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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

GRANDMA took her chocolate back

171 replies

Myblummin · 15/12/2022 07:46

So, my narcissistic, gaslighting, stonewalling, master manipulater mother and enabling father turned up unannounced yesterday.

I've learnt to deal with them by being civil and not emotionally involved so they can't pull my strings.

She has no relationship with our child who is three. When they knocked my child went to answer the door. When she saw it was them she ran off and hid in the living room crying. Then when they came in she continued to cry so Grandma said look at what I've bought you. It was a four pack of white chocolate. She gave her one chocolate bar out of a four pack. She reluctantly took the chocolate and stopped crying. Once finished she started crying again so Grandma gave her another chocolate bar (internally I shook my head, but I'm conditioned to not challenge her). We try to have civil conversation, but my child is sat on me and making sure I don't leave her and crying. When they said they were going my child stood up gave grandma her bag and went and opened the front door. She said bye and shut the door behind them.

After she left I noticed Grandma had taken her chocolate that she bought her.

Am I being unreasonable to be letting this irritate me. I know my child was rude by adult standards, but no need to take the chocolate back! It's just another minor aggression to add to a mountain of them. I should learn, but this time she is messing with my child.

OP posts:
WeepingSomnambulist · 15/12/2022 09:55

Do 3 year olds normally cry when people are in the house?

If she hardly knows them and they've never done anything to her, is it normal for her to cry when people she doesnt know are around? I wouldn't think that was typical but I've only got my 2 kids as experience.

Togoodtobeforgotten · 15/12/2022 09:58

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 15/12/2022 07:59

She might be all sorts of awful in other ways but she's done nothing wrong with this chocolate. She gave your DC two bars - you've said you internally shook your head at the second one, so why would you want your DC to be given another two bars? Why would you expect it?

Agree with this.

DreamingOfAGreenChristmas · 15/12/2022 10:00

I know my mother, if my child had behaved favourably towards her she would have left the chocolate. She conditions people. That's how she operates. You will be punished if you don't respond how she wants and you will be rewarded if you do

And this is the problem with her arriving and bribing your child with chocolate to stop crying. It isn’t the normal quick distraction against a nasty antibiotic etc amidst a healthy loving relationship, it is your Dd starting to become conditioned. Even if she was still sat on your knee.

You have tried low contact / being civil but it isn’t giving you peace of mind or emotional well being.

Time to revisit the therapist’s view? Do you have RL support? Siblings who experienced and recognise the things you recognise? A supportive partner who sees what happens objectively and is on your side?

Original poster
Myblummin · 15/12/2022 10:01

Orphlids · 15/12/2022 09:10

OP, can I recommend a Facebook group I find very useful? It’s called Necessary Family Estrangement. When you post on Mumsnet about dealing with a narcissistic parent, many of the responses will be from people who have absolutely no understanding of the incredible complexities of the situation. PPs writing things like “I don’t understand why you’re not protecting your DD from this woman,” and at the other end of the spectrum claiming your mum’s done nothing wrong. You’d be better off talking to people who have knowledge in this area.

A narcissist doesn’t do anything without carefully calculating it beforehand. Her taking the chocolate may seem innocent to some, but most likely it was done to provoke an emotional response from you. It sounds like you’ve been ‘grey-rocking’ her for some time. She will find this frustrating, and so will look for ways to make you engage on a more emotional level, providing her with the drama on which she thrives. What better way to provoke you than through your DD? And of course she has chosen a method that to an outsider would appear totally innocent.

Last Christmas, my father sent my DD a chocolate advent calendar. He didn’t send one to my DS. He was hoping that I’d be so annoyed it would provoke me into some form of contact. But I’ve been happily no-contact for a couple of years now, and I won’t ever give him the satisfaction of rising to the bait.

Perhaps it’s time you considered reducing or cutting out contact. I understand how difficult this prospect must seem, but you don’t sound happy with the status quo. Wishing you the very best of luck, OP.

Thank you for this. It is an informative, understanding and sensitive response to a complex family dynamic that I was born into.

I do realise and made all the more clearer from these responses that it is my job to protect my child from this mess.

