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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you be annoyed if partner took out a loan without discussing it with you?

229 replies

secretloan · 15/12/2022 07:39

Not married. 7 years together. Shared finances. 1 DC together.

Jus found out he took out a loan last December without telling me, as he left the statement lying around so I saw it this morning.

AIBU that when you share finances and live together you discuss these things openly?

Also can't get any straight answers about where the money went. I asked if there are any more debts I don't know about, he denied it. I said how can I trust that though if you kept this from me? can I see your bank statement to prove it? He lost his temper and said "we are not married and you are not going through my statements, that's controlling".

I'm controlling?! For not trusting him due to the secret loan and now wanting some sort of proof he hasn't done this several times?

So as not to drip feed - he was also messaging another woman around the time of the loan being taken out - there's about a month between these two things. We are having counselling about that at the moment. He swears he never slept with her and it was just flirty messages that went no further then fizzled out. But now my mind is in overdrive that he took out this loan to buy her stuff (it was around Christmas last year) and that's why he's refusing to let me see his statements??

Am i going mad here? And I totally paranoid and controlling like he says? Or is this not ok? 😢

OP posts:
orangegato · 15/12/2022 10:09

secretloan · 15/12/2022 09:36

No. But, ironically, he keeps talking about how we need to start saving for a deposit on a house as he's sick of renting etc. yet he categorically refuses to share financial information with me because "we're not married so why should I". OK..... but you want to jointly own a property with me??! Confused

Show quote history

Do not buy a house with him imagine if he took out a loan against the house, you’d be stuck with awful rates if remortgaging etc. While not married at least his shady financial decisions don’t materially impact your own finances. Please keep it that way!

Mix56 · 15/12/2022 10:10

There is also the possibility that he won't show you his bank account, because he doesn't want you to know what he spends his money on, not because there may be more than one loan.
he needs to take his pathetic sorry self & go & sleep at Mummy's house again.

Ragruggers · 15/12/2022 10:13

I am sorry you are going through this awful time.You want it all to be alright but that is not going to happen.He is cheating over the loan,the women what else is there.You are better than this your child needs you to be happy.Her father can see her by arrangement when he moves out.Claim CSA and discuss the car loan he needs to take out another bank loan to cover this.Your house is in your name as are the bills.Tell him to leave now please do this for your mental health.Good luck.

Original poster
secretloan · 15/12/2022 10:14

DogInATent · 15/12/2022 10:08

@bumpytrumpy
As an aside, a £1k bank loan is weird. Most people would get a 0% credit card for that kind of spending. Makes you wonder if he's already maxed out on those ...

Bad credit rating was mentioned in the drip-feed, alongside an ex-wife (no mention of any DC from that relationship - yet). Although clearly his rating has improved if the bank gave a loan. It could be the £1k was as far as his credit rating stretched.

I'm still thinking that gambling or cypto are the most likely answers. They'd explain the secrecy if he's losing on either or both. Surely no one is daft enough to finance an affair with a personal loan?

It wasn't a "drip feed". It's just not possible to include every detail of your life in the OP, and sometimes people think of things later as they come to them? Just a thought.

And I don't think it's either of those things. I'm now thinking Onlyfans or similar.

OP posts:
Stunningscreamer · 15/12/2022 10:14

Do you know his ex wife at all? I'd be tempted to contact her and find out the truth about his credit rating. I think there's a strong chance history is repeating itself. After all past behaviour is the biggest predictor of future behaviour. And whatever you do, don't buy a house with this man, you can't trust him and that is probably the biggest reason for ending the relationship. I'm really sorry OP, you sound lovely and you deserve so much better.

Naunet · 15/12/2022 10:16

Stunningscreamer · 15/12/2022 10:14

Do you know his ex wife at all? I'd be tempted to contact her and find out the truth about his credit rating. I think there's a strong chance history is repeating itself. After all past behaviour is the biggest predictor of future behaviour. And whatever you do, don't buy a house with this man, you can't trust him and that is probably the biggest reason for ending the relationship. I'm really sorry OP, you sound lovely and you deserve so much better.

Good point. How was he with you OP when you first started seeing each other? Did he make grand gestures, pay for hotels or gifts etc? Is that part of his character?

FlowerArranger · 15/12/2022 10:16

@secretloan - you provided him with a soft landing when his marriage broke down and his mum's sofa proved somewhat uncomfortable.

You pay 50% of outgoings plus most things for your child. Do you earn more than him, the same or less? Household contributions should be proportional to wages. If you are earning less, you are subsidising him.

And now he wants you to save for a house deposit...

He is using you.

And that's before you get to all the shit with the OW, the loan, the refusal to be financially transparent and him not engaging with the joint counselling. He is only participating in the latter to keep you on board as it's patently clear from his actions that he has no interest in a real, true partnership with you.

