AIBU to be so upset by DC at nursery?

[HarryMcLarry]

I have a DS who's 3 and a DD who's 4m. I went back to work at the six week mark - my employer is very understanding and supportive. I cannot fault them at all, they're a brilliant, brilliant employer. The situation was quite complex and involves regulation to the profession and changing regulations that meant I had to go back so soon. Based on those circumstances, it was my choice.

DH works from 8.15-4 Monday-Friday. My employer was happy with me working around that in mornings/evenings/weekends so I could look after DCs during the day. DS is in nursery 3 days each week, but DD wasn't in nursery at all. My work is flexible and there's very little supervision but there are dead-set deadlines that are huge amounts of work to get rearranged - they only get rearranged in very exceptional circumstances. You wouldn't tend to have them moved more than a couple of times in your life. DH and I planned that I would have the DCs whilst he worked and he would have them at home so I could work (keeping in mind that DS should go to bed three hours after DH gets home anyway) so we'd keep our weekends as family time.

I was really excited because I'd never been able to take maternity leave with DS so I couldn't wait to do all those typical maternity leave type things during the day with DD and do activities like swimming (or whatever) with them both.

We've been doing this for three months, my deadline is next month and DH has not taken the DCs on one single day. Not one. My employer is working to rearrange the January deadline but there's no guarantee it'll be possible and I genuinely do not know what to do if it's not approved (I could lose my job). Every time I raised it with DH, he'd promise he'll do it - I would be sobbing trying to explain that I needed support and he'd agree and understand and then just not bloody do it. He would seem really genuine and absolutely promise that he understood - then nothing. He's used up every single excuse in the world - he's tired, he's ill, the DCs are ill, they want mummy, he won't sleep, he needs to collect X from Facebook marketplace, he needs to go to the shops, he needs to stay late at work for Y... any excuse. Sometimes, no excuse, he'd just have driven off or just be outside or the DCs would just be in with me. After about two weeks, I stopped being able to have any fun with DCs and had to just try to work around them as much as I could. All the while falling further behind while DH promised to do his fair share. I stopped being able to do anything for myself - I haven't showered in three weeks!

Eventually, I realised I had to put them into nursery and I'm so upset. I feel like DH has robbed me of my nice time with them. I miss DD so much and she feels so little. Today's the first day and DH and I had a big argument about it last night - I resent him so much for this. He came in from work yesterday and I handed him DD and he'd just keep putting her down (right next to me) and walking off, so I'd ask him to get her (again and again and again). Then DS was saying he was hungry and DH just didn't respond (about ten times and DS is getting whiny) so I gave DD to DH and got DS food. Eventually DH sat holding DD (and complaining about it) whilst I cuddled with DS talking to him and keeping him entertained whilst also working. Then DH was still complaining about holding her (she's teething and had screamed all day refusing to be put down, including through two hours of meetings) and saying that it's not fair that DS is so chilled etc and he wants to "swap back". I said "do you have any idea how much I would give to not be being physically touched by someone 24/7? I just want five minutes where I can be productive and not be physically touched by a child" and DH said "well, if you put DS in front of the TV then you could cook dinner". He doesn't seem to have any respect at all for my career or for our family.

How do I stop being so upset by DH for this? I'm so hurt. I'm off for a shower.

And, before anyone asks, he was amazing and engaged when it was just DS but he refuses to look after both of the DCs together.

This plan was always doomed to fail. 2 full time working parents need childcare, even if you have opposing work shift patterns.

But yes DP sounds like he may be a bit of a waste of space.

What a horrible man! Leave him.

He does sound useless but I don't think the plan would ever have worked in reality. I don't mean to sound like I'm getting at you but I really don't understand how you couldn't have showered for 3 weeks. That bit sounds ridiculous.

Who are these men?! It blows my mind wherever I read a thread like this. Hand the kids over, pick up your laptop and go and work in a Starbucks.

I have two young children similar ages and agree the plan sounded completely unsustainable. However, presumably your husband agreed to it and then just hasn't stuck to his end of the deal.

The blatant disregard for your career, health and also the wellbeing of his children would have me heading to a solicitor. I don't think I'd ever be able to look at him the same way and I definitely couldn't respect him.

I don't think the plan sounds unsustainable. I know people who have made a similiar situation work. The issue is that your DP is a waste of space.

How on earth have you not been able to shower for three weeks?

Kids are hard work and it’s not all nice times but unrelenting childcare. It’s good that you’ve got them into a nursery so that you can get your paid work done. Can your dh take and collect the kids?

Going to work with s 6 week bsby was sleaus going to be a disaster unless you had rock solid childcare. You don't have a choice bit to use nursery unless you want to quit your job. Considering how useless your dh has proven himself to be I'd hold onto your job. Honestly I would be having serious talks about the future of this relationship, you've got two kids now, if he won't engage then you'd be better off unloading the dead weight.

He sounds awful!

