GRANDMA took her chocolate back

[Myblummin]

So, my narcissistic, gaslighting, stonewalling, master manipulater mother and enabling father turned up unannounced yesterday.

I've learnt to deal with them by being civil and not emotionally involved so they can't pull my strings.

She has no relationship with our child who is three. When they knocked my child went to answer the door. When she saw it was them she ran off and hid in the living room crying. Then when they came in she continued to cry so Grandma said look at what I've bought you. It was a four pack of white chocolate. She gave her one chocolate bar out of a four pack. She reluctantly took the chocolate and stopped crying. Once finished she started crying again so Grandma gave her another chocolate bar (internally I shook my head, but I'm conditioned to not challenge her). We try to have civil conversation, but my child is sat on me and making sure I don't leave her and crying. When they said they were going my child stood up gave grandma her bag and went and opened the front door. She said bye and shut the door behind them.

After she left I noticed Grandma had taken her chocolate that she bought her.

Am I being unreasonable to be letting this irritate me. I know my child was rude by adult standards, but no need to take the chocolate back! It's just another minor aggression to add to a mountain of them. I should learn, but this time she is messing with my child.

OP has said she thinks her child ran off crying because it was a change to her routine, not because the grandparents have upset the child. And she may have ‘reluctantly’ accepted the bar, but she also stopped crying and only started again when she’d finished eating it and wanted another. If she was so upset by them surely she wouldn’t be halting her upset to accept chocolate bars.

From only what op has stated, it doesn’t sound like the grandparents did anything wrong in this specific interaction.

when relationships with parents are out of kilter you don’t know which way is up. Often you have to focus in on a small thing, that might not make sense objectively to outsiders, in order to process the torrent of confusion they leave in their wake.

In an emotionally healthy family dynamic our dps and deep rooted family values are the ground beneath our feet. We don’t have to think too much about it. We can take a different direction but there’s still ground under your feet. But you’re floating about without any gravity and clutching at things floating past you.

@Andsoforth

This is me

If yoou know, you know.

The check the bloody windows before opening the front door. Get a ring doorbell.

Don't have any relationship with them not even a 'civil' relationship' with them.

Don't suggest family therapy with them. You get yourself individual therapy.

Yes this.

Stop engaging in the drama with them, stop making yourself a victim, and sort yourself out.

Practice saying this - Oh sorry, we're just getting ready to go out.

Then you shut the door & carry on with your day.

hi @Myblummin , I went through similar with my mother and her (enabling) partner. I had minimal contact for a few years, but it didn't work as I had interactions with her much like the one you describe in your post.

I have now gone No Contact and my life is a million times better. The trigger that made me go NC was an occasion where my mother said something to my dd that she said to me years ago (about appearance/weight). I decided there and then that I needed to protect my dc from that woman as I could not let her damage them to the extent she damaged me.

You do too.

There is no point at all considering family therapy - these women don't think there's anything wrong with them and in any case will never change. Get therapy for yourself and understand the dynamic, the abuse, and learn how to put boundaries up. If you're anything like me, you'll also get a huge amount of understanding about how your relationship with your mother and your upbringing has shaped all the other relationships in your life.

It's hard to accept that you will never have a mother that you want, that your relationship with her will never be normal, or loving, or supportive. But you do need to accept that and go No Contact. It's the only answer.

My three year old needs to go to therapy? I dont think she does. She can barely string a sentence together!!!

I'm not sure I need therapy. I've gone through the grief of not having the parents every child deserves.

I just think the only way now is to physically move so the contact is just reduced to funerals and weddings.

She clearly hasn't changed one little bit so maybe the chocolate thing has triggered me so much, because she has done it again! She hasn't changed and it's now starting with my daughter.

OP you gave them a really clear choice five years ago - therapy or NC. They went NC. Only now want to walk back in without therapy - trying to put you in your place again.

I'd be keeping my door firmly closed to both of them. As PP said, they don't get to choose the terms. You do.

She's not going to change though, this is how she deals with kids.

Read what you wrote, particularly the last paragraph. Therapy could give you the tools to protect your daughter, if nothing else.

I hoped they could be good grandparents in a low contact kind of way.

