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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you be annoyed if partner took out a loan without discussing it with you?

229 replies

secretloan · 15/12/2022 07:39

Not married. 7 years together. Shared finances. 1 DC together.

Jus found out he took out a loan last December without telling me, as he left the statement lying around so I saw it this morning.

AIBU that when you share finances and live together you discuss these things openly?

Also can't get any straight answers about where the money went. I asked if there are any more debts I don't know about, he denied it. I said how can I trust that though if you kept this from me? can I see your bank statement to prove it? He lost his temper and said "we are not married and you are not going through my statements, that's controlling".

I'm controlling?! For not trusting him due to the secret loan and now wanting some sort of proof he hasn't done this several times?

So as not to drip feed - he was also messaging another woman around the time of the loan being taken out - there's about a month between these two things. We are having counselling about that at the moment. He swears he never slept with her and it was just flirty messages that went no further then fizzled out. But now my mind is in overdrive that he took out this loan to buy her stuff (it was around Christmas last year) and that's why he's refusing to let me see his statements??

Am i going mad here? And I totally paranoid and controlling like he says? Or is this not ok? 😢

OP posts:
DogInATent · 15/12/2022 11:02

@secretloan
And I don't think it's either of those things. I'm now thinking Onlyfans or similar.

And surely the point of threads like this is to provide other plausible alternatives and not just reinforce the conclusion you've already come to.

A family around the corner. The husband killed himself two years ago due to financial and debt worries he felt he couldn't talk to anyone about including his wife. I heard the screams when she found him and I will never forget that.

You think you're imagining the worst. You're not. Not by a long chalk. Financial secrets can be very bad. You need to find a way that gets to the truth and that gets him talking about what's really going on. You need to step away from the judgemental approach of what you think might be happening.

caffelattetogo · 15/12/2022 11:07

He's dishonest. He's cheated on you. He has no respect for you. He is stingy with money. You know what you need to do.

katepilar · 15/12/2022 11:25

secretloan · 15/12/2022 08:27

I'm also the one who sorts 90% of DC's new clothes and toys. And have been since she was born. That always comes out of my part of the disposable income. He contributes infrequently (eg will come home from food shopping with a new jumper for her, on the odd occasion). But it's always me who keeps on top of new clothes for her when she's outgrown others etc.

That annoys me even more - some of that money could have gone towards those?

Why does clothing etc for the child you have together come out of your own money and not the shared pot?
Thats a genuine question, I am not having a go.

Original poster
secretloan · 15/12/2022 11:34

@katepilar

There isn't a shared pot. He transfers his half of the bills to me every month and I pay them. We then each have our own disposable money left in our own accounts (minus half each of the food budget). So whatever is left is in each account respectively. I just choose to use most of mine to clothe DC and get her toys etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
secretloan · 15/12/2022 11:35

He would never think to use his part of disposable for that. However I just automatically do it.

OP posts:
greenhousegal · 15/12/2022 11:42

I don't think I'd have the mental or physical capacity to try and untangle all this. There will be far too much work (on your part) to try and regain trust and honestly, will that EVER happen now?

Sometimes, it's better to cut losses and move on, and I know that isn't an easy decision, but the amount of time and emotion you will put into "fixing" him may not just be worth it in the end.

You will always be looking over your shoulder just in case, and every little thing might scream back at you about him. Think about it long and hard.

KezzabellaB · 15/12/2022 11:42

Kazplus2 · 15/12/2022 08:11

Splitting bills 50/50 is not joint finances. It sounds like you both have your own money after paying bills in which case there is no impact on joint finances. It's not ideal but in this scenario it's his business and doesn't impact you.

Exactly this. My DH and I share bills etc but what's leftover is his and mine -separately. What he spends his money on is up to him.
The rest of your comments - well that's different and he doesn't sound trustworthy tbf. But the finances? Nope. Not your business.

Cactusprick · 15/12/2022 11:49

secretloan · 15/12/2022 11:35

He would never think to use his part of disposable for that. However I just automatically do it.

Well that’s not fair………

Testina · 15/12/2022 11:49

Thefriendlyone · 15/12/2022 10:44

I have to be honest, for this amount I’d consider two things

it’s a deposit for a flat. He’s leaving.
he’s consolidated some debt into one loan

id consider it’s he’s putting a deposit down and is leaving after Christmas to be honest and doesn’t want you to see it on his statement.

I don’t think the £1K loan he took out last December is for a deposit 13 months later 😉

I wish it was… trash taking itself out (on its own credit) would be good.

I think he spent it on the OW, or as OP says on something like Only Fans, or paying off a credit card that he’d used simply to buy shite 🤷🏻‍♀️

I doubt it was the XW that caused the credit issues. My sister’s ex told everyone - including her - that she was bad with money, until she believed it. Especially as she was ashamed of a bankruptcy. When she finally left him, she said in a small voice, “I was the bankrupt, because all the credit was on my name, because he wouldn’t stay in a job long enough to get credit in his.” It took a long time for her to get her confidence back and really believe that “her” debt was equally run up by him.
I know you don’t like people assuming that their anecdotes match your life @secretloan but I would really take the XW comments with a big pinch of salt.

Knors · 15/12/2022 11:51

KezzabellaB · 15/12/2022 11:42

Exactly this. My DH and I share bills etc but what's leftover is his and mine -separately. What he spends his money on is up to him.
The rest of your comments - well that's different and he doesn't sound trustworthy tbf. But the finances? Nope. Not your business.