This passive, I've given up, do what you want and I wont emotionally respond is not working either.

OP posts:
MadameMackenzie · 15/12/2022 10:05

Myblummin · 15/12/2022 09:47

My dads just phoned up, which is extremely random because he never calls (and by that I mean he NEVER, ZERO) and rewrote the narrative. He basically rewrote history that my daughter was poorly and just woke up so was upset when they visited.

God I need to get out of here.

He rang up to tell you that your child was poorly and had just woken up when they visited? Huh?

Hemax1 · 15/12/2022 10:08

I’m no contact with my mum … I understand the games.

I also understand it was difficult when you went no contact. It takes time to process exactly what went on and due to the conditioning you feel very guilty.

my eldest daughter is in limited contact with my mum ( my daughters choice ) , however she now plays the same games with her. Hence the limited contact as my daughter sees through my mums games.

my littlest two have no idea who my mum is, and after seeing the merry dance she’s led my eldest, will have very limited association with her ( family events where there is no avoiding her)

From what you’ve posted, you either need to put your boundaries in place and guard them fiercely ( which will cause upset and ‘drama’) or cease contact for your own mental well-being. Neither route is easy - but the current status quo has been achieved by people taking the easy route in dealing with your mum previously ( exceptionally hard for you to do anything but as a child, and then behaviours are in place)

But one way or another please take back control over this relationship as it seems to mum is still walking all over your boundaries.

BahHumbug2022 · 15/12/2022 10:08

Saying My child was rude by adult standards is not the same as saying my child is rude. I never said that. In ither words I was saying my mother found by child rude, but didn't make allowences for her being 3. I was really pleased that she wasnt manipulated by the chocolate and stayed close to who she felt safest. She basically took her bribe and still felt she owed her nothing. That was a good outcome.

Most kids take a bribe don’t they? They live in the moment.
Yours cried the entire time (except for when they got sugar) which isn’t the behaviour you’d expect even for a toddler. Especially with someone new in the house.
Why was she still crying if she felt safe with you? I think being a bit under the weather sounds nicer than needing attention, which is what your mother gave her and rankles I guess.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 15/12/2022 10:13

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 15/12/2022 07:59

She might be all sorts of awful in other ways but she's done nothing wrong with this chocolate. She gave your DC two bars - you've said you internally shook your head at the second one, so why would you want your DC to be given another two bars? Why would you expect it?

This.

MeridianB · 15/12/2022 10:14

This isn't a thread about chocolate, OP.

YABU to continue to expose yourself and your child to your 'narcissistic, gaslighting, stonewalling, master manipulater mother and enabling father'

Your DD's reaction to these people speaks volumes.

Please put yourself and your family first. Flowers

MsRosley · 15/12/2022 10:16

I don't think you're being unreasonable inasmuch as you're recovering from years of toxic behaviour and that tends to make people hyperalert to more of it.

Getoff · 15/12/2022 10:17

she showed her the packet and said I've bought you these.

I can see someone saying that without meaning they intended to hand them all over. At the time they said it, they might have had no firm intention, they've especially bought something they think the child will like, cheer them up with the prospect of it, but the actual process of giving is when they hand over each bar.

Taking the rest of the bars with them might be just being a bit tight, or it could be just routine behaviour for them because they are possessed by Satan, but it's not clear to me that they intended to be deceptive, or changed their mind about a gift.

greenwoodpecker101 · 15/12/2022 10:19

SoupDragon · 15/12/2022 08:02

Clearly we aren't reading the same OP as she isn't keeping her DD away at all.

The chocolate is a total red herring. You need to think long and hard about whether even this level of contact is good for you. It sounds like it isn't.

Show quote history

This.

FlamingJingleBells · 15/12/2022 10:22

Are you receiving therapy? Both you and your dd need heavy duty therapy to cut the umbilical cord of dependency on this woman.

You need to parent your dd to be a happy, confident person who doesn't burst into tears at the sight of a stranger. You need to put up borders round you and your child. Currently, you don't have any boundaries because you let her into your home and into your head.

Get a ring doorbell and some therapy.

