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Original poster

Do you become "invisible" in middle age?

255 replies

blebbleb · 15/12/2022 10:50

I'm 38 so not quite there yet but as I'm getting older I'm worrying about becoming invisible and ignored as I get older. I'm fairly attractive and I'm worried this is my main redeeming feature and I'm boring otherwise! I do have a good job, friends, and family too. Hoping to hear stories where this isn't the case!

OP posts:
PurpleParrotfish · 15/12/2022 15:57

I’ve just realised that in my head there’s an extra age category between young adulthood and middle age, it goes:
Young (in your late teens/twenties)
Full on parenting stage, where at the beginning you’re not old but feel about 100, then it eases off
Middle aged (between your kids being teenagers and them having their own kids / you retiring)
Old but still active
Elderly
Although I realise it doesn’t work for people who don’t have kids and people have them at different ages, that’s definitely the way I mentally divide up life stages.

angharadsgoat · 15/12/2022 16:01

So you’ve been to two funerals of people in their forties? That means nothing. I’ve been to three funerals this year. One aged 83, one aged 81 and one aged 100. So what.

You're not mistaken in your point. I've attended more funerals of older people in their 60s onward.

Though 40+ is the snipers alley age and my friends and I have discussed how sobering it is to be attending more funerals of our peers now. I have attended a couple myself, of people in their 40s, sadly.

Annabel073 · 15/12/2022 16:08

Mercurian · 15/12/2022 12:47

How is 65 middle aged?! do people live to 130?

I think of the continuum as broken into three periods - early, middle and late. Most people in my family have lived to their early nineties.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 15/12/2022 16:13

First, "middle age" is the middle of adulthood, not the middle of lifespan. So, say we live on average to age 80, middle age starts at age 50.

Second, the invisibility factor is not merely about male attention or being attractive to men. It's about being overlooked in general, in the workplace, socially, while being served at retail or commercial establishments, etc. I find shopkeepers less attentive, younger co-workers more dismissive, my older male boss more dismissive, etc., since I gained weight and went grey after 50.

Also finding that tradesmen are more condescending compared to when I was young, slim and cute, and even younger relatives; my cousin tried last summer to keep me off a ladder I was about to climb to wash windows, as though I am now some shaky frail senior citizen. (I'm 59).

Fairy22 · 15/12/2022 16:50

I've just secured a position as a private investigator as I'm of that age where I can just fade into the background. Ideal for following people as no one gives a second glance

Rummikub · 15/12/2022 16:54

HotSauceCommittee · 15/12/2022 11:07

Yes and I don't miss the hassle, but I am certainly seeing men in a new light, professionally speaking. Male colleagues' eyes glaze over sometimes when we are talking about a work issue and they are far more interested in what my younger and prettier female colleagues have to say. That's the only thing that annoys me. These male professionals don't know that they are doing it. They might as well have their tongues hanging out.
I've recently moved to a department where most people are older, and I get a lot more of, "oh that's good: you have a bit of life experience behind you and xxx years in x department."
It's a relief and less of a battle professionally.
It's mad. I don't miss the attention of the male gaze, but I see men in a different way now and cannot believe that they attain higher positions than the women with this going on. It just looks all so obvious to me now. They are so transparent and it's taken me 50 years and the loss of my youthful looks to see it.

Yes definitely this! It’s so clear and obvious to see once you turn 50.

angharadsgoat · 15/12/2022 17:20

I won't miss the sleazy men but shop assistants and others paying less attention, and that sort of thing I wouldn't have expected.

Though, now I think of it, one of my friends knocks a few years off her age, usually five. I say it's unnecessary as she's almost late 40s but very blessed in the looks department, slim, beautiful face and hair. This will just disappear when she's 50, and she looks my age, but she insists it's necessary in a work and socialising capacity and she's felt patronised on revealing her real age in the past.

EmmaAgain22 · 15/12/2022 17:21

PurpleParrotfish · 15/12/2022 15:57

I’ve just realised that in my head there’s an extra age category between young adulthood and middle age, it goes:
Young (in your late teens/twenties)
Full on parenting stage, where at the beginning you’re not old but feel about 100, then it eases off
Middle aged (between your kids being teenagers and them having their own kids / you retiring)
Old but still active
Elderly
Although I realise it doesn’t work for people who don’t have kids and people have them at different ages, that’s definitely the way I mentally divide up life stages.

Yes, I don't have kids and my brain is sort of

under 40 - young

40 - 50 dunno - just not young?!

