GRANDMA took her chocolate back

[Myblummin]

So, my narcissistic, gaslighting, stonewalling, master manipulater mother and enabling father turned up unannounced yesterday.

I've learnt to deal with them by being civil and not emotionally involved so they can't pull my strings.

She has no relationship with our child who is three. When they knocked my child went to answer the door. When she saw it was them she ran off and hid in the living room crying. Then when they came in she continued to cry so Grandma said look at what I've bought you. It was a four pack of white chocolate. She gave her one chocolate bar out of a four pack. She reluctantly took the chocolate and stopped crying. Once finished she started crying again so Grandma gave her another chocolate bar (internally I shook my head, but I'm conditioned to not challenge her). We try to have civil conversation, but my child is sat on me and making sure I don't leave her and crying. When they said they were going my child stood up gave grandma her bag and went and opened the front door. She said bye and shut the door behind them.

After she left I noticed Grandma had taken her chocolate that she bought her.

Am I being unreasonable to be letting this irritate me. I know my child was rude by adult standards, but no need to take the chocolate back! It's just another minor aggression to add to a mountain of them. I should learn, but this time she is messing with my child.

@Myblummin I think they were crying because it ruined the routine and they turned up unannounced

This absolutely should not (& would not) make a child cry. There's def more to the tears.

I really sympathise as I've a narcissist in my life but YABVU to

1. Allowing your child to be exposed to this woman. Especially so when it's clearly traumatising her. &
2. For not stepping in and stopping your child having 2 bars of chocolate! I'm presuming these were those thin bars of either Dairy Milk, Milkybar or Animal Bars? In which case, 2 of those is still too much. She could've been sick. Look I get it, your way of dealing with them is to say nothing at all and only pick the worthiest battles but where do you draw the line? Your child obviously deeply dislikes her Grandma so to keep exposing her to her is cruel and she certainly won’t thank you for it as she gets older!

She was leaving and the kid had had 2 bars. Maybe the others in the pack were for another day/not all for her.
You actually let your child sit there and snivel the whole time? How rude.

Tbh your post seems confusing - you were disapproving of the second bar, then disapproving when she took the rest. But I get that - when relationships with parents are out of kilter you don’t know which way is up. Often you have to focus in on a small thing, that might not make sense objectively to outsiders, in order to process the torrent of confusion they leave in their wake.

In an emotionally healthy family dynamic our dps and deep rooted family values are the ground beneath our feet. We don’t have to think too much about it. We can take a different direction but there’s still ground under your feet. But you’re floating about without any gravity and clutching at things floating past you.

You need to build your own ground now - and it’s deep work to do so. A big part of that is separating from your dps psychologically. They don’t hold answers for you. You have to figure out your own values, and your worth. Do you have good people to help you with this? Friends, a partner, good relatives, counselling, support groups? The Stately Homes threads here on MN can be very helpful for validating your experiences with difficult parents.

Win, win: Grandma gone and taken chocolate with her, thus removing pester issues.
Maybe have a stronger policy on opening the front door? Kids could let anyone in!

A) How/Why the fuck would your three year old be opening the front door?! That is not normal or right.

B) If your three year old has no relationship with them as you've claimed, why did she cry like that? For a young child to do that something must have happened?

C) Protect your child, physically and mentally, as it seems you are failing to.

You are upset because you know deep down that are now also an ENABLER like your father. You are enabling your mother to treat you child as she treated you.

You are an adult and can do something about that.

I'm not denying they sound like arseholes, but..

'• I think they were crying because it ruined the routine and they turned up unannounced' - bit of a reach. Sounds a bit dramatic. And the chocolate bars thing is also a bit dramatic as she probably wanted some for herself.

But if your parents are causing this much distress go NC

I think you're on the wrong thread!

I'm assuming there is a back-story here.

Why would you let someone who you describe as: "narcissistic, gaslighting, stonewalling, master manipulater mother and enabling father turned up unannounced yesterday" have anything to do with your child. I think the fact they left with a bar of chocolate (after i'm assuming they weren't in your house but, on your doorstep) is the least of the issue here.

The chocolate is a petty and minor point that most people wouldn't even notice, let alone get upset about to the point of posting about it on a public board the next day.

The reason you are so upset however is because it's not just about the chocolate. It's just one more straw on the back of a camel that's already been laying on the floor exhausted for years and trying to get back up. You know it was a petty dig on her part, and you know your mum far better than anyone else in the world (especially people on this board).

This though: I know my child was rude by adult standards,

I know other people have said it, but it bears repeating. YOUR CHILD WAS NOT RUDE!!! She is a toddler - still a baby in many ways. She was responding exactly the way any baby can be expected to respond to virtual strangers who aren't very warm to her and whose underlying hostility she can sense. She is slightly frightened by these people and sought comfort from you. Please don't use words such as rude to refer to your daughter's behaviour... you don't want to start on a path of gaslighting her to believe she's unworthy and her grandmother is always right, which is what narcissists always try and do.