Elleviss · 15/12/2022 10:24

You are majorly overreacting and the way you describe your parents makes me wonder if the narcissistic behaviour has been passed down.

Hellybelly84 · 15/12/2022 10:26

It was a multipack so she may have intended just to give her a bar and not all of them. But it sounds like she is a horrible person, so why have any contact at all? What benefits are there of having any contact with her?

Original poster
Myblummin · 15/12/2022 10:32

MadameMackenzie · 15/12/2022 10:05

He rang up to tell you that your child was poorly and had just woken up when they visited? Huh?

Show quote history

Yes, exactly that

OP posts:
Stunningscreamer · 15/12/2022 10:33

Ponoka7 · 15/12/2022 07:54

I've voted YABU, because you need to go no contact. Why does your child cry continually around them? Why are you letting them do this to the both of you?

This. You need to be able to push back against this woman or not allow her near your daughter or she will do a similar number on your daughter as she's done on you: either by dividing and conquering (e.g. oh silly mummy let's ignore her, come along with granny etc) or by putting her down and manipulating her.

Original poster
Myblummin · 15/12/2022 10:35

FlamingJingleBells · 15/12/2022 10:22

Are you receiving therapy? Both you and your dd need heavy duty therapy to cut the umbilical cord of dependency on this woman.

You need to parent your dd to be a happy, confident person who doesn't burst into tears at the sight of a stranger. You need to put up borders round you and your child. Currently, you don't have any boundaries because you let her into your home and into your head.

Get a ring doorbell and some therapy.

She doesnt burst into tears at the sign of a stranger. Just my parents.

They haven't seen her in six months. Then turn up unannounced

OP posts:
Stunningscreamer · 15/12/2022 10:35

I also agree that individual therapy would be a really good idea, with someone who specialises in narcissistic childhood abuse.

Thelnebriati · 15/12/2022 10:35

Read the Stately Homes thread on the Relationships board, research FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) online; and think seriously about the lesson you are teaching your child. Don't allow your mother to confuse her over boundaries.

Original poster
Myblummin · 15/12/2022 10:40

For the record, five years ago I told them I'd had enough and was going no contact and if they wanted to heal the relationship we need to go to family therapy. They ignored me and opted for the no contact. Slowly we have settled on a civil relationship without talking about why they have hurt me, because they wont.

I presume they have chosen against therapy as they won't be able to hide their abuse from the family therapist. It will just be confirmed.

OP posts:
PrincessScarlett · 15/12/2022 10:44

The chocolate is not the problem here.

You say you haven't said anything to your child about grandparents and try to remain civil. If child only cries at grandparents (rather than change in routine which you first said) she has definitely picked up on how you are around them. I would say you are projecting your feelings and anxiety onto your 3 year old. You need to stop this now and if your parents really are awful stop them coming round.

Thelnebriati · 15/12/2022 10:45

When you go no contact, you don't open the door or let them in! You dont negotiate, you dont allow them to set the terms.

Bookworm20 · 15/12/2022 10:47

YANBU

I cannot imagine my parents turning up and saying to their granddaughter they bought her chocolate and then taking it home with them again. Its bloody weird. And messed up.
Makes no difference its a multi pack, and makes no difference if child was crying when they were there.

She obviously decided because DD was upset that she didn't deserve the chocolate. Pathetic.

What grandparent does that? None that I know of!

OP, I think you are right to just keep contact between them and your dd to the minimum that you possibly can.

FlamingJingleBells · 15/12/2022 10:51

Myblummin · 15/12/2022 10:40

For the record, five years ago I told them I'd had enough and was going no contact and if they wanted to heal the relationship we need to go to family therapy. They ignored me and opted for the no contact. Slowly we have settled on a civil relationship without talking about why they have hurt me, because they wont.

I presume they have chosen against therapy as they won't be able to hide their abuse from the family therapist. It will just be confirmed.

No you don't understand, you need individual therapy not family therapy. You & your daughter need individual therapy so you can go no contact.

Not family therapy therapy with your abusers. You're still co-dependent on them if you think you need family therapy with your parents. Snap out of this behaviour.