AIBU to be so upset by DC at nursery?

[HarryMcLarry]

I have a DS who's 3 and a DD who's 4m. I went back to work at the six week mark - my employer is very understanding and supportive. I cannot fault them at all, they're a brilliant, brilliant employer. The situation was quite complex and involves regulation to the profession and changing regulations that meant I had to go back so soon. Based on those circumstances, it was my choice.

DH works from 8.15-4 Monday-Friday. My employer was happy with me working around that in mornings/evenings/weekends so I could look after DCs during the day. DS is in nursery 3 days each week, but DD wasn't in nursery at all. My work is flexible and there's very little supervision but there are dead-set deadlines that are huge amounts of work to get rearranged - they only get rearranged in very exceptional circumstances. You wouldn't tend to have them moved more than a couple of times in your life. DH and I planned that I would have the DCs whilst he worked and he would have them at home so I could work (keeping in mind that DS should go to bed three hours after DH gets home anyway) so we'd keep our weekends as family time.

I was really excited because I'd never been able to take maternity leave with DS so I couldn't wait to do all those typical maternity leave type things during the day with DD and do activities like swimming (or whatever) with them both.

We've been doing this for three months, my deadline is next month and DH has not taken the DCs on one single day. Not one. My employer is working to rearrange the January deadline but there's no guarantee it'll be possible and I genuinely do not know what to do if it's not approved (I could lose my job). Every time I raised it with DH, he'd promise he'll do it - I would be sobbing trying to explain that I needed support and he'd agree and understand and then just not bloody do it. He would seem really genuine and absolutely promise that he understood - then nothing. He's used up every single excuse in the world - he's tired, he's ill, the DCs are ill, they want mummy, he won't sleep, he needs to collect X from Facebook marketplace, he needs to go to the shops, he needs to stay late at work for Y... any excuse. Sometimes, no excuse, he'd just have driven off or just be outside or the DCs would just be in with me. After about two weeks, I stopped being able to have any fun with DCs and had to just try to work around them as much as I could. All the while falling further behind while DH promised to do his fair share. I stopped being able to do anything for myself - I haven't showered in three weeks!

Eventually, I realised I had to put them into nursery and I'm so upset. I feel like DH has robbed me of my nice time with them. I miss DD so much and she feels so little. Today's the first day and DH and I had a big argument about it last night - I resent him so much for this. He came in from work yesterday and I handed him DD and he'd just keep putting her down (right next to me) and walking off, so I'd ask him to get her (again and again and again). Then DS was saying he was hungry and DH just didn't respond (about ten times and DS is getting whiny) so I gave DD to DH and got DS food. Eventually DH sat holding DD (and complaining about it) whilst I cuddled with DS talking to him and keeping him entertained whilst also working. Then DH was still complaining about holding her (she's teething and had screamed all day refusing to be put down, including through two hours of meetings) and saying that it's not fair that DS is so chilled etc and he wants to "swap back". I said "do you have any idea how much I would give to not be being physically touched by someone 24/7? I just want five minutes where I can be productive and not be physically touched by a child" and DH said "well, if you put DS in front of the TV then you could cook dinner". He doesn't seem to have any respect at all for my career or for our family.

How do I stop being so upset by DH for this? I'm so hurt. I'm off for a shower.

And, before anyone asks, he was amazing and engaged when it was just DS but he refuses to look after both of the DCs together.

Your husband is an absolute arse, but you need a nanny. Find someone good to be with you in the home and they will handle the holding and the basics, while you are still a constant reassuring presence. They'll be absolute fine in nursery too, but I appreciate it's not what you wanted.

And it shouldn't be you doing the work of finding a nanny, it should be your dh and he owes you at the bare minimum a heartfelt apology. I'd be inclined to send him back to PILs for a few days to think about where he wants to be.

You made a decision to work around your husbands hours so why would he need to take time off to accommodate you doing your work. It doesn’t seem like a realistic setup, your work was always going to suffer that way and your employer shouldn’t be having to give deadline extensions so that you can work unusual hours and avoid childcare. Yes it’s annoying, but I think you were kidding yourself that it could ever have worked.

Is he annoyed you have made this decision? You expect him to work all day, come home at 4.30 and immediately have sole care of a 6week old and a toddler all night. Im presuming you're working until at least 10.30 to get any meaningful work done - 6 hours? I know you are doing the same reversed - childcare all day and work all night but it sounds like you chose this. Did he agree enthusiasticly to begin with or was he reticent when you suggested this solution? It seems really hard to make work in any circumstances, let alone if perhaps your DH is in no way on board

Well your DH has clearly been unsupportive and a bit of an arse, in terms of his attitude. But putting that to one side, I agree with others that your plan was always completely unrealistic.

If you really needed/wanted to go back to work when your baby was only 6 weeks old, with you and DH essentially working opposite shifts, how was either of you meant to get any down time? Or for that matter, any time as a couple? Lots of people were forced to work this way during lockdown, and it was hell. DH and I personally managed it for about 12 weeks with our 1yo when nursery closed to all but key workers and it was utterly miserable as a way to live. And that was just with one much older child.

In your shoes, I think I’d have tried to find a nanny rather than putting your young baby in nursery, but obviously that’s upto you. But I think you need to try and find a way to move past the anger you’re currently feeling towards your DH and accept that the whole scenario was destined to fail.

I suppose in summary what I’m thinking is - if he was a good, engaged parent and a loving parent upto this point, has the strain of this unrealistic set up been the thing to break him?

