Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Contacted by bully's mother

355 replies

Jennybeans401 · 16/12/2022 18:45

Dd hleft her previous primary school due to bullying. Two girls in particular had been excluding her, making fun of her and it led to dd having mental health problems (nightmares, anxiety). One of the girls had been best friends with dd until year 3 then really turned on her- all the more hurtful.

School couldn't resolve the problem and off rolled us over the telephone. They hadn't recorded the bullying and didn't want to acknowledge it.

Dd started a new school before half term and is recovering. She misses some of her friends but never asks to speak to them. She's much happier in herself, moving on.

Yesterday the mum of her ex best friend texted me. X misses dd and really wants to meet and talk, perhaps in the park. Months ago when dd was struggling the mum rarely contacted me, she's quite narcissistic and was very competitive. This also translated to her dd wanting to compete with dd.

Friend of mine thinks I should go ahead with the meeting and 'bury the hatchet'. However I don't want to set dd back, she's been doing so well. I asked her earlier if she ever misses X. She said 'a bit' but not when she was nasty.

AIBU not to reply? I don't usually ignore messages but I really don't want to deal with this anymore more. We have had to move schools and it's been a big adjustment for us, the time for her to talk to me was surely months ago?

OP posts:
NoWayRose · 16/12/2022 21:09

I wouldn’t engage with giving her more emotional info about your family, the bullying etc - sadly, she’ll it sounds like she’d probably enjoy the drama.

YouOKHun · 16/12/2022 21:11

853ax · 16/12/2022 19:10

She has probably lost a few more friends again by being mean so her mother looking to get your daughter back.
Think as well to just ignore. Glad your daughter happy in new school.

Yes I agree @853ax she’s found a new victim and people have questioned why your daughter has left the school. Only now, when the negative spotlight is on her daughter does she contact you OP, I’d put money on it.

I’m generally in favour of children learning to patch up friendships themselves and understand their own part in certain dynamics but when bullying is serious and constant and has been serious enough to warrant a change of school then I think you’d be wise to manage this away without your DD having the dilemma about meeting up or not. If she’s happy now, leave it at that. I would respond with “no” but I expect there is a more adult response.

I think the school needs challenging - where is their adherence to the policy they must have in place? It’s pretty serious that it was not recorded. Was it a private school (I only ask because some of them are shite at dealing with bullying because they don’t have the same visibility as state schools IME).

Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 16/12/2022 21:11

@NeverDropYourMooncup we had no school to go to, we deregistered and I was going to send a letter. I didn't get a chance to send a letter (which would have detailed the bullying as a reason for us leaving) as the HT told me she was deregistering us over the phone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 16/12/2022 21:12

@NeverDropYourMooncup we had no school for a few weeks, we had to HE

OP posts:
changeme4this · 16/12/2022 21:14

Stay well away from the pair of them. You blocked the mother for good reason. Her daughter will only push/pull your DD again and worse behind her back.

Zanatdy · 16/12/2022 21:15

I’d just block her, don’t respond

Comeonbarbiebrianharvey · 16/12/2022 21:17

That's interesting, I wonder if your gut knows she's the type of person who would want to know the details, not because she cares because she wants gossip/to be nosey. Maybe she's hoping it's not going great. Who knows, maybe she didn't know how bad her kid was/how big a role? Either way just block or say, thanks but she's doing really well so I want to move on now. I'd just block!

3peassuit · 16/12/2022 21:17

She doesn’t have your DD’s best interest at heart. Block and forget her.

EarthSight · 16/12/2022 21:20

I agree with other posters - don't contact her back. Her daughter might want some closure in either apologising to your daughter, or wants to patch things up because there a negative spotlight on currently on her daughter. You don't owe them that closure. They are just going to have to live with their actions. Cut them off and ignore.

Theunamedcat · 16/12/2022 21:21

Does she know what school your at?

