To still blame DH for daughters injury

[spagettinoodlebrain]

Two years ago, over lockdown my DD6 was playing in the garden after dinner, DH outside doing some diy, I was bathing the baby inside. My DD runs in screaming, blood pouring and has a big gauge in her cheek. The injury is still very visible even after maxofacial surgery this year. It breaks my heart to look at her sometimes and I can't help feeling that if DH had kept an eye on her like I'd asked him to this wouldn't have happened - if I had seen her on the play equipment with jagged stick in hand I would have stopped her, just instinctively. I've never said anything directly to him but I do snap at him more, has anyone been through similar?

I can relate op. My dc have each had an accident in DH’s care that wouldn’t have happened in mine because we have different tolerances. Both have left scars.

But dd has a small facial scar from scratching when she had chicken pox, on my watch and I should have known better than to trust her not to scratch when she was only 4 ffs. I still feel cross with myself about that and I have to temper those feelings because she really, really doesn’t need to see those emotions on my face when I look at her!

And dh has sometimes stepped in to stop their play in circumstances where I would let them take more risks. We just have different views on things and 99% of the time that’s ok.

But it’s not easy to always be rational - they’re our dc and provoke very strong instinctual protective responses. I know I’ve felt a surge of mama bear because my child was hurt and wanted to savage the person who hurt them - except that it was my other child!

Recognise that there are layers to these feelings - it’s not as simple as “let it go” because you have to peel apart the layers and see them all first. Take your time with this. It’s a lot to deal with.

Awful thing to happen but YABU. My DS, then 5 fell off a climbing frame on my watch and split his head open which needed to be glued at the hospital. I felt terribly guilty and feel sick thinking about it 5 years later.

Very gently, your daughter’s injury is where you can see it. But when my DB decided to get a No 1 haircut, we could all see the adventures he had put his head through from all the little scars. (Note: he couldn’t see them). Two we knew about but the rest of the collection remain a mystery.

I have scar on my knee that took 50 years to fade though it was only me who saw it. I do remember the volume of blood. But I also have a number of scars on my face from chicken pox. No one on earth would suggest my mother had been negligent and I was almost hospitalised with it.

My point being, kids have accidents and adventures. How we deal with them is entirely up to us but blame is rarely productive.

Please don’t make your DH feel guilty over this. I’m sure he felt awful at the time, however accidents do happen. Even when you’re watching your kids like a hawk they still fall over and bump into things.

Cant wrap them in cotton wool forever.

Everybody else has told you it was just an accident, so I won’t repeat it. I will say, however, that you seem to be quite focused on the visual damage to her face, you talk about her not having lost friends because of it. Of course, that’s great, but I wonder why you think it would cause her to lose friends? I don’t want this to sound judgmental because it’s not intended to be, but it comes across to me that you’re quite hung up on the damage it’s done to your DD‘s looks, and I wonder if that’s what’s at the bottom of your resentment towards your DH, that he’s allowed the spoiling of your perfect DD’s looks and that has somehow tapped into an insecurity you have about yourself?

This is really helping, yes we are using bio oil and massaging it in, she doesn't like me doing it as she wants to forget about it, I have to remind her which just adds to the list of nagging in a morning Hshe has one big sister and one little and I just feel they are perfect. I think deep down I suffered facial deformity from an accident at home which basically was my parents fault, (think over chastisement) I broke my jaw badly. I had to wait until I was 17 and had stopped growing for reconstruction as the bones particularly my chin bone had completely shattered. I grew up feeling a 'freak' I know that's horrible but the best way I can describe it and the worse thing was both my sisters were exceptionally beautiful!

I think its unfair to still blame him, unless this is a pattern of carelessness.
I would have expected to be able to take your eyes off a 6 year old and to get on with things nearby.

Unreasonable or not, resentments like this can happen - you're only human!

You say it might be affecting how you interact with your partner two years on - that's a big deal! From my own experience, I recommend talking about this with your partner. NOT to confront or blame, but in a way where you take accountability for your own feelings and explain what's going on in your head. Maybe getting some reassurance (that your partner really does care about your DD's safety, and cares a lot about what happened) will make you feel a bit more trusting about it.

I know it's not always easy to talk like this, but it's helped me in the past where "trying to get over myself" hasn't.

I don't know if I could forgive my partner if they held these feelings towards me after an accident.

