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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you become "invisible" in middle age?

255 replies

blebbleb · 15/12/2022 10:50

I'm 38 so not quite there yet but as I'm getting older I'm worrying about becoming invisible and ignored as I get older. I'm fairly attractive and I'm worried this is my main redeeming feature and I'm boring otherwise! I do have a good job, friends, and family too. Hoping to hear stories where this isn't the case!

OP posts:
converseandjeans · 15/12/2022 11:49

I'm 50s now but never really had lots of attention. That suits me as some women have to put up with a load of unwanted attention.

The comments women are making about being overlooked professionally based on looks shows just how shallow men can be.

Do you really want to be visible?

Usernamen · 15/12/2022 12:05

Dreamsoffreedomjoyandpeace · 15/12/2022 11:44

I’m fifty, look between 5 and 10 years younger depending on how tired I am, petite, pretty. I still receive a lot of attention but mainly from older men. But then I don’t much look at younger men in case they think I’m weird.

As others have said, women smile at me more now because I’m not a threat. I think if you’re middle aged then you’ll still get attention if you dress up and wear makeup but I feel that I look aesthetically pleasing rather than sexy. But that might be because I had an early menopause and don’t feel at all sexy!

This might explain why a woman (mid-thirties, pretty) at my coffee shop gives me the worst evil looks. I don’t know this woman, never spoken to her, and she is never with a husband/boyfriend so I couldn’t be a threat even if I wanted to be. I’m early thirties (maybe look a bit younger) and a lot less pretty than her, so there’s really no sense to it.

If getting older means people smile at you more, then I’m here for it!

DPotter · 15/12/2022 12:13

being small and never been particularly pretty so I probably didn't get much 'attention' anyway. Like Zelda I've noticed the occasional attention from much younger men - half my age or so, which I find quite amusing.

I do believe older women are much less noticed by men in some areas of life, but I have also noticed younger women seeking out my approval and support, not in a sexual way, but professionally which is good for the ol' self esteem!

smilesmilesmilesmile · 15/12/2022 12:24

You can be invisible or not. I find wearing bright clothes and skipping around shrieking yippeeeee baileys is down to a tenner gets me noticed quite abit😏

ChristmasCaroline · 15/12/2022 12:27

I’m early 40s, very mumsy, fat and frumpy.

i don’t get men chatting me up at all. But I wouldn’t say I’m invisible.

i work in IT so there are more men, and I am not treated as invisible by colleagues, but with respect. None of them are chatting me up though, but as I’m married with a son, I don’t mind that at all.

BloodyHellKen · 15/12/2022 12:29

mast0650 · 15/12/2022 11:16

In fact, one thing I have noticed as I get older is that more people make eye contact and smile at me (of all genders, ages, but possibly more noticeably women). I seem to have got more approachable and friendlier looking as I get older!

At 52 I've also noticed this @mast0650 and have also come to the conclusion that I must look more approachable now than I did when I was younger (not that I looked scary then!) I've got long silver hair so maybe I now look like a kindly granny 😂I am also a lot more confident than when I was younger so I think that helps you look happier/approachable too.

To answer your original question OP. I don't get chatted up anymore by men, but then I'm not out in places where men would chat me up like pubs/clubs etc like I used to be when I was younger and I'm not looking to be chatted up either. I've not noticed being invisible to other people but I'm almost 6ft so not very easy to ignore.

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 15/12/2022 12:29

Yes is the honest answer. Have a look around next time you're out and see who you notice and don't notice.

KangarooKenny · 15/12/2022 12:30

Yep, I’m pretty Invisible to my kids too, which actually hurts the most.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 15/12/2022 12:32

Yep.

I am 59 and could rob a bank in broad daylight without anyone taking notice.

BloodyHellKen · 15/12/2022 12:34

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 15/12/2022 12:29

Yes is the honest answer. Have a look around next time you're out and see who you notice and don't notice.

I disagree and think generally people tend to notice their own age group most.

If I'm walking around with my children they will notice the teenagers who I tend to 'glaze over'. However, I notice the middle aged and older adults because I identify with that age group most and I'm most likely to speak with them. Likewise my children don't tend to notice anyone older than about 25 and I can remember doing the same when I was their age.

Marigoldandivy · 15/12/2022 12:35

Generally it is nicer being invisible, but the one drawback is that people see you as safe to approach and ask directions. This happens to me all the time, here in the UK and abroad. I have a really terrible sense of direction.😂

Mumof1andacat · 15/12/2022 12:38

What is being visible? What do I need to be visible for and to who?

PuppyMonkey · 15/12/2022 12:38

I think there’s a definite element of truth to this - tbf I think the same is true of middle aged men. I’m 56. I was in Morrisons cafe the other day and sat and ate my own sandwiches as it was nice and warm in there, don’t think anybody noticed me or that I’d not bought the sandwiches from the counter. Yay.