What happened to my daughter when we left her school was the bully got bullied and ended up changing schools to hers also this was obviously not ideal I told the school What was going on (I didn't name names when I moved her as we were leaving What was the point?) They had a word with said bully and told her not to even try it with her here she had a few wobbles but ultimately she had a bigger social circle in the new school and they protected her

Isithotinhere · 16/12/2022 21:23

I would reply, saying "no thanks, DD is busy with new friends and activities in her new school, no time to meet up."

And then block her number - the best revenge is a life well lived.

Lovemusic33 · 16/12/2022 21:25

I wouldn’t reply. Don’t put your dd through it. Teach your dd that you don’t have to put up with being treated badly by people, you can chose who you are friends with, friends do not treat you badly to the point it makes you anxious.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 16/12/2022 21:26

I would be so tempted to reply, “My daughter had to move schools due to the bullying behaviour of your daughter, amongst others. My dd is still recovering from this whilst yours has not apologised or, as far as I am aware, suffered any consequences. Why would we want to meet, and what do you think we would want to talk about?”

But I can equally understand if you just want to block and forget her.

Gagaandgag · 16/12/2022 21:30

As someone who was bullied at school, don’t go back there!!!! Politely decline or ignore

BattenburgSlice · 16/12/2022 21:31

Avoid all doings with a narcissist!

Letthekidsplay · 16/12/2022 21:33

Chances are her dd doesnt
miss yours and just can’t stand her moving in and wants to be able to mess with her head again. Don’t let her.

QS90 · 16/12/2022 21:33

"The absolutely weirdest thing about this is I had a dream about the mother last night".

Sounds like your subconscious agrees with the MNetters!

Soothsayer1 · 16/12/2022 21:34

any response will feed her and give her information about how best to draw you in so that she can feed some more
you need to starve her
treat he like she doesnt exist
ignore

TheFormidableMrsC · 16/12/2022 21:39

Absolutely don't do this. I had to move my child before her GCSE's due to horrific bullying. I had parents and then some of her "friends" contact me asking how she was, where she was, etc etc. I blanked the lot of them. Left them all on read. Don't introduce that poison back into her life. Good luck.

EpicChaos · 16/12/2022 21:41

Bully wanting to do some narcissistic hoovering by the sounds of it, just ignore and move on. Don't acknowledge at all.

TaysideTeuchter · 16/12/2022 21:42

I was bullied at school. I agree with PP - block and ignore. With regards to secondary school, it might be worth giving them the heads up before your daughter starts there. Depending on how big the school is, they could put your daughter in a different class to the bully. It may also protect other potential victims (if the teachers can keep an eye out for bullying behaviours.)

I find it very frustrating that it always seems to be the victims who have their education disrupted, never the bully.

Well done for protecting your daughter.

Eatdrinkbemerry · 16/12/2022 21:44

I would not contact her. It sounds like your DD is in a better place. I have a friend who had a similar situation. Her daughters very young and would be in tears from the way a friend would treat her. Similar things, one minute they are BFF then the next would just stop talking and my friends poor DD would be in tears. Wouldn’t want to go to school.

They changed schools also and her DD is so much happier. Met up with old bully friend a few times but then said to my friend she didn’t want to meet her again.

let your daughter keep the happiness she seems to have found.

magma32 · 16/12/2022 21:45

I wouldn’t even honour her with a reply. Yabu for considering it. You replying to say no or any explanation will give them ammunition and your dd will hate you. Just ignore.

stopthebarking · 16/12/2022 21:45

I'd be tempted to give her a gigantic piece of my mind. Not only tell her no, but tell her in brutal detail exactly why not and that you're staggered she would even suggest such a thing.

Probably better to just ignore her completely, though, so you can always plead ignorance, crossed wires, etc. if you ever need to interact with her again. Besides, if she's a narcissist, it probably wouldn't even make a dent in her hide, anyway.

MontyK · 16/12/2022 21:46

Absolutely do not meet them.