Page 6 | To split from 'D' H because

Livingwithcrap · 2022-12-16T08:59:03+00:00

He just won't do his share of chores and won't listen to me when I try to talk to him about it? Eg Asked him to bring the bins in last night (I always put them out and bring them in) and to clean the kitchen bin because it was skanky at the bottom. He said yes but he hasn't done it. This happens all the time with general chores

LexMitior · 16/12/2022 18:45

@Bestcatmum - in awe of you.

I too got a divorce due to behaviour like this. Could not bear it, full time work, children and all the mental load. It was like being chained up mentally

Moraxella · 16/12/2022 19:26

Life is far too short to live like this, the resentment will build. If you can afford it, leave and be happy

billy1966 · 16/12/2022 19:32

OP, you settle for him when you were vulnerable.

You know better now.

He's a lazy selfish loser.

You deserve better.

Confusion101 · 16/12/2022 19:35

I know this is very primary school but seeing as your DC are old enough it could work for u. I k ow of a family who listed all the jobs they would like done weekly in the house and then made a rota. So each week someone had a job, it meant one week you could have something easy like feed the dog and the next week could be harder like clean the bathroom or take out the bins. If somebody didn't do it then it was clearly obvious who wasn't pulling their weight and the whole family got on to them. Your DC are old enough to contribute to household responsibilities now!

GerbilsForever24 · 17/12/2022 08:16

I am back to this thread having caught up. I think the people who have said their partners just don't think it's a big deal, are so right. Dh used to be a but like this. But its changed such a lot. This week he's been stressed and running around organising Christmas presents for his family. 10 years ago, he would absolutely have refused to think about it, told.me I was making a.mountain out of a mole hill etc. Now he's constantly telling me how grateful he is because he knows I do all the dc stuff and all the overall organising.

Truthfly, I think his life is a lot harder than it was a few years ago. Mine is easier. I admire dh for accepting and making the changes he has needed to make.

My point is it is doable. But most men don't want to because then their lives are less good.

ohioriver · 17/12/2022 08:35

I didn't live with my ex before we were married.

I didn't know what he was like.

Left him because he did this. Tried to make it work but he would stand in front of me and tell me he would do whatever and a week later it wouldn't be done. And I couldn't say anything because that was nagging.

I would never be with someone who wouldnt pull their weight.

In my case, he lived at home with parents until he got married (to me) - his mother did everything and then I did and he's now remarried and she's lifting and laying him.

Alice786 · 17/12/2022 11:59

I don't think he will change, also I think upbringing has alot to do with it too as you mentioned about his parents. I think either you put up with it or split up. It's not an excuse but it's not always personal some men are traditional and they think women should do the cooking and cleaning but in those days women didn't go out to work and men had to be the sole breadwinner so it sort of balanced it out but ultimately only you can decide if you and the children will be better off without him emotionally and financially...

FOJN · 17/12/2022 12:04

Pismascrescents · 16/12/2022 09:04

Well if it’s indicative of a general level of disrespect in the relationship, possibly. There are other ways to handle it though that don’t include splitting eg every time he doesn’t do his share, don’t cook for him or do his laundry.

You realise that if you split you will be doing everything alone, right?

Living alone and doing everything yourself is a lot less work than picking up after a lazy arse, they tend to make more mess because they know they won't be cleaning it up.

Stompythedinosaur · 17/12/2022 12:27

Not unreasonable at all!

It isn't about the chores, it is about selfishness and lack of respect or love.

Original poster

Livingwithcrap · 17/12/2022 14:13

GerbilsForever24 · 17/12/2022 08:16

I am back to this thread having caught up. I think the people who have said their partners just don't think it's a big deal, are so right. Dh used to be a but like this. But its changed such a lot. This week he's been stressed and running around organising Christmas presents for his family. 10 years ago, he would absolutely have refused to think about it, told.me I was making a.mountain out of a mole hill etc. Now he's constantly telling me how grateful he is because he knows I do all the dc stuff and all the overall organising.

Truthfly, I think his life is a lot harder than it was a few years ago. Mine is easier. I admire dh for accepting and making the changes he has needed to make.

My point is it is doable. But most men don't want to because then their lives are less good.