It was never going to be fun but could have fundamentally worked as a short term solution if your husband wasn’t a vicious manipulator who would rather lie and mislead his wife and cause her to lose her job than actually parent his children. It’s absolutely divorce territory. This isn’t being ‘useless’ or ‘inept’ - it’s being calculated, manipulative and intentionally sabotaging your life and career. Unless he has significant learning disabilities, he knows, (because you have told him, cried and begged) what he is doing to you and his actions (ignore his words which are proven worthless) have told you loud and clear that he gives not a flying fuck.

Fundamentally the only two things you could have done were to walk out and work elsewhere when he got home or got up before him and left to do your work in the daytime with a factual statement that ‘you won’t allow me to work in my working hours by caring for our children so unfortunately I’m having to take the same approach and leave you to juggle work and childcare together’.

But given you’ve already put them into paid childcare it’s too late and he thinks he has won. I’m not sure how to advise you to forgive what is an unforgivable betrayal. I could never look at, never mind share my bed with, a man after that. Why do you want to get past this - imagine what he’ll do next?

Lots of parents work different "shifts" to manage childcare. It's shit but lots do it.

And no one bats an eyelid at a single mum leaving work at 5pm and being "on duty" childcare-wise until she goes to work the next day (and all weekends and holidays too). Parents don't necessarily get "breaks" and it's not an entitlement if it's not possible in the circumstances.

What you planned was difficult but not unmanageable if your husband had pulled his weight.

Your husband is shit, sorry 💐. Useless, nasty and lazy.

Your husband is a spineless, lazy knob.

How would he cope if, god forbid, you fell ill?

Your husband is a cunt, sorry. He's promised to do this and has completely let you and your family down.

Is he like this in other ways? He doesn't sound like he's a great parent at all.

I'm not sure I could forgive this behaviour.

I don’t understand why you even entered such a ridiculous arrangement. Clearly your job isn’t compatible with kids if you only get 6 weeks mat leave. You knew this when you had your son so you had 2 years to find a new job. Expecting your DH to work a full day then take your kids so you can work in the evenings when you have a newborn isn’t right. Newborns want their mothers, they are programmed for that, and even had your DH been supportive you wouldn’t have been able to make things work long term.

It was never going to work.

you looking after the kids all
day then working at night

him working all day and looking after the kids at night

you made a choice about your career (god knows what you do but it doesn’t sound flexible at all) and you’ve under estimated the toll on your family life.

It doesn't sound like your arrangement was ever going to work, and it also sounds like you've let this go and go and go and are now in a bit of a bind with your job.

Could you not have booked half days at nursery and then you could have had the morning with the children and then the afternoon working with DH picking up the children after work.

Saying that, he's also not a "D"H really is he....? That's a whole other issue that needs an honest conversation about. He can't prioritise his job over yours and he can't opt out of parenting on the tough days.

He sounds utterly useless but I agree that the overall plan sounds precarious to say the least.

From what I can infer, if you had proper childcare for, say, 16-20 hours per week, you'd power through a lot of work then and then still have a couple of days to do the swimming and things that you want.

Crazy idea newborn and toddler is survival and absolutely exhausting there is a reason for maternity leave, I think YABU and should never have agree to go back to work at 6 weeks. It's not your husbands fault the children now have to go to nursery you can't have it all unfortunately.

Trying to both work full time hours with children that young and no childcare was never a workable idea, not with your aim of keeping weekends as family time.

There are 120 hours mon-fri,of which you would ideally spend 40 asleep, there needs to be probably 7 hours a week spent eating, another 4 or so washing & dressing everyone etc, easily 4 or so on home based work eg tidying & daily washing up, sorting laundry etc. Everyone needs a break each day, thats another 7 hours a week as a bare minimum.

That doesn't leave enough hours for eah person to a) work 42.5 hours child free (37.5h plus 1h lunch per day) AND care for children for 42.5 hours so the other person can work child free.

It also doesnt leave enough time for each person to have any meaningful leisure time. Its before you factor in time spent preparing meals, shopping for food, cleaning, commuting if anyone works outside the home etc.

And no one bats an eyelid at a single mum leaving work at 5pm and being "on duty" childcare-wise until she goes to work the next day (and all weekends and holidays too).

They do when it includes a 4 month old baby. Universal credit for example, won't expect someone with a baby that age to be looking for work at all.

Sorry but if you haven’t showered in three weeks then you only have yourself to blame, a shower takes 5 minutes. Absolutely ridiculous.

Do you have a spare bedroom where you can lock yourself as soon as DH comes home? I mean give him the list, handover, kiss them bye bye and off you go. He is not allowed to intrerupt for the next 3 hrs .

Or, if that's nit possible, handover the kids , get in the car, find a nice comfy cafe and get on with work .

You need to remove yourself from your husbands view so he doesn't use you as a crutch and steps in. He knows that if he moans or complains, you will give in and take over.

No advice apart from physically removing yourself from the house when he’s got the children which isn’t going to be easy reading your responses.

Just wanted to comment as every single post I’ve read on MN there’s always several people jumping straight to ‘leave him!’ ‘Get rid!’ Etc and it baffles me how society today gives up so easily.