Do you become "invisible" in middle age?

[blebbleb]

I'm 38 so not quite there yet but as I'm getting older I'm worrying about becoming invisible and ignored as I get older. I'm fairly attractive and I'm worried this is my main redeeming feature and I'm boring otherwise! I do have a good job, friends, and family too. Hoping to hear stories where this isn't the case!

I'm more visible now at 45 than I was a decade ago. Think it's mostly due to how I project myself and my own confidence. Getting over divorce and rebuilding a life has been monumental.

I don't believe myself to be remotely attractive. I'm also pretty overweight and tall. Maybe that's what they're noticing!

I wouldn't know if someone was trying to chat me up, I just assume friendliness!

I feel more visible now that I’m older. Earlier in my life I was visible only as totty. Boring. Now I Feel visible as a person, it’s iso much much much more rewarding.
no comparison.

For a second I thought that was breathtakingly harsh, but having experienced similar I think you're right.

In my sixties now. Don't know how that happened overnight either, but anyway!

Keep myself clean, tidy and not scary looking. That's it. Being invisible is great really and you can get away with doing odd things and no one cares or gives you a second look.

Like a pp I also find people are very open and friendly to me, since I suppose I am no longer a threat to their partners and do not upstage them with the frippery of youth and its trends and fashions.

I am thoroughly enjoying my third age. Had a major health scare in 2021, but thankfully feel great and energetic again, so I'm embracing my good health while I still can.

@mast0650 I agree with this! I'm 48, not in bad nick for my age, and people seem to like me. I suppose I'm seen as no threat to anyone, I smile alot and generally give off friendly vibes.

The people who irritate me though are the older men (55-plus) who chat me up. Sorry, but I'm not interested in being your younger gf or looking after you. I have a DH close to my own age and a visible wedding ring, thank you!

The male ego never ceases to amaze me. 😂

You only become invisible in middle age if a) you believe the shit about women having a sell-by date and b) you hang around with other people who believe that shit too.

It's totally a mindset thing. If you surround yourself with narrow-minded arseholes your perception will be funnelled through them.

I think this line in your OP worrying:

I'm fairly attractive and I'm worried this is my main redeeming feature and I'm boring otherwise!

Think about this statement and what it says about you:

a) You're fairly attractive: what does attractive mean? If you think it means you have nice hair, a slim figure, nice nails etc then yes you will have a sell-by date. Emphasis on those sorts of values is a fool's errand. It won't survive middle age (and it probably won't survive having children). Attractiveness is much more than that. No one ever became attractive because of how well they have presented themselves. It's your personality, your confidence, your intelligence, what you project about yourself, your interests and your values
b) Who gets to decide if you're attractive? I'm 50 and I have never felt as attractive as I am now. Because I have confidence and independence and I know what I want and I like myself. My skin may not be in the prime condition that it was when I was 22 but by God I like myself a lot more. I don't allow my value to be defined by what some random bloke thinks or how I measure up to other women in my office or what women on Instagram look like.
c) Are you really boring other than your looks? I very much doubt it. There's always something interesting about people, its just a case of teasing it out. Who says your boring? Or which inner voice are you listening to? Because you need to shut it/them out
d) If you are genuinely boring other than your looks then now is the time to start finding out who you are. Cultivate some interests. Educate yourself. Find friends who aren't shallow and who will genuinely support you.

Again, its all in the head, this stuff and it sounds as if you're your own worst enemy. Sort out the way you see yourself and the rest will fall into place.

@Doliveira You've phrased it perfectly. We're now visible as people, not totty, and it's liberating. People talk to me and seem to value my opinion more now...aside from the few leary older men.

I think, going back to middle age, snipers alley is between 40 and 50?

Sorry, that's not very cheery either.

To a certain extent - but it's great! You stop becoming an object of harassment and objectification for every knuckle-dragging arsehole out there. You can sit in a pub in peace without anyone hassling you. I actually find it quite liberating. Most women I know are waaay more comfortable in their own skin in their 40s/50s than they ever were in their 20's.

