Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

4yo daughter calling strangers fat

236 replies

Twobirdsinatree · 16/12/2022 20:13

I think I might be overreacting here but this has really upset me and I dont know how to handle it at all.
My 4yo daughter has started calling strangers fat in a derogatory way.
Today we were in the doctors waiting room and she walked over to a young woman who was very obese and said 'you are a fat chungus, look at the fat chungus' and laughed. I was absolutely mortified. She has not heard this from me or her father. I am overweight myself and I would never in a million years call someone fat as an insult or comment on anyones weight in front of my daughter.. or at all! I also try not to criticise my own appearance in front of her.
I apologised to the woman and told my daughter that it was rude to comment on peoples appearance because it might hurt their feelings and if you dont know that person you dont know what might hurt them so dont say anything at all about their body.
shortly after that i went outside to speak to my son.. my mum was with my daughter.. and as I came back in I heard her doing it again! So I got a little angry with her and said 'no dont do that'
After the appointment the woman was still in the waiting room and as we walked out the door my daughter started saying 'fat chungus fat chungus' !!

When we got home I tried to talk to my daughter about it and tried to reason with her and ask her why she said that, and she said 'I dont like fat chungus its yuk, I dont want to see fat people at the doctors' I tried to explain to her how sad saying that might make someone feel but she didn't seem remotely moved she just kept saying that it was yuk and she didn't want to see it.
It really shocked me.

Am I unreasonable to be very worried or is this just a normal phase I should chill out about?
My son is older and he never did anything like this. He was naughty/cheeky of course sometimes but he always seemed to naturally understand about caring about other peoples feelings and not being nasty.
I'm finding it hard to get my daughter to understand.

Just so as to add any relevant information my daughter is on SEN register at the moment and has traits of ADHD I think.. altho not extreme. Apparently at school she cares very little about authority or what she's supposed to do and can be a bit ungovernable!
She has also just gone on the brown inhaler which contains steroids which could possibly be effecting her?
Also shes had a bit of upheaval because her grandad, my dad dropped dead unexpectedly a couple of months ago and he lived abroad so I went away for a month to help my mother who is disabled (he was her carer) sort everything out.. and my mother has now come back to live with us so I can take over her care and is sharing a room with my daughter..
She was quite close to her grandad.

Does anyone have any advice about how I should be reacting to this behaviour? Am I overreacting? Is she just unsettled at the moment and it will pass or do you think there's something I'm not doing right?

OP posts:
electricdreaming · 16/12/2022 20:16

Where has she got “fat chungus” from? Seems an oddly specific phrase that she’s obviously learnt somewhere. And the fact she finds it disgusting is odd. I’ve know children to say matter of factly that people are fat, or to even find it funny, but for a 4 year old to say “fat chungus” repeatedly and say it’s “yuk” means someone is planting that idea in her head.

nutbrownhare15 · 16/12/2022 20:17

If she hasn't heard it at home it sounds like she got it from school. If it was my daughter l'd just tell her we don't talk.about people's bodies. I'd say that fat is a word that people use to make other people feel bad about their bodies and it's not a word we use because we don't talk about other peoples bodies and we don't want to make people feel bad. And everybody has a body that is right for them.

donttellmehesalive · 16/12/2022 20:19

I don't think that can be attributed to adhd, steroids or bereavement tbh. That poor woman, how awful. I don't have any advice really as you are already mortified and addressing it through modelling and discussion, and it sounds as if school are also already addressing other challenging behaviours. You could mention her lack of empathy to school and through the referral process.

YouScumbagYouMaggotHeresKevinTheCarrot · 16/12/2022 20:20

After the second incident I would have applied a consequence. This is perfectly acceptable whatever parenting style you do, even gentle parenting, as it creates boundaries.
As an asd parent you often find you have to be stricter on boundaries than with other children.

It sounds like you need to work on boundaries in general with her, as, despite having extra obstacles to tackle socially, she will still have to operate in the society we live in and this is really key if you want her to continue in mainstream.

What on earth is a chungus? I'm guessing that she picked that up at school?

birdsandthewasps · 16/12/2022 20:20

How adorable 🙄

SlashBeef · 16/12/2022 20:20

Oh god that poor woman in the waiting room 😩
Honestly not sure what to suggest.

donttellmehesalive · 16/12/2022 20:20

Social stories can work. School may be able to advise.

Original poster
Twobirdsinatree · 16/12/2022 20:20

@electricdreaming yes it is weirdly specific. I've heard other kids using this word recently I think its a word going round the school. What worried me was how hostile she was and how unremorseful about hurting someone's feelings. I didnt really know what to do.. because she just didn't seem to care.

OP posts:
RunnerBum · 16/12/2022 20:21

I’d be concerned by it happening more than once. Young children say rude things but usually because they don’t realise it’s rude - it’s rarely intentional nastiness to strangers, which is what your DD is doing. I’d be mortified and furious if my DCs behaved that way.

To be blunt, it doesn’t sound as though you handled it very well or very firmly. Why didn’t you ask her to apologise? Your words seem a bit wishy-washy too. Where was any kind of discipline or repercussion for DD? Recent events may explain her behaviour deteriorating but it doesn’t sound as though you really recognise how to stop her misbehaving. The fact you’re questioning whether you’re overreacting speaks volumes here I think. It sounds like you under-reacted.

CovertImage · 16/12/2022 20:22

"ADHD" blah, blah, blah

"I dont want to see fat people at the doctors" is a highly unlikely phrase for a 4 year old to use

Mouthfulofquiz · 16/12/2022 20:23

If she hasn’t picked it up from home then it will be from YouTube. I know she is only four but honestly that woman is probably devastated. I would have been very cross indeed about that.

