Page 2 | To still blame DH for daughters injury

spagettinoodlebrain · 2022-12-16T12:21:19+00:00

Two years ago, over lockdown my DD6 was playing in the garden after dinner, DH outside doing some diy, I was bathing the baby inside. My DD runs in screaming, blood pouring and has a big gauge in her cheek. The injury is still very visible even after maxofacial surgery this year. It breaks my heart to look at her sometimes and I can't help feeling that if DH had kept an eye on her like I'd asked him to this wouldn't have happened - if I had seen her on the play equipment with jagged stick in hand I would have stopped her, just instinctively. I've never said anything directly to him but I do snap at him more, has anyone been through similar?

nokidshere · 16/12/2022 12:38

My (then) 5yr old son slashed his wrist open cutting a major artery and almost lost his life whilst I was looking after him. It was the most traumatic event of our lives. It wasn't my fault and, thankfully, no one blamed me.

You have to let it go. Even though most accidents are preventable they are still just accidents and can happen in the blink of an eye. Don't let it ruin your lives.

cadburyegg · 16/12/2022 12:39

Another gentle YABU here. My dc are 4 and 7 now and I don't watch their every move in the garden unless there is a paddling pool out or similar. In the school playground, there are a few lunchtime supervisors to around 300 children. Plenty of kids play with sticks every day and come to no harm, your DD was very unlucky. A horrible accident.

MrsRinaDecker · 16/12/2022 12:39

Have you ever really talked to him about what happened that day? It sounds like you need a debrief (for want of a better word) perhaps with the two of you and a counsellor?
For a long time I blamed my ex for an injury I had (and to be fair, his behaviour in the aftermath probably exacerbated) but holding on to all that wasn’t healthy. (It wasn’t why we split up, but it probably didn’t help).

TrashyPanda · 16/12/2022 12:40

YABU
it was an accident.

not fair to blame DH - you knew he was busy, and decided to bath the baby. Are you transferring your guilt onto him?

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 16/12/2022 12:41

Why didn't you wait to bathe your baby? You're just as responsible tbh

Onceuponaheartache · 16/12/2022 12:41

@spagettinoodlebrain I get the feeling.

When dd was 2 her older sister slammed her hand in the car door, she broke 3 fingers and they are still slightly deformed 6 years later.

I don't now and never have ames my dsd, but part of me does blame my ex for not watching more closely and not reminding dsd to watch for her sister before shutting the door.

It is utterly irrational, but it is how I feel.

I have never aired it to him and I now I don't react differently to him but for a good 6 months to a year afterwards I probably was a snipey bitch to him.

Your dh probably feels awful enough, as hard as it you need to give him a break.

Accidents do happen and how would you feel if it had happened on your watch and dh was rraring you that way?

Psychonabike · 16/12/2022 12:43

@spagettinoodlebrain

I wonder if your feelings and response are because there is a bigger problem here? Has his supervision of the kids been lacking generally, does he choose to go off and do DIY when he's supposed to be supervising (mistakenly not recognising this as a "job" and thinks he can do both). Have there been other near misses? Had you talked about this before?

I get the YABUs if this was a one-off random freak accident...but in my experience, when you can't let it go it's usually because it occurred in the context of other background issues that contribute to your feelings. In which cause, YANBU.

Original poster

spagettinoodlebrain · 16/12/2022 12:45

I do hope it will continue to fade. I think I'm disappointed her surgery a couple of months ago is healing now and there isn't much difference. The poster who said am I transferring my guilt I think that is spot on! I do feel guilty I wasn't there. It's just so obvious to look at and I worry the impact it will have on her self esteem as she gets older and becomes a teen, for now she's happy on Roblox and plying with her barbies. She had some horrible comments from her cousin who she has not seen for some time last week about her face and that got to me more than her.

OP posts:

Peashoots · 16/12/2022 12:46

Six is far beyond the age where you follow them around as they play, your poor DH is absolutely not at fault here at all. She is fine, she’s not bothered by it, careful you don’t project your own insecurities re her scar onto your daughter.

Merlott · 16/12/2022 12:46

Oh I feel for you OP. When DC1 was 11 months I was cooking with him in the sling. Absolutely stupid and knew I shouldn't have been doing it but I was so sick of not eating proper meals because DC was so ill and clingy and DH refused to step up and cook. DC reached for the hot frying pan and had 2nd degree burn on his wrist. It was so lucky that it wasn't any worse of an injury. I had nightmares and flashbacks for months. To his credit DH did not berate/resent me for the incident. Having to look DH in the eye and explain what had happened was punishment enough. God it was awful.

So YANBU but agree some way of releasing your grief and anger would be healthy. It would be awful to lose an otherwise happy marriage (?) over unresolved feelings.

Original poster

spagettinoodlebrain · 16/12/2022 12:49

It's true that he has never been great with parenting there is more to it, if I'm about then it's all on me unless I ask for help so over 90% of the time meal times, bath times, bed times he just generally does his own thing. He will do things and when I ask why he doesn't he makes excuses like they just want me or some lame excuse

OP posts:

Mariposista · 16/12/2022 12:51

you are massively unreasonable and unfair. I broke my arm at my gran’s house requiring an operation. She felt terrible and I remember my mum telling her over and over to stop blaming herself and that I had to be extra nice (not hard, I loved my gran) as she was feeling so bad. You should be the same. Poor husband.

Mintleafcocktail · 16/12/2022 12:51

I understand why you are upset- its horrible to think of your child having to face surgery due to an accident but you have to let this go otherwise it will poison your relationship.

