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Original poster

Do you become "invisible" in middle age?

255 replies

blebbleb · 15/12/2022 10:50

I'm 38 so not quite there yet but as I'm getting older I'm worrying about becoming invisible and ignored as I get older. I'm fairly attractive and I'm worried this is my main redeeming feature and I'm boring otherwise! I do have a good job, friends, and family too. Hoping to hear stories where this isn't the case!

OP posts:
redjellyshoes · 15/12/2022 13:41

HotSauceCommittee · 15/12/2022 11:07

Yes and I don't miss the hassle, but I am certainly seeing men in a new light, professionally speaking. Male colleagues' eyes glaze over sometimes when we are talking about a work issue and they are far more interested in what my younger and prettier female colleagues have to say. That's the only thing that annoys me. These male professionals don't know that they are doing it. They might as well have their tongues hanging out.
I've recently moved to a department where most people are older, and I get a lot more of, "oh that's good: you have a bit of life experience behind you and xxx years in x department."
It's a relief and less of a battle professionally.
It's mad. I don't miss the attention of the male gaze, but I see men in a different way now and cannot believe that they attain higher positions than the women with this going on. It just looks all so obvious to me now. They are so transparent and it's taken me 50 years and the loss of my youthful looks to see it.

Oh god, I don’t feel like I’ve ever had people listen to me at work (literally someone recently said “sorry, I just drifted off while you were talking”, although to be fair it was a woman not a man). If that gets worse as you get older then there’s no hope for me.

scoobydoo1971 · 15/12/2022 13:41

I fully endorse tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz. At 51 and with evident health problems, I never had trouble attracting attention off mankind, and I am not invisible in my career either.

Life is what you make it, and if your perception of your value in this world is your age, and what other people think of you then it is on very shaky foundations. You have to like yourself and smile. Most people can manage that at any age, but I find it easier with age. The insecurities of youth are long in the past, and I don't care to find my validation in if other people find my attractive or not. My boyfriend says that makes me confident and fun to be around, and I am raising my kids with the same don't care attitude.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 15/12/2022 13:43

I'm 37 and pretty much invisible but I'm quite comfortable with it. I don't like the attention. I'm also v short so actually well under the eyeline

Catspyjamas17 · 15/12/2022 13:48

I'm 47 and don't feel invisible at all. In fact I feel listened to, seen, respected and taken seriously in a way that I wasn't when I was under 25 at all, and which increased gradually after that age. I've never given a flying monkeys whether men find me attractive. I don't get hassle now like I did in my teens and 20s, thank god.

FKATondelayo · 15/12/2022 13:51

Why would anyone want random male attention? It's all very "being wolf whistled at is so validating!" Surely if you've been on this earth more than 3 decades you must have more to your character than "Men! please think I'm pretty!"

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 15/12/2022 13:54

Oh I was thinking invisible socially. I'm not at work - just respected for the work I do, but socially, walking around, out on a night out etc.

unclebuck · 15/12/2022 13:55

I did, it has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. Bliss. If I woke up aged 13 tomorrow I do not think I could do it again.

FKATondelayo · 15/12/2022 13:58

I think being invisible is better than a few of the situations I've had where young men walk behind me (long hair, short skirt) and turn to smile and then clock my 48 year old face and recoil, horrified.

lugeforlife · 15/12/2022 14:02

I was never visible - like pps pretty enough but fat and not confident. I am now late 40s and professionally I am probably the most respected I ever have been although I know I do fit in a box (I'm not very polished and quite informal so I am viewed competent with a slice of mumsy).

My mum on the other hand found her 40s very hard as she'd always been the petite pretty lady. She found being moved into the mumsy box very hard - this was the 80s so being 40 was seen differently from now.

Greyarea12 · 15/12/2022 14:09

Tintime2022 · 15/12/2022 11:05

You most certainly are middle-aged. Most people do not live beyond 70 statistically and therefore at 35 you are well into middle-age and this is the enormous mistake that people make in the 35 years following the 35th birthday they do not realise how little time they have.
I’ve been to 2 funerals this year of women in their late 40s

Fucking hell.. at 36 I have never thought, better get a move on, times running out 🏃‍♀️

Catspyjamas17 · 15/12/2022 14:09

Oh I was thinking invisible socially. I'm not at work - just respected for the work I do, but socially, walking around, out on a night out etc

How do you know/why should you care whether you are noticed on a night out? I'm too busy chatting with friends to notice what anyone else is doing or whether they are noticing me.

EmmaAgain22 · 15/12/2022 14:10

redjellyshoes · 15/12/2022 13:41

Oh god, I don’t feel like I’ve ever had people listen to me at work (literally someone recently said “sorry, I just drifted off while you were talking”, although to be fair it was a woman not a man). If that gets worse as you get older then there’s no hope for me.

Show quote history

Oh dear
this is more about reading the room though surely?

that's pretty full on that someone said that to you. I'm divided between thinking she was very rude, and thinking you might benefit from coaching.

one of my friends is at director level and she said the methods she learnt on "acting for reality TV" have served her well at day long meetings, which I can believe.

EmmaAgain22 · 15/12/2022 14:12

Greyarea12 · 15/12/2022 14:09

Fucking hell.. at 36 I have never thought, better get a move on, times running out 🏃‍♀️

Show quote history

It really isn't, the numbers living into 80s are terrifying.

i'm hoping to get caught in sniper alley but probably better if mum goes first!

EndlessRain1 · 15/12/2022 14:12

well you do get checked out less I'd say. I've noticed that already and I am you age. But I have become more confident and outspoken with age and I think people respond to that, in a positive way. Rather than worry about what's to come, focus on what's good about you other than your looks. Selfworth comes from within!

