TA doesn’t like my child and made her really upset today.

[BelleandH]

One of the TA’s quite obviously doesn’t like my child. I’ve had a feeling there is a problem for a while but it’s so difficult to approach firstly because she’s sligh about it and secondly because I don’t want her to treat my DD any worse.
I’ve witnessed it myself, the way she spoke to my daughter so abruptly and then to another child about the same thing straight after ina much kinder way. She avoids any eye contact with me, and will stand talking to other mothers for ages about their children (one in particular who’s children a far more trying than mine)
today it came to a head when she tried to wrestle her coat on and stormed her down the corridor to me - at this point my DD burst into tears.
I contacted the head who was straight away on the defence with his staff rather than listening to the facts.
DD is only 4, she is a lock down child from a shielding family so didn’t do any socialising from around 18 months. She’s not unruly but is strong willed. I’ve had so many compliments about her when she’s out with me so she’s not completely awful.

AIBU so put in a formal complaint about her?

Probably, your right she is that sort of a TA…a gossip with no professionalism!!!

Hers was a special lockdown, for strong-willed children.

3-5 year olds will be far more affected by lockdown then lockdown babies. A small baby doesn't care about socialising, and barely knows where it's own face is, let alone feeling they aren't missing out on staying at home. Many will also have had dad's around far more because of furlough etc, and working from home.

My youngest was 11m when we went into lockdown. Most of her toddlerhood involved restrictions. They are the age that lost the socialisation.

22 years. Disliked one kid in all that time. I don't know why, lots of staff felt the same.
He ended up in prison for grooming 13 year olds.

Yep perfectly aware of this as my DD was 18 months at 1st lockdown. Doesn't mean she gets a free pass to be naughty. And there has been plenty of time in last 3 years for socialisation

Well OP if you can do better, you become a TA and do the job yourself

I would urge you to trust your instincts and protect your child.

OP why are you only allowing your DD to do half days? She's already missed out on so much due to lockdowns & your own shielding, surely you'd want her to access as much education/socialisation as possible?
It must be incredibly disruptive to everyone, your DD included, to be leaving half way through the day. She's already missed half her first Reception term - that will be so much learning list, not just academic, but everything - making friends, sharing, turn taking, lining up, getting undressed/dressed etc.
My own DS is 4 (summer born) & has been at school full time since September as I wanted him to get as much from it as possible. & yes his behaviour can be worse, but that's because he's tired from learning & experiencing so much each day.

Ha ha.

Similarly - taught one boy who I really struggled to like. I tried, but it was really difficult.

He murdered a teenage girl when he was 16.

It doesn’t sound like you have anything to actually complain about. Adults often speak abruptly to children who are repeatedly not doing as they’re told.

You aren’t doing your child any favours by talking her home and not letting her join in with the part of the day when the most socialisation can happen. The fact that she doesn’t legally need to be there all day doesn’t mean that she wouldn’t benefit from it.

It makes me so sad to see and hear tiny children being treated this way. Pedagogically we know they aren’t ready for the formal academics that reception forces on them, then we wonder why they ‘misbehave’. I think a lot goes on in schools which is far from ideal. But I don’t know whether OP complaining will make a dent in the problem.

So did your DD refuse to put her coat on when asked (because you don't expect her to wear a coat inside), then got upset when the TA made her wear it? I don't think the TA could have won here, it's -2° today, imagine the complaints the school would her if they sent the kids out without coats. Or the amount of coats that would be lost, dropped in puddles or stood on if you let a bunch of 4yo's carry their own coats out, resulting in yet more complaints.

The problem with the state school system is teachers like you who don’t want children to have personalities and have a different opinion and certainly not to pick you up when you are in the wrong…oh sorry I guess your never in the wrong!

A four yr old with a 'different opinion'?

OP why don't you send her all day, it would probably do her good.

OP from your description your child has lots of good points: can share nicely, chat one to one with an adult and can behave nicely. However she’s missed out on group learning environments and hasn’t perhaps learned to follow group instructions and follow instructions even when she doesn’t want to or without lengthy discussions, negotiation or argument.

For the school staff this is a problem because getting coats on at home time is a group activity. It needs to be completed quickly and not just of the child wants to. Imagine the parents complaining if their child skips out in their shirtsleeves on a freezing day? That would certainly raise complaints.

It is possible the TA is finding your child difficult. It’s also possible she has good reason to feel exasperated. We are all human- maybe she’s got a headache, her boiler has packed up or he mother is ill. It doesn’t harm children to learn that if they won’t do as they are asked they might get a telling off.

Perhaps instead of complaining it’s worth asking the teacher very nicely if there are any issues and work on them during the holidays. You say yourself her behaviour has deteriorated. It’s early days, try not to become That Parent but to form a working partnership with the school.

NB I speak from experience of a parent with a seriously awkward child. A fully functional adult now thankfully.

You need all the head wobbles if you think reception is formal academics,

Why do you doubt it. All Teachers and T.As have students they dislke just like all Teachers/TAs have their favorites. However a good TA or Teacher would not make a child aware of this. No child should be feeling disliked..

No doubt because ‘she knows best’ for her ‘strong-willed, bold little cherub’ 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 (eye roll so far I can’t see anything)

Yeah, we all know what 'strong willed' really means 🤣

Ha ha. It's not dramatic but probably true. I've seen some of the kids in my boys' school and listened to the parents' unbelievable justifications for their disgusting behaviour.

The thankless task my teacher friends have trying to politely influence parents into installing boundaries and respect falls on certainly some deaf ears.

I'm with the teachers on this one; I couldn't do what they do for a gold clock....because of the parents.

Its not really the childs fault lets face it. But enabling crap behaviour will leave you with a kid no one looks forward to being around.

So I feel there is more to this story.

Firsts of all, if you feel that the TA has taken a personal dislike to your daughter I would not lodge a formal complaint but talk to teacher one on one and raise a concern. Explain what you have actually observed in how she treats/speaks to your child. Don't mention other children, whether you feel the are more difficult or not, or chatting to other parents more, that's just speculation on your part. Just mention the situations you have experienced.

At the same time i think you are making too much out of it and have been unreasonable in some expectations. The fact that you got very offended that she was requested to put on her coat as you don't expect it inside is very telling. In school she is expected to follow school expectation,one of which in every school more or less up and down the country they put their coat on to go home. Especially in winter and in the current weather conditions.

Do you know how many times a day a teacher/TA gives instructions to be told, 'my mum says I don't have to do that.' Teaching your daughter to respect the school expectations and routines and understand there is a reason they are there and follow them will also help establish if it is personal or the TA is simply expecting your child to follow instructions.

Absolutely this. Teachers and TAs are human and a minority of them aren't very nice and get things wrong.

It doesn't matter if OP's is badly behaved. Lots of kids struggle with behaviour in reception. One of my DC did and the other found it all much easier.

OP my advice is to approach the school but not go on the offensive. Try to keep it factual. DD feels unsupported in the classroom and it's affecting her emotionally. Don't make accusations about the TAs feelings but detail the behaviour which is causing issues.

I'm a teacher and don't use 'strong willed child' euphemistically. In fact, they're often the nicest kids. It's just a way to describe a strong character who is particularly determined. One who is curious, inquisitive and rewarding to teach. Some of my highest achievers academically are strong willed. You need these types in life - they have the courage of their convictions and stick up for what's right. I'd challenge the posters who say it's a euphemism for poorly behaved.

Agree OP - document what you saw factually if you do lodge a complaint.

It's not ok to bully a child.

I can't believe this needs to be said.

This! My DD is strong willed. I'd rather my children have a strong character tbh.