GRANDMA took her chocolate back

[Myblummin]

So, my narcissistic, gaslighting, stonewalling, master manipulater mother and enabling father turned up unannounced yesterday.

I've learnt to deal with them by being civil and not emotionally involved so they can't pull my strings.

She has no relationship with our child who is three. When they knocked my child went to answer the door. When she saw it was them she ran off and hid in the living room crying. Then when they came in she continued to cry so Grandma said look at what I've bought you. It was a four pack of white chocolate. She gave her one chocolate bar out of a four pack. She reluctantly took the chocolate and stopped crying. Once finished she started crying again so Grandma gave her another chocolate bar (internally I shook my head, but I'm conditioned to not challenge her). We try to have civil conversation, but my child is sat on me and making sure I don't leave her and crying. When they said they were going my child stood up gave grandma her bag and went and opened the front door. She said bye and shut the door behind them.

After she left I noticed Grandma had taken her chocolate that she bought her.

Am I being unreasonable to be letting this irritate me. I know my child was rude by adult standards, but no need to take the chocolate back! It's just another minor aggression to add to a mountain of them. I should learn, but this time she is messing with my child.

Why was your child crying and so keen for her grandparents to leave? Have they done something to frighten her in the past or hurt her or is she picking up on your stress? I don’t see the issue with the chocolate unless she took back the bar she had already given the child. I would have to know why you refer to your mother as a master manipulator etc before deciding if YABU.

Well done for not rising to her. Sorry to be nosy but on earth did she do to your daughter that makes her cry and hide on sight? Sounds horrendous, Ive never seen that reaction in a child.

I don’t get the thing with the chocolate either. It’s not as if she showed her and gave her none?

Taken in isolation what she did wasn’t awful but I imagine it’s part of a pattern so why was she in your house?
Dont have anything to do with them and protect your child

Is your 3 year old the one who always deals with the door?

She answers the front door, lets visitors in and when they finish their visit, she hands them their bags and sees them out, shutting the door behind them.

Stop putting your child in the middle of your toxic relationship with your mother and involving her.
You’ve made her frightened of her grandmother yet continue to put your dd in the firing line almost to prove a point.

Did you want your DD to eat all 4? I wouldn't.

You didn’t want your child to have a second bar so YABU for expecting the rest of the pack to be given to her.

However if she’s so horrible she makes your child cry and she’s all those things you say she is then you’d be better not seeing her.

It sounds like this to me.

Sorry it's upset you @Myblummin it can't be easy having a relationship like that but, maybe this time it is just that she shared rather than gifted the lot.

This.

YABU to be so spectacularly missing the point.

The chocolate is neither here nor there.

Why is your daughter crying at the sight of this woman? Why are you letting her into your house?

Stop using ‘I’m conditioned’ as an excuse to allow this drama. Tell her she isn’t welcome any more. Get a doorbell. Don’t let her in. Block her number. Start a thread asking for advice on how to go no contact to manage a difficult relationship. Read some books on the subject. Ask the GP to put you on the list for counselling if you think it would help. In short, get your shit together, you do seem to be both feeding off the drama (chocolate thief!) and taking no responsibility (I am conditioned). You are a parent now, so it’s time to be a grown up.

Why does your child cry when she arrives? Has she been actively unpleasant to her, or is your child always upset and anxious to the point of crying when someone comes?

Either way there is something very unhealthy about placating her with chocolate - and I don’t mean the chocolate.

Bribing a child to sit with someone they don’t want to be with with chocolate? It’s creepy. And did your Dd start crying again because she knew there were other bars and wanted to be bribed some more?

You say you weren’t happy that your Dd was given a second bar, is your mother deliberately undermining you?

Taking the rest of a multipack? Could go either way. Maybe she only ever meant to give her a bar out of the pack. Is it the sort of chocolate your mother eats?

However most doting grandparents I know would leave them even if they had intended to take the rest home as part of their own shopping.

It’s very hard OP, but I think you need to find a way to stop your Dd being used in this drama. Are you on the Stately Homes threads? Have you read any of the self help books about toxic parents? Counselling?

This too.

