk and she didn't want to see it.
It really shocked me.

Am I unreasonable to be very worried or is this just a normal phase I should chill out about?
My son is older and he never did anything like this. He was naughty/cheeky of course sometimes but he always seemed to naturally understand about caring about other peoples feelings and not being nasty.
I'm finding it hard to get my daughter to understand.

Just so as to add any relevant information my daughter is on SEN register at the moment and has traits of ADHD I think.. altho not extreme. Apparently at school she cares very little about authority or what she's supposed to do and can be a bit ungovernable!
She has also just gone on the brown inhaler which contains steroids which could possibly be effecting her?
Also shes had a bit of upheaval because her grandad, my dad dropped dead unexpectedly a couple of months ago and he lived abroad so I went away for a month to help my mother who is disabled (he was her carer) sort everything out.. and my mother has now come back to live with us so I can take over her care and is sharing a room with my daughter..
She was quite close to her grandad.

Does anyone have any advice about how I should be reacting to this behaviour? Am I overreacting? Is she just unsettled at the moment and it will pass or do you think there's something I'm not doing right?

We have had some tricky behaviour over the years with my daughter who has ADHD and can also get hooked on saying certain words and phrases. What I have found to work massively is to remind her of expected behaviour before going out, again whilst there with praise, and again when leaving. E.g. if going to the doctor's remind her before leaving (maybe even the day before too) that it is expected she won't use those words as people will get upset, remind her again when entering the Dr's and again when there and when leaving. I would also praise along the way for remembering and managing to behave politely. It seems my daughter wasn't being 'naughty', just totally socially unaware and had the feeling she was playing a game. Reminding her seems to work surprisingly easily. Luckily she never called anyone a fat chungus!! She's certainly well know and remembered though! A distraction may help too, like a fidget toy (or even a screen if things are stressful). I was against screens for a long time when going out when my kids were young, and battled through some incredibly stressful situations. I think I'd be a bit more lenient now. We actually had a situation at the weekend and she's much older now, and I forgot to remind her of expected behaviour. Never mind! I can brush it all off more easily now as I understand it more.

If empathy is an issue and she’s not bothered about hurting feelings then make it so it’s not worth her while to do it. You can’t make someone feel something they just don’t, but you can apply a consequence they’ll want to avoid in future.

For what it's worth, she's got it from the Bugs Bunny character Big Chungus on PS4.

@CovertImage yes it is. Which is why I'm here writing about it. It really shocked me. I'm not a troll she genuinely said this it was really unsettling. Amd I dont know how to deal with it.

@LabiaMinoraPissusFlapus yes you see i would have chalked it up to her just not really understanding and repeating a phrase she thought was funny if she hadn't kept doing it and then said that about how the lady shouldn't be in the doctors. That was really odd because it seemed like she knew it was hurtful and was intentionally saying it to be hurtful. And I just dont really know how to react to that... was trying to think why on earth she would want to be hurtful.. is she angry or stressed or something? Her emotions can be quite intense

That’s awful, someone has taught her that, you need to find out who. I mean this gently but could it be your mother?

I shared a room with my gran at that age till I was about 7. It wasn’t positive, I think you need to find different sleeping arrangements, it’s not fair on either of them . I’m fairly sure you don’t want to share with your mum so why should your daughter.

and no reasoning with a 4 year old seldom works especially if no consequences,

that poor woman I bet she went home and cried buckets, if my kid did such a thing, I’d not be reasoning I’d have been fucking furious, removed her and spoke in such a manner she’d not do it again,

the reason your kid doesn’t care as she has no consequences. She isn’t the problem, you all are and whomever is teaching her that shit.

all the she might be adhd, I was so busy, I can’t reason with her nonsense. Parent your child. She isn’t an adult,she is a child.

@RambamThankyouMam we dont have a ps4 but my son sometimes watches those videos of other people playing computer games on YouTube.. so maybe she has seen that on one of those. That kind of gives some credence to the idea she didn't realise it could be hurtful.. but then later when she was saying it was yuk made me think she did realise it was hurtful but didn't care

Shouting often doesn't work particularly well with asd or ADHD because they 'forget' about the reason for the shout and that becomes all they can think about. I don't shout unless in a dangerous situation.

You need both rewards and consequences for effective parenting. You can't just rely on good behaviour because children like to find where the boundaries are. Boundaries actually make children, particularly Nd children feel safe if applied consistently as it creates security and routine.

