TA doesn’t like my child and made her really upset today.

[BelleandH]

One of the TA’s quite obviously doesn’t like my child. I’ve had a feeling there is a problem for a while but it’s so difficult to approach firstly because she’s sligh about it and secondly because I don’t want her to treat my DD any worse.
I’ve witnessed it myself, the way she spoke to my daughter so abruptly and then to another child about the same thing straight after ina much kinder way. She avoids any eye contact with me, and will stand talking to other mothers for ages about their children (one in particular who’s children a far more trying than mine)
today it came to a head when she tried to wrestle her coat on and stormed her down the corridor to me - at this point my DD burst into tears.
I contacted the head who was straight away on the defence with his staff rather than listening to the facts.
DD is only 4, she is a lock down child from a shielding family so didn’t do any socialising from around 18 months. She’s not unruly but is strong willed. I’ve had so many compliments about her when she’s out with me so she’s not completely awful.

AIBU so put in a formal complaint about her?

I'm still confused about what the Ta did today? Letting the child to put coat on?

Do you really think people go into these jobs just to be horrible to children?

Some might. Or some might not go into the job for that reason and then get a power trip.

I have seen nurses and midwives (I am both myself) whose treatment of patients is abusive. There is no reason to think that all TAs are any different, and not all of them can be good-natured and well-adjusted.

The wages are nothing to do with how the child is treated. I've been a parent helper in schools for years and teachers and TAs vary. I've helped in classes where teachers had little patience with the children who weren't doing well or other classes where the teacher was so sympathetic to the "unhappy" children who were bullies that the well behaved children suffered. Most teachers were great, I found TAs more variable.

I think people are naive if they think adults don't have children they like/don't like just like we all do in life.

How she is a 'lockdown kid' at 4? My child is 4 and would never describe her as this. Sounds like an excuse to make all us immediately go against the TA.

She said the family was shielding so presumably someone had health conditions that required shielding so lockdown would have more of an impact than in other families.

Go with your gut. My daughter experienced a very unkind TA and it all came to ahead when an incident happened and my daughter withdrew for days, crying every night and was generally terrified when she went into nursery. My daughter finally confided in me and I went straight to her class teacher to let her know what had gone on , thankfully, my child’s teacher and Head Teacher took the matter very seriously.

I think you need to work on your dd being strong willed... I realize she was in lockdown but the sooner she is able to follow rules and not be THAT child the better. STRONG WILLED and not wanting her to be a ROBOT stand outInstead of it being a TA issue look at is as you teaching her behavior that will make life easier for her

Unless she says "I don't like your kid" you are essentially mind-reading what she may think/feel and her motives. That is almost never accurate and you will find yourself onto a loser with that approach. There could be any number of reasons why this happens and unless you can prove that it ONLY happens to your child (it COULD be happening to other kids and the one you have witnessed is the exception) then it is all just assumption.

I would just mention it to the TA. It may be (likely) that she simply doesn't even notice she is doing it. Most behaviour is completely unconscious, and we often need people to gently point it out. It is rare that I come across people who have genuine malice toward others though I would be curious if it is accurate, what is the cause of the hostility? I have people I have to interact with who 1. are resistive and difficult, making my work-day harder than it needs to be 2. try hards , who also irritate me! and 3. people who remind me of other people I don't find likeable (often physically not even as a person).

I can see why you are worried but start local and then escalate to a complaint if the behaviour isn't remedied. You don't want to alienate a professional who has the power to influence your child's experience - gentle and validating wins every time.

Good luck

‘She won’t be told by a grumpy adult and respond’ so you’re saying unless your daughter is spoken to the way she would like she ignores adults? Sounds like you probably over compensate for her not socialising and let her behave how she wants, school are not obliged to do the same. Strong willed also usually means almost everybody but the parents believe the child to behave poorly.
my child was also from a shielding family and didn’t socialise for 2 years and 3 months, I don’t use this to excuse his behaviour.

Speak to the teacher and to the TA. Make it known that you feel this way. Ask them if your dc has been misbehaving and if so ask why the teacher hasn’t approached you about it. I’ve experienced something similar and it’s horrible. Don’t let it go, protect your dc by asking questions. If there’s a problem with your dcs behaviour the teacher should’ve approached you by now about it. Go with your gut instinct.

