To still blame DH for daughters injury

[spagettinoodlebrain]

Two years ago, over lockdown my DD6 was playing in the garden after dinner, DH outside doing some diy, I was bathing the baby inside. My DD runs in screaming, blood pouring and has a big gauge in her cheek. The injury is still very visible even after maxofacial surgery this year. It breaks my heart to look at her sometimes and I can't help feeling that if DH had kept an eye on her like I'd asked him to this wouldn't have happened - if I had seen her on the play equipment with jagged stick in hand I would have stopped her, just instinctively. I've never said anything directly to him but I do snap at him more, has anyone been through similar?

That’s a very bold statement to make and I hope it never comes back to haunt you. I am attentive to the point of neurotic (suffer a bit with anxiety) and my children have still had a couple of preventable accidents in my care, one which could have been serious and still gives me chills years later. It’s impossible to be perfect in this respect and without knowing any more details than the OP has given, I think it’s a stretch to state firmly that it’s grounds for divorce.

I hope you never have to experience the guilt that comes with a momentary slip up or your husband leaving you as a result, as you apparently would him.

YABU.

I once dislocated my DD's elbow swinging her around. Slightly embarrassing as I was a social worker and OH a doctor - didn't look great! My OH did not heap blame on me.

YABU. It could have happened on either of your watch. I’m sure he feels guilty and knowing you are holding onto blame won’t help. It happened, she is fine - best to move forward

Wow. Your poor husband

It was an accident. They can happen in a twinkling of an eye even if you are there.
It isn’t anyone’s fault by sound if it.

YABU.
You can't expect someone doing DIY, possibly using power tools, sharp knives or potentially dangerous chemical to keep an eye on a child.
Why didn't you keep her inside and out of the way??
Would you have let her play in the garden if you'd had workmen/builders there?

YABU OP. My do was with our ds when he was horrifically injured when he was 2. It was traumatic for all of us, but I have never once blamed my do because it simply wasn't his fault. Accidents happen. My ds is scarred and will be for life. He's nearly 9 now and fine but does still have obvious scarring

Injuries fade. I knew a young girl with a massive dog bite to cheek, the initial photos were awful. They did such a good job and several years later it was a tiny pink mark in the cold.
My dd has a very visible disability and her self esteem is good. Lots comes from your attitude. I wouldn’t be tolerating cousin being rude. We are all different it’s rude to comment on appearance.
As a teen if she wants to them there are cosmetic makeup camouflage options.
I think you need to move on. It was an accident.

It's interesting that when my DD had her first accident where there was a bit if blood it was on DWs watch. I felt a strange sense of relief because if it had happened with me I felt like I would've been judged in the way you are doing.

I don't see a problem with a 6yo playing with sticks. My only real absolute no-no is anything in the mouth whilst playing.

Mine fell at school at 6 years old, and shattered her wrist, doing something riskier than she should have been allowed to do in the playground. It’s visibly “wrong” still (several years later). Immediately afterwards I felt quite “accidents happen” and didn’t have a sense of blame toward anyone... but a few months of painful physio & operations later I was a lot more bitter! Now, I can again see that it was an accident - one that maybe could have been prevented if everyone was perfect all the time, but really just one of those things. So I do kind of see where you’re coming from.

It sounds like you don’t feel your DH is a proper responsible parent- needing prompted to help, then his help not being reliable enough. Maybe speak to him about that? Or arrange to go away for a weekend to let him get on with it himself?

It sounds like you maybe need to talk to someone, eg a counsellor, to work through how you feel about this. You know logically that you shouldn't blame him but you still feel resentment- just having a chance to express this to a neutral person and get to the bottom of your feelings about it might help you through.

I'd also add that this might greatly benefit your daughter. You say that it "breaks your heart to look at her sometimes"- there's a real risk that, however hard you're trying not to show it, she will on some level pick up on this, if not now then later. You need to get over it for her sake.

I'm the parent on the other side of this, my dd has extensive scarring from an accident that happened on my watch. Three years on, and the guilt is just about bare-able. If my dh had blamed/resented me I would have had a much harder time keeping it together enough to give dd all the support she needed.

This

if I had seen her on the play equipment with jagged stick in hand I would have stopped her

If he had seen her on the play equipment with jagged stick in hand no doubt he would have stopped her, too.

You feel awful about what has happened to your daughter, but it could have happened under your care or at school or a friend's house. It was an accident and they happen sometimes. The average 6 year old does not require 1 to 1 supervision and I assume your DH was working close by, so was on hand to know if anything went wrong. She could have tripped, banged her head and died - unlikely, but possible. We have to let our children take some risks or else they would be so 'wrapped in cotton wool' that they would not develop normally.