Imagine if it was the other way around?- and you had looked away for a moment and then he blamed you afterwards, everyone would then be saying he was an arsehole and borderline abusive. If he is otherwise a decent bloke, I'm sure he blames himself more than you ever could so what is this going to achieve long term? We are all human and we make mistakes so unless there are other red flags (which there may well be- we only know what you have told us) I think you need to examine why this is nagging at you so much. There is not always a reason why accidents happen which is maybe why its bugging you?- could it be that blaming your husband gives you a concrete reason for it to have happened which feels more controllable for the future than the mere thought of random harm coming to one of your children (which I admit is a more terrifying thought)- could that be at play here?

yesitssea · 16/12/2022 12:52

Yes wow you are being unfair. Not his fault. Accidents happen.

mauvish · 16/12/2022 12:52

The scar will be less likely to negatively impact your DDs self-esteem if you don't let it.

So she has a scar on her cheek. So what? I'm sure the rest of her looks as lovely as ever, and works perfectly. Yes, some kids may pick up on the scar but again this will be more likely if other children see it as a weak spot for her.

Give her the confidence to know that she's lovely, and the knowledge that scars make no difference at all to the important bits (including personality!) of a person. Teach her to think well of herself, to defend herself when necessary and to treat others with kindness. The scar won't then matter.

KeyboardBotherer · 16/12/2022 12:53

My child suffered a freak head injury that very nearly killed him, age two. I wasn't in the same room (was getting him a drink from the kitchen) but was the only adult in the house.

I hope my husband doesn't secretly blame me.

yadaya · 16/12/2022 12:55

During lockdown my DS fell and cut himself badly. You can still see his scar.
It was an accident it neither of us were watching him properly due to us both trying to work while doing childcare/homeschooling. However, I'm not sure rush we could have fine even if we were watching the whole time.

Accidents happen

TrashyPanda · 16/12/2022 12:57

Please don’t blame yourself.

accidents happen - to absolutely everyone! My dad caught me when my psycho sister pushed me down the stairs and dislocated my shoulder. In hospital I was asked “what happened” and piped up “Daddy did it!”

i also have a deep indent above my eye and have no idea what happened to cause it. Most people never even notice it.

you can’t be everywhere at once
you don’t have eyes in the back of your head
kids do stupid things but they also have to be given appropriate amounts of “freedom”, and playing in a secure garden at the age of 6 with an adult nearby is totally fine for a 6 year old.

Pineconederby · 16/12/2022 12:59

I think the feelings come from you knowing you would have mitigated it. DC1 cut their chin open on a coffee table as a child. Tripped over DH’s outstretched legs (he was sitting on the sofa). Had to go to the hospital for stitches and still has a scar. I know I would have seen DC1 toddling across and instinctively moved my legs so they could get by. DH expected DC1 to stop, or walk round the other way, or climb over. Pretty much saw it as their fault. I still think of it as his fault as he could have stopped it from happening.

JenniferBarkley · 16/12/2022 12:59

I think that not only is it entirely normal to allow a 6 year old to play in the garden unsupervised (usual caveats re security, paddling pools, ponds etc) but it's important to give them that little bit of independence.

Bestcatmum · 16/12/2022 13:01

I would have left my husband if that had ever happened because I would never have allowed that accident to happen.
A lot of men are just totally oblivious to their children in danger. I would not have been able to forgive.

TiddleyWink · 16/12/2022 13:01

Merlott · 16/12/2022 12:46

Oh I feel for you OP. When DC1 was 11 months I was cooking with him in the sling. Absolutely stupid and knew I shouldn't have been doing it but I was so sick of not eating proper meals because DC was so ill and clingy and DH refused to step up and cook. DC reached for the hot frying pan and had 2nd degree burn on his wrist. It was so lucky that it wasn't any worse of an injury. I had nightmares and flashbacks for months. To his credit DH did not berate/resent me for the incident. Having to look DH in the eye and explain what had happened was punishment enough. God it was awful.

So YANBU but agree some way of releasing your grief and anger would be healthy. It would be awful to lose an otherwise happy marriage (?) over unresolved feelings.

Bloody right he didn’t blame you - if he had cooked a meal you wouldn’t have had to do that. I’d be blaming him at least 50% in your shoes. He’s lucky you didn’t hold it against HIM not the other way around!

JenniferBarkley · 16/12/2022 13:02

Bestcatmum · 16/12/2022 13:01

I would have left my husband if that had ever happened because I would never have allowed that accident to happen.
A lot of men are just totally oblivious to their children in danger. I would not have been able to forgive.

At what age would you let your DC play in their own garden without an adult watching their every move?

Kalasbyxor · 16/12/2022 13:04

DC1 had a head injury on my watch when a toddler. Absolutely unpredictable, blink of an eye incident. Walked ahead of me through the hall, stumbled on their own feet, hit head on wall, had a prolonged fit and lost consciousness. Scary hospital stay and SS interview.
DC1 now has mild SEN, which could have been the case anyway, but we've both wondered whether there's a link.

It is a great comfort to me that DP has not once, even for a moment, intimated that it was my fault. It was an accident.
Your husband happened to be 'in charge' when your DD had an accident. Neither of you are at fault. And your DD seems fine. Take care of each other.

DarkShade · 16/12/2022 13:05

When my son was 2 he fell on my watch and still has a small scar still on his face. I feel sad when I think about it. My DP did - and still does - blame me, and let me know it. It doesn't help. I was trying to explain to my friend why it is so upsetting - DS's face was, to me, he only thing in the world that is perfect. And it felt awful to feel that I've done soemthing to mar is, so I get how you feel. But at thr end of the dasy your daughter should make friends who aren't going to be mean about a mark on her cheek, and if it really bothers her there's always foundation.