We’d all be really good on the BBC programme Traitors. Grin

glasshole · 15/12/2022 12:40

I'm 43 and have gained weight over the last 3 years. I'm now about 16-17 stone. I have absolutely EMBRACED being overlooked by men. And it is only a certain type of man, the ones looking to get their end away or that don't typically respect women anyway. It's been refreshing and it's also really given me more confidence to speak out and say something when I see younger girls being hounded. Ii used to think i actually enjoyed that sort of attention but as I've gotten older I have realised I was raised by a society that believes that I should be grateful for being wanted by a man.

I think lock down has changed women across the world. We've rejected a good few of the things that seemed perfectly normal to us before hand. That 12-18 month break has seen a good few of ditch high heels, full face make up, hair removal etc. I think it's wonderful.

We should never have had to strap spikey stilettos to our feet, get synthetic plastic finger extensions and paint our faces in gaudy colours just to feel like we have a value and so can participate in the world.

Lovageandrose · 15/12/2022 12:42

I'm fairly attractive and I'm worried this is my main redeeming feature

Is this a parody???? 😂😂😂

Mercurian · 15/12/2022 12:44

Lovageandrose · 15/12/2022 12:42

I'm fairly attractive and I'm worried this is my main redeeming feature

Is this a parody???? 😂😂😂

Why would you say that? I thought it was refreshingly honest. If you're known for your looks and we all know good looks open doors, it is harder to deal with changing bodies/fading looks.

Annabel073 · 15/12/2022 12:45

Heliumburgers · 15/12/2022 11:44

You're already middle aged, can't tell if stealth boost or classic mumsnrt pretending you aren't middle aged till 80.
Anyway, good for you that you don't look middle aged yet but yes when you do you'll find yourself overlooked.

Yep. In my mind, from, 35 to 65 years = middle aged.

Baobuns · 15/12/2022 12:45

Honestly don't think this is true sorry. If you're beautiful, you're beautiful, whatever your age.
Some (creepy) men will only want a 20 year old but that says more about them.
I was looking at Cindy Crawford the other day (yes I know she's had some work) she clearly looks older than her 90s modelling days but she looks beautiful still. She has great hair, fantastic figure, nice smile, and looks after her skin clearly. She's 57 and I bet she turns a lot of heads.
Miranda Kerr is 40 in March and looks late 20s.
I know they're models and they've had work but my point is that you don't become some sort of hideous shrivelled frump because you're over 40.

Mercurian · 15/12/2022 12:47

How is 65 middle aged?! do people live to 130?

JaneJeffer · 15/12/2022 12:48

smilesmilesmilesmile · 15/12/2022 12:24

You can be invisible or not. I find wearing bright clothes and skipping around shrieking yippeeeee baileys is down to a tenner gets me noticed quite abit😏

Grin
HangryBerd · 15/12/2022 12:51

I find I'm more invisible with women in middle age. For example, new (younger female) colleagues in the office blanking me and making a beeline for my male counterparts. (Younger female) staff in shops and cafés ignoring me when I'm queuing and going to serve the man or couple stood behind me.

EmmaAgain22 · 15/12/2022 12:53

NoelNoNoel · 15/12/2022 11:46

I used to get a ridiculous amount of male attention when I was younger but fortunately it all stopped when I got married at 27. I’m 53 now and find people are very friendly towards me which is really nice.

Is that because you go a lot of places with your husband though?

OP I am 46. Nothing much has changed - but a lone woman is always a target, whether men are just bored and want to chat, or genuinely creepy and want to practice chat up lines for younger women on women my age.

Being short also makes you more of a target, I find.

Baobuns · 15/12/2022 12:55

I'm 31 and sometimes get random dirty looks from women in the street or women at work being unfriendly for no reason whatsoever. Now when I see women in the street doing it I usually just give them a big smile on purpose. This will probably wane when I'm no longer seen as a 'threat'

HelenHywater · 15/12/2022 12:56

I think your problem OP is that you appear to almost define yourself by your attractiveness or you somehow see that as your main selling point. And of course, youth is a big factor in perceptions of attractiveness. You will become more invisible to younger men (and even some older men) as you get older - we all do.

I'd say you need to rethink what your good points are and focus on them. I'm sure you're not boring, and there is more to you than your looks.

But that's why really gorgeous people struggle with ageing maybe?

I am more objectively speaking attractive in middle age than I was as a young woman. And I'm thinner now, and dress better and have more confidence and self belief. Like other posters, I get more attention from everyone now - women and men. I am pretty much ignored by 20 and 30 something men in a sexual way, but that's fine - I'm not interested in them! And it's a relief not to be have all that hassle anymore. I still get attention from middle aged and older men! I don't feel invisible - I dress better now, I am more senior at work, more confident, and happier.

Greenfairydust · 15/12/2022 13:00

Why do you need validation from men in general solely based on your appearance? why do you care?

If you only value yourself based on how much random men are staring at you, I suggest you work on your general self-esteem.

I don't get that being ''invisible'' nonsense...