AIBU to be so upset by DC at nursery?

[HarryMcLarry]

I have a DS who's 3 and a DD who's 4m. I went back to work at the six week mark - my employer is very understanding and supportive. I cannot fault them at all, they're a brilliant, brilliant employer. The situation was quite complex and involves regulation to the profession and changing regulations that meant I had to go back so soon. Based on those circumstances, it was my choice.

DH works from 8.15-4 Monday-Friday. My employer was happy with me working around that in mornings/evenings/weekends so I could look after DCs during the day. DS is in nursery 3 days each week, but DD wasn't in nursery at all. My work is flexible and there's very little supervision but there are dead-set deadlines that are huge amounts of work to get rearranged - they only get rearranged in very exceptional circumstances. You wouldn't tend to have them moved more than a couple of times in your life. DH and I planned that I would have the DCs whilst he worked and he would have them at home so I could work (keeping in mind that DS should go to bed three hours after DH gets home anyway) so we'd keep our weekends as family time.

I was really excited because I'd never been able to take maternity leave with DS so I couldn't wait to do all those typical maternity leave type things during the day with DD and do activities like swimming (or whatever) with them both.

We've been doing this for three months, my deadline is next month and DH has not taken the DCs on one single day. Not one. My employer is working to rearrange the January deadline but there's no guarantee it'll be possible and I genuinely do not know what to do if it's not approved (I could lose my job). Every time I raised it with DH, he'd promise he'll do it - I would be sobbing trying to explain that I needed support and he'd agree and understand and then just not bloody do it. He would seem really genuine and absolutely promise that he understood - then nothing. He's used up every single excuse in the world - he's tired, he's ill, the DCs are ill, they want mummy, he won't sleep, he needs to collect X from Facebook marketplace, he needs to go to the shops, he needs to stay late at work for Y... any excuse. Sometimes, no excuse, he'd just have driven off or just be outside or the DCs would just be in with me. After about two weeks, I stopped being able to have any fun with DCs and had to just try to work around them as much as I could. All the while falling further behind while DH promised to do his fair share. I stopped being able to do anything for myself - I haven't showered in three weeks!

Eventually, I realised I had to put them into nursery and I'm so upset. I feel like DH has robbed me of my nice time with them. I miss DD so much and she feels so little. Today's the first day and DH and I had a big argument about it last night - I resent him so much for this. He came in from work yesterday and I handed him DD and he'd just keep putting her down (right next to me) and walking off, so I'd ask him to get her (again and again and again). Then DS was saying he was hungry and DH just didn't respond (about ten times and DS is getting whiny) so I gave DD to DH and got DS food. Eventually DH sat holding DD (and complaining about it) whilst I cuddled with DS talking to him and keeping him entertained whilst also working. Then DH was still complaining about holding her (she's teething and had screamed all day refusing to be put down, including through two hours of meetings) and saying that it's not fair that DS is so chilled etc and he wants to "swap back". I said "do you have any idea how much I would give to not be being physically touched by someone 24/7? I just want five minutes where I can be productive and not be physically touched by a child" and DH said "well, if you put DS in front of the TV then you could cook dinner". He doesn't seem to have any respect at all for my career or for our family.

How do I stop being so upset by DH for this? I'm so hurt. I'm off for a shower.

And, before anyone asks, he was amazing and engaged when it was just DS but he refuses to look after both of the DCs together.

So is he happy the baby has to go to nursery now?

Can you hire a part time nanny to give you the flexibility you wanted? One on one care is much more suitable than nursery for a newborn.

Work how much he'd owe you if you split. It is easier if you know you have no one to rely on than the promise of help that never appears.

I could not live with this. The disrespect. Disgusting. He thinks your work, your time, your comfort and your happiness are worth less than his.

I don’t think I could forgive dh for this.

Ever thought he might be struggling with being a parent again and could possibly be going through post-natal depression? He could be finding the prospect of being left alone with 2 children, 1 very young, very overwhelming so is coming up with rubbish excuses to not do it. Things aren't always as black and white as they appear

Dont we all, mums jyst have to crack on depressed or not

Sounds like OP has all the downsides of being a single parent with none of the advantages.

To a point, yes we do but I've lost count of the amount of excuses I've come up with in the last 5 years to not do something which I'd promised myself I'd do for my/with my dd! Doesn't mean he deserves less thought because some people just get on with it, it could be a very valid reason as to why he's not handling things in the way people think he should be

Well, it’s not people visit. It’s his wife, his family.

Does his daughter whos in pain not require thought or comfort ? Mothers don’t have time to be depressed.

I struggle to believe there is any regulated industry that doesn’t have provision for the fact that women will take maternity leave. Surely it wouldn’t stand up to legal challenge otherwise? I don’t think your employer is “brilliant” and “supportive@ in facilitating a mad scheme.

Tell that to a mother who's been on medication for years, mothers definitely do have time for depression, post natal depression is just one example of that!

This sounds like really bizarre behaviour on his part. You said he was amazing and engaged with your son, presumably helping out more, and now wants nothing to do with parenting them? Was your daughter planned or an accidental pregnancy?

