To still blame DH for daughters injury

[spagettinoodlebrain]

Two years ago, over lockdown my DD6 was playing in the garden after dinner, DH outside doing some diy, I was bathing the baby inside. My DD runs in screaming, blood pouring and has a big gauge in her cheek. The injury is still very visible even after maxofacial surgery this year. It breaks my heart to look at her sometimes and I can't help feeling that if DH had kept an eye on her like I'd asked him to this wouldn't have happened - if I had seen her on the play equipment with jagged stick in hand I would have stopped her, just instinctively. I've never said anything directly to him but I do snap at him more, has anyone been through similar?

It sounds as if you're taking your parents' behaviour and what happened to you and applying the situation yo your husband. The word perfect being applied to her siblings and not her is awful - your daughter will be perfect in many other ways - there is more to life than looks.

If you continue to hold this against your husband you will end up separating unless he has zero self awareness (he is probably aware of your feelings towards him as it is).

All these could have/what if/if only - what's done is done you can't turn back the clock. What do you want exactly?

Big hugs, OP, I can understand your feelings about this based on your background. I'm sorry you were failed by your parents that way and I'm glad you're looking after your daughter with such love.

I have a scar on my face from a childhood accident. I never give it a second thought, I only thought of it because I read your thread. It was a preventable accident, but I have never thought of it that way - again I have only considered whether it was preventable having read your thread. My mum tried to get a make up lady to teach me to disguise it. But I just don't care and don't bother. Try very hard not to transfer your feelings to your dd. She will be fine.

Why do you out up with it?

Put up

Well he could argue if you knew he was doing some DIY he wouldn't be able to watch his dd properly so you should have bathed the baby later and supervise her......there are a million and one what ifs when it comes to accidents like this. Trying to lay blame to ease your own guilt is pointless and helps nobody

Very unreasonable op. Even a vigilant parent will mess up sometimes and not anticipate every potential accident, even you op.

I hesitate to mention it, but if you are still making him pay years later, some therapy might be useful to you.

When I was a young child I cracked my head open right in the centre of my forehead and still have the scar, and dint in the skull to prove it.

It's not affected my self esteem at all. I am confident, and it doesn't define my worth at all. I think the most damaging thing to me would be if my family kept pointing it out about how much it bothers them!

You need to let this be water off a ducks back. She's a beautiful young girl, who has just had an accident and now has a scar which tells a story as to something that happened in her past. She's not an ogre, she doesn't have 3 heads, it's not bothering her.

I'm sure both you and your husband feel some sort of guilt which is just normal for parents but shit happens. She lived to tell the tale.

I don't think one can ever say 'It wouldn't have happened under my watch' for something like this.

I find it fascinating how differently people react to incidents that leave a facial scare depending on the child's sex - if it's a boy, they're left to it and maybe there's some jokes about how it will look 'manly' if he still has it when he's older, but if it's a girl there's panic that her life is ruined because now she might never be 'perfect'. We're not living in the Middle Ages! Girls and women's sole value isn't in their appearance any more. Amazing how deep the conditioning goes, even though it's not longer necessary.

It could be argued that it is your fault this has happened. After all, you chose to bath a baby instead of watching your DD when you know he was doing DIY. How could he hammer or saw or what ever and be safe and watch a child at the same time. It's either one or the other. You know that.
Why didn't you call her inside? Why didn't you ask her to help with the baby and get a towel or something? Why did you take your eyes off her of it important that she has to be watched.
The reason is you can't have your eyes glued on a 6 year old all the time.
You are going to destroy your own marriage and mind if you carry on like this.
Seriously consider getting support for this. My mum has carried over 50 years of blame for an accident that was life changing for one of my siblings and it wasn't her fault. As a result she has treat me and my other siblings very different and it has caused resentment amongst us.

I think this plus the history with your jaw is your actual issue.

The jaw sounds like a tough experience, but it really doesn’t sound like your daughter’s scar is anywhere near that level, so try and separate them.

As to the rest of it.. I think it’s another thread! But you don’t have to put up with him for the next 20 years.

Why don’t you read all the OPs posts? The story has developed somewhat.

YABU, please seek counselling to move forward.

Last year I accidentally (obviously) burnt my then one year old DS with hot oil. I was cooking one morning, he crawled in the kitchen and sat beside the hob, the oil splashed as I flipped the pancake and it splashed on him. He had no clothes on because it was warm outside and I only just changed him out of pjs. It was all split second stuff, not my fault in the slightest. Obviously kicked myself over it for ages questioning why I didn’t stop cooking to move him away straight away, why I used so much oil etc. Anyway, the trauma of the incident aside (mostly traumatic for me long term, I doubt he remembers!) he is fine now and that’s the important thing.

Accidents happen, it’s just life. Lockdown was a really tough time for everyone too, most people were under far more mental strain than usual. Go easy on your DH, he really didn’t intend for this to happen.

Good to know about the gel👍. We were told any oil/cream would do, but it was many years ago, despite me still remembering the drama of it like it was yesterday 🙄

He was doing DIY, not sitting around doing nothing. YABU

Luredbyapomegranate
Why don’t you read all the OPs posts? The story has developed somewhat
Any reason why you are only calling out my post in paticular and not everyone else who are saying similar things to me?
The points in my post are still relevant.

I am going to go against the grain and say that your feelings are valid. An accident can happen with anyone but it didn't.. it happened when your daughter was with your husband and from what you said - he had not indicated that he feels responsible for the accident, nor has he altered his parenting and taken a more active, more attentive role in parenting. (I am of course - reading in to your comments and maybe he has.. in which case, maybe some reframing might be in order.)

I also don't believe that you feel guilty - it sounds like you feel angry.

I think it is important to voice how you feel. If you feel that these feelings are taking up too much space in your head, you could reach out and get help to reframe these memories and your response to them. You might also want to consider marriage counselling.

It will fade a lot more and as she grows too
I have a big surgical scar on my back, maybe 5 inches which was stitched internally and externally and had staples
That was 2017 and now is a barely visible thin white line and I did nothing to it except lotion when it was itchy!

It was an unfortunate accident. It was 2 YEARS ago. If your daughter is well and happy, that's all that matters now. You need to let it go.

Wow. Are you sure about that?

One of mine has a scar on their forehead where she slipped and split her head open on a stool. I was right behind her and STILL didn't manage to grab her in time as it happened so quickly.

OP, accidents happen and while you can't blame him for this, if you do have other concerns about his lack of care you should address them. Good luck.

YABVU
Accidents happen.
I have a large scar on my cheek from a childhood accident where I fell through some French doors when I was two.
My Mum was looking after me.
I can’t imagine my Dad blaming her, that’s just dreadful.
Please talk to someone other than your Husband about it, he must feel bad enough.

Try imagining how you would feel if an accident happened on your watch. You’d feel dreadful and guilty. How would you want your husband to respond? With love and kindness to you and support you, knowing how bad you must feel.

An accident could happen on her watch but she might express guilt / regret that it happened and have changed the way she supervises her children when they are in her care.... which her partner does not appear to have done.

Yabvu.

You likely feel bad yourself as you know he's not a good parent and left her in his care. Which is shit as he should be a good parent but this sounds like an accident. Sounds like you need to look at the relationship.