To be angry and upset to receive Christmas Cards?

[Evanted76]

My 24yr old son brutally took his life just before Xmas three years ago.

As you can imagine, we have all (me, DH and DS2) been a mess. We have all been diagnosed with PTSD and major depression. Both me and DS2 have been receiving trauma bereavement counselling.

We are now at a place where the pain is softening and I have a mixture of good and bad days. However, as you can imagine, Christmas, is hard. Very hard. We have the double whammy of it being Xmas plus the awful anniversary of our eldest son's suicide.

Despite this, my in laws (he has two sets of parents as his Mum and Dad divorced and remarried years ago) insist on sending us, and my own parents (who are still very much affected by their grandson's shocking death) Xmas cards! Even the first year, we received a card from them telling us to Have a Wonderful Xmas and Happy New Year! At the time, our living room was still filled with sympathy cards!! and enough flowers to make a florist jealous!

I've just been binning any cards that have been pushed through by neighbours and acquaintances who don't know what happened to us (we moved not long after he died) but I've just angrily binned another card from my father in law and step mother in law. I've told DH to have a word with his family as it hurts. He said he didnt want to as he doesnt want to upset them and told me just to throw them away. Surely they should understand its inappropriate? AIBU?

I lost my father on Xmas day a few years ago. I never thought bad of anyone for sending me Xmas cards etc on subsequent Christmas’s. Never gave it a thought. Yes, I still have a sad moment on Christmas Day, but I don’t expect others to second guess what is appropriate. I think people are probably thinking of what you might be going through, and just want to show that they care. It must still be very raw for you OP, but please just accept the cards graciously, knowing that they’re coming from a place of good.

I’m so sorry for your loss, OP - it is unimaginable. 🕯️🤍 for your son.

YANBU - of course you’re not.

In the interests of helping you feel less ill-will towards your DH’s family, it could be a case of them thinking they’re genuinely doing the right thing, and that - to them - not sending a card would be unimaginable, as they need to know you’re in their thoughts.

It is so often the case that people don’t always know what a grieving person wants or needs, and the risk of getting it wrong is high.

There will be other families out there who’ve experienced (similar) loss, who would absolutely hate the Christmas cards to suddenly stop. This would be incredibly hurtful to them, as they’re left thinking people don’t care, or worse, just want to distance themselves from them.

The point is though, that receiving cards is incredibly hurtful for you. So you, or your DH, are well within your rights to politely ask family members to simply stop.

I don’t understand why your DH can’t say to his parents that he acknowledges the thought behind the cards, that he knows they’re sent with love and care, but that they’re a very painful reminder of what you’ve lost, and as such you’d be very grateful if they could stop sending cards at Christmas. It’s a small ask, and one that you would hope - given how much you know they love you all - they would be happy to accommodate.

I can’t understand why anyone would have an issue saying this to family.

Because anyone who - on hearing that - would default to defensive anger ahead of the grieving person’s simple wishes - is not someone whose feelings even need to be considered.

My DH doesn't care one bit about Xmas Cards. We have only put our Xmas tree up because I suggested it and said it would be a nice thing to do in honour of our son. Otherwise we wouldn't have any decorations up at all.

He doesn't like having awkward conversations involving our grief with his dad. At the end of a gruelling inquest, he