To split from 'D' H because

[Livingwithcrap]

He just won't do his share of chores and won't listen to me when I try to talk to him about it?

Eg Asked him to bring the bins in last night (I always put them out and bring them in) and to clean the kitchen bin because it was skanky at the bottom. He said yes but he hasn't done it.

This happens all the time with general chores

What’s your share of the chores other than shopping for essentials? You have a cleaner, a dishwasher and the kids are old enough to stick their own washing on and cook themselves a meal.

www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288 - email him this. Hopefully he'll get the message. ;)

Is this a serious question? There are far more things that need to be done as well as cleaning, washing dishes and cooking.
Off the top of my head - mental planning, emotional support to kids, tidying, noticing when things run out and replacing. Day to day cleaning such as cleaning up a spill, wiping the hob, cleaning washing machine, microwave, fridge. Replacing broken things - cooker's broken. Washing machine has broken so I have called someone out. Cleaning his shit from the toilet bowl when he's been, helping kids with homework, Wiping surfaces, Taking bins out. Cleaning the car. Putting things back when used. Emptying the dishwasher, loading the dishwasher

As I say...off the top of my head. There's lots more.

I separated with my son’s Dad mainly because of this. You’d have to do all the chores yourself anyway, sure, but you wouldn’t be stuck with all the resentment and frustration. It really can make life absolutely miserable! You either live in an absolute hovel, angry at DH for the conditions. Or you clean up after him and feel like an absolute mug, which also makes you angry.

In my case it turned out ex had ADHD which seems to be a pretty common cause of this on MN, so maybe look into that if the marriage is otherwise good? He might just be a lazy entitled sod though obviously.

Sorry that was responding to @mum11970

Thanks. I've suggested ADHD but he's not willing to look into it.

That's exactly it! Nail on head

How many hours do you both work? I

I work part-time, DH full-time and has a longer commute, so I'm more than happy to do literally everything as I have a lot more time, and in turn that gives us quality time together. Having said this, every now and again he'll turn to me and tell me he appreciates what we have together, what I put into the relationship in terms of looking after house and most evenings I have a meal cooking when he returns. There's a difference, I don't feel like a doormat.

YANBU to split for any reason. If you don't want to be with him then you don't want to be with him

My ex was like this - slowly over time it killed any desire I had for him. I was too exhausted with a young family, working full time high pressure job and he would just sit on his arse after work, watching me work myself to the ground. Many times I would ask, plead or scream for help. It never got better.

My now partner does all of it without asking when he stays at mine (I obviously do the same for him!) He does it and never requires a medal like my ex as well. I've said jokingly to him plenty of times - you know what is the hottest sight for me - seeing a man empty the dishwasher. The first time I said it I had to explain what I meant.

OP it doesn't have to be this way.

We're both full-time although I have to work a lot more than that because of a massive piece of work I have to complete, although this is temporary. So I get up at 5.30 and empty the dishwasher and tidy then I start work stopping to do house stuff/life admin. I then make tea for the kids and me and get back to my work until 8pm at night.

FWIW I have had two very domesticated exes. I never lived with the first one but he had lived alone a long time and cooked, cleaned, hoovered, took bins out, did washing, ironed, etc., so men are clearly very capable of domestic chores.

The second ex had lived in a blended family with his ex's children and their shared child, alone for a bit, and then when the pandemic forced us into a sort of live-in situation, he continued to cook, clean, wash up, hoover, iron, etc., to the point where I felt a bit guilty, like a bad house guest.

I know it was not a marriage, but I'd go to wash up after dinner and he'd say "no, I'll sort it, I know where things go".

The only reason that your "D"H is not doing chores is because he Can't Be Arsed and thinks you'll just pick up the slack. I personally would not handle this level of complacency.

PS. Also look out for weaponised incompetence; he might "try" to do more if you really have a go at him, but do it so badly that you end up sorting it out anyway.

I listened to something on Women’s Hour the other week on this, including a (now) enlightened man who has written a book following his wife leaving him and getting divorced.

Aren’t 75% of divorces now instigated by women? The author basically said he wished he had realised sooner than the small things are symbolic of a lack of respect or caring, and not listening to someone is to invalidate their feelings. Even if X doesn’t upset you, they are allowed to feel upset because they are and it’s often minimised as nagging or ‘don’t worry about it’. He also said his wife had lots of conversations with him which he took as criticism (like a lot of men I think), whereas he said it could have been an opportunity for feedback and to improvement their relationship - but he never took it.

Maybe the book should be a Christmas present for your lazy arse DP.

Yanbu he doesn’t care how you feel about it

He doesn't care. He probably doesn't believe you're actually leave and if you did his life wouldn't change as his mum will takeover and do it all.

@Dulcetto Any ideas on the title or author of that book? Sounds worth a read.

I was with a man like this. Wouldn't do anything around the house and would yell whenever I insisted he do his bit. We both worked full time but he would say things like 'I help you with the housework' and 'I help you with the shopping'. I left him in the end. Best decision I ever made. I am single and he is married now but I don't regret it at all. I just feel sorry for her and sad that women are socialised to accept so little, a man like him can get a wife.

My husband works solely in the home, so he does do most jobs. I still cook because I enjoy it, and we have a cleaner. Of course I also manage all holiday plans, bill payments, gifts and anything else that requires admin skills. But he has decorated for Christmas, does all the washing, done huge amounts of DIY, helped my mum move house, cleaned up the garden as requested, does bins, all homework supervision and school projects. When we both worked, it was a fucking nightmare as he did nothing. Men are weird, it's like they have to have all the time in the world to do a perfect job or they just won't even bother.

Wow those exes sound great. Is weaponised incompetence really a thing? I struggle to get my head around that. You'd have to be a really nasty piece of work to do that I think.

Did he ever live as an adult on his own?

Ditto. What's the book? I may buy it him

It's because he doesn't value your time. If he were single, he would have to do it or he wouldn't eat, wear clean clothing, have clean crockery and silverware. He would have to mind his own children and look after them.

Whether this is learnt behaviour from his parents or not. He is an adult and he has refused to act like one. You must feel like his mother.

I, like many women, find a man acting like an adult sorting stuff out at home, cooking, emptying the dishwasher, parenting his children hot. There is nothing worse than a man who acts like a child.

You will probably find that you have less to do and you will certainly be less resentful if you split up.

It's shocking how men can regress though. They cope when they're single, but when they have a partner... boom, back to manbaby.

Actually my late husband was properly domesticated until the kids came along - then he gradually did less and less 'because he was so tired from work'. I also worked full time and had the longer commute, but hey. He also claimed to do half and said that doing the weekly food shop did not count as house work because it was an outing for me. Riiiiiiight.

@JeanBodel

This Is How Your Marriage Ends: A Hopeful Approach to Saving Relationships by Matthew Fray.

Yes he did but I never saw him in action, I never went round to his flat.
Big mistake I know