@Facecream "And as for the avoidance of eye contact- perhaps youve intimidated her or are just not her type of person that she easily gets on with or whatever."

Based on the intensely emotional posts I would be a little wary too tbh!

This.

No wonder people don't want to be teachers or TAs. I don't blame them. You need to teach your daughter to put her coat on when asked.

I think you need some time to calm down. When you do approach the school, bullet point a list of factual points and print it out, take it with you and talk it over.

It seems to have escalated from one TA to a 'school full of horrible people'.

Where are you that anyone can get hot? It’s been below freezing all day here.

My reception child was bullied by her teacher, the extent of which I'm only beginning to find out now (year 1, moved schools, child is suddenly thriving in a way I've never seen). I sound like "that parent", but the teacher actually got fired at Xmas time because of how she was treating the children, most of the class had problems with the teacher but there's about 4 or 5 that really copped it. Good for the school for getting rid of her but sadly for my child by then the damage had been done. She's now processing a lot of trauma. I think it's rare but these people do exist and these situations do occur.

If you are 100% confident that this is what is happening, don't be afraid to nip it in the bud and be assertive as and when you see it.

"Please remember to be kind when you address my child. I understand you are frustrated but she is still very small and is still learning"

"I don't like the way you are handling my child, do you need to step away for a minute and calm down?"

"Thank you for letting me know that XYZ happened, I will address it with Child tonight and get back to you" (that way your kid knows you have your back and isn't asked to apologise for something that they shouldn't have to, or for bad behaviour that didn't happen).

Keep a diary of every incident that your child tells you about, and of your observations. Make a record of every conversation you have with senior management, and send a follow up email with everything agreed/said and ask them to confirm that they are happy with your notes.

Sorry you are going through this x

Strong willed child usually means brat!

Load of crap that teachers can’t dislike a child. I had a teacher who taught all three of my kids- she treated one totally different to the others and it was plain as the nose on her face that she didn’t like him.
I don’t expect teachers like like every kid they meet. That’s human nature and I’d never judge for it. But it should never be obvious to the child, or the parent.

Well, I believe you OP. I know a TA who absolutely hates some children in her class. TAs are not teachers and are not highly trained experienced people. Some may be professional but many are not and I know some!

Escalate the complaint and call it what it is, bullying.

I’m so sorry for your poor DD. As sheonly 4 I’d consider a school move if you can, this one sounds shit.

It boils down to this… she made your daughter cry.

Shes clearly a shit TA because even if she hates your DD it certainly shouldn’t affect her treatment of her!

I’d complain, in a big way. I have a young daughter and Id make them shed a thousand tears for every single one of hers!!

Where did that come from? Now she's somehow an unprofessional gossip?

You sound lovely - I wonder where your daughter gets her delightful personality from

@Pinkflipflop85 it's weird how people pick up these vibes.

It really doesn’t boil down to that. Yesterday I made my DD cry because I wouldn’t let her out in the snow naked.

Making a child of 4 cry is part and parcel of being around a child of 4 imo

of course I am emotional when it comes to my children. I don’t expect them to be made so upset by a staff member in a school that they’re sobbing.

It does not take much to make a four year old cry. Almost anything will do.

I don't think parents should turn a blind eye to mistreatment but nothing in your op suggests mistreatment. Complain away, but about what? What do you think the head or governors will do? I think all future teachers will be wary of you for precisely nothing.

The number of times I've heard people claim that teachers or TAs don't like their child. Do you really think people go into these jobs just to be horrible to children?

They might not gointo those jobs to be horrible, but a proportion of them are are. As a teacher I had the occasional TA who had clear favourites and children they didn't like, or who they were particularly impatient with. In one case I discovered that when I wasn't in the classroom, a aprticular TA deliberately go against the agreed behaviour plan for a child she found trying, and wind him up into a meltdown. I was not happy.

So yes, the OP's situation is absolutely believeable from my perspective. Having said that, OP doesn't sound as though she's approached this in a calm and considered way when she spoke to the head.