I'm def invisible. And I love it my friend is same age as me and def isn't! I think she will find ageing harder than me as she is a lot about style and looks

Fookin hell 😂

Yes, I don't like the random men staring. As I've got older (late 30s now) I've noticed the age range of men who stare has gone up so now includes much older men, unless it always did and I hadn't noticed.

I pretend not to notice, or if prolonged eye contact is also made give them one of my dismissive looks. I don't ever feel flattered by it, as I assume they do it a lot, just irritated.

How can you be well into middle age at 35 if you are exactly middle age by your calculations? What happens when you turn 36? Elderly?

Yes and it's wonderful!!

what do you mean by invisible? If it’s being thought of as attractive by men (and other women) then I literally couldn’t care less as I’m not one of those who define myself by my looks, put in loads of make up etc. actually, I’m quite introverted so becoming ‘invisible’ sounds quite nice 😂. The one thing I do worry about is work prospects. I have a lot of experience in my field, but am aware I’m going from one of the youngest to oldest and there are a lot of 20 somethings around. I work in tech. I like being more experienced but worry if I went for another job it’s getting towards the time where I could get passed over for someone younger. I’m your age OP.

Yes definitely. In my 50’s now. was attractive once, not so much anymore. 😂I was out with my 16 year old daughter the other day and noticed how much male attention she got, the male shop assistants staring at her even older men 🤢She didn’t seem to notice though.

Not just male attention though but on line too.. I noticed when commenting on Twitter about someone on love island someone said “oh look the middle aged Facebook mums are commenting and they’re probably the ones who are voting” like only young peoples opinions count !

@Tintime2022 most people do live beyond 70! Thought average life expectancy for women is 80 or something?

I'm in my mid 50s and became invisible when I stopped dyeing my hair about 5 years ago. Grey hair and an ageing body have turned out to be a handy automatic filtering system that removes a lot of superficial, sexist and ageist people from my life. It's easier now to get on with my life, doing things I enjoy and spending time with people who share my interests.

To be honest, it took me a while to get used to it, and it did affect my self esteem and confidence for a bit, but I think that's a common reaction to the changes of middle age, for men as well as women.

I've been sexually harrassed a lot in the past and assaulted twice, so it's a relief to mostly go unnoticed by the kind of men who do that. I feel much less worried about walking my dog alone, travelling home late on public transport, or just wondering whether I was sending the wrong signals to men. It's lovely not to have to waste so much energy on all of those worries.

Mmm I do think there's something in this especially in terms of the opposite sex.

In a service environment for example - I am and always have been someone who when ordering a coffee or asking for assistance will always use my manners, a cheerful voice and expression and often share brief but pleasant small talk. When my server or person I'm asking for assistance is female it's mostly reciprocated.

When that person is a young man (circa under 40) it never is. Infact I get the absolute bare minimum acknowledgment they can get away with almost bordering on rude.

It's weird.

Really well put, can definitely relate to this

When that person is a young man (circa under 40) it never is. Infact I get the absolute bare minimum acknowledgment they can get away with almost bordering on rude.

@tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz had varied experiences. Some young men seem to view me like their Mum and make a fuss of me. I imagine I'll move into the Granny role in a few years.😂

I feel less invisible to many men now im 46 because although I'm more overweight I take more care over my looks & I'm more confident than I used to be which means i probably seem more approachable.

@HotSauceCommittee i can just imagine this happening, i WFH so don’t have to deal with all that sh* in the office luckily. What makes me cringe more (and I witnessed this and unfortunately was part of it in my 20’s) are the women who play up to it, rather than just concentrating at being good at their job

this is the enormous mistake that people make in the 35 years following the 35th birthday they do not realise how little time they have.

I'd argue that this is not the greatest mistake at all. That it is the greatest gift.

Personally, I'd much prefer to live all my days completely unconcerned with my own mortality. It'll happen whether I think on it or not.

Be more dog

Yes there are those, refer to me as "love"