What made your DH change?

OP posts:

GerbilsForever24 · 17/12/2022 15:46

Basically, he's just not a bad or lazy person. So he might have been conditioned to think these are minor issues and women's jobs but everything I was upset and irritated and we talked about it and over time he just accepted that it wasn't fair. First step was accepting that all these chores I was doing did need doing and did take time. Then that it wasn't my responsibility.

I am afraid though that after this long, it seems unlikely you will get him to change.

Original poster

Livingwithcrap · 17/12/2022 16:01

GerbilsForever24 · 17/12/2022 15:46

Basically, he's just not a bad or lazy person. So he might have been conditioned to think these are minor issues and women's jobs but everything I was upset and irritated and we talked about it and over time he just accepted that it wasn't fair. First step was accepting that all these chores I was doing did need doing and did take time. Then that it wasn't my responsibility.

I am afraid though that after this long, it seems unlikely you will get him to change.

That's great good on him. Sadly I think you're right about my husband though. I've told him how upset it makes me and he said it makes him feel sad however I think it's unlikely that he will change

OP posts:

GerbilsForever24 · 18/12/2022 10:32

It makes him "sad". Wow, that's even worse. So he claims to understand and emphathise with how you feel but still isn't interested in doing anything about it?

In the second year of Covid when rules were relaxing but not completely gone, for DD's birthday, we arranged for just a couple of children to meet in the park after school. From memory it was skirting the edge of what was okay at the time. Obviously, it was complicated because I wanted to take some drinks and snacks and discuss the details with families at a time when it was more complicated by the rules etc. All fine. To keep numbers down, DH wasn't coming. He was looking forward to a quiet afternoon. On the day, I realised I'd forgotten something at home and I rang him to ask him to bring it. He had this moment of irritation, "but why must I disturb my lovely quiet afternoon this is so unfair" but I had to laugh because it lasted about 2 seconds and then even down the phone I could basically "see" him realising, "Oh shit, she's done EVERYTHING and this is one, 10 minute job and I'm being such a dick about it".

I do believe there's a strong societal pressure to make it so that men don't think it's their problem to deal with the difficult or complicated domestic situations. But good ones get over it.

CuriousMama · 18/12/2022 10:50

@Livingwithcrap why are you doing Christmas shopping for Mil and DM? Are they frail or disabled?

You really do sound as if you're still vulnerable. Hopefully you'll get some strength and start saying no.

You won't regret leaving H. I was married to a minger but that was the least of our problems. I met amazing Dh at 40 and he's perfect for me. But I'd rather have been single than with ex. We do get on well as friends but he's living in his own shit now.

OnaBegonia · 18/12/2022 10:50

You're what 15/16 years in? he's been allowed to be a lazy arsehole all this time, I doubt he'll change.
I hope you're not doing everything for your teenagers too, train them up and don't allow them to be useless like their dad.
Personally, I'd put HIM out with the bins.

Original poster

Livingwithcrap · 18/12/2022 12:16

GerbilsForever24 · 18/12/2022 10:32

It makes him "sad". Wow, that's even worse. So he claims to understand and emphathise with how you feel but still isn't interested in doing anything about it?

In the second year of Covid when rules were relaxing but not completely gone, for DD's birthday, we arranged for just a couple of children to meet in the park after school. From memory it was skirting the edge of what was okay at the time. Obviously, it was complicated because I wanted to take some drinks and snacks and discuss the details with families at a time when it was more complicated by the rules etc. All fine. To keep numbers down, DH wasn't coming. He was looking forward to a quiet afternoon. On the day, I realised I'd forgotten something at home and I rang him to ask him to bring it. He had this moment of irritation, "but why must I disturb my lovely quiet afternoon this is so unfair" but I had to laugh because it lasted about 2 seconds and then even down the phone I could basically "see" him realising, "Oh shit, she's done EVERYTHING and this is one, 10 minute job and I'm being such a dick about it".

I do believe there's a strong societal pressure to make it so that men don't think it's their problem to deal with the difficult or complicated domestic situations. But good ones get over it.