You do need to find what consequences work for your child. Same with rewards. Mine I use descriptive praise (actually praising concrete things or behaviour) and a reward chart for television. A small consequence would be the possibility of not getting a mark or sticker for the chart. Or if it needs to be escalated take them from the source of the problem and have number of minutes 'thinking time' of their age with you in the room but not hugging or responding. Further escalation can be removal of toys or something they care about.

I do talk through everything we do but I don't expect it to work with nt children and Nd children have an extra layer of difficulty. As a pp said, rehearsing scenarios (playbacks -how you should have behaved) and social stories can be used.

It sounds to me like you'd benefit from sen support in your area (I know, ha bloody ha good luck!) Or investing in a behaviour management book.

I’d also add op, your mother if she lived abroad is a virtual stranger to your child , and she’s now sleeping in her bedroom. That’s going to be hugely disturbing for her, especially if your mother needs care and it scares a 4 year old.

she may be diverting and what she’s really saying is she doesn’t want your mother in her room but can’t articulate it.

if it comes to it, she should sleep with her father or brother and you sleep with your mother,

So I have a 4 Yr old. The immediate consequence would be removal of favourite things as soon as we got home and he could start the process of earning them back by apologising for being rude. The second and third time of saying it i'd be very cross and would remove my child from the waiting room. I'd tell him he'd have to stand outside or sit in the car with Nanny/me until he could speak properly. I would wait in silence too.. the consequence of acting like that is that mumny is upset. If none kf that had an impact we'd be going home, straight up to his bedroom. 5 mins later I'd be sat with him explaining why it was wrong. And he'd be there another 5 minutes if he was rude to me or I felt he wasn't taking me seriously. I would be clear and quite harsh in comparison to your approach because I'd never want him to make anyone feel like that woman felt today.

She is a 4 year old child. You are the disgrace.
Honestly, everyone is giving the OP such a hard time. Her small child is still learning and developing.

For those who are asking about the meaning please see here www.dictionary.com/e/slang/chungus/
I would be thinking about what she watches online.

Also you dealt with it best you could in the moment and are reflecting now and asking for advice. No-one gives us a parenting hand book. You're doing your best. Please don't beat yourself up too much. Sounds like everyone is saying the same thing... think of some effective consequences for if it happens again.

On a thread with multiple people saying how awful it is for a young child to call another person that, why would you think that it’s acceptable for you to call another person that? Are you always so nasty?

Keep telling her off. Unfortunately she might just not care about other people so have a chat with her at home about how being rude like that makes people not like you. Hopefully she won't grow up to be someone who just goes round calling people fat chungus on the Internet for fun

My child would be spending an awful lot of time at home until they stopped that behaviour completely. Absolutely no way on earth would I take them out if this continues.

Does she behave like this at school do you know?

Why would your DD care if there ar no consequences? You are making excuses for her behaviour and why you did nothing but there is no excuse.
You need to put boundaries in place and she needs consequence for bad behaviour. You are lucky that woman didn't tear a strip off you! Especially as your DD did it multiple times.
Stop making excuses and take responsibility for your child's behaviour. I have a DD with ASD and she has never behaved like that, because we have firm boundaries and consequence for unacceptable behaviour and rewards for positive behaviour.
You need to get a hold of this because the next person she does it too may well react differently especially as you can't be bothered to discipline her.

@YouScumbagYouMaggotHeresKevinTheCarrot thankyou thats actually really helpful advice

Oh nooo that poor woman 😓I feel so bad for her!

We have a book called Calmer Happier Easier Boys. It's not particularly aimed at Nd kids, but works well in my experience and although the title suggests boys only it's useful for girls.

Behaviour management is about consistency though so whatever you try you have to follow through, whether you are tired, in public etc. Make sure you have a simple behaviour management strategy that has escalations and can be adapted for home and out and about.

What a rude child. You must feel mortified and ashamed

@Diffuserqueen The issue is its my daughters bedroom. And my mum has to sleep in it because its next to the bathroom and she's disabled. The house is not suitable at all but there was no other option. We have to physically cary her upstairs. She can walk very short distances so she can get from that room to the bathroom. We have applied for sheltered housing for her and she is going to have a social care assessment. Its all taking ages tho.. my dads death was completely unexpected.. so absolutely no provision had been made for what would happen. They had actually made loads of plans for him in the event of her death (because she has MS) so its been a nightmare
My daughter won't settle to sleep anywhere but her own bed in her own room. My son has bunkbeds so we initially tried her in there but she was awake all night long harassing him .. we also tried her in our bedroom in the attic but she has asthma and there's a leak in our roof I have to spray for mould every day... I just dont think its great for her to be sleeping up here.
I am very worried that shes acting out because she's unsettled. I have no idea what to do it feels like I'm spinning plates.