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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be so upset by DC at nursery?

138 replies

HarryMcLarry · 15/12/2022 14:31

I have a DS who's 3 and a DD who's 4m. I went back to work at the six week mark - my employer is very understanding and supportive. I cannot fault them at all, they're a brilliant, brilliant employer. The situation was quite complex and involves regulation to the profession and changing regulations that meant I had to go back so soon. Based on those circumstances, it was my choice.

DH works from 8.15-4 Monday-Friday. My employer was happy with me working around that in mornings/evenings/weekends so I could look after DCs during the day. DS is in nursery 3 days each week, but DD wasn't in nursery at all. My work is flexible and there's very little supervision but there are dead-set deadlines that are huge amounts of work to get rearranged - they only get rearranged in very exceptional circumstances. You wouldn't tend to have them moved more than a couple of times in your life. DH and I planned that I would have the DCs whilst he worked and he would have them at home so I could work (keeping in mind that DS should go to bed three hours after DH gets home anyway) so we'd keep our weekends as family time.

I was really excited because I'd never been able to take maternity leave with DS so I couldn't wait to do all those typical maternity leave type things during the day with DD and do activities like swimming (or whatever) with them both.

We've been doing this for three months, my deadline is next month and DH has not taken the DCs on one single day. Not one. My employer is working to rearrange the January deadline but there's no guarantee it'll be possible and I genuinely do not know what to do if it's not approved (I could lose my job). Every time I raised it with DH, he'd promise he'll do it - I would be sobbing trying to explain that I needed support and he'd agree and understand and then just not bloody do it. He would seem really genuine and absolutely promise that he understood - then nothing. He's used up every single excuse in the world - he's tired, he's ill, the DCs are ill, they want mummy, he won't sleep, he needs to collect X from Facebook marketplace, he needs to go to the shops, he needs to stay late at work for Y... any excuse. Sometimes, no excuse, he'd just have driven off or just be outside or the DCs would just be in with me. After about two weeks, I stopped being able to have any fun with DCs and had to just try to work around them as much as I could. All the while falling further behind while DH promised to do his fair share. I stopped being able to do anything for myself - I haven't showered in three weeks!

Eventually, I realised I had to put them into nursery and I'm so upset. I feel like DH has robbed me of my nice time with them. I miss DD so much and she feels so little. Today's the first day and DH and I had a big argument about it last night - I resent him so much for this. He came in from work yesterday and I handed him DD and he'd just keep putting her down (right next to me) and walking off, so I'd ask him to get her (again and again and again). Then DS was saying he was hungry and DH just didn't respond (about ten times and DS is getting whiny) so I gave DD to DH and got DS food. Eventually DH sat holding DD (and complaining about it) whilst I cuddled with DS talking to him and keeping him entertained whilst also working. Then DH was still complaining about holding her (she's teething and had screamed all day refusing to be put down, including through two hours of meetings) and saying that it's not fair that DS is so chilled etc and he wants to "swap back". I said "do you have any idea how much I would give to not be being physically touched by someone 24/7? I just want five minutes where I can be productive and not be physically touched by a child" and DH said "well, if you put DS in front of the TV then you could cook dinner". He doesn't seem to have any respect at all for my career or for our family.

How do I stop being so upset by DH for this? I'm so hurt. I'm off for a shower.

And, before anyone asks, he was amazing and engaged when it was just DS but he refuses to look after both of the DCs together.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 15/12/2022 14:37

Have you somewhere else you can go to work - pub/family/friends?

I think you need to physically remove yourself so he has to crack on and get a handle on looking after all of them.

NuffSaidSam · 15/12/2022 14:38

Put them both in nursery and get your work done.

In the new year start thinking about your marriage. Counselling as a first step maybe or just go straight to thinking about how/when you can leave. You'd be better off by yourself.

IncompleteSenten · 15/12/2022 14:38

I know "ltb" is the go-to in threads like this but I'd give it one last shot first and hand them to him and immediately leave the house then park up further away, call him and say you're not coming back until this is talked over and sorted because you have had enough of his shit.

Have the conversation over the phone while you are out of the house so he can't run away from it and tell him this is make or break time. He's either a parent or he's not.

Pictograph · 15/12/2022 14:38

It does sound like DH is being rubbish, but on the other hand it was a crazy idea to not organise childcare for a 6-week baby and expect to be able to look after her as well as both working full time!

Honestly I would advise that you put her in nursery, work in a normal way, try to get over the mum guilt and re build your relationship with DH. Accept that this was an experiment that didn't work.

Flurbegurb · 15/12/2022 14:38

Why isn't it - DH gets home at 4.30 or whatever, you leave the house and go to the office/library/cafe? Sorry if that is simplistic.

Original poster

HarryMcLarry · 15/12/2022 14:42

Nowhere is open late at night within walking distance (I don't drive) except pubs/bars (where I can't work). DCs are both in nursery now - that's why I'm upset.

OP posts:

Caspianberg · 15/12/2022 14:47

How many hours do you need to do a day?

I would keep them at home mornings. Drop at nursery at 1pm. Dh can collect them at 4.30pm

1-4.30pm you can work anywhere at home, 4.30-6.30pm work in bedroom with door shut.

