AIBU to be so upset by DC at nursery?

[HarryMcLarry]

I have a DS who's 3 and a DD who's 4m. I went back to work at the six week mark - my employer is very understanding and supportive. I cannot fault them at all, they're a brilliant, brilliant employer. The situation was quite complex and involves regulation to the profession and changing regulations that meant I had to go back so soon. Based on those circumstances, it was my choice.

DH works from 8.15-4 Monday-Friday. My employer was happy with me working around that in mornings/evenings/weekends so I could look after DCs during the day. DS is in nursery 3 days each week, but DD wasn't in nursery at all. My work is flexible and there's very little supervision but there are dead-set deadlines that are huge amounts of work to get rearranged - they only get rearranged in very exceptional circumstances. You wouldn't tend to have them moved more than a couple of times in your life. DH and I planned that I would have the DCs whilst he worked and he would have them at home so I could work (keeping in mind that DS should go to bed three hours after DH gets home anyway) so we'd keep our weekends as family time.

I was really excited because I'd never been able to take maternity leave with DS so I couldn't wait to do all those typical maternity leave type things during the day with DD and do activities like swimming (or whatever) with them both.

We've been doing this for three months, my deadline is next month and DH has not taken the DCs on one single day. Not one. My employer is working to rearrange the January deadline but there's no guarantee it'll be possible and I genuinely do not know what to do if it's not approved (I could lose my job). Every time I raised it with DH, he'd promise he'll do it - I would be sobbing trying to explain that I needed support and he'd agree and understand and then just not bloody do it. He would seem really genuine and absolutely promise that he understood - then nothing. He's used up every single excuse in the world - he's tired, he's ill, the DCs are ill, they want mummy, he won't sleep, he needs to collect X from Facebook marketplace, he needs to go to the shops, he needs to stay late at work for Y... any excuse. Sometimes, no excuse, he'd just have driven off or just be outside or the DCs would just be in with me. After about two weeks, I stopped being able to have any fun with DCs and had to just try to work around them as much as I could. All the while falling further behind while DH promised to do his fair share. I stopped being able to do anything for myself - I haven't showered in three weeks!

Eventually, I realised I had to put them into nursery and I'm so upset. I feel like DH has robbed me of my nice time with them. I miss DD so much and she feels so little. Today's the first day and DH and I had a big argument about it last night - I resent him so much for this. He came in from work yesterday and I handed him DD and he'd just keep putting her down (right next to me) and walking off, so I'd ask him to get her (again and again and again). Then DS was saying he was hungry and DH just didn't respond (about ten times and DS is getting whiny) so I gave DD to DH and got DS food. Eventually DH sat holding DD (and complaining about it) whilst I cuddled with DS talking to him and keeping him entertained whilst also working. Then DH was still complaining about holding her (she's teething and had screamed all day refusing to be put down, including through two hours of meetings) and saying that it's not fair that DS is so chilled etc and he wants to "swap back". I said "do you have any idea how much I would give to not be being physically touched by someone 24/7? I just want five minutes where I can be productive and not be physically touched by a child" and DH said "well, if you put DS in front of the TV then you could cook dinner". He doesn't seem to have any respect at all for my career or for our family.

How do I stop being so upset by DH for this? I'm so hurt. I'm off for a shower.

And, before anyone asks, he was amazing and engaged when it was just DS but he refuses to look after both of the DCs together.

I agree that the plan was never going to work. But it's also terrible that your husband hasn't even tried once to make it work, or had an adult conversation with you to explain why he is letting everyone down and work out other optionsas a team.

I wonder op if you could just take maternity leave? You sound devastated to not have that time with your daughter which is completely understandable. Surely you can catch up on changes in your industry later?

I think it might also be time to consider your relationship. He has behaved appalling regardless of the unsustainable plan you had for working with a newborn. If it was me I would just be seething with resentment and I'm not sure I could get over it.

My DH and I had a similar arrangement to the one you describe until DS was 1- I started work again when DS was still a very small baby and he took over as soon as he got home and I did one day at the weekend, I was part time though and self-employed so had a lot of flexibility. It's incredibly hard and much harder on the parent who has the children during the day. It 'worked' because DH respected my working hours and did things exactly as we agreed but I was an absolute husk by the end and really wouldn't recommend it!

Your DH has really let you down- I just can't imagine being in his shoes and my partner crying and begging me to let them work (as I'd agreed to!) and not recognise that I was being an absolute shitbag. Maybe he does realise he's being a shitbag but is willing to be one to avoid doing his fair share 😬

I agree with PPs that the arrangement you agreed to was never going to work, or at least it was always going to be very stressful and tiring. Having done it myself, I really think the best thing is to do what you've now done and use paid childcare- otherwise all you do is look after children, work and sleep with zero downtime. It would be tough even if DH stuck to the arrangement.

However, your DH's uselessness is still a big issue. Regardless of whether your plan worked out, he HAS to be able to look after both children on his own and you shouldn't have to wrangle him into doing it- it must be so stressful having to cajole him into pulling his weight. Even if he doesn't much enjoy caring for two small children on his own, he needs to recognise that it's his responsibility to do so and get on with it.

