To split from 'D' H because

[Livingwithcrap]

He just won't do his share of chores and won't listen to me when I try to talk to him about it?

Eg Asked him to bring the bins in last night (I always put them out and bring them in) and to clean the kitchen bin because it was skanky at the bottom. He said yes but he hasn't done it.

This happens all the time with general chores

Well if it’s indicative of a general level of disrespect in the relationship, possibly. There are other ways to handle it though that don’t include splitting eg every time he doesn’t do his share, don’t cook for him or do his laundry.

You realise that if you split you will be doing everything alone, right?

Honestly I’m biased because I’m happily single after being with someone who didn’t pull his weight but I couldn’t go back. I don’t want to pick up after another adult ever again.

It just shows a fundamental lack of respect. Also there was that recent study showing that being with a manchild kills your sex drive. If your picking up after a man like you’re his mum, it just kills the feelings.

Sad thing is he’d quickly start doing that shit if you left.

Of course that's a good reason. Why should you waste your life with a lazy manchild? Yes, you'd be doing everything alone - but you wouldn't be picking up his crap, only your own. As has been said, it's about a fundamental lack of respect and that's a marriage killer.

It depends on what the rest of the marriage is like what other chores he does. I always cook, do all of the planning, gifts, looking after DS (all bedtimes) & work f/t and in exchange I never clean/ do washing up / bins. But if you listen to DH it’s like he does everything.

Who does laundry in your house? because I would say you still do the lions share of the chores. If you’re happy with that then I guess that’s all that matters.

I know that if we split I would be doing it all but I do anyway. I don't do his washing anymore- I stopped because he wouldn't do anything else.

And yes it has killed my sex drive

Does he understand how strongly you feel over this, i.e you're so cross about it you're considering leaving him. Sounds like a conversation/ ultimatum needs to be made.

My ex was lazy and never did the things he said he would do. It was a major factor in the ending of our relationship.

Have you told him you're thinking of splitting due to this? Maybe that will kick his arse into gear and if it doesn't you have your answer on what to do

I have told him this yes and he still does it. He is completely unaware of it all. He truly believes that I am unreasonable and nagging. It's like he doesn't get it.

Honestly I’m biased because I’m happily single after being with someone who didn’t pull his weight but I couldn’t go back. I don’t want to pick up after another adult ever again

Before we married my ex managed to do his laundry, ironing, cleaning and shopping and remember to take stuff to the dry cleaners. Exchange of wedding vows rendered him incapable of even putting the butter back in the fridge or cleaning crumbs off the worktop. I came to the same conclusion, that it's a fundamental lack of respect for me and my time and that deep down, he regarded all these as my jobs because his time was too important to spend on them. Like you, never picking up after anyone ever again.

He does. I refuse to do it any more

So your solution is to be the house elf then? Because you have to do the household chores anyway?

without him OP won’t be doing anything for him and he’ll be having to do the absolute bare minimum to take care of himself and his household unless he finds (a woman) someone else to outsource it to for free.

OP you can leave a relationship anytime. He sounds like hard work, and I’d be looking for an out too.

Do you have children?

OK, so you've stopped doing his laundry, so you'd need to take it further if you want to continue in this way ?

Stop doing anything at all for him.

No shopping (only buy stuff you like and he doesn't)
No cooking (only cook for yourself
No cleaning (But you'll have to grit your teeth and bear it for a while)
No washing dishes (keep a plate,bowl,cutlery etc hidden for your sole use)

Basically tell him that from now on, you're going to do exactly as much housework etc as he does !

It could turn into a huge battle of wills though ?

Alternatively, cut to the chase and tell him it's over and you want a divorce.
Quicker, less stressful in the long run, and where you're headed anyway.

He's one of those men who thinks he's above doing any 'drudge' work, but he doesn't think you're above doing it. He's decided he'll accept being nagged rather than lower himself. What was his upbringing like?

It’s a contributing factor to our separation. I’m fed up of him walking through the front door and immediately kicking off his shoes (that I unusually trip over) and dropping is trousers on the floor and leaving them there.

whatever tasks mine does he does them badly usually also. It’s a pain. So for me YANBU. Nothing more demoralising than a man child.

It is a fair reason. He feels superior to you and entitled to have you do the drudge work as @TheCallOfTheMild said. And he feels entitled to ignore you when you express an alternative view on things. He doesn't respect you or take you seriously. Sorry you find yourself in this position.

Honestly there was a point in my life where I was waking at 4am feeding the baby cleaning up after her dad (despite leaving a clean house before bed) when he left after an argument I dragged myself downstairs at 4am to clean and...nothing there was nothing no dirty dishes no shoes left on the floor no cables no dirt no food no sweet wrappers stuffed into the sofa cushions nothing

I went back to bed and when he came over a few days later to beg forgiveness and ask to come home I said oh god no thats not happening 😂

Yes we have two DCs 14 & 15

So the shopping I do is for essentials. I cook for me and the kids and he gets something later.
I haven't cleaned for ages and I thought I was going to explode so got a cleaner in. We have a dishwasher so stuff goes in there.
He does not get it

His mum did everything. His mum does everything for her husband (his dad) although his dad cooks and shops actually. She tells him what clothes to buy and packs for him if they're going on holiday. He drives her about

years and years ago i had a partner that was the same in the end he became so lazy i felt like his mum doing every thing for him he was the worst man child i have ever seen it was bad the list is long so i packed his things well clutter rang his mum to come get him end of that . i love being single now

There is nothing you can do about this man, literally nothing. His habits are set and he doesn’t care. When you speak about this, all he hears is minor irritation and just waits for it to pass so he can continue doing his thing.
If you leave him, you’ll still be doing everything but you won’t have to cope with the bitterness or doing things for someone else. If you stay because it’s more convenient, you’ll need to make peace with this inequity so it doesn’t eat away at you.