A lot of questions here. I will try remember and answer them here

• My child always runs to open the door. I Always go with them
• I think they were crying because it ruined the routine and they turned up unannounced
• it wasn't someone who they have a relationship with. Maybe they are so random it's difficult for a three year old to understand them
• I've never spoke badly about them in front of my child
• I'm always civil with them
• 3 years old as in 36 months old.
• they might sense, I don't know for sure, our interactions are not like other loving family experiences
• I did try no contact, but it broke my heart. I settled on civil because it's where I feel the least distress. I found it extremely distressing severing my attachment to my complex parents
• I have considered moving to put at least a 1.5 hour drive between us
• I tried therapy and they suggested no contact
• she showed her the packet and said I've bought you these.
• I know my mother, if my child had behaved favourably towards her she would have left the chocolate. She conditions people. That's how she operates. You will be punished if you don't respond how she wants and you will be rewarded if you do
• you're right about the ring doorbell that would be a quick fix
• You're right it's not really about the chocolate, it is about her doing the same thing to my child as she did to me

Please don’t let a 3 year old answer the door! It could be anyone.

Did the grandmother take back the original 2 bars she gave to your DD? that’s how I read it, which is an awful thing to do

The chocolate is the least of your concerns. Protect your child from such a toxic woman. Go back to NC or move far away if you are able to.

Well now you can see that she's using the same conditioning on your DC as she did to you, what are you going to do to protect your child fron it?

I don’t see the problem in this specific thing. Obviously you’re viewing it through the lens of having other issues with your mother so that’s different. But your child cried, stopped crying every time she was handed a chocolate bar (which sort of gives the impression she was crying for chocolate) then your parents left. It doesn’t sound like your mother made any comment about taking the chocolate to punish your daughter etc, and you were already unhappy with your child having 2 bars, so probably you wouldn’t want her to have 4.

No, op says ‘once finished’ dd started crying again and got another chocolate bar. So I presume she ate them.

Agree.

If you’re scarred by being brought up by an abusive parent with a personality disorder, then don’t expose your child to the same.

You criticise your father for being an “enabler” but you’re enabling your mother to affect your child.

Take responsibility and some control over the situation.
Dont use your dd to prove you’re right about your abusive mother.

Sorry that’s blunt but you seem to be ignoring the bigger picture here x

OP, can I recommend a Facebook group I find very useful? It’s called Necessary Family Estrangement. When you post on Mumsnet about dealing with a narcissistic parent, many of the responses will be from people who have absolutely no understanding of the incredible complexities of the situation. PPs writing things like “I don’t understand why you’re not protecting your DD from this woman,” and at the other end of the spectrum claiming your mum’s done nothing wrong. You’d be better off talking to people who have knowledge in this area.

A narcissist doesn’t do anything without carefully calculating it beforehand. Her taking the chocolate may seem innocent to some, but most likely it was done to provoke an emotional response from you. It sounds like you’ve been ‘grey-rocking’ her for some time. She will find this frustrating, and so will look for ways to make you engage on a more emotional level, providing her with the drama on which she thrives. What better way to provoke you than through your DD? And of course she has chosen a method that to an outsider would appear totally innocent.

Last Christmas, my father sent my DD a chocolate advent calendar. He didn’t send one to my DS. He was hoping that I’d be so annoyed it would provoke me into some form of contact. But I’ve been happily no-contact for a couple of years now, and I won’t ever give him the satisfaction of rising to the bait.

Perhaps it’s time you considered reducing or cutting out contact. I understand how difficult this prospect must seem, but you don’t sound happy with the status quo. Wishing you the very best of luck, OP.

So your Mother showed your Dd the pack of 4 bars, doled out to (as & when she stopped crying) then took the last 2 away with her when she left?
That's thoughtless in an 'ordinary' Granny but controlling in your Mother (as you have the experience of her to make this call)

I'd install a Ring doorbell. I'd agree to meet at a softplay / park/ garden centre in future if at all possible. Gives your Dd something to do / dilutes Granny.
But, really NC is the way to go if you feel she is going to treat Dd like she did you.
She WONT change.

So, my narcissistic, gaslighting, stonewalling, master manipulater mother and enabling father turned up unannounced yesterday.

you are a parent now. Your children’s advocate. Do not have contact with these people. I wouldn’t want your parents within a 5 mile radius of my children!

Why do you let a 3 year old open the front door?

Ok, your second post was much clearer. I think this upset you so much because you saw your child being treated as you were and you understand your child is now old enough to start being manipulated and conditioned as you were. It's going to raise your bad memories and also your protective instincts of your child - so no wonder you are upset.

You do need to start thinking about the best way to handle this. I think one way would be to say, "I do not want you to have contact with my child, but we can meet occasionally out of my house, if you want that." The ball is in their court then. They can choose low contact with you or no contact. But don't let her near your child, it will hurt your and your child. You do not need to answer questions of why. Give them that offer and they can take it out leave it. Have you got friends or family who can help you stay strong, who you can share any horrible messages with etc so you are not taking this burden on alone.