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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is he a keeper?

255 replies

WhatisWrong1 · 16/12/2022 13:12

I have trust issues with my BF of 8 months.

He hasnt done anything to make me distrust him - I just think, from what he has told me, he acts up with his friends and he is with them this weekend for a weekend bender. He sees his friends probably every 6 months.

He has told the odd fib or two when quizzed about stuff that happened way before he met me. I like to know the background of someone, what their values are, I think past can tell alot about present.

Anyway, he drove 9 hours last night to the hotel he is staying at. He had to stop a few times to charge his car. During which he wanted to call and phoned a few times. I didnt answer. I've told him I dont trust him and I think we should break up because its not fair on both of us.

He has pleaded with me not to end the relationship, said I am the one and doesnt undertand why we would break up if we love each other. He has said I am overthinking things and creating fake senarios and I am pushing him away. He texted the whole time using voice control text to sort out the situation.

I said I didnt want us to be together but I do worry and would like to know when he has arrived safely - he then sent me a live location pin so I could see that.

I then said I was going to bed (as it was nearly 1am), he told me he would arrive around 230/3am (he left late as we argued). He said he wanted to charge his car when he arrived so it was done for when he drives back Sunday.

Much later he texted saying he had arrived at 2am. Then he said he was going to charge his car and then he said he was back at 4am(ish). Why did he do this? Was he visiting the strip club which his hotel is around the corner from?

This morning he has texted me saying good morning, how am I etc., then he said that he hopes I get to work okay with all this bad snow, and now he has texted asking if I am okay.

I havent texted him back since asking him to let me know he arrived safe.

But with this asttentive texts, while he is with friends,. am I being horrible?!

Did he go to a stripclub last night?

I dont know if I am ruining this and pushing away a man, I do consider to be the one.

Help

OP posts:
daisyjgrey · 16/12/2022 13:51

He might be a keeper.

You aren't though.

ScarlettSunset · 16/12/2022 13:52

WhatisWrong1 · 16/12/2022 13:43

He said he loves me and asked if we are toghether
i dont know what to say

Say no.
Even without everything you've posted, if you don't think you can trust him enough to not have to spend time thinking about that then 'no, we're not together' is the answer you should give.

Pebbledashery · 16/12/2022 13:52

Gently. You need to invest in doing a lot of work on yourself before getting into a relationship. You sound hugely insecure, paranoid and not healthy to be with at this current moment in time.

RunnerBum · 16/12/2022 13:52

WhatisWrong1 · 16/12/2022 13:47

No i never found out about french girl - he said trhat he never wants any female to ever show him attention ever again for all the trouble it has caused

You said that thread wasn't you...

FlissyPaps · 16/12/2022 13:54

OP you are being absolutely RIDICULOUS.

You clearly don’t trust him. You clearly don’t want this relationship to progress.

Own it.

Don’t ask us what to do. YOU know what you want to do.

Tell him how you feel. In person. He deserves the respect from you to break up with him in person.

Octo5 · 16/12/2022 13:55

Please leave this poor guy alone.
You are controlling and abusive.

You need to be single for a long time.

TheShellBeach · 16/12/2022 13:55

RunnerBum · 16/12/2022 13:52

You said that thread wasn't you...

Show quote history

Yes, OP. You claimed that the thread which was linked (with a different user name) wasn't yours.

So how did we know about the French girl?

Pebbledashery · 16/12/2022 13:55

I feel sorry for your poor bloke tbh. He deserves better

Teddybear27 · 16/12/2022 13:56

Sweetie, you have severe trust issues. I feel really sorry for your poor BF. You need to work on your self esteem. Cut the guy some slack for goodness sake!
You will push him (and anyone else) away. It is not him because if you were with any man you would be like this. A guy should be able to go out with his friends for the evening without texting you every five mins. Just because there is a strip club round the corner doesn’t mean he will go there. Your behaviour is boarding on abusive.

bubbleandsqueakk · 16/12/2022 13:56

OP I mean this from a good place but I think you need to end this relationship and get some help with your issues. This is not healthy. I was with an incredibly paranoid snd possessive man and he almost ruined me. You are going to ruin this relationship but probably already have. He is his own person and should be allowed to catch up with friends without your drama

Aprilx · 16/12/2022 13:59

WhatisWrong1 · 16/12/2022 13:29

But I broke up with him
What more can I do
I dont want to staty with someone and feel this way

So that is the end of it then. Why are you asking if he is a keeper?

I have no idea if he is a keeper, but I don’t think you are, you sound scary.

Pottedpalm · 16/12/2022 14:01

What do you do? Grow up.

BellePeppa · 16/12/2022 14:01

I got bored half way though this.

Octo5 · 16/12/2022 14:03

So that is the end of it then. Why are you asking if he is a keeper?

Exactly.

You are an attention seeker and you want him to beg for you back.

Just stop.

Leave him alone, stop playing games and move on with your life.

Flapjackquack · 16/12/2022 14:03

I think OP is just bored and can’t keep track of all the fiction they are writing online.

jeaux90 · 16/12/2022 14:06

You don't grow and live a life in someone's shadow.

It's fine to have boundaries like no strip clubs. It's not fine to control if people see their friends etc.

If he violates your boundaries that's on him. You finish it.

If you are trying to stop him having a life outside your relationship then this sucks and you need to work out why you are so insecure.

TheShellBeach · 16/12/2022 14:07

Flapjackquack · 16/12/2022 14:03

I think OP is just bored and can’t keep track of all the fiction they are writing online.

I'm bored, reading it.

viques · 16/12/2022 14:08

Let him loose. You will never trust him because it is not in your nature. He will always want time with his boozy mates because it is in his nature. If you stay together it will be a constant series of recriminations, breakups, reconciliations, more distrust, tears, texts,accusations. It will be misery.

Find yourself a nice old dodderer whose idea of a good night out is a steak dinner at a local gastro pub.

Unbridezilla · 16/12/2022 14:09

Classic abusers tactics to start a fight just before he leaves to meet his friends, OP.

What were you hoping to achieve? Him changing his mind and not going? Was you telling him you wanted to break up a tactic to get him to stay? I hope the fact he still left means he'll have chance to talk it over with his friends and get their support

RunnerBum · 16/12/2022 14:09

viques · 16/12/2022 14:08

Let him loose. You will never trust him because it is not in your nature. He will always want time with his boozy mates because it is in his nature. If you stay together it will be a constant series of recriminations, breakups, reconciliations, more distrust, tears, texts,accusations. It will be misery.

Find yourself a nice old dodderer whose idea of a good night out is a steak dinner at a local gastro pub.

Or OP could be single and not abuse an "old dodderer" just because they're an easier target!

TheOrigRights · 16/12/2022 14:10

I can't be arsed to comment on the drama, but my first thought was what a terrible advert for electric vehicles! All that charging!

TheShellBeach · 16/12/2022 14:11

I'd be sorry for the "old dodderer."

viques · 16/12/2022 14:11

RunnerBum · 16/12/2022 14:09

Or OP could be single and not abuse an "old dodderer" just because they're an easier target!

Show quote history

True!😁

TheShellBeach · 16/12/2022 14:11

TheOrigRights · 16/12/2022 14:10

I can't be arsed to comment on the drama, but my first thought was what a terrible advert for electric vehicles! All that charging!

I thought the same. Aren't they meant to last a bit longer than half an hour?

idonotmind · 16/12/2022 14:11

He needs a new car at least