I felt it wasnt my place to alienate my child from them.

I think thats when contact restarted. When she was born, but it has been limited. Like I said earlier it was six months ago they last saw her.

I felt it wasnt my place to alienate my child from them.

You are not the child any longer, you are the mother. Its your job to recognise poor behaviour in others and put the boundaries in place. You model that for your child so they are able to do it for themselves as adults.

Therapy will give you the tools you need to be able to do this for yourself and your DD.

I do think you should get therapy OP. The chocolate thing is a perfect example. On the face of it it's such a small event. Someone who had had a healthy, loving upbringing wouldn't think twice about it. It was a multipack of chocolate gave some to DD and left with some. The fact that this has upset you so much is 100% due to the trauma of having a narcissistic parent. These are deep wounds and you're still vulnerable to her. You should absolutely go NC to avoid further damage but you also deserve to heal some of the damage which has already been done.

I actually don't want to talk about it. I'm exhausted by it.

Is there just a good book anybody can recommend to give me the tools to deal with them?

I took a look at Stately Homes thread by the way. Well, if that place isn't a good fit for me then nothing is.

It is your place to protect her from them

It’s definitely your place to protect your daughter. They are starting their messed up mind games with her now. The cycle of trauma doesn’t need to continue. In this instance, blood is definitely not thicker than water. You owe your parents absolutely nothing, nor does your daughter.

It really is as simple as cutting contact, no idea why you need to move. Tell them you're done and mean it. If your child was so upset you should have told them to leave.

And yes, I have an awful narcissistic mother who I have done the same with and I cut her out the first time she upset my child. It wasn't in my home so I left with them. Fully aware how she made me feel and didn't let her get away with it with my children for a second.

Exactly this.

You can blame your Mother for how awful she has been to you but you can't blame her for upsetting your DD because you allowed it even though you know what she's like.

OP sorry about what you're going through. Perhaps reconsider NC, if a therapist recommended it to you it is likely the best option for you. Very difficult because of the Fear, Obligation & Guilt buttons your mother has installed in you, but worth pushing through that discomfort. Your mother only cares about herself and your father is quite happy to throw you under the bus to avoid his own discomfort. Your needs do not matter to them at all. People like this actively prevent you from living the life you are entitled to have. You do not owe them anything.

This book is really useful in my opinion: www.amazon.co.uk/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703

I've also posted here before about psychotherapists Helen Villers & Katie McKenna who do podcasts specifically about narcissistic abuse. They read a letter from someone suffering at the hands of a narcissist and deconstruct the behaviour, I have found it incredibly validating and it has given me more strength when there was a recent situation when my "mother" was hospitalised. Her family were trying to put pressure on me but I was able to stay firm. In fact, I didn't go NC with her as such, she wrote me a letter (I refused to speak to her in person or on the phone) telling me to leave her alone and I thought thanks very much, that's what I'll do. Although I suspect she hasn't told her family this, or if she did, they would think I should know "she didn't mean it".

Anyway, I'd highly recommend listening to a couple of these podcasts, they put new ones out regularly podcasts.apple.com/ie/podcast/in-sight/id1613030538

Mumsnet has gone full circle with mothers and MIL’s, they now can do no wrong. Wonder if it’s because a lot of OG users are now grandparents themselves ? Hmm. Anyway. She sounds selfish and awful. But not surprised to see people saying ‘ she may have never intended to give your child All The Bars, your child is spoilt!’ Or the mumsnet bingo answers of ‘I’d give anything for my mum to be here you’re so lucky and ungrateful’ or ‘could she have early onset dementia’ ?

batshittery at its finest

I'm sorry but this appears a total over reaction to the chocolate.

I wonder if you over react generally to your in laws as you say they have no relationship with your daughter yet turned up to see you all.

Can you give examples of their bad behaviour?

Why did your DD cry when they were at the door , you said she has no relationship with them ?

I also don't understand why the chocolate has 'triggered' you , the bars were probably for your mother but she gave two of them to your DD as she was upset . .

@iwasaterribleteen it’s not her in laws, it’s her mum

Thank you

It is posts like these that make it worth while posting.