By the way, who is paying for the counselling? Time to invest in some separate counselling for yourself. And make an exit plan - because you know that this is where this is heading.

getsomehelp · 15/12/2022 10:18

"Surely no one is daft enough to finance an affair with a personal loan?"

on this vain:

My darling brother went to my parents pleading difficulty in paying his mortgage, & the house was going to be repossessed (he had 3 you'd kids) My parents advance him a whopping amount of his future inheritance; (& as it turned out many years later, to my & my other brother's detriment)
Much later I discovered there had been no mortgage problem. my, now, Ex SIL knew nothing about the loan or family financial difficulties. because there were none, (she was the family Admin person.)
he spent the money on himself, his string of OW, & who knows what else....

Original poster
secretloan · 15/12/2022 10:19

@Stunningscreamer
I know of her, but I don't know her to talk to.

OP posts:
boredOf · 15/12/2022 10:20

Sorry this would be the end of it for me.

dolor · 15/12/2022 10:20

secretloan · 15/12/2022 08:19

We actually have a counselling session this evening. I wonder if he will engage in discussion about this or just shut down / continue to call me controlling.

I wouldn't bother. He's lying about so much. Get rid of him.

Ariela · 15/12/2022 10:22

I would take the other woman he was texting out of the discussion.

What really matters here are a) what other debts is he rolling up at your address and thus affecting your credit rating by association and b) if you are going to be saving up to buy a house together (which I'm guessing you won't be now, but it might be helpful to discuss this 'taking out a loan without telling you problem' without him feeling attacked about OW), then you'll both need to save and both need to declare incomings and outgoings when arranging a mortgage. So any loans taken out now, can have a carry on effect for several years, and why did he borrow an amount that would quite easily have gone on a credit card - does he also have a credit card problem?

Apairofsparklingeyes · 15/12/2022 10:25

Use the counselling session tonight to tell him the relationship is over. There’s nothing left to fight for because you can’t trust him. Don’t waste any more time on someone who is a liar and a cheat. If he’s a good father he will continue to be there for your child, but I suspect he’ll prove unreliable at paying child maintenance.

MsRosley · 15/12/2022 10:25

You don't trust him, OP. You're right not to trust him because there are too many red flags here - the flirting with another woman, not contributing fairly to the cost of your DC, and now a secret loan. For what it's worth I think you need far more security and transparency than he's willing to offer you.

mindutopia · 15/12/2022 10:27

I wouldn't be remotely bothered about the loan as long as it wasn't being paid back through joint funds. I honestly have no idea if dh has ever had a loan and didn't even know he had a credit card until we applied for our mortgage last year (it had like £200 on it, which he paid off after anyway). He is also the director of a limited company and I have no idea what he does with that in terms of finances. He's a very sensible person and I trust that he can handle his finances without me questioning them or meddling. I'd be annoyed if he thought he should have an opinion about what I do with my own personal spending, as long as it didn't affect him, or to look at my account statements.

All the other stuff though is really quite problematic though and it doesn't sound like there is a lot of trust or respect in your relationship.

Bookworm20 · 15/12/2022 10:36

I am going to assume the counselling is there to try and repair/come to terms with his previous cheating - so trying to repair the trust he caused you to lose in him in order to save your relationship.

And now here he is again, doing something which has made you completely question that trust in him. Again. And he could simply just show you his statements, to prove his so called innocence. Its not controlling. You have trust issues with him, because he caused that. And he is now choosing to continue to cause that.

So it is very very obvious he is lying about what the loan was spent on. And thats the major issue here. Not the fact he stupidly took one out and didn't tell you. Its the fact he refuses to show you proof of why he did it. he will not show you his bank statements, purely for the reason there are purchases on there he really does not want you to see.

And I agree, you have shared finances in the sense that you live together, rely on each other to pay bills together and have a child together. being married shouldn't come into it. You have a LIFE together, with a child. That is enough of a reason not to take our secret loans ffs.

Absolutely bring it up in counselling. Here is yet another trust issue raising its ugly head because of him refusing to be up front and honest with you. Thats the whole point of the councelling.
And if he was genuinely remorseful over his cheating, he would be doing everything in his power to reassure you over anything you are struggling to trust him on.

I fear you will never see those bank statements OP. And that to me would be proof enough he has been spending on things he knows will hurt you. But has done it anyway. That for me would be enough to get rid.

Send him back to his mothers sofa.

catandcoffee · 15/12/2022 10:37

OP Do not have another child with this man. Dont fall in to the trap of thinking another baby will fix things, it won't.

You'll never know where that loan money went.

He's being very disrespectful towards you as in, we're not married, so you're just a girlfriend, in his eyes, easily replaceable?

Do your counselling but don't expect miracles, he doesn't sound like he's that interested in it.

The chances are your relationship may end,sooner rather that later. You can't trust him with women,or money.