Forgive him and forgive yourself for not being there.

Also scars obtained in childhood often fade and change as children age. One of mine slipped off a rock when we were on holiday and cut herself all down the front of her torso. There was a scar there for some time but mo sign of it now she is grown up. My foot was cut badly in two places aged 8 - I can only imagine the scars now as they are so faint.

This sounds really difficult and I think it needs to change somehow. From what you've said, is part of the problem that you feel like your husband isn't very good at looking after your daughter and that's why it's hard for you to accept that it was an accident (as others have said, a 6 year old playing without close supervision in their garden doesn't seem inappropriate). If that's the case, it seems that your daughter's accident is your focal point for a wider problem.

I also wanted to say that I had a horrible horse-riding accident when I was 11 and managed to smash up my nose and mouth quite nastily. The scars were initially very prominent and I hated them and my mum and I spent vast amounts of time and money trying to find ways of covering them. I thought they'd never fade, but years later I have to squint to see them. It's still very early days, scar-wise.

Came on to recommend this oil, which has made a significant improvement to a scar on my DC's face.
www.hollandandbarrett.com/shop/product/trilogy-certified-organic-rosehip-oil-60076391
My child's accident also happened when DH was in charge. He didn't see it happen and I remember the anger I felt at hospital when I struggled to explain the circumstances because I wasn't present and DH didn't see.
It took some time for that anger to fade. Not because I blamed him but because I felt so powerless and didn't quite understand what happened and why.

Perhaps it's your 'fault' as you didn't check the garden for sharp sticks....
YABU don't be so daft it's not your DH fault that an accident happened. He can't 100% supervise her and do DIY. Children do not require 100% supervision either.

OP are you doing anything to her skin to help the scaring ?
Vitamin A capsules ,prick them and put the oil on her skin .

I'm going at the grain here but I would feel the same as you and would blame him inside but I think you should allow yourself to feel this way and thdn try to let it go. Can u talk to ur husbanx about it? Not to blame him but to discuss how upset it makes you? You mag also find if he says he is feeling guilty it may allow you to forgive him more easily.
Goodluck sounds toughx

I can see this from two angles.

When I was 6, my brother 8, he did something innocently which led to me getting an injury (facial) that still has an affect on me in my 30s (not scarring, but it is visible). We found out a few years ago he has never been able to let go of the guilt... even though no one has ever blamed him. He did absolutely nothing wrong.the guilt has had more effect on him than the injury on me.

I have an now-11yo DD. We got a HV visit after taking her to A&E/minor injuries 3 times in 2 months for facial injurie as a toddler One was nursery, one was with me, one with DH. She does have scars. She also broke her arm, under joint supervision. All accidents happened in seconds, despite being watched.

Many 6yos play outside with no supervision. They go to Forest school, run around playparks, play with friends, go to beavers or rainbows. Especially with s younger sibling, they may be unsupervised for a few minutes while a feed or nappy change happens.

It sounds like she's an active child, so accidents will happen. OP, I hope your daughter doesn't pick up on how you feel she's now disfigured, that would be awful for her.

I was a very active child and have a lot of scars, including on my face. Playing leap frog, I landed on my head on the tarmac playground and cut it open quite badly. There's another scar just below my bottom lip from a wooden swing seat hitting me in the face. I've got scars on my legs, arms, ankles and hands. Yet another one came from being hit in the chest with a broom pole. Scars are the result of an active life and I honestly don't think about them, they're just part of who I am. If anyone asks me 'How did you get that scar?' I laugh and say 'Which one?'.

My DH accidentally dropped our DC when she was a few months old. She fractured her skull and it was a very traumatic experience for all of us. I went between been angry with him and feeling sorry for him at the time but a year on, there's no point dwelling. We all have times when we aren't as careful as we should be or don't watch our child as closely as we could but most of the time no accidents happen. Your DH is just unlucky that the child injured themself when he wasn't being as careful as he could. I would move on now, no amount of blaming him will change anything.

My youngest climbed up the dresser when he was 4, fell and broke his wrist. My DH suggested that I hadn't been supervising him. I was in the kitchen next door for 30 seconds and DS climbed. I gave the husband a very big piece of my mind and showed him exactly where he was and where I was. His initial thought was not rational as clearly I could not have predicted that DS would do that in 30 secs. Your reaction is also not rational and is based on your emotional distress that she was injured. Neither your DH nor I were negligent. Please remember that.