MusicstillonMTV · 15/12/2022 14:48

HarryMcLarry · 15/12/2022 14:42

Nowhere is open late at night within walking distance (I don't drive) except pubs/bars (where I can't work). DCs are both in nursery now - that's why I'm upset.

What about the weekend?

Can you go and work somewhere else then? I would be tempted to go for a long day and maybe even stay over night to catch up on work (and sleep) and force your DH to step up

Lampshadered · 15/12/2022 14:49

Yes your husband is a dickhead for not sticking to the agreement but tbh it is really hard for a couple to work fulltime without childcare, particularly when your children are so young.

Is a childminder a possibility? It's more one to one care for your DD than a nursery.

Bestcatmum · 15/12/2022 14:52

I'd be divorcing "D"H.
In fact I did and raised DS on my own. I don't have time for utterly useless men like this.

Smartiepants79 · 15/12/2022 14:55

Your husband has been completely and utterly useless.
He is neither a good husband or a good father.
He doesn’t even seem to be a very nice person.
Although I agree with others that the whole scenario sounds like a recipe for disaster. Your childcare choices and work do not sound like it would ever have been feasible.
That said, your DH presumably agreed to this crazy plan but has not actually done ANY of the things he was supposed to do in order for it to be even slightly workable.
I would have lost all respect and affection for this man.
Who leaves their wife sobbing on the sofa instead of doing the bare minimum to help out??

Dirtylittlewolf · 15/12/2022 14:59

What a selfish bastard! Quite happy for his career to keep on whilst leaving you to flounder. I think you need to think whether your marriage will survive the resentment.

DowntonCrabby · 15/12/2022 15:01

I think you’ve given him plenty of chances to step up and you’ve broken down many times hoping he’d actually get it.

He doesn’t. He’s a selfish prick. I’d be gone. You deserve better

EndlessRain1 · 15/12/2022 15:01

NuffSaidSam · 15/12/2022 14:38

Put them both in nursery and get your work done.

In the new year start thinking about your marriage. Counselling as a first step maybe or just go straight to thinking about how/when you can leave. You'd be better off by yourself.

This. You really have no other choice. Well, you could quit your job and become a SAHM. You obvs can't work and look after your kids, as you will need to rely you on "D"H for this and you clearly can't.

Original poster

HarryMcLarry · 15/12/2022 15:04

Thanks guys. I'm actually going to have a bath - it's running now. I understand I have no choice for DCs to not be in nursery but I'm so upset by it and I just can't forgive DH for the stress and lies.

OP posts:

Aprilx · 15/12/2022 15:05

I must admit I didn’t really understand your thread, do you mean he doesn’t do the childcare in the evening after work? I am a bit confused by you saying he hasn’t had them one day when he works five days a week. Anyway if that is the case, then yes he is being unfair. But I also think that you are (both) unrealistic to think that you can both work and have no childcare.

LapinR0se · 15/12/2022 15:10

So your DH works 8-15-4 and you are supposed to work 4 until what time? And how many days a week are you both working?

itsthefinalcountdown1 · 15/12/2022 15:13

Working and providing care for a 6 week old baby isn't sustainable. I agree your husband should be helping more, but also you do need proper childcare in place to be able to work. I appreciate you may have felt like you need to go back to work so soon, but it is very very soon. Babies from 6 weeks to 4 months do tend to need round the clock care, so you do need proper childcare.

You haven't showered in 3 weeks - that's not acceptable. I don't know why you haven't found 5 minutes for a shower in a week though... That does feel like you're being a martyr a little bit.

EndlessRain1 · 15/12/2022 15:21

I agree with others too though, this plan was never going to work.

tillytown · 15/12/2022 15:30

It doesn't matter if the plan was going to work or not, it matters that her husband refuses to take care of his own children, keeps lying to OP, and doesn't care how much stress and upset he is causing

EndlessRain1 · 15/12/2022 15:32

Of course it matters. They were setting themselves up to fail. Noone is excusing her DH though, it's pretty unanimous everyone things he's been a dick.

Whatthediddlyfeck · 15/12/2022 15:36

I do think your plan had disaster written all over it BUT your dh has been spectacularly useless…I do suspect he may have not been on board with you going back to work with a 6 week old baby and this has been his way of showing it though?

MrsLangOnionsMcWeetabix · 15/12/2022 15:54

I don’t think I could forgive that tbh. Maybe if he’d had a conversation with you and admitted he just couldn’t do it but even then I’d struggle.

takealettermsjones · 15/12/2022 16:03

This plan was massively doomed to fail. He's been rubbish at communicating it with you but I'd imagine he's not happy at you expecting him to work full time and then do all the childcare when he's home. According to that plan, he doesn't get a break at all in the week (of course, neither do you, but it sounds like it was your idea?). If the baby was in nursery then you both work in the day and you split the evening childcare, which lessens the load on you both.

I suspect that if a woman came on here and said that DH expects her to work all day and then take the baby all evening every single weekday, people might be suggesting he should jog on!

Mariposista · 15/12/2022 16:13

He clearly thinks his career trumps yours. Mysoginistic prick.

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