50-65 middle aged.

though I call myself middle aged at 46. That's recent though.

angharadsgoat · 15/12/2022 17:21

Will not just disappear at age 50 Shock. Is what I meant to say.

Annabel073 · 15/12/2022 17:30

First, "middle age" is the middle of adulthood, not the middle of lifespan. So, say we live on average to age 80, middle age starts at age 50.

In your opinion. I don't agree. Some people would describe 50 as 'elderly' so we all differ.

Rummikub · 15/12/2022 17:35

50 is elderly ??

Annabel073 · 15/12/2022 17:37

Rummikub · 15/12/2022 17:35

50 is elderly ??

I don't consider it to be but some still do consider it old, for sure.

DesertIslandCondiment · 15/12/2022 17:38

Annabel073 · 15/12/2022 17:37

I don't consider it to be but some still do consider it old, for sure.

Show quote history

How old you?

DesertIslandCondiment · 15/12/2022 17:39

Are you FFS

Itaintwhatyoudoitsthewaythatyoudoit · 15/12/2022 17:39

I’m in my mid to late 40s and I have noticed it.
Im kit in the group of posters who think it’s blissful. I find it depressing. There was a time I always had men approaching, making small talk on a night out. Now it doesn’t happen. I am a size bigger and my face has wrinkles. I look old. I think so much of my time has passed me by. It’s only going to get worse. I don’t like it at all.

BessieSurtees · 15/12/2022 17:40

50 elderly? fucking hell

maybe in the eyes of my 10 year old granddaughter 😂👧🏼

50 is not elderly

Annabel073 · 15/12/2022 17:40

DesertIslandCondiment · 15/12/2022 17:38

How old you?

Show quote history

50 - so elderly. Grin

Apollonia1 · 15/12/2022 17:43

I'm 50, but definitely don't feel middle-aged (even though, I guess I technically am). The fact I have twin toddlers keeps me young.

I noticed in late-40s, that I'm becoming invisible.

Nosecamera · 15/12/2022 17:50

But when you get there it may well feel like a blessing or you sisterly don't give a fuck because you are indeed middle aged.

EmmaAgain22 · 15/12/2022 17:58

Annabel073 · 15/12/2022 17:30

First, "middle age" is the middle of adulthood, not the middle of lifespan. So, say we live on average to age 80, middle age starts at age 50.

In your opinion. I don't agree. Some people would describe 50 as 'elderly' so we all differ.

I don't know anyone who would think that. In their world, Sheryl Crow and Kylie Minogue would be elderly. Must be a joke.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 15/12/2022 17:59

Fairy22 · 15/12/2022 16:50

I've just secured a position as a private investigator as I'm of that age where I can just fade into the background. Ideal for following people as no one gives a second glance

What a great way to turn it to your advantage! I may look into that!

Cheekymaw · 15/12/2022 18:03

I'm 52 and yes I have found that the harassment has stopped which amazing! Men are bloody annoying pests at times and it's good not to be sexualised

Thepeopleversuswork · 15/12/2022 18:08

Itaintwhatyoudoitsthewaythatyoudoit · 15/12/2022 17:39

I’m in my mid to late 40s and I have noticed it.
Im kit in the group of posters who think it’s blissful. I find it depressing. There was a time I always had men approaching, making small talk on a night out. Now it doesn’t happen. I am a size bigger and my face has wrinkles. I look old. I think so much of my time has passed me by. It’s only going to get worse. I don’t like it at all.

There was a time I always had men approaching, making small talk on a night out.

Of all the reasons to miss your youth, beery-breathed leches staggering over to try to cop a feel isn't top of my list....

Moonatics · 15/12/2022 18:08

I'm 53 and plump and grey and bolshy and I still get "brushed past " have been groped three times this year, have had many many comments, so many comments. I'm wishing my bloody life away hoping that one day very soon I'll be invisible. I cant do much more to make myself invisible, I was blonde pre covid, decided to finally embrace the grey, thinking "this will be the point I become invisible" but no. I'm not even pretty ffs.

Thereisnolight · 15/12/2022 18:14

If you define yourself as sexy and beautiful and pert and cheeky and perky and cute etc etc etc then you’ll feel invisible as you age.

If you gracefully give up your youth and move to taking an experienced leadership role in your community - parenting, teaching, organising, managing etc - you won’t be invisible at all.

Similarly if older men still try to play for Arsenal or get upset when they can’t skateboard as well as the local teens they’ll end up feeling invisible and disappointed.

it’s called maturity.