To still blame DH for daughters injury

[spagettinoodlebrain]

Two years ago, over lockdown my DD6 was playing in the garden after dinner, DH outside doing some diy, I was bathing the baby inside. My DD runs in screaming, blood pouring and has a big gauge in her cheek. The injury is still very visible even after maxofacial surgery this year. It breaks my heart to look at her sometimes and I can't help feeling that if DH had kept an eye on her like I'd asked him to this wouldn't have happened - if I had seen her on the play equipment with jagged stick in hand I would have stopped her, just instinctively. I've never said anything directly to him but I do snap at him more, has anyone been through similar?

It doesn't sound like he was supposed to be watching her. Just that she was outside playing and he happened to be out there too doing whatever he was doing.

YABU. 2 years? Jesus. And I hope you don’t pass your repulsion at her scarring onto your DD.

Sad you have put that she is ‘still popular.’ What a crappy world we live in if we are popular or not based on whether we have a scar on our face.

Ah well this explains a lot. Your daughter's accident would have been difficult for any parent but because of your past it's probably been amplified somewhat. I think these are feelings that really do need to be discussed with a councellor.

YABU, accidents happen and they can happen on anybody's watch.

My DS fell over in the safety of our own living room and smacked his face on a toy which has left a permanent scar.

If not closely supervising a 6 year old playing in the garden is negligent, I suspect there are millions of negligent parents around.
At 6 I was happy for mine to play in the garden while I pottered around inside, checking on them occasionally. I’ll even sit reading a book outside while my 3 year old plays, so not constant supervision. They aren’t supervised closely at school at 6.

Oh bless Op, that was a terrible thing to happen to you, and no wonder you’re struggling to come to terms with this.

Your daughter is not you though, and you and her df are not your dps. Have you had any counselling for this? it can really help to speak those feelings.

Maybe switch to making a good sun cream a part of everyone’s daily routine and take the emphasis off your dd’s scar. She’s going to be ok.

Its very upsetting for you and I 100% understand.

The same thing happened one of my children at 6.

Freak accident, with their father a couple of feet away.

My husband was deeply distressed by it for a long time.

26 stitches on their face.

I was definitely sick every time I looked at their gorgeous little face.

I followed the excellent surgeon's advice to gently massage the area every day with any oil or cream to bring blood to the area and aid healing.

There were a large number of witnesses to what occurred and the drama and blood involved was considerable.

Unbelievably the scar is now not noticeable and it doesn't register at all with me as I look at them 15 years later.

It was after 10 years that we noticed that it had disappeared.

Your childs youth at 6, same as mine is a huge factor in this.

I wish to goodness I had believed the surgeon that it would all be ok, it would have saved me fierce upset that I only shared with friends, so as to spare my poor husband, who was upset enough.

I think your husbands general laziness is a factor in all this and I can understand that.

She really will be fine, but rub the spot religiously would be my advice, and forgive yourself for not being able to master bi-location, as I had to! 😁

In the kindest possible way op I think you are projecting a very negative childhood experience onto your daughter and your husband.

I am so sorry you suffered what you did but your dh didn't do this on purpose and scars heal and fade significantly with time.

I wonder if it would be helpful to arrange some therapy to help you deal with what happened to you and to put this into perspective.

scarwork.uk/find-a-therapist/

You can find a specialist therapist to help with the scar.

YABU.

Accidents happen. This could have happened in your care too. Kids are fast and quick and these things happen. You cannot wrap them up in cotton wool especially at 6c kids have been playing unsupervised in the garden (fully enclosed so can't get out) since about 4 or younger. Don't blame your husband please.

Agree that therapy would really help you since you were traumatised at a young age from an accident.

With your update there’s obviously a lot of emotional baggage. I’d definitely look at some counselling.

It's so, so easy to be high and mighty and declare how you would hate or leave someone if an accident happened.

On my daughter's 4th birthday, we had a party with all the little ones (cousins etc) including my 2 year old son. He was standing next to me on the sofa and jumped off as he had done 1000 times before. This time he jumped off and broke his leg. He had jumped from an 18 inch height for goodness sake. And he broke his leg!

It was a horrible freak accident. I was right next to him, I watched him jump and had told him to be careful. What kind of parent doesn't let an excited toddler jump from a small height onto a carpeted floor with a bunch of cushions strewn around for added safety? In the same way, what kind of parent wouldn't let a child play in the garden, or pick up a stick?