Tinselpipes · 16/12/2022 20:26

CovertImage · 16/12/2022 20:22

"ADHD" blah, blah, blah

"I dont want to see fat people at the doctors" is a highly unlikely phrase for a 4 year old to use

Agree. Seems the troll has moved on from ASD to ADHD now.

Ohtheweatheroutsideistoocold · 16/12/2022 20:26

Why did you not make her apologise to the lady? Why were there no consequences for her actions after she said it expectedly. There can be consequences even withing gentle parenting.

PAFMO · 16/12/2022 20:26

Consequences every single time she is so revoltingly offensive.

Lots of children have SEN and lots of children are bereaved. They don't tend to start insulting strangers as a result.

NameChangeLifeChange · 16/12/2022 20:27

A ‘little angry’ the second time? Your daughters behaviour is appalling. Far more disgusting than she thinks that poor woman is. If that was my daughter I would have come down like a tonne of bricks. No gentle parenting- anything nice removed. Any further behaviour serious consequences.

Original poster
Twobirdsinatree · 16/12/2022 20:27

@YouScumbagYouMaggotHeresKevinTheCarrot you are totally right. I've just never really had to do that before as with my son you could just reason with him and explain why what he did was wrong and that alone would work. My daughter just doesn't seem to care at all.. unless someone really shouts at her which has only ever happened a couple of times in her life.
But thats the only things she's ever seemed sad about. She just looks bored or annoyed if you try and talk to her seriously about anything she's done.
I'm not sure what 'consequences' to implement with her? I tried talking to her reasonably the first time.. the second time she did it when I was round the corner so I couldn't react as we went in for the appointment.. then the last time we were leaving already when she was doing it..
My husband tried to talk to her about it when he came home too but she said the same thing about how the woman shouldn't have been in the doctors.
I think I will mention it to the school when she goes back.. they've been great with her so far.

OP posts:
Original poster
Twobirdsinatree · 16/12/2022 20:27

@YouScumbagYouMaggotHeresKevinTheCarrot you are totally right. I've just never really had to do that before as with my son you could just reason with him and explain why what he did was wrong and that alone would work. My daughter just doesn't seem to care at all.. unless someone really shouts at her which has only ever happened a couple of times in her life.
But thats the only things she's ever seemed sad about. She just looks bored or annoyed if you try and talk to her seriously about anything she's done.
I'm not sure what 'consequences' to implement with her? I tried talking to her reasonably the first time.. the second time she did it when I was round the corner so I couldn't react as we went in for the appointment.. then the last time we were leaving already when she was doing it..
My husband tried to talk to her about it when he came home too but she said the same thing about how the woman shouldn't have been in the doctors.
I think I will mention it to the school when she goes back.. they've been great with her so far.

OP posts:
hattie43 · 16/12/2022 20:27

Ohtheweatheroutsideistoocold · 16/12/2022 20:26

Why did you not make her apologise to the lady? Why were there no consequences for her actions after she said it expectedly. There can be consequences even withing gentle parenting.

This .

Telling her it makes you sad is hardly conveying what she is saying .
Poor poor woman in the doctors .

BlazinSquaad · 16/12/2022 20:27

Honestly, this just reads like “my DD was really rude and hostile to a stranger and gently asking her to stop made no difference - even when she did it multiple times. Here’s a bunch of excuses for her behaviour. I shouldn’t do anything about this, right?”. She needs to have consequences that impact her, it’s not rocket science. Explaining to a 4yo that her words hurt other people doesn’t incentivise her to not do it because there’s no reason for her not to hurt other people - morals are taught behaviour.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/12/2022 20:28

I’ve never heard the word chungus before.

Do you say critical things about your own body? Kids pick up on everything.

I also agree that in theory we tell children not to comment on people’s bodies but it’s hypocritical bs adults say and then don’t model at all. Everywhere we go people comment on my DD’s appearance - height for her age, smile, clothes, hair, it’s what people do with small children so to expect them not to do it is pointless. She can say someone’s got a nice top on and gets praise for being kind, she can say someone’s short or tall and suddenly it’s not acceptable to talk about bodies, even though people do it to her.

I’d try and get to the bottom of this very specific and unpleasant insult, it’s come from somewhere.

Bobbybobbins · 16/12/2022 20:30

For consequences it depends on what you think would work. It's hard when you can't give an immediate consequence but maybe no treat/CBeebies etc

MysweetAudrina · 16/12/2022 20:30

A big chungus is something that is adorably cute in a chunky way.

LadyRue · 16/12/2022 20:31

I’d be punishing her if it didn’t stop! Completely unacceptable!

Original poster
Twobirdsinatree · 16/12/2022 20:32

@RunnerBum you are right i don't think I reacted well at all. I was just in shock and so mortified. I also was having to deal with a bunch of other stuff simultaneously like the dog trying to run away from my son round the corner and my mum having some type of confrontation with the nurse. I really struggled to think of how to react. Apart from apologising to the poor woman. Its not something I've had to deal with before I just didn't know what to do apart from explain to her why not to say that... but it didn't have any effect

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 16/12/2022 20:32

This is really odd behaviour.
My DS has embarrassed me by calling someone fat before when he was 4. He pointed at a lady walking towards us and said 'Mummy, look how fat that lady is!' It was awful, but there was no malice, he was just making an observation. He quickly learned it's rude to comment on someone's appearance.