Again, don't think having another child will solve any issues.

If your relationship ends its much easier with one child.

Thefriendlyone · 15/12/2022 10:44

I have to be honest, for this amount I’d consider two things

it’s a deposit for a flat. He’s leaving.
he’s consolidated some debt into one loan

id consider it’s he’s putting a deposit down and is leaving after Christmas to be honest and doesn’t want you to see it on his statement.

Cactusprick · 15/12/2022 10:49

secretloan · 15/12/2022 09:07

@DogInATent

There is no shared account. We split the bills 50/50 (rent, household bills, childcare bills, food bills) and it all goes out of my account. He transfers me 50% of these costs every month, which I then pay from my account, except the food shopping bill which we each keep in our own accounts, we use one lot of money to cover the first part of the month, then the second lot from the other account for the second part of the month (ie we each budget for 2 ish weeks worth of food shopping).

He needs to count clothing your daughter as a bill that you split too. It doesn’t sound like a 50/50 relationship

emptythelitterbox · 15/12/2022 10:50

The more you post about his actions, the worse he sounds.

Do you both earn about the same amount?
Does he have a child with his ex wife? What age?

The things he blurted out and his actions are very telling.
It's good that you aren't married to him as you'd be on the hook for any secret debts!

In the 7 years together, have either of you wanted to get married?

When he blurted out well we're not married was very telling how he sees the relationship.

Sadly it's not uncommon for men to latch on to a gfng to facilitate their lives, benefit from financially, provide childcare to previous children, not have to sleep on the sofa at mum's.

For him to entertain this OW, means he's not committed and biding his time and on the lookout for the BBD.

I don't think you'll ever get the truth out of what happened to the money from the loan but yes, he likely spent it trying to play big shot to this OW.

It's up to you what you want to do, but I can't help feel you consider yourselves to be a family for long term and he doesn't.

Cactusprick · 15/12/2022 10:52

secretloan · 15/12/2022 08:58

Unlike him I actually want to resolve our issues!

After he cheated on me, guess who's idea The counselling was? Yep, mine. Guess who took a lot of convincing to try it? Yep, him. Guess who made it all out to be my fault, that he had messaged this other woman, because I was "unwell" (with severe PND following the birth of our child) and he "couldn't talk to me". So naturally of course he had to try and shag another woman. Makes perfect sense. I see how that was totally my fault.

Read this back and imagine it was your sister/best friend… you’d tell them to run a mile as fast as they can.
This man has broken your trust twice now. He had the chance to tell you about the loan and wipe the slate clean a year ago when you found out about the other woman.
He has hidden this from you, knowing full well it was the wrong thing to do.
Just ditch him OP, you surely cannot trust him fully ever again, especially after the way he’s reacted to you finding out.

Kennykenkencat · 15/12/2022 10:53

secretloan · 15/12/2022 08:05

Also about 4 years ago I took out a car on finance for him (it's legally in my name but he pays me for it each month), because he had such bad credit from his previous marriage (he blames his ex wife for that) that he couldn't get car finance. Yet he's taking out loans now so surely he can just have the car in his name now?!

Why if his exwife had a bad credit rating does that impact on him if he was whiter that white and I presume on divorce don’t have any shared finances?

Cactusprick · 15/12/2022 10:54

Kennykenkencat · 15/12/2022 10:53

Why if his exwife had a bad credit rating does that impact on him if he was whiter that white and I presume on divorce don’t have any shared finances?

Show quote history

I think she means he got himself a bad credit rating due to things she made him spend on etc

Tiger2018 · 15/12/2022 10:56

MsRosley · 15/12/2022 10:25

You don't trust him, OP. You're right not to trust him because there are too many red flags here - the flirting with another woman, not contributing fairly to the cost of your DC, and now a secret loan. For what it's worth I think you need far more security and transparency than he's willing to offer you.

I completely agree with this. I bet you are so very very tired. I just can't see how he is showing he wants to fix what he has broken...it's just more excuses from him.

As he is an involved dad, breaking up will not change this. He can still be that to your child. Things will change short term, but I promise you - this anger and fatigue will continue for you if you have to try to accept what he did and move on - the relationship will never be what it was.

Cactusprick · 15/12/2022 10:58

secretloan · 15/12/2022 10:14

It wasn't a "drip feed". It's just not possible to include every detail of your life in the OP, and sometimes people think of things later as they come to them? Just a thought.

And I don't think it's either of those things. I'm now thinking Onlyfans or similar.

Show quote history

Ignore that stupid comment about drip feeding! Some people on here just love to use the old classics to sound like they’re just SO MN, it’s cringeworthy.

Just say to him you want to see his bank statements or it’s over today. No negotiation. Tell him you do not trust him and you won’t be able to if you cannot see proof that what he is saying it correct.