AIBU to be so upset by DC at nursery?

[HarryMcLarry]

I have a DS who's 3 and a DD who's 4m. I went back to work at the six week mark - my employer is very understanding and supportive. I cannot fault them at all, they're a brilliant, brilliant employer. The situation was quite complex and involves regulation to the profession and changing regulations that meant I had to go back so soon. Based on those circumstances, it was my choice.

DH works from 8.15-4 Monday-Friday. My employer was happy with me working around that in mornings/evenings/weekends so I could look after DCs during the day. DS is in nursery 3 days each week, but DD wasn't in nursery at all. My work is flexible and there's very little supervision but there are dead-set deadlines that are huge amounts of work to get rearranged - they only get rearranged in very exceptional circumstances. You wouldn't tend to have them moved more than a couple of times in your life. DH and I planned that I would have the DCs whilst he worked and he would have them at home so I could work (keeping in mind that DS should go to bed three hours after DH gets home anyway) so we'd keep our weekends as family time.

I was really excited because I'd never been able to take maternity leave with DS so I couldn't wait to do all those typical maternity leave type things during the day with DD and do activities like swimming (or whatever) with them both.

We've been doing this for three months, my deadline is next month and DH has not taken the DCs on one single day. Not one. My employer is working to rearrange the January deadline but there's no guarantee it'll be possible and I genuinely do not know what to do if it's not approved (I could lose my job). Every time I raised it with DH, he'd promise he'll do it - I would be sobbing trying to explain that I needed support and he'd agree and understand and then just not bloody do it. He would seem really genuine and absolutely promise that he understood - then nothing. He's used up every single excuse in the world - he's tired, he's ill, the DCs are ill, they want mummy, he won't sleep, he needs to collect X from Facebook marketplace, he needs to go to the shops, he needs to stay late at work for Y... any excuse. Sometimes, no excuse, he'd just have driven off or just be outside or the DCs would just be in with me. After about two weeks, I stopped being able to have any fun with DCs and had to just try to work around them as much as I could. All the while falling further behind while DH promised to do his fair share. I stopped being able to do anything for myself - I haven't showered in three weeks!

Eventually, I realised I had to put them into nursery and I'm so upset. I feel like DH has robbed me of my nice time with them. I miss DD so much and she feels so little. Today's the first day and DH and I had a big argument about it last night - I resent him so much for this. He came in from work yesterday and I handed him DD and he'd just keep putting her down (right next to me) and walking off, so I'd ask him to get her (again and again and again). Then DS was saying he was hungry and DH just didn't respond (about ten times and DS is getting whiny) so I gave DD to DH and got DS food. Eventually DH sat holding DD (and complaining about it) whilst I cuddled with DS talking to him and keeping him entertained whilst also working. Then DH was still complaining about holding her (she's teething and had screamed all day refusing to be put down, including through two hours of meetings) and saying that it's not fair that DS is so chilled etc and he wants to "swap back". I said "do you have any idea how much I would give to not be being physically touched by someone 24/7? I just want five minutes where I can be productive and not be physically touched by a child" and DH said "well, if you put DS in front of the TV then you could cook dinner". He doesn't seem to have any respect at all for my career or for our family.

How do I stop being so upset by DH for this? I'm so hurt. I'm off for a shower.

And, before anyone asks, he was amazing and engaged when it was just DS but he refuses to look after both of the DCs together.

I don’t know any other mum who chose to go back to work when their baby was 6 weeks old (in the UK). OP was absolutely not railroaded. She was prioritising her career over the care of her new baby. Which is fine, providing she can own it.

Sorry, my post was actually in response to @Goldbar

Does your DH actually do anything for the dc or around the house? Does he have any redeeming points because he sounds awful.

Also, you working full-time with this setup was never going to work. Can you go part-time?

What are you talking about?

He was on board with the plan when the OP agreed with her employer to go back to work at 6 weeks. The OP says he and she planned this together, presumably to care for their young baby and avoid childcare costs.

If he's changed his mind since then, what he needed to do was have a grown-up conversation with the OP - "This isn't working, I'm finding it too much and I think you are too." And then they needed jointly to work out a way to make things work.

Instead, he's behaved like a petulant teenager, pushed the OP to breaking point, trashed her career and left her to make decisions to try to fix the situation entirely on her own, rather than as a team. At no point has he acted like a team player in any way.

I'd be very interested to know the financial situation and whether he is still expecting the OP to contribute 50% of everything. And whether he is sharing nursery costs now she is having to use childcare to work.

I think you need to hire a daily nanny rather than put the children, especially the baby, in a nursery. It surely wouldn't cost any more and you would have someone on whom you could depend which would give you peace of mind. Your husband is obviously not dependable.

There aren't many people who return to work six weeks after giving birth, that doesn't sound like maternity leave to me. However if that's the way it is, there's not much that can be said about it.

I don't understand why you went back to work when you have a 6 week old baby!!! Crazy!

What hours were you planning to work? Your employer was happy with weekends/ evenings but if you wanted every day from 7 to 5 (or whatever commute time is) and every weekend free of work that really doesn’t leave much time for work! If you take out time for eating/ basic self care you could do what 4 or 5 hours a day? I just don’t understand how you thought you could do
it even if your oh worked all day and then did all the child care in the evening.
I also think that a nanny might be a good solution for you as you could take the children during the day according to your work schedule.

All right no need to judge

Is that because you're hard of reading?

Yabu to have entered into such a crazy arrangement, and not to have sought childcare sooner, when it clearly wasn't working.

It's utterly crazy to think you can work without childcare booked and a 6 week old baby, plus a 3 year old. Far too much for both of you. Did he really agree to this, or was he cajoled?

Depending on how many hours a week you need to work, you could perhaps have a day or two a week at home with your baby, but you need solid formal childcare arrangements. I'm also surprised your employer agreed to this, most wouldn't.

I think the working arrangement could work just fine if he stepped up to his role.

It seems a lot for you to have the kids all day and then to start working at half 4 but that's your choice and you would get the best of both worlds getting to spend all day with your children.

We had a situation like this during covid as we both still had to work with a 3 year old and 1 year old and no nursery and we both played our part and let the other one work upstairs at different prolonged times with no interruptions.

The excuses he is making like going to the shop or collecting something from market place could be done at the weekend it seems he really just doesn't want to have both children for that amount of time to let you work. Putting his wants over the importance of your work.

I'm not even sure counselling would work as you say he is very understanding when you do talk about it with him but then never holds up so I'd say he would say all the right things and you would be in the same situation after. It definitely would make me question the relationship and sacrifices he is willing to make for both you and the children. Hope you can sort something out.

Hang on here. You are asking him to work all day, come home and take sole care of 2 young children from then on. You want to just do mum stuff during the day and then work in the late afternoons/evenings? Sorry but you should use a nursery like every one else. From the sound of it, half days would work fine.

I might be missing something but wouldn't he "just be doing dad stuff" in the evening?

Or is parenting only hard work when men have to do it?