Show quote history

Your DH finances are none of your business?
So what if he chooses to use the rest of HIS money and gamble and go into debt? Would it not affect you?
Very strange to me but OK, to each their own.

Overandunderit · 15/12/2022 11:53

Separate your finances immediately and LTB.

KezzabellaB · 15/12/2022 12:00

Knors · 15/12/2022 11:51

Your DH finances are none of your business?
So what if he chooses to use the rest of HIS money and gamble and go into debt? Would it not affect you?
Very strange to me but OK, to each their own.

Show quote history

Of course it would be an issue if he was gambling and got into debt etc. That's totally different and most people would recognise said difference. However, if he took out a loan that he could afford and wasn't affecting me, why should I be concerned? I'm not controlling and don't need to know everything he spends his money on. Clearly you do, so again, each to his own

Original poster
secretloan · 15/12/2022 12:02

So what if he chooses to use the rest of HIS money and gamble and go into debt? Would it not affect you?

Oh right, my mistake. Course he's free to fritter his money away however he likes, meanwhile I'll make sure our joint child is appropriately clothed and has the toys she needs to stimulate her development, etc. Best not let her father worry about such trivial matters, eh. That sounds like a job for mum. Course.

OP posts:
Original poster
secretloan · 15/12/2022 12:04

@KezzabellaB

Would you also be totally unconcerned if this secret loan was taken out around the time your partner had been messaging another woman? 🤔 Or still totally cool with it? Then he refuses to show you any proof that it wasn't spent on her? Still ok with it?

OP posts:
Original poster
secretloan · 15/12/2022 12:06

If it were me and I was 100% telling the truth, I'd just show him my transactions to prove there was nothing in relation to the other person that I spent it on. Given it would be my fault the trust was shattered in the first place, I would totally do this, to show him he's barking up the wrong tree and the money was completely unrelated to my infidelity. But he won't. His reaction to me suggesting this is incredibly telling.

OP posts:
VapeVamp12 · 15/12/2022 12:07

Agree with PP, he shows you the last 18 months bank statements today or it's over.

Riverlee · 15/12/2022 12:07

Haven’t read whole thread, but yes, I would be annoyed of dp took a loan out without discussing it first. You’ve been together 7 years and have a child, and it wasn’t a small amount.

If there were a genuine reason for it, urgent repairs to car, boiler, etc, and he didn’t want to worry you, then that’s a reasonable explanation. However, if he’s being secretive and defensive and turning it all on you, then I would be concerned.

Knors · 15/12/2022 12:10

KezzabellaB · 15/12/2022 12:00

Of course it would be an issue if he was gambling and got into debt etc. That's totally different and most people would recognise said difference. However, if he took out a loan that he could afford and wasn't affecting me, why should I be concerned? I'm not controlling and don't need to know everything he spends his money on. Clearly you do, so again, each to his own

Show quote history

You sound ridiculous but OK!

How in the hell is she suppose to know if he's not doing something sinister with the loan (as he probably most likely is since he's being so secretive) if she doesn't inquire.
How is she suppose to come to the conclusion that "Oh it's juts a loan and it doesn't affect me"?

And finally, don't go assuming anything about me as you don't know me!! I didn't assume anything about you, I posed questions to you based on YOUR post!

KezzabellaB · 15/12/2022 12:13

Knors · 15/12/2022 12:10

You sound ridiculous but OK!

How in the hell is she suppose to know if he's not doing something sinister with the loan (as he probably most likely is since he's being so secretive) if she doesn't inquire.
How is she suppose to come to the conclusion that "Oh it's juts a loan and it doesn't affect me"?

And finally, don't go assuming anything about me as you don't know me!! I didn't assume anything about you, I posed questions to you based on YOUR post!

Show quote history

Oh dear God. Ok. You do you. 🙄

RealBecca · 15/12/2022 12:18

You can want to will him into being invested on the kind of relationship you want as much as you like, but he isnt that invested is he.

He married someone else but he hasnt married you.
He fights when you want to be open.
He needs convincing to counselling after trying to cheat on you.
He gaslights you.

You might be fighting this battle right now but you arent really winning anything.

Factually, it appears to be a relationship of convenience to him. Glorified friends with benefits. It doesnt appear to read at all as though je is fully invested in moving the relationship forward does it.

What would he have to do to get dumped? Because it reads like he knows you're desperate to be with him because you think he might one day be the relationship you want so he only needs to give enough to keep you thinking that while hs merrily carries on as he likes with his own private life (private finances, private messaging).

HangryFeminist · 15/12/2022 12:21

secretloan · 15/12/2022 10:05

I said this to him. I still wouldn't know about the OW if I hadn't discovered that myself. I wouldn't know about the loan if I hadn't seen the statement lying around in the kitchen. What else don't I know that I'll discover years down the line?

Show quote history

I think if you read back what you’ve written here, then imagine what you would say to a friend telling you this, you have your answer. Sorry OP. He’s being a shit.

PinkyFlamingo · 15/12/2022 12:24

Why are you so accepting of the fact you have to pay for all your child's clothes and presents?

Original poster
secretloan · 15/12/2022 12:31

@PinkyFlamingo

I'm not really accepting of it, I think it's just become the norm so I just get on with it, if that makes sense. I'm not happy about it though.

OP posts:
walkinthewoodstoday · 15/12/2022 12:33

It's not that he has to consult you, it's that he should want to. In a relationship there should be communication about everything.

xogossipgirlxo · 15/12/2022 12:33

For me it would be first step to divorce.