Do you think either me or my partner felt like blaming each other for that? No. Of course you have to be cautious but even us anxious and overly cautious parents have moments where we get too comfortable or used to something, or are feeling off or distracted that day, or have a lapse in judgement.

An accident could happen to absolutely anyone. We all take risks and we all do our best to minimise them. Funny how on the thread where a much more tragic disaster has taken place, people can compartmentalise and know it's awful to blame the parents for such a tragedy. Yet in this much less severe situation it's somehow more justifiable to condemn any parent who's child has had an accident?

Makes no bloody sense. It could happen to you, and until it does, don't tell other people how "unforgivable" their actions are.

Sorry @Abraxan I hope it's clear my post is aimed at @Bestcatmum and not you!

He was doing DIY, unless he had psychic powers how would he know to “stop for a moment” at the exact moment proceeding this accident in order to stop it. Your post makes no sense.

There's no evidence that bio oil does anything for scars. NHS guidance explicitly states this.

Silicone gel does have an evidence base and is recommended by NHS. You can buy it in Superdrug, it's readily available.

I'm really grateful to you all sharing your experiences, it's been therapeutic and I feel so much more confident about her little face! She's such an awesome kid and I would hate her to feel like I did. My own childhood was very difficult and I think I wanted theirs to be perfect, like the childhood I had hoped for! I realise now it's just going to take time to fade and that's ok, if anyone could look good and feel great with a scar it's her, she's rocking a Wednesday vibe at the minute 😂

It depends on the circumstances and how he behaved afterwards and what he said.

when my son was 2 weeks old and I had suffered the most horrific birth my son my ex took him from me and told me he was going to take him for me to have a rest and sat on the bed.

about 10 minutes later my previously fast asleep baby was dropped on the head - and let out a blood curdling scream I ran up the stairs
my then DH had him in his arms and claimed initially he had just woken up (the baby) and denied he had screamed his head off and told me I must be so sleep deprived I had imagined it - I could feel the bump on my baby’s head
he then admitted he had fallen asleep (this was a man who did no feeds or nappy changes ever) and dropped him

he then blamed me and said if I had been a proper mother and looked after my son 24/7 it would never have happened it was all my fault and of course it was my fault he lied die to my reaction expected he had lied etc oh dear god the gas lighting ….

so for me his reaction then at the time and after might explain how you feel.

my ex was an abusive twat - if he had said he was watching her - he should of been - but accidents do happen I feel off the sofa as a child and cracked my head open. Acknowledging it and your responsibility is key.

Please don’t think your daughter is damaged or not perfect or beautiful she is -

Oh bullocks, get a grip. Accidents sadly happen, it’s awful especially with children.
You sound delightful.
Im glad you’re so perfect.

Ps my daughter had surgery (big one due to a face mark) on her face in year 7 and it has completed faded - we used silicone gel and high spf for 12 months and plenty of vitamin and therapy for scars and the two cm scar across her nose has vanished

I had an accident as a toddler which was arguably my dad’s “fault” as I was with him at the time. The accident led to facial scarring although it could quite easily have left me blind. I was doing an activity that my parents and I love and daughter has started doing. I wouldn’t make the same choices with DD as he did, but I also don’t blame him at all (someone else caused the accident). They said from fairly early on that they would pay for surgery when I got to 16, however when the time came I declined it, I’d lived with it for 14 years and it is part of my face. I don’t remember a time when it wasn’t there (the accident is my earliest memory). I don’t blame my parents at all, and to be honest only two people have ever commented on it, a friend with a near identical scar and my husband, who asked how I got it when we first met.

YABU and if you can't let it go you need to seek therapy to help you. It will do your marraige no good otherwise. Assuming he is generally a good and responsible parent.

I also think you need to chill out re the scar. It will not be great for your daughter's confidence that you are obsessing about oil and getting tearful and angry every time you look at it. Regardless of why, it is part of your daughter now and it sounds like she just wants to get on with things. Don't make this something she is selfconcious about.

My DD had an accident right in front of me, and she still has quite a noticeable scar. I'd hate to think my DH blames me. I was 100% watching her, I watched her fall, but still couldn't stop it. She was only 3, your DD was 6, they don't need watching much at that age. But even when you do, accidents will still happen.