Not sure if he can empathise tbh and it makes him 'sad' but he doesn't actually manage to do what's needed. So yesterday he hoovered the kids rooms - didn't move anything so hoovered around. He then left the hoover at the top of the stairs and I asked him to move it so he moved it downstairs and it's been sat in the dining room for nearly 24 hours.
It just makes me crazy because he doesn't finish anything but if I ask him why he comes out with all sorts of excuses or comments such as 'I was going to do it in a minute' which is his favourite.

OP posts:

Original poster

Livingwithcrap · 18/12/2022 12:19

OnaBegonia · 18/12/2022 10:50

You're what 15/16 years in? he's been allowed to be a lazy arsehole all this time, I doubt he'll change.
I hope you're not doing everything for your teenagers too, train them up and don't allow them to be useless like their dad.
Personally, I'd put HIM out with the bins.

I don't think I'd really been aware until the last few years....
I was brought up in a house where my DM did everything and adored my lazy ungrateful dad so my view on life is rather skewed I think. I feel so desperate with it all now.

OP posts:

OnaBegonia · 18/12/2022 14:06

@Livingwithcrap
Be honest, can you write what the advantages are to being married to him? If it's purely financial, don't make that a reason to stay with a lazy selfish man

OhamIreally · 19/12/2022 09:22

For those who say you end up doing everything, this is far from true if you are carrying a lazy entitled husband.

Imagine this scenario: you clean up a dirty messy kitchen, load the dishwasher and switch it on. The kitchen is pristine. You go out, return to a dirty messy kitchen and the fridge half empty of the food shopping you did the other day. The ingredients for the dinner you were planning are gone.

Now imagine you have cleaned up the kitchen. You go out. You return home to a pristine kitchen.

It's joyful 😀

Original poster

Livingwithcrap · 19/12/2022 10:02

OhamIreally · 19/12/2022 09:22

For those who say you end up doing everything, this is far from true if you are carrying a lazy entitled husband.

Imagine this scenario: you clean up a dirty messy kitchen, load the dishwasher and switch it on. The kitchen is pristine. You go out, return to a dirty messy kitchen and the fridge half empty of the food shopping you did the other day. The ingredients for the dinner you were planning are gone.

Now imagine you have cleaned up the kitchen. You go out. You return home to a pristine kitchen.

It's joyful 😀

Oh yes sounds amazing. I'm scared of being lonely that's my whole fear if I'm not with him

OP posts:

OhamIreally · 19/12/2022 12:35

It can be lonely OP. My ex left me so the decision wasn't mine and it's very hard to go from a "we" to an "I".

Being lonely isn't as bad as burning with resentment towards the person you are with though and who is making you miserable.

My ex did me a massive favour.

Stressedmum2017 · 19/12/2022 12:46

I'm single and there is no way I would change that for a relationship like yours.
And I wouldn't be playing any stupid games or making me and my kids live in a shithole whilst I go on strike for him to change for all of 2 weeks.

holrosea · 19/12/2022 12:54

I am single and live alone, I confirm that I have moments when I feel lonely - but this does NOT make me unhappy.

When I feel lonely, it can make me sad but then I remind myself that I have close family and good friends, and I make a call or try to set up a plan to give myself something to look forward to. It is always a passing feeling, I don't think about it daily/weekly/monthly.

A PP also said "imagine having a pristine kitchen and coming back to a prisitine kitchen". I also love this feeling - I love when I have done a proper clean and the house smells nice, and I walk back in in the evening and the place is clean and smells nice. It's heaven.

Pumpmonkey · 19/12/2022 13:00

Honestly I’m biased because I’m happily single after being with someone who didn’t pull his weight but I couldn’t go back. I don’t want to pick up after another adult ever again.

It just shows a fundamental lack of respect. Also there was that recent study showing that being with a manchild kills your sex drive. If your picking up after a man like you’re his mum, it just kills the feelings.

Sad thing is he’d quickly start doing that shit if you left.

This is me too. Im now with someone who does all of his share without being asked and who takes the time to make me feel like I’m a pn amazing woman who he treasures and is proud of (something else my ex never did).

I’d say leave. Its not the easy option, by any means…it took me a good 2 years to get back on track, but when I think about the possibility I might have stuck in that relationship for the rest of my days it makes me shudder. What a waste of a life.