TA doesn’t like my child and made her really upset today.

[BelleandH]

One of the TA’s quite obviously doesn’t like my child. I’ve had a feeling there is a problem for a while but it’s so difficult to approach firstly because she’s sligh about it and secondly because I don’t want her to treat my DD any worse.
I’ve witnessed it myself, the way she spoke to my daughter so abruptly and then to another child about the same thing straight after ina much kinder way. She avoids any eye contact with me, and will stand talking to other mothers for ages about their children (one in particular who’s children a far more trying than mine)
today it came to a head when she tried to wrestle her coat on and stormed her down the corridor to me - at this point my DD burst into tears.
I contacted the head who was straight away on the defence with his staff rather than listening to the facts.
DD is only 4, she is a lock down child from a shielding family so didn’t do any socialising from around 18 months. She’s not unruly but is strong willed. I’ve had so many compliments about her when she’s out with me so she’s not completely awful.

AIBU so put in a formal complaint about her?

Please. Just try to imagine for one short second being a person on a pretty much minimal wage trying to “wrestle” 30 sweethearts. Now imagine that one of the sweethearts, who may as well be yours, draining you all day every day being a lovely “strong willed” cutie who just doesn’t listen. I don’t know why I kinda have a feeling you’re “that” parent.

A 'lock down child'? Weren't all kids this?!

But the staff has obviously asked all the children to put on their coats so why is your child different? Maybe work on her following sensible rules like put your coat on when asked.

Complain. You have to be on your kid’s team, and if she’s nervous about a particular person then you need to sort it out.

As a pp said, I'd keep an eye on it and make notes if necessary. Is she your first child? I'm not suggesting she's a pfb but school system-orientated teacher/TA behaviour can come as a shock if you're not used to it.

It shouldn't be acceptable but some of this is inevitable sadly.

Funny enough we have a child in pre school who's mother says this but your right there child has terrible behaviour.

Tough. Get another job if you can’t handle a bold four year old.

@Pumperthepumper
Im not a TA. But I’ve seen what’s happening in the classroom. They deserve a medal. I can handle 1-2 nightmarish 4 year olds. Not the whole class though. And I don’t want to either.

The class is only of 16 children. My daughter is only there until after lunch as she legally doesn’t have to be there all day.

if you can’t handle the job and children then don’t do the job. I’d rather have less staff that want to be there than a school full of horrible people who have been in the job far too long as it’s easier than re training!!

And “bold”? Strong willed, bold? Lol. How about poorly behaved, spoiled, rude? Some children are just that. OP needs to ask how her child is doing, what can SHE do to improve her child’s life at school and maybe (just maybe) THAT would be helpful. Or she can complain until another TA comes in and the story repeats

They don’t deserve a medal if they’re making kids cry. It’s shitty, bullying behaviour- the kid is four for God’s sake.

@BelleandH
Maybe that’s the issue? You don’t let her stay all day? This is after shielding, when she didn’t have a chance to learn all the important social skills, like following simple routines? Listening? Do you see any issue there? Schools are horrible, you may as well homeschool.

OP, I’ve parent helped in primary (year 1) and the kids were expected to put their coats on and be ready in the classroom before the door opened and they were taken out to parents. It would be a nightmare trying to sort out coats etc left behind if they are allowed not to put them on. I’m not denying that the TA might not be the kindest person but your DD is going to have to learn that she has to do as she’s told and put her coat on. Defiance is not going to help her at all.

Minimum wage or not, it’s not acceptable to making a child cry getting them to their parent. We don’t find that acceptable with care workers for the elderly, or the mentally ill, or other vulnerable groups, and those workers are also generally poorly paid in often difficult roles. Compassion and patience are essential when dealing with young children, even if they are badly behaved (which it’s not clear that OP’s child was) and even if you’re low paid.

This is one where I think the other side of the story would be very useful. The language used by the OP certainly sounds like she has a rather dramatic personality!

Perhaps the child cried because she doesn't like the fact someone is not going to pussy foot around her being 'strong willed' (aka disobedient).

@Pumperthepumper
My child of 4 would cry in the past (they are older now) if they didn’t have a second desert or if I didn’t let them throw mud at their sibling. They would cry.
Honestly OP we all know that we love our children more than anything in the world. But sometimes we are doing them disservice by having this overprotective oversensitive attitude. It’s very likely that your child will meet “abrupt” attitudes from staff is she doesn’t follow the rules, even if you complain about this TA.

At the age of 4 you are already in danger of being "that parent". If you make a formal complaint over something this minor the next 14 years are going to be very fraught!!

My child certainly isn’t a robot, she won’t be told by a grumpy adult and respond. However, she will be spoken to like a four year old should and then always does as she’s told. She stood in a long queue having a lovely conversation with a polite and friendly adult just yesterday.

The problem seems that the TA isn’t happy in her job and she’s letting affect the way she treats the children.
I do t think that my child is the only one but what is clear from this thread is that there a far more parents willing to turn a blind eye to bad treatment of their children for a quite life!!

It can happen OP, it happened to my child. One year absolutely no problems at school, the next year the teacher didn't like him and he was constantly being picked on and blamed for things to the extent that he would come home and cry and say that he wanted to die. Her attitude infected the TA who had previously been lovely to him, and was nice enough once he wasn't in her class. Next year with a different teacher it was back to him being a happy child who loved school.

I did request a meeting where I made it clear I thought the teachers behaviour was unprofessional - that even if she didn't like him she shouldn't make it obvious and she looked shocked when I told her that she made him want to die. He was six years old!!

I think you'd need to elaborate on what you mean by "strong willed" as there is a vast difference between a confident, extroverted kid and one that just does whatever they please and doesn't listen to basic instructions. IME teachers encourage children to be themselves and develop their personalities, not squash them or force them to be robots, however in a school setting there's an expectation of following basic instructions without hassle.

I'm not suggesting your DD is getting on like a brat but if the rest of the class is doing as they're told and she's refusing to do x or y then I can see how it would try the TA's patience

You’re their parent though. You’re not somebody they don’t know well and are scared of. You seem to have very little understanding of children, what was your role in the school you worked in?

@NumberTheory
It’s important though. I had a chance to see what’s happening there on the “inside” and seriously I can’t stress that enough, I don’t think even 2x wage covers.

@BeanieTeen - no she doesn’t. She sounds like a caring mum. I’ve worked in schools. I’ve seen some nasty pieces of work. TAs are generally paid minimum wage and don’t need experience. Our school advertised that very fact! It’s disgusting because within a few weeks, they’re left to cover classes and be as horrible as they like. There’s a TA at our school who needs firing asap. She’s absolutely vile to the kids, screams in their faces, so so unkind. The head’s attitude? At least she turns up! 🤯

Just popping on to say I hear you OP. I’ve seen a lot, and some staff in schools shouldn’t be there. Also the education system is outdated and focused on the outcome of every child fitting the same mould, and it’s seriously damaging many children and young people. Some schools operate in a scarily similar way to prisons. I doubt you’ve imagined what you have described. I believe you. I would definitely be unhappy with my child being physically manhandled and you are right to formulate a complaint. When you do, stick with fact-based information and leave your emotions out of it. As evidenced here, people use it against you unfortunately.