4yo daughter calling strangers fat

[Twobirdsinatree]

I think I might be overreacting here but this has really upset me and I dont know how to handle it at all.
My 4yo daughter has started calling strangers fat in a derogatory way.
Today we were in the doctors waiting room and she walked over to a young woman who was very obese and said 'you are a fat chungus, look at the fat chungus' and laughed. I was absolutely mortified. She has not heard this from me or her father. I am overweight myself and I would never in a million years call someone fat as an insult or comment on anyones weight in front of my daughter.. or at all! I also try not to criticise my own appearance in front of her.
I apologised to the woman and told my daughter that it was rude to comment on peoples appearance because it might hurt their feelings and if you dont know that person you dont know what might hurt them so dont say anything at all about their body.
shortly after that i went outside to speak to my son.. my mum was with my daughter.. and as I came back in I heard her doing it again! So I got a little angry with her and said 'no dont do that'
After the appointment the woman was still in the waiting room and as we walked out the door my daughter started saying 'fat chungus fat chungus' !!

When we got home I tried to talk to my daughter about it and tried to reason with her and ask her why she said that, and she said 'I dont like fat chungus its yuk, I dont want to see fat people at the doctors' I tried to explain to her how sad saying that might make someone feel but she didn't seem remotely moved she just kept saying that it was yuk and she didn't want to see it.
It really shocked me.

Am I unreasonable to be very worried or is this just a normal phase I should chill out about?
My son is older and he never did anything like this. He was naughty/cheeky of course sometimes but he always seemed to naturally understand about caring about other peoples feelings and not being nasty.
I'm finding it hard to get my daughter to understand.

Just so as to add any relevant information my daughter is on SEN register at the moment and has traits of ADHD I think.. altho not extreme. Apparently at school she cares very little about authority or what she's supposed to do and can be a bit ungovernable!
She has also just gone on the brown inhaler which contains steroids which could possibly be effecting her?
Also shes had a bit of upheaval because her grandad, my dad dropped dead unexpectedly a couple of months ago and he lived abroad so I went away for a month to help my mother who is disabled (he was her carer) sort everything out.. and my mother has now come back to live with us so I can take over her care and is sharing a room with my daughter..
She was quite close to her grandad.

Does anyone have any advice about how I should be reacting to this behaviour? Am I overreacting? Is she just unsettled at the moment and it will pass or do you think there's something I'm not doing right?

It sounds like your son's room is the best option. Just make sure it's done with him in mind as well.

Quickest deletion ever. But the goady thread gets to stay. Oh dear mumsnet.

Did you attempt to apologise to the lady that your DD aimed her comments at?
If not, YABVVU.

Amazingly other people do manage without a single appointment turning into a family circus. You still don't need to let her approach people she doesn't know.

🙄🙄poor little diddums having to cope with other human beings existing and ruining her perfect world. If she were so devastated by the presence of the evil fat woman who dared to seek medical care then the poor suffering victim probably wouldn’t be laughing, would she?

what a ridiculous comment.

You’re being ridiculous. They clearly did all need to go. What would you have done differently, genuinely?

@ofwarren yes but he was at work. I told him about it and he did speak to her when putting her to bed. But she repeated the stuff about it being yuk and how she didn't want to see a fat chungus in the doctors.. it really shocked him too.
Shes not been diagnosed with anything. She just gets extra support as she struggles to focus apparently and is running over a year behind whats expected.
Her birthday is in August.

Aww dont worry , ignore the perfect parent brigade. You won’t be the only person that’s gone through this, perhaps she does have additional needs. You did your best , just try next time to prep her about what you expect when your going out and how to be kind to others , it might not work but you can only try. She’s just a small child 4 is tiny, just keep saying we don’t call people fat that’s all you can do. I don’t believe in all this severe punishment especially with additional needs. Your only getting children to comply by them being scared of you. It’s fine to be firm but taking toys away and screaming at them as other posters suggest is not ideal.

This ^ @Boomboom22 's comment is shameful.