I have experience with narcissists in my family (thankfully not my immediate family) and one of the things that really shook me the most in the past about their behaviour was their reaction to a toddler momentarily rejecting them (and when I say momentarily, I mean, you know how toddlers can be, friendly one minute but then running off the next and refusing to pose for a photo). Instead of sighing and shrugging like a normal adult, this person took it personally and you could still hear real venom in her voice when talking about the incident years later... I just think punishing a child for being a child basically is a low thing to do, but apparently narcissists can't help it as it's just the way they think. But don't let your child get drawn into it. She sees your mother for what she is and is too young to have learnt she needs to play the game. I personally think that nurturing that instinct rather than crushing it will help her in later life...

I know other people have said it, but it bears repeating. YOUR CHILD WAS NOT RUDE!!! She is a toddler - still a baby in many ways. She was responding exactly the way any baby can be expected to respond to virtual strangers who aren't very warm to her and whose underlying hostility she can sense. She is slightly frightened by these people and sought comfort from you.

She’s a 3 year old who stopped crying every time she was handed a chocolate bar. I think there’s a lot being put on random behaviour here. My kids would cry if they thought I’d hand them a milky bar every time they started!

I think the 'mistake' was that your mum gave the chocolate directly to your child.

Most sensible adults would hand sweets over to the parent, so the parent could dish them out as they thought fit (and not let a child scoff them all if it was just before their mealtime, etc.)

I hate to say it, as you are very upset, but if your mum left the chocs in your sight, it would have been better for you to take control and put them away. You could give them to your child when you felt it was the right time.

You are coming over as passive and allowing things to happen to you.

internally I shook my head, but I'm conditioned to not challenge her

You're an adult now yourself. Take control.

YABU due to the fact it was a multipack.

I know my mother, if my child had behaved favourably towards her she would have left the chocolate. She conditions people. That's how she operates. You will be punished if you don't respond how she wants and you will be rewarded if you do

I appreciate this is all distressing, but you are still allowing yourself to be dominated by your mum.

This wasn't a case of your mum withdrawing a treat because of your D's behaviour. You are seeing things that don't exist, because of your own relationship with her. There is no real evidence here that your mum took the other chocs away because of your child's behaviour. You're imagining that.

Maybe think about some more counselling?

The fundamental rule of improving situations like this is not to expect others to change, but to change your own behaviour.

Saying My child was rude by adult standards is not the same as saying my child is rude. I never said that. In ither words I was saying my mother found by child rude, but didn't make allowences for her being 3. I was really pleased that she wasnt manipulated by the chocolate and stayed close to who she felt safest. She basically took her bribe and still felt she owed her nothing. That was a good outcome.

My child was not crying to get a chocolate bar. She was crying in a way, which was saying I don't like these people in the house.

I need to move and I'm planning too, but the economy has just put us financially back two years at least.

When she saw it was them she ran off and hid in the living room crying.

The sight of the grandparents set the child off crying. Most children with loving grandparents are delighted to see their grandparents. If the grandparents were generally loving and had a good relationship, you might put it down to the child being in a bad mood, but given that OP describes her mother as a "narcissistic, gaslighting, stonewalling, master manipulator" I don't think it's a stretch to assume the child has picked up on this.

Of course she stopped crying while she was eating chocolate (which she "reluctantly" accepted). Who doesn't like chocolate? It doesn't mean she was only crying to get chocolate, all other factors considered.

You're right it's not really about the chocolate, it is about her doing the same thing to my child as she did to me

Do you want your child to be damaged by them as you have been damaged by them?

is the "heartbreak" you felt at trying no-contact just the conditioning you mention?

I think you do know what the correct answer is, you just don't want to hear it.

Dont let your 3 year old answer the door and then you can check who it is before you open it. Dont answer when you see them.

It was a pack of four, she gave your child two, your assuming all of them were for your child but they probably weren’t

My dads just phoned up, which is extremely random because he never calls (and by that I mean he NEVER, ZERO) and rewrote the narrative. He basically rewrote history that my daughter was poorly and just woke up so was upset when they visited.

God I need to get out of here.

You talk about derisively about your father being an enabler, but surely you see that's what you are, too? Break the cycle.

YABU

People treat you how you allow them to OP.

Time to put a stop to it.

was really pleased that she wasnt manipulated by the chocolate and stayed close to who she felt safest. She basically took her bribe and still felt she owed her nothing. That was a good outcome

No good comes out of using your bairn as a weapon OP. You need to go NC with these people so you don't pass on the flame.

Funny how many people "obviously" mind read the child.

No contact advice is flying around without understanding the extra mental& longterm costs it might have.
You are on a good path - limiting the impact your mum has on you is important. In this case I see a rather short visit where your child got one piece of chocolate more than would be preferable and see GM out in the end, the chocolate isn't really important. If the child mention it, make some short comment, "hmm.. curious", confirm it really happened and done.
About protecting your child. Your child isn't in the same position as you were, they will never see the GM's behaviour as a norm and won't be dependent on it. I'd second the move towards pre-agreed meetings outside when possible, and limiting the unannounced ones in your home, as it would move the power a bit, but the child will be able to formulate their own opinion very soon.

My mother was somehow similar, we found a way forward and I am glad we did. I know it doesn't mean my way would work for everyone, just one voice saying that sometimes it is possible and worth finding it.