EndlessRain1 · 15/12/2022 14:13

Oh, and at work I am noticed/ respected more rather than less. With age comes experience and seniority.

Squashpocket · 15/12/2022 14:14

Definitely noticed that if you are willing to add 'mumsy' to your list of qualities people are much more willing to tolerate you around the workplace. I think men and younger women are more comfortable with where older women fit in to their workplace/lives if we are willing to play the mum role. They aren't particularly interested in us as actual people, just nice, warm shoulders to cry on. Sad but there you go.

EmmaAgain22 · 15/12/2022 14:15

Squashpocket · 15/12/2022 14:14

Definitely noticed that if you are willing to add 'mumsy' to your list of qualities people are much more willing to tolerate you around the workplace. I think men and younger women are more comfortable with where older women fit in to their workplace/lives if we are willing to play the mum role. They aren't particularly interested in us as actual people, just nice, warm shoulders to cry on. Sad but there you go.

I've been the shoulder to cry on since I was 19! I consciously realised and put a stop to it c40.

redjellyshoes · 15/12/2022 14:17

EmmaAgain22 · 15/12/2022 14:10

Oh dear
this is more about reading the room though surely?

that's pretty full on that someone said that to you. I'm divided between thinking she was very rude, and thinking you might benefit from coaching.

one of my friends is at director level and she said the methods she learnt on "acting for reality TV" have served her well at day long meetings, which I can believe.

Show quote history

I think it’s a bit of both! My confidence is rock bottom in my current role and I doubt that is helping my performance. But equally I think however you look at it she was extremely rude.

SpentDandelion · 15/12/2022 14:18

No, not at all.
I am 54, tall, slim, lucky with my genetics, and still get lots of nice compliments from males and females. The difference is l no longer need them, approval is no longer necessary. I approve myself, that's all that matters.
I have a very warm personality, am cheerful, and very comfortable with myself, l work in a busy store and there are plenty of customers l try and avoid on a daily basis because they 're a nuisance basically. I think a lot of shop staff have same issues.

Thepeopleversuswork · 15/12/2022 14:21

Squashpocket · 15/12/2022 14:14

Definitely noticed that if you are willing to add 'mumsy' to your list of qualities people are much more willing to tolerate you around the workplace. I think men and younger women are more comfortable with where older women fit in to their workplace/lives if we are willing to play the mum role. They aren't particularly interested in us as actual people, just nice, warm shoulders to cry on. Sad but there you go.

Fuck that. I have a child, I wasn't put on this earth to mother fully grown men and women.

They aren't particularly interested in us as actual people, just nice, warm shoulders to cry on. Sad but there you go.

Speak for yourself. I am 50 and my colleagues are interested in me for my experience and the fact that I'm good at my job. Not as some overpaid corporate wet nurse.

If you cultivate the perception that you are a support human to adults you reap what you sow.

interstatelovesong · 15/12/2022 14:22

NoShitHemlock · 15/12/2022 11:38

I am another who has always been invisible due to being fat. In my experience being invisible does have its advantages - I have (very fortunately) never been harassed by a man in the street or been sexually assaulted. I have never been the victim of unwanted attention.

What I have noticed however is that the older I get (47 and 3 quarters) the more I refuse to be invisible to those arsehole men who try to barrel over me. I love a game of street chicken (when a bloke is walking directly towards you and expects you to veer off. Trust me mate, I am going to do you WAY more damage than you would do me...). Or in a queue when I have been waiting ages and someone decides to push in front. Or in a meeting in work when actually I am the one who is the specialist on this subject, and quite frankly your mansplaining wont cut it.

Also I wear comfy shoes ALL THE TIME and no one notices or cares! This has to be one of the best things about invisibility.

Ha! I do this now

Am I fuck meekly moving out of the way for arrogant men

mamabear715 · 15/12/2022 14:58

Ooh, it's lovely!
To be able to walk down a road without fear of tripping over a matchstick & looking an idiot, (as I probably did when young). To be able to wear the clothes I want to wear & not HAVE to keep up with fashion - I think I've shrunk a bit & filled out quite a lot, lol, so I can wear cutesy things now that make me happy, fluffy & animally design! ;-)
Think Converse too, instead of heels! Bright colours - can't disappear in those!
I LOVE your comment, @WhaleInAManger - be more dog - I think (and my kids say) I'm part labrador, bounding around, full of the joys of Spring!

Notthetoothfairy · 15/12/2022 14:59

Who said that?

HamBone · 15/12/2022 15:31

Given that women are generally having children later, I really hope we don't get caught in sniper's alley, as there'll be alot of teenaged or younger orphans. 🙁

The attention that my DD (17) receives, due to her figure, has disgusted me at times. Since around 13, she's had significant male attention, including men old enough to be her grandfather. I'm a slighter build and didn't fully appreciate just how horrible it is for women with larger chests. She's been quite scared at times. 😡

AppleDumplingWithCustard · 15/12/2022 15:36

Tintime2022 · 15/12/2022 11:05

You most certainly are middle-aged. Most people do not live beyond 70 statistically and therefore at 35 you are well into middle-age and this is the enormous mistake that people make in the 35 years following the 35th birthday they do not realise how little time they have.
I’ve been to 2 funerals this year of women in their late 40s

What a load of bollocks. Statistically the median age of death for women in the UK is almost 86 years and for men, 82 years. So you’ve been to two funerals of people in their forties? That means nothing. I’ve been to three funerals this year. One aged 83, one aged 81 and one aged 100. So what.