I do understand your point of view, but how would you feel if something happened to your DC in your care and your partner not only didn't forgive you, but didn't even tell you that they felt that way and instead subjected you to misplaced and passive aggressive treatment for the rest of your relationship.

It's really awful that that happened to your DC I think it's complicated as you are entitled to your feelings, but the facts are, what has happened can't be changed, and your partner will be feeling his own guilt and feelings too.

You either need to work through these feelings together and if you genuinely can't forgive him then surely the only logical option left is to let him go?

It might sound dramatic but as said, I can't imagine anything more painful than feeling responsible for your DC's pain and having that doubled down upon by your partner.

I think you know YABU

A 6 year old doesn’t need constant supervision in the garden. You knew your DH was doing DIY - if you wanted 100% supervision then would it have harmed the baby to wait for a bath?!

We actually took our kids to something called a ‘junkyard playground’ for ages 6+ in NYC when they were about 7/8. It’s a fascinating concept- no adults allowed (apart from people who work there) but kids are all allowed to play with bits of junk/metal/rubble/nails/hammers/ saws!! It’s important that they build up risk awareness skills. The idea being that kids confront and conquer risks alone. They are losing this skill in our risk averse world.

Anyway- it was an unfortunate accident please don’t blame your DH.

It's really coming through how much this scar is bothering you. You really need to be careful you don't give your DD a complex about it. She isn't any less beautiful. She isn't any less "perfect". She is deformed. She has a scar. That's it. Don't make that a bigger thing than it is.

Please use sun cream religiously for two years also. It should really help.

*she ISNT deformed.

Oops.

If this was the other way around and you had been watching her when she was hurt and your husband was still angry and couldn't let it go. 100% it would be 'ltb hes abusive'

What you're doing is going to ruin your marriage.

if I had seen her on the play equipment with jagged stick in hand I would have stopped her,

Did he see her then & let her carry on?

Age 6y most people would feel completely fine to let their child play unsupervised in a fastened off garden.

You do know at school that the children are playing outside without 1:1 supervision too? We have 180 children outside with 3 or 4 adult supervising. Each child isn't watching constantly whilst,playing.

Accidents happen.
They can happen to absolutely anyone.

This happened 3 years ago and you're still harbouring resentment? That is abusive. So you can guarantee for the rest of your children's childhood they will never, ever have a accident under your watch? Brave words!

💐OP. My DH tore half his face off by running head first into a barbed wire fence when he was 4. His scars were visible up to late teens but you can't see anything now. Looking at photos of him when he was in his 20s it's barely noticeable. It didn't affect him one jot!

Can only echo what everyone else here said.

And also, please leave off your DD about the scar. Please don't make her think the scar is important - it sounds like she doesn't think it is, which is great. Her worth is not in having a totally perfect face.

She's only 8, she, like all girls sadly, has a world of bullshit coming towards her in adolescence telling her she should be flawless and she doesn't have any worth otherwise; the best thing you can do for her is drop the resentment to DH, drop the fussing about her scar and support her self worth.

I don't agree that it was an accident. He was negligent.

My son has a scar on his forehead. DS was 'playing' with a metal pole with this other kid. The inevitable happened and the metal pole whacked DS on the forehead. So he still has a (albeit small) scar two years later. Bottom line is that DH should have removed the metal pole!!!!!

I hate this mentality that it's 'just an accident'. It's not! It could have ben avoided!

It could have been if op didn't leave her DD with someone who was busy.

And the DD was 6. In the garden. I didn't watch my DC when they were 6 in the garden every second.

I think that it's normal to think "what if" about these sorts of things, and your husband's general apathetic attitude towards looking after the children is contributing to your feelings here.

On the other hand accidents do happen. Children need to take risks and make mistakes. If they are constantly watched their entire childhood they will end up with worse problems when they are adults.

There's probably too much emphasis on looking perfect here too. Let's face it it's only your own children who look perfect. Everyone else's just look like normal people! Would this scar bother you on someone else's child?

Our garden isn't secure so we can't leave our DC out to play alone yet. My 4yo could definitely injure herself in a heartbeat while I was watching the 2yo. You can never have eyes on them for every second (and nor should you at 6yo).

It could have been if op didn't leave her DD with someone who was busy.

Maybe he could have stopped for a moment?

Maybe the op could have waited until he was finished?