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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still blame DH for daughters injury

151 replies

spagettinoodlebrain · 16/12/2022 12:21

Two years ago, over lockdown my DD6 was playing in the garden after dinner, DH outside doing some diy, I was bathing the baby inside. My DD runs in screaming, blood pouring and has a big gauge in her cheek. The injury is still very visible even after maxofacial surgery this year. It breaks my heart to look at her sometimes and I can't help feeling that if DH had kept an eye on her like I'd asked him to this wouldn't have happened - if I had seen her on the play equipment with jagged stick in hand I would have stopped her, just instinctively. I've never said anything directly to him but I do snap at him more, has anyone been through similar?

OP posts:
itsjustnotok · 16/12/2022 12:24

Personally think YABU. Accidents happen and tbh my kids used to play with sticks. They were wands or swords or whatever else they could imagine. Obviously it depends on what actually happened but it doesn’t take a second to trip and fall as an example. You could have told her to put it down and as she did it she could have fallen and the result the same.

CouldYouGetOff · 16/12/2022 12:27

My DC had a horrible accident while my husband was with him. Really awful thing to happen and I think about it every time I look at my child.

But it was an accident. I don't blame my husband. We can't turn back the clock and change that day. We have to keep going.

So I do sympathise with how traumatic something like that can be. But I can't relate to the feelings of blame you're experiencing.

MissyB1 · 16/12/2022 12:27

Goodness me you have to let this go! Kids have accidents, we can’t wrap them in cotton wool, and you can’t have eyes on them 24/7. You will poison your marriage carrying this resentment around.

TimeForTeaAndG · 16/12/2022 12:27

If you knew he was doing DIY then he was obviously not going to spend every second watching her. Tbh, at 6 I wasn't watching DDs every move anyway.

Why did the baby need a bath rather than you watching them both while DH finished what he was doing?

It was an accident. It's horrible that it happened but there's no saying you could have stopped it either. What if you'd been playing with the baby and DD did the same thing. Do you think DH would still be wondering why you didn't prevent it?

How does he feel about it, actually? Does he feel guilty that it happened on his watch?

RoseslnTheHospital · 16/12/2022 12:28

It really isn't his fault. As the PP has said, it could have happened with you supervising too. It's not fair to snap at him and not good for you to harbour this kind of resentment.

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 16/12/2022 12:29

YABVU. Accidents happen, you can’t watch every move they make.

user922218 · 16/12/2022 12:29

Imagine how your DH must be feeling? No doubt he blames himself and though he might not saying anything might just ignore it he probably will always feel bad for it.

Realistically you can't watch them all them time try as we might and accidents happen.

Poppyblush · 16/12/2022 12:30

Yabu. Bio oil may help.

CatherinedeBourgh · 16/12/2022 12:30

That is a very poisonous attitude, which will do no one any favours.

Accidents happen. Unless your dh set out to deliberately hurt your dd, which there is no indication he did, it is not his fault.

And helicoptering over your children to avoid any risk is not healthy either.

AtomicBlondeRose · 16/12/2022 12:30

My DS split his eyebrow open at 18 months when both DH and I were both literally watching him! It happened in a second. It’s natural to think “what if” but the probability is nothing would have been different.

UseAMuckySock · 16/12/2022 12:31

He was busy doing something else. Maybe you should have waited to bath the baby until he had finished what he was doing?

MajorCarolDanvers · 16/12/2022 12:31

YABVU - accidents happen

Maybe you need to get some counselling because you could be damaging your relationship and its not healthy to still have these feelings 2 years later.

Tinkerbyebye · 16/12/2022 12:32

YABU. It was an accident, who is to say you would get there if she fell with a stick in her hand

CousinKrispy · 16/12/2022 12:33

I'm so sorry this happened, it is so upsetting when our children experience harm.

My DD broke her wrist ice skating while under my watch. Accidents happen and the presence of a loving and attentive parent does not always guarantee that it won't. You really need to let this go or it will cause bad feeling between you and your H, it is very unfair on him.

Unless he has a history of being inattentive and careless and ignoring safety, which you haven't mentioned.

Can you talk with a professional about it at all? I wonder if CBT might be a useful approach? I know it's easy for us to just say "move on and drop it" but I realise that can be harder in practice.

Starlight86 · 16/12/2022 12:33

My DD at about 3 grabbed my razor in the bathroom that i forgot to move just as i was putting her in the bath, she sliced open her hand.

I still blame myself , DH has never once blamed me even though i should have remembered to put the razor away.

Im sure your DH wishes he was watching her in the moments before it happened but i was literally holding my child as her accident happened.

Accidents happen.

DolphinNosePotato1 · 16/12/2022 12:34

I’m sorry that you are still upset about this. But I don’t think it’s your DH’s fault. I have a nearly 6 year old and I am certainly not watching his every move. Accidents happen.

Emmamoo89 · 16/12/2022 12:34

Yabu. Accidents happen. Let it go.

Rhythmisadancer · 16/12/2022 12:35

I think it's probably a visceral response to the visual reminder of your child's accident. I slammed our DD's pinky in the front door when she was v little, and I felt sick every time I looked at the door for ages after (it was a bit inconvenient, but she was fine)
Parenting is a series of near misses, and it's impossible to keep an eye on them 100% of the time - you're just lucky that nothing has gone wrong whenever your attention has wandered. If it had it would make it very difficult if your DH remained resentful, so you have to forgive him. Just recognise that you're still sad that she was hurt, but let go of the blame.

Aprilx · 16/12/2022 12:35

It is something that would have happened in an instant, I don’t think he could possibly have been capable of watching her that closely whilst also performing DIY. It would have been better if you had been watching her whilst he worked, but even then, you probably could not have prevented this either as it would have been such a quick thing. Nobody was at fault.

TinFoilHatty · 16/12/2022 12:36

I know how you feel, lots of us have had similar. But we are able to rationalise it away, not harbour deep resentment over an incident.

A very wise woman on here once told me this, it has stuck with me ever since (must be over a decade ago!)

'they are called accidents, not on-purposes'.

Your child had an accident. She was not injured on purpose.

RunnerBum · 16/12/2022 12:36

Not going to pile-on, you know the answer. Just wanted to say that two years is no time for scarring to go down, it'll fade. I had a similar injury as a child and I can't even see it if I look for it now. I also injured my hand and have what I would consider to be severe scarring - it took almost a decade before my DH noticed it (but he is one oblivious idiot). So, honestly, it's not forever and these injuries really very rarely have noticeable permanent marks.

Original poster
spagettinoodlebrain · 16/12/2022 12:37

Thanks for all the comment. I do know deep down it's not his fault but something inside me triggers a feeling about him when I look at my DD and I need to shake it up because it's building resentment, I'm thankful my DD is 9 now and is not too bothered she's an active kid and seems still as popular with friends at school. I appreciate the comment from the parent who has been through similar with her Dh and son and accept it was a total accident

OP posts:
CatchHimDerry · 16/12/2022 12:37

Yabu, these things just happen and your DH would prob be devastated if he knew how you felt. Probably already beats himself up over it as it is. Try to be kinder to yourself and to him x

UseOfWeapons · 16/12/2022 12:38

YABU. Let it go, accidents happen. Are you saying your children have never taken a tumble when you’ve been watching them? Is your attitude one you would like your DH to adopt should something similar occur, when you were in nominal charge?

WaddleAway · 16/12/2022 12:38

YABU, it was an accident. 6 year olds don’t usually require full time supervision while playing, and it’s normal to be doing something else while keeping an eye out at that age. He must feel awful anyway, no need to have everyone else blaming him too.