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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To split from 'D' H because

149 replies

Livingwithcrap · 16/12/2022 08:59

He just won't do his share of chores and won't listen to me when I try to talk to him about it?

Eg Asked him to bring the bins in last night (I always put them out and bring them in) and to clean the kitchen bin because it was skanky at the bottom. He said yes but he hasn't done it.

This happens all the time with general chores

OP posts:
DunkingMyDonuts · 16/12/2022 13:11

Badger1970 · 16/12/2022 12:25

When our DC moved out, DH thought he'd be King again and have me running round as his skivvy.

I think he's a bit disappointed that I no longer get away with anything for fear of arguing in front of the kids...... and I don't nag, he gets one clear warning that something needs doing and then I shut up. He worked out the other day that he's bought 5 golf caps this year and can't undersand why he keeps losing them ... yes, the idiot hasn't realised that I bin them if they're left just inside the back door on the worktop.

Brilliant!! Aren't you tempted to tell him that's why he has had to buy 5?
😁

Naunet · 16/12/2022 13:22

You only get one life, it’s beyond me why so many women decide to spend theirs skivvying for lazy, sexist men.

OP, why on earth are you buying gifts on his and his mother’s behalf? If his mum wanted gifts from him, she should have raised him not to be such a selfish prick - not your problem to solve. Equally, tell her to sort her own fucking gifts out, or ask her son, you’re too busy.

Naunet · 16/12/2022 13:27

Oaktree55 · 16/12/2022 12:55

Completely mental reason to split up with someone. Not that you'll hear that on here as there's not a lot of common sense on here! Not everything in a relationship has to be 50:50 perhaps he contributes in other ways. You need to consider the relationship as a whole not break it down into individual areas and insist each is 50:50.

😂 yeah women should think themselves lucky they are disrespected by their God of a male that decided to bless them with their dirty pants.

Why would anyone leave someone who is treating them like a skivvy? Mind boggling isn’t it?!

fedupathome · 16/12/2022 13:43

Mine is like this too and I've had enough and want to leave .
They never change because they don't care enough to.

Our sex life is pretty much non existent as he makes my skin crawl.

We were childhood sweethearts and got married young and I was so young and naive and I thought love was enough.

He treats me like shit in other ways too, but my problem is I have 3 kids and nowhere to go and no family to turn to.

WestwardHo1 · 16/12/2022 14:01

I could shout at my 25 year old self, moving in with my now exH. I was dizzy eyed with romance and started behaving like my mother - took on all the laundry, the shopping, most of the cooking, the cleaning. That's what women in domestic situations did, even if both parties worked, you see. Never mind that my own mother was resentful and bitter and my dad was bone idle round the house. There aren't enough eye rolls in the world.

Yes, 22 years later now he's an exH partly because for him it all instantly became women's work. It was something which just got done without him noticing. If this was pointed out, then it was a case of "Well what do you want me to buy?" in an injured tone. Or he would list the things that he did on a day to day basis that I didn't - things that he did AT WORK!

After we split up, he told me proudly one that he had cleaned the windows of his flat, "inside AND out!" as though that was something which deserved praise. I just wanted to hit him, instead asked him why it never occurred to him to do those things when he lived with me. No answer. Twat.

The infuriating thing is, I now see him out shopping for groceries for his home with his new partner, or hear about the way he spent his weekend on jobs round the home (astonishingly we are still friends and work in the same place 😂). The woman obviously has more sense than I did at 25.

lightand · 16/12/2022 14:01

MsMarch · 16/12/2022 11:19

But why is that relevant? She's been with this guy for, one assumes, close to 20 years as she has teenage children. And throughout that time he's been lazy. So not sure how he behaved before they got together is relevant at all.

Because she will then know what his bottom line of cleanliness, paperwork, laundry and 101 other things really are.

lightand · 16/12/2022 14:02

Was it a pigsty or immaculate?
Did mummy come around and sort things out for him?
etc
did he sponge off people?

2bazookas · 16/12/2022 14:15

Was he like this when you lived together before marriage ?

If so, WTF did you ever marry him? m

Ncgirlseriously · 16/12/2022 14:34

Anothermanicmumday1 · 16/12/2022 13:04

Can you share please I'd be interested in the study. Thank you

I saw it on Reddit and the article talking about it was this one: www.vice.com/en/article/88q3qk/man-child-scientific-term-new-research

liarliarshortsonfire · 16/12/2022 15:35

There's a big difference between doing it all as a single person and doing it all whilst living with a partner. Yes either way you 'do it all' the difference is you don't end up resenting someone and that person showing a completely lack of respect, care and love. Add to that it's also extremely selfish and lazy would have me running for the hills.

At the moment I'm sat on mn in front of the fire, whilst my dh puts the logs away that have just been delivered, because he said it's too cold for me to go outside, one of us might as well be warm.

Livingwithcrap · 16/12/2022 15:38

liarliarshortsonfire · 16/12/2022 15:35

There's a big difference between doing it all as a single person and doing it all whilst living with a partner. Yes either way you 'do it all' the difference is you don't end up resenting someone and that person showing a completely lack of respect, care and love. Add to that it's also extremely selfish and lazy would have me running for the hills.

At the moment I'm sat on mn in front of the fire, whilst my dh puts the logs away that have just been delivered, because he said it's too cold for me to go outside, one of us might as well be warm.

