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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

GRANDMA took her chocolate back

171 replies

Myblummin · 15/12/2022 07:46

So, my narcissistic, gaslighting, stonewalling, master manipulater mother and enabling father turned up unannounced yesterday.

I've learnt to deal with them by being civil and not emotionally involved so they can't pull my strings.

She has no relationship with our child who is three. When they knocked my child went to answer the door. When she saw it was them she ran off and hid in the living room crying. Then when they came in she continued to cry so Grandma said look at what I've bought you. It was a four pack of white chocolate. She gave her one chocolate bar out of a four pack. She reluctantly took the chocolate and stopped crying. Once finished she started crying again so Grandma gave her another chocolate bar (internally I shook my head, but I'm conditioned to not challenge her). We try to have civil conversation, but my child is sat on me and making sure I don't leave her and crying. When they said they were going my child stood up gave grandma her bag and went and opened the front door. She said bye and shut the door behind them.

After she left I noticed Grandma had taken her chocolate that she bought her.

Am I being unreasonable to be letting this irritate me. I know my child was rude by adult standards, but no need to take the chocolate back! It's just another minor aggression to add to a mountain of them. I should learn, but this time she is messing with my child.

OP posts:
Lockheart · 15/12/2022 08:05

Woman turns up, gives child chocolate, and leaves? Sorry but I don't see why your child was crying because grandma arrived and gave her chocolate. It doesn't sound like there was any unpleasantness in the visit.

I understand you as an adult have a much longer history with her and it is not a good one, but you need to manage that between yourselves and keep your child out of it.

Remaker · 15/12/2022 08:05

You haven’t really explained why your child was crying the whole time. Is it because they don’t like Grandma? Is she unpleasant to them or do they know you don’t like her? Have you encouraged them to be frightened of her?

And how old is your child? Did they hand Grandma their bag and open the door as soon as Grandma mentioned leaving? That is kind of rude but it depends how old they are. The crying indicates they’re quite young.

I couldn’t get worked up over chocolate

Ducksinthebath · 15/12/2022 08:06

If the second chocolate was too much and had you internally shaking your head, why did you want her to leave the two remaining bars from the multipack? Surely that would have been much too much.

Sparkletastic · 15/12/2022 08:09

This probably isn't the most damning example of your mother's behaviour. Was your child crying because she has learned to be scared of her grandparents?

Untitledsquatboulder · 15/12/2022 08:09

Willmafrockfit · 15/12/2022 08:02

why did you think she was going to leave it

why on earth was your dc crying?

Maybe because if she does she gets fed chocolate ? I'm assuming here that the OP wouldn't let her mother in if she was directly unpleasant to her daughter.

ButterflyBiscuit · 15/12/2022 08:10

I completely "get" difficult family. But I don't get this. She turns up, gives TWO bars of chocolate and then goes. What has she actually done wrong here.

And why was the child crying? Could you comfort her? Do they always cry at visitors?

I know though when you have difficult history everything they do gets viewed through that "lens" but I'm not sure what people are seeing that is awful here.

PoseyFlump · 15/12/2022 08:12

You are focusing on the chocolate as a distraction from the real issues. There's obviously a lot of history here and if you think your child could be damaged in any way, have a good long think about what you want to do in the future. Don't let them hurt her like they've clearly hurt you.

gettingolderandgrumpier · 15/12/2022 08:16

Your issue is not the chocolate your issue is letting them in the first place that’s what upset your child . What were you taking about while your child was crying and eating chocolate? .
just don’t open the door next time !!

Badgirlriri · 15/12/2022 08:16

Lockheart · 15/12/2022 08:05

Woman turns up, gives child chocolate, and leaves? Sorry but I don't see why your child was crying because grandma arrived and gave her chocolate. It doesn't sound like there was any unpleasantness in the visit.

I understand you as an adult have a much longer history with her and it is not a good one, but you need to manage that between yourselves and keep your child out of it.

This.

You’re being petty over the chocolate. Maybe she had no intention of giving her all 4 bars.

diddl · 15/12/2022 08:17

PoseyFlump · 15/12/2022 08:12

You are focusing on the chocolate as a distraction from the real issues. There's obviously a lot of history here and if you think your child could be damaged in any way, have a good long think about what you want to do in the future. Don't let them hurt her like they've clearly hurt you.