I'd find this hard to forgive, especially after breaking down in tears and telling him I was desperate for help and getting nothing back. In your shoes, I'd have one more go at sitting him down, explaining how you feel and how much he's let you down and that you won't accept him just loading all the responsibility for the children onto you. I'd be clear that him not stepping up consistently would be the end of the marriage.

Sorry OP

Your job doesn't sound compatible with having young kids and a husband who doesn't want to take paternity leave.

He should never have agreed to this situation and it is deeply worrying that he is happy to jeopardise his relationship with you and your job without being able to communicate with you.

I would put both dc in to nursery and start making some plans which don't include him.

Sorry op, it must be so hard.

I hope he’s paying the nursery fees.

I am furious on your behalf and I’m not even married to him. He would risk your career because he’s lazy? This man is seriously damaging your life. Please don’t back down and accept it. It’s weaponised incompetence. Before you know it you’ll be Working full time, doing 100% of the childcare and suddenly he will have a hobby. That he needs to do evenings and weekends. This is NOT acceptable and you should NOT put up with it.

Otherwise you will get a 18 year sentence of hard Labour and no time off at all.

Sorry I thought it was taking time off for hun to work as she said that he hadn’t done any days. I realise now that he wasn’t doing the evenings that he was supposed. It was a situation that would never be sustainable for more than a few days

Too many responses on these threads are always hes a selfish prick, doesn’t care about you or the kids, leave.

Doesn’t sound that simple to me, but seems like a simple resolution. Work elsewhere when kids are around & it’s his time to look after them. Even the best and most helpful of Dad’s can revert to ‘should I do this’ when Mum’s are around. He was great when you had 1 child so doesn’t sound like he was a useless or selfish prick, the 1 to 2 kids change can really be hard for lots of people and a real adjustment (Mum’s and Dad’s alike). You both need to have a frank & open conversation about this, what needs to happen, that you’re at breaking point etc and what you need to see for it all to work for you as a family. If you do this and nothing changes, or he has no appreciation then you consider whether relationship will work.

Write it all down and then discuss, less likely to turn into a row.

Don’t feel guilty for little one being in nursery already, you have to do what you can and wanting a family and career isn’t selfish. Maybe considering a childminder for a more home from home vibe.

All the best OP!

To clarify you were expecting him to work full time and then take the kids after work?

nah.

Isn’t that what every mother on the planet does? Or am I missing a trick ?

Isn't this what a lot of parents do, though? Working doesn't get you out of caring for your kids during evenings/ weekends.

And he was expecting her to work full time and look after the kids full time...

@girlmom21 no he wasn’t. Taking care of the kids whilst one works and the having two adults the rest of the time is not the same thing. I work full time. If my husband said to me that going forward I had to come home from work and take care of the kids because he’s decided he doesn’t want them in nursery and is adjusting his hours it would be a hard no for me.

@Goldbar yeah. They work. Have kids in nursery. They don’t have full time jobs and the come home and do solo child care whilst the other does a job.

@Goldbar as a former SAHM no. My husband had a full time job and then we co parented when he wasn’t working. Heavily weighted to me for sure but that’s not what’s being asked here. Unless I’ve misread the post.

There are many, many parents (mostly mums) who collect their kids from nursery/school after full-time work and then come home and look after them for most of the evening/weekend.

There are also many parents who split shifts to avoid childcare costs.

Working and then coming home and caring for your children is hardly an unusual state of affairs.

I’ve been a single mum for 10 years that’s precisely what I do

You haven’t showered for three weeks?!

@Tintime2022 he isn’t a single dad though.

Well, therefore he should be able to show us all how it’s done by managing really shouldn’t he ?

What with him having the male Superior brain and a cock

Single parents obviously have to do this but it's not only them... it's all parents where one parent has irregular working hours.

What about doctors, nurses and other shift workers, pilots, security guards, members of the armed forces etc.? Or just parents who have to work late or do overtime regularly? In all of these cases, the other parent will regularly have to work a full-time job and then parent solo. It's just not that unusual.

@Goldbar you’re missing the point. This isn’t about having to do it to accommodate both working patterns. This is because one parent doesn’t want their children in nursery. Railroading a parent into that situation isn’t acceptable.

@Tintime2022 i have no idea what you’re point is.

They agreed between them that this would be their working pattern to avoid putting a very young baby into nursery and the OP went back to work when she did on the basis of that agreement. The OP was arguably the one 'railroaded' into this situation when she might otherwise have chosen a longer maternity leave.

The plan was really naive. It was always unlikely that your dp would look after the kids after work alone after being at work himself. You would be unlikely to manage family life whilst juggling kids and a home. If you need to work, you get childcare and do your work. Evenings are always dreadful with kids. It was always unlikely that you could work effectively in this way.

@Goldbar hes made it crystal clear he’s not on board with the plan.