@Twobirdsinatree although mortifying, your child is only 4. You've also explained your child has some challenges. Harsh responses here about your "rude child" and that you need to "set boundaries/consequences."
Oh, the sanctimony. 🤦‍♀️
Don't carry this incident with you. You're dd is not the first, and won't be the last, to say/do something inappropriate.
You have a lot on your plate. The last thing you need is judgemental comments from internet trolls like the one who commented about you being one of those that take your family everywhere. I'm one of those, btw, as a ssahm who lives with and cares for my disabled, wheelchair-bound mum. Some people have no experience, no empathy, or suffered hardships and can't stand anyone getting help or sympathy because they felt they didn't.
I'm sorry for your dad's passing.
You sound like the rock in your family.
Wishing you good luck, continued strength, and loving support. 🌹

@RunnerBum

Shes four years old ffs , and with possible additional needs. How cruel are you , yes it’s horrible for the woman too but these things do happen children do blurt out rude blunt things.

Exactly. Not enough people are telling you that you handled the situation well. You did.
You're also trying to get to the root of the problem.

How am I being cruel?!?? Precisely what did I say that was remotely cruel?!

Consequences are not cruel. Even gentle parenting recommended them.
I don't think I have read any posts recommending shouting.
Permissive parenting is just not actually parenting full stop and you would be wise to avoid any advice encouraging a do nothing approach.

@XenoBitch of course I did! Unfortunately I didnt think to make my daughter apologise which I really should have done.. the woman actually said that she was looking at her phone so didn't hear what my daughter had said anyway.. but I dont know if that were true or she was just embarrassed poor girl. I sat my daughter down and explained why it was wrong to comment on peoples appearances
But then when my daughter did it again I wasn't directly there I just caught the end of it coming back in.. and we had gotten called into the appointment so I couldn't react much then.. i did say 'you need to stop that' angrily...
then she did it again when we were leaving but I just left quickly...because the woman was acting like she couldn't hear and I didnt want to make her acknowledge it again and it felt like my daughter was now just saying it for the reaction.
I couldn't be more sorry for that poor woman. As I said I'm overweight myself and id be so sad if that happened to me.

Jesus Christ she's 4 years old, calling her a disgrace and that you should be ashamed is ridiculous,

If she has sen issues it can be linked to that my dd has asd and will often do this and believe me no amount off punishment works she literally just says what she sees when I explain its rude she says but they are she doesn't seem to get its upsetting, if it continues I would speak to the sen teacher.

@witchesbubblebath thankyou for being kind but I dont think I handled it as well as I could have. People have pointed out that I should have made her apologise herself which for some reason I just didn't think of. And tbh im mortified it happened at all. I think its becoming clear I have been lax about what my son has had on the TV when she's been there... and I think my being away and all the upheaval has made her very unsettled.

@Baublesandtinsel I am going to speak to her teacher about it when she goes back. I am a bit worried that she understood it was hurtful but did it anyway.

@Runnerbum wow you made so many assumptions where did op say dd said evil or that she shouldn't be getting medical care or even that a fat woman shouldn't be in dd world, dd simply made a rude remark and there isnt a 4 year old in the world that has never done that.

Think you need to grow up.

@Mumtobabyhavoc thankyou thats a really kind thing to say. Im glad someone understands. It is incredibly stressful trying to cater to so many needs at once. I always feel someone is getting let down and today it seemed like my daughter (and that poor woman in the waiting room) because how has this managed to happen?

Don’t overthink that part. She’s four - she doesn’t know that hurting people is wrong because you haven’t taught her that yet. Human nature is to hurt others to our benefit, society attempts to beat that natural instinct out of us so we’re decent people. No one is born understanding not to hurt others, just give her consequences when she hurts others in future and she’ll stop. Don’t work yourself up into thinking she’s some kind of psychopath, she’s not.

I was responding to PP (who I quoted), not OP

At four my nephew would repeatedly try to hit or kick us and then look at us to see if he got a reaction. If we told him it hurt us it almost seemed to spur him on.

At 10 he is a sensitive, kind and considerate boy who would never hurt anyone deliberately and takes people's feelings into account.

Studies show that some components of empathy don't kick in until 6 or 7