Loving partner* not parent!

Sit him down and talk him through the realities of 50/50 childcare which is the likelihood when you leave him.

He would need to take time off because up until this point, he hasn’t looked after the kids in the evening and night which has meant that OP hasn’t had any time to work, and is at risk of missing her deadline. Not sure what him taking time off would achieve though- as he would be just as useless on annual leave as he has been on the weekends and evenings.

50/50 childcare, with someone to look after his child while he works, will probably be quite an enticing prospect compared to what he was being expected to do before 🤷‍♀️At least he’ll get a break.

This is a man who won’t comfort his crying baby. He’s doing less than many men do while their partners are on May leave. Lots of men will take over from their wives and girlfriends when they get home from work until bedtime just to give them a break from fussy and clingy children. If OPs husband had done just those 3-4 hours of childcare, that would have been a huge help. And is hardly unrealistic- the childcare burden would still predominantly fall on OP.

*mat leave

This would be a deal breaker for me and I wouldn’t stay in the relationship.

ultimately when you marry someone you become a financial partnership. He is valuing your work very differently from his own, and putting you in an impossible position. Think forward to what will happen in holidays, if a child is poorly and not at school, when someone needs to go to a school play, if a teenager needs someone at home to support with exams. He is telling you it’s all on you.

In your position I would think hard about what I would want or need if I was a single parent with limited support from him. And then I’d set up nursery, homelife etc round that and ask him to leave.

I became a single parent when my youngest was less than 1. I do a professional job, use childcare, manage fine financially and have more time for the kids. It was eye opening that it wasn’t much harder than parenting together, which gives you some idea of the balance we had before.

While he is a massive twat, surely now you just work while they're at nursery and have your time with them when they come home at the end of the day?

You obviously need help but handing the baby to DH as soon as he gets home from work is really pushy and he may resent it especially if you keep crying and shouting at him about it! You sound really on edge all the time which isn't healthy for anyone. And not showering for 3weeks sounds like depression (postnatal?)
Having 2kids isn't just twice as hard , it's 10 times as hard. And I don't think you are being realistic expecting it to to plan.

Your husband sounds a wanker but what on Earth is your job? Lots of us work in heavily regulated professions with unyielding deadlines but this sounds particularly non family friendly

I think it was very unrealistic of yours to think that you could work with your kids at home and around them. The mental and physical drain is massive. And at the end this affects your relationship. If you work for such a difficult market where they can’t be without you even for a few months I think you should have chosen to be a full time mum or to prioritise your career. Both is really unrealistic.

as for your husband … how has he been until now ? Was he a hands off parent or would he refuse to be with dc1? Cuz I can’t understand why have a second child with them if he was being useless with the first one already and not supporting you

right now everything you can accept is that the idea you had In mind is not realistic , with or without your partners help and let the mum guilt go as thousands of us mums have to go through when we first sent our children to nursery

This.

oh OP it sounds so stressful and your DH is a complete cunt.
So. Do the firefighting first: try to put aside your sadness about DD and try to get your work done for the deadline. Concentrate on that as your absolute priority, with some breaks at the weekend / evening where possible to recharge and play with your DCs. Do not do anything for your DH that he can do for himself. Do not do anything that won't either kill one of the DCs or cause the house to fall down (really firefighting) until the work / deadline is done.

then work on your exit strategy. You don't have to "LTB" instantly, but you need to work out how you are going to do it, how you are going to handle being a single parent with most of the custody/work. And how to keep your job which you clearly love and are good at.

You're going to have to be strong and stubborn and I'm sorry your DH isn't worthy of you

This
And others like it

You DH is really u supportive, but equally, I would seriously question how sustainable the arrangement you have is. Very few people could work that much and provide 100% childcare. I wonder how long you'll cope with it for?

you need to make alternative arrangements. Maybe a local childminder would offer care for a few hours each day while your baby is so little, or if you can afford it, a nanny would allow you a bit of breathing room while still having baby close by.

Agree that a childminder is likely to be a more suitable arrangement for a very young child

Op your plan was doomed from day one.
DH and I tried it during the first lockdown and by 3/4 weeks we were both broken and knackered. WFH and looking after young kids just doesn't work.

Options
1 put kids into nursery
2, assuming you are uk, take parental leave for a year, it will be less stressful than work and nursery, and probably not much difference in income.
3, with baby so young I'd even consider a nanny

I don't think it's a ltb it's just a stupid plan doomed to fail.

I would find this unforgivable to be honest.

2, assuming you are uk, take parental leave for a year, it will be less stressful than work and nursery, and probably not much difference in income.

OP said that there are reasons she went back to work when she did And therefore this isn't viable for her. Her DH could do it but he doesn't seem to have any inclination.

Her best bet is to get through to the end of January as best she can (and i also echo the pp that said a childminder might be a better option? maybe more flexible) and then reassess what she wants her life to look like.

I appreciate he's not doing his fair share in the evenings, but the whole arrangement is not fair on either of you - neither of you get any downtime in this arrangement, you're both working all day or looking after kids all day then doing the opposite in the evening. There's no opportunity for you to share the load which will eventually lead to arguments and burnout anyway. Nursery is honestly the better option. Then you can both enjoy the time you have together with the children in the evenings. I know you say your employer is amazing but unless you're in the US the fact you feel you have to go back after 6 weeks leads me to think otherwise! A good employer has a good maternity package and does not make you feel like you need to return after 6 weeks x