Yup!

Pixiedust1234 · 15/12/2022 08:18

You seemed to have used all the tick boxes mn emotive words for your parents but don't seem to have taken any responsibility yourself.

Who let's a 3yr old open the front door? If you were with your child why didn't you body block and say you were about to leave and shut the door?

Why did your 3yr old cry...have your parents physically hurt her in the past or have you programmed her to automatically fear your parents?

Btw, a multipack of chocolate is for sharing. Grandma shared half with her granddaughter so in this instance Grandma did nothing wrong. You, however....

ButterflyBiscuit · 15/12/2022 08:19

On the flip side it does look like she is "making an effort."

Sometimes parents didn't parent well or how we needed/wanted. But it looks like she still wanted to see your child, and brought a gift with her and let her have 2 bars of chocolate!

It may be worth seeing a counsellor - it has done me the world of good working through my issues so now a visit is more of a neutral thing than dragging up so many emotions linked to it.

Floralnomad · 15/12/2022 08:19

If you don’t like them go NC , she has done nothing wrong in this instance aside from give your child 2 bars of chocolate . I thought you were going to say she had given the chocolate to the child and then taken them back because she wouldn’t stop crying . Your child never had the other bars in the first place .

Pondere · 15/12/2022 08:19

I say YABU gently, because it sounds like there are a lot of issues there, so you now appear to over-read every situation.

Perhaps the multipack was not all for DC. Perhaps she had meant one but saw her crying and gave another. Perhaps she forgot it’s still in her bag. There could be a myriad of reasons rather than it being done out of malice.

panko · 15/12/2022 08:21

If she'd come in and gone IVE GOT YOU 4 BARS OF CHOCOLATE then yes you have a point.

Testina · 15/12/2022 08:22

You’d rather post here to whinge about a multipack of chocolate than to ask how to not let her in to make your child cry? OK.

IAmTheFire · 15/12/2022 08:23

YABVU for allowing them into your home when they distress your toddler.

LubaLuca · 15/12/2022 08:24

gogohmm · 15/12/2022 07:52

It was a multi pack, she may have had no intention of leaving extra bars

Exactly this. Why fuss about a couple of chocolate bars? This isn't the problem.

Emotionalsupportviper · 15/12/2022 08:24

Ponoka7 · 15/12/2022 07:54

I've voted YABU, because you need to go no contact. Why does your child cry continually around them? Why are you letting them do this to the both of you?

Agree

OP - your parents are by your own admission unpleasant and manipulative.

Your mother in particular seems to have spoiled your childhood - don't let her do it to your little girll's.

The chocolate is nothing in the grand scheme of things - your child crying with distress when her GP's visit is. What on earth has happened that she has such an extreme reaction?

You have to stop this now.

KatherineJaneway · 15/12/2022 08:25

Taken the to bars she gave her or not given her the two remaining bars from the 4 pack?

LubaLuca · 15/12/2022 08:26

Presumably your daughter would have cried at any stranger coming into the house. She doesn't know these people.

How come the snap child opened the door when you weren't expecting visitors and didn't know who was there?

LubaLuca · 15/12/2022 08:27

Snap child = small child

marvellousmaple · 15/12/2022 08:28

WHy was your child crying?

SimSam · 15/12/2022 08:28

Hi, can I ask why she was crying? is it because of specific events? If so maybe you somehow need to stop or avoid visit . Is it a general reaction to grandma? If so maybe you need to find a way to make your child more comfortable

did she give the multipack and say ”here all for you” or just 1 bar? Than a 2nd?
are you annoyed she used the chocolate as a bribe?

Try to look at the situation and think over if what you are reacting to actually happened in the way you feel it happened. What you think happened will be driving what you feel. I’m encouraging you to think about it again so you can be sure your emotions are not running away from you.
your emotions are your emotions I’m not denying them. it’s just that I have learnt I sometimes misread a situation and my emotional reaction is based on an event that isn’t exactly as i think it was.

I’m sure there is a big history and I do not doubt you want the best for yourself and your daughter. I hope you can have a better day today.

silverclock222 · 15/12/2022 08:29

Ff 20 years to child saying "my mother constantly let my bully of a grandmother come and see us knowing I was scared of her - why didn't my mum protect me". OP why are you putting yourself and your child through this? The chocolate is irrelevant here.

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