How gorgeous, that would be amazing

OP posts:
Livingwithcrap · 16/12/2022 15:41

2bazookas · 16/12/2022 14:15

Was he like this when you lived together before marriage ?

If so, WTF did you ever marry him? m

I guess none of that is relevant now is it? I can't change the past. Let's just say I was vulnerable and didn't think I deserved any better. Also thought that maybe that was normal ffs

OP posts:
holrosea · 16/12/2022 15:52

Bestcatmum · 16/12/2022 13:09

The laziness of my last husband made my vag seal shut. He left because he wasn't getting enough sex.
He knew this - he decided he would rather just leave than have to debase himself doing any gardening or household chores.
He assumed he'd get half of my house during the divorce, he got nothing. I owned the house outright before I met him.
I was ordered to pay him for the fence that he had just paid to get put up. 1K. That's all he got.
He was livid.
He is now living in his filthy rented bedsit on his own after his last girlfriend left him for living like an animal.

I wish there was a "like" button for stories like these!

fedupathome · 16/12/2022 16:01

Livingwithcrap · 16/12/2022 15:41

I guess none of that is relevant now is it? I can't change the past. Let's just say I was vulnerable and didn't think I deserved any better. Also thought that maybe that was normal ffs

But its not even about living together before marriage as people CHANGE.

I didn't live with my H due to religious and cultural reasons. Does that mean I deserve his shitty behaviour.
You're victim blaming and that's wrong .

I was young and naive and in love and came from an abusive childhood home.

Maybe the OPs husband changed or maybe she didn't live with him. It does NOT make it her fault and that she should have known better!

Life is not black and white.

Now being older I know what I would look for in a partner and what traits make a good father and husband something I didn't know at the time !

fedupathome · 16/12/2022 16:02

Sorry @Livingwithcrap that post was aimed at 2bazookas

Livingwithcrap · 16/12/2022 16:21

fedupathome · 16/12/2022 16:02

Sorry @Livingwithcrap that post was aimed at 2bazookas

Thanks you said it very clearly. I did feel as if it was victim blaming. A kind of 'you've made your bed you've got to live with it'

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 16/12/2022 17:35

Oaktree55 · 16/12/2022 12:55

Completely mental reason to split up with someone. Not that you'll hear that on here as there's not a lot of common sense on here! Not everything in a relationship has to be 50:50 perhaps he contributes in other ways. You need to consider the relationship as a whole not break it down into individual areas and insist each is 50:50.

What is there left for him to do? He doesn't even speak to his own mother!

Choobyscoopy · 16/12/2022 17:54

I feel your pain. My stbx is exactly like this. The only way hes ever contributed has been won through a hard fight (literally screaming at him) and the bits he now does is him 'helping' me apparently because i cant 'cope'.

As soon as i let myself accept that he has zero respect for me or my time its been clear i need to divorce him.
The constant anger and resentment will make you ill..

Livingwithcrap · 16/12/2022 17:58

Choobyscoopy · 16/12/2022 17:54

I feel your pain. My stbx is exactly like this. The only way hes ever contributed has been won through a hard fight (literally screaming at him) and the bits he now does is him 'helping' me apparently because i cant 'cope'.

As soon as i let myself accept that he has zero respect for me or my time its been clear i need to divorce him.
The constant anger and resentment will make you ill..

Did you get on at any level? I think that's where I get confused. If I don't mention anything we get on very well!!! I realise this sounds ridiculous and I can't explain it very well but....

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 16/12/2022 17:58

Pismascrescents · 16/12/2022 09:04

Well if it’s indicative of a general level of disrespect in the relationship, possibly. There are other ways to handle it though that don’t include splitting eg every time he doesn’t do his share, don’t cook for him or do his laundry.

You realise that if you split you will be doing everything alone, right?

Of course, but doing everything without the resentment that another fully grown adult is refusing to pull their weight is infinitely better than doing everything for someone who should be doing half and seething about the unfairness.

If you are doing everything what on earth is the point of cohabiting?

I think it’s totally reasonable for you to decide you weren’t put on the earth to be a support human for an able bodied adult man.

Choobyscoopy · 16/12/2022 18:25

Yes, we got on very well at times and were a freakin perfect family on the outside. Hes so generous, attentive and helpful in so many other ways. But now i can see that it was just a type of manipulation to keep me behaving in the ways he'd want me to. For example if he did a 'major ' tidy up ie put dishes away, vacuum and do a load of laundry, I was supposed to feel so grateful that i would reward him with sex later. Honestly, thats his view on women. Yuck.
Now that im divorcing him, ive got a chores rota going for my own kids, so that they will nwver grow up to be like him in that regard.

Livingwithcrap · 16/12/2022 18:37

Update - 24 hours later from my request- bins still on the street. Bin bags still in the kitchen need to go into the outdoor bin. The kitchen bin is still skanky.

OP posts:
pointythings · 16/12/2022 18:39

No fault divorce is available. Go and get one, he won't get better and you are better off without him. He is a selfish loser who doesn't respect you or care for you.

Penguinsaregreat · 16/12/2022 18:39

I agree 100% with the survey saying it kills women’s sex drives.
Sadly op I have no further advice to offer.

Choobyscoopy · 16/12/2022 18:41

@Livingwithcrap and you just wait and wait and wait til you either: swallow your anger ans do it yourself, blow up and he does it, or blow up and he still wont do it.

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