If she was planned and now he’s suddenly done a 180 then he really needs some therapy to explore what’s going on there. If accidental and now he’s acting like this, well, that’s really shitty. I’d find it hard
to forgive him for that if that was the case.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, OP. Of course you’re not unreasonable to be pissed about him not respecting your work. I hope he’s paying for nursery!

I have two children the exact same age as yours. Currently I am on maternity leave and I can’t see how your plan would work. DH is generally burnt out from a stressful day at work each evening but he will watch the children so I can make dinner, shower etc. By the time we have eaten its pretty much bed time and everyone is just trying to relax following me watching the kids all day and DH working. Evenings we also try and keep on top of the household between us but there never seems to be enough time to get everything done. Your plan even if he stuck to it would have left you both shattered and likely him resenting the situation. I am not sure it would have been a win either way!

If you need to shower just get them both fed close to the time he comes home and then leave him to it while you take your shower. He won’t have a reason to need you and should be able to manage himself

I used to shower during baby's naptime, or put them in a bouncer/playpen for 5mins if awake.

I'm guessing the OP has to use naptime to do all the housework/cooking/cleaning..? Or does he help in that respect at all?

I agree with many others, this wasn't sustainable.

I am wondering if he is resenting his daughter and rejecting her which isn't nice for anyone and a dad would feel guilt over that. Babies do want to be near mum and so if she can smell or hear you she will do everything she can to get to you and that is not an easy thing for someone else to manage and will cause all sorts of distress signals to go off in you too.

I think you either talk to your employer and find a way to be part time, use nursery and maybe DH 1 day a week, ask to go back on mat leave (if that's even possible) or take a year sabbatical if it's affordable.

Accept that the idea hasnt worked and find an alternative which means everyone gets a little bit of what they need because carrying on like this means you will both resent each other and not because or natural human development which means your directions have changed but due to a circumstance of your own making.

Why do you want to stop being upset with H for his appalling behaviour?

He has no respect for you, for your time, or for your marriage.

He is treating you and your career with utter, seething contempt.

Does he have parents or siblings you could talk to about this and shame him?

My advice is to put the DCs in nursery, have a shower every day, get your work done, do absolutely nothing for your husband - cook or order food for you and DS, only do your own laundry, if you've bought him a Christmas gift, return it.

Arrange to quietly get rid of the master bedroom bed one day while hes at work and get a single in instead, and a lock for the bedroom door. Tell him he can sleep on the couch, in the garden shed, in the car, you don't particularly care.

Hire a solicitor. You'd be better off single with a nanny.

@TiddleyWink

YY, I agree this is an unforgivable betrayal.

I think he is deliberately destroying your career. It's abuse, pure and simple.

Yes!

I'm so sorry OP. I know it feels like very precious time that you won't get back. Don't let this spoil all of DD's baby days though. Use the weekends to do activities with her and make special memories x

OK so everyone knows that the plan was never going to work long time because swapping child care like that means you are "on" all of the time either work or childcare.

However it would have stood more chance and/or required less nursery if your DH had kept to his part of the agreement. Honestly how much discussion did you have about the reality and practicalities of this arrangement and was your DH fully on board? Who is paying the nursery fees?

The question is not how can you stop being upset with him, it is was this ever going to work, can he even make this up to you and is he worth the effort? He has massively let you and his children down and of course you are hurt.

For now I would concentrate on your work to get this deadline extended or completed. In the New Year I would be revaluating my relationship.

It is a crazy idea to have no childcare for a tiny baby. It’s not fair to your employer or other colleagues either. We don’t allow staff to have children under school age at home unless there is on site childcare (parent or nanny etc). Of course doesn’t mean we can police it 24/7 but I knew of one person who carried on keeping her 1yr old at home post covid whilst she worked. She said she didn’t want to use childcare, but surely you have to take a decision whether to continue to work or not. Whether she meets her target or not is irrelevant as it’s also a safeguarding risk in my opinion someone working and not supervising their child

OMFG do you want help digging a patio?!
And people blaming you because this plan was never going to work? Working alternate shifts around childcare is very common. OP looks after the kids while DH works. DH looks after the kids while OP works. It would have worked fine.
But a lazy bloke has turned it into, OP works and looks after the kids whole DH works, OP works and looks after the kids and cooks dinner while DH sits on his arse. THAT won't work.

And yet so many are, time or no time.

Your DH and tbh your workplace sound horrific. I wouldn't tolerate a partner being such an utterly usess parent. I'd tell him it's do or die. Be honest. Tell him you've lost all respect for him and he either needs to co-parent or get out of your life

I wouldn't tolerate a workplace telling me I can't take adequate maternity leave either though especially if they're pressuring you to meet deadlines etc. There is no excuse for this. Your kids will never get this time back and it's such a crucial time for their development and bonding with their parents. I have to be honest I worry that you'll pay for it with big problems with their emotional development and behaviour if they don't get what they need in these early years. I'm not saying this to guilt trip you but to encourage you to deeply consider how important this job really is and whether you really need to be so in the thick of it before your baby is even 1. I would say could your husband take the bulk of the mat leave instead but I think I'd trust a decent nanny/nursery to meet their needs more than him based on what you've said which is pretty depressing...

Sorry for the situation you're in OP. I hope you can sort something x

@SomethingOriginal2 I agree parents swap childcare but doing this when you have a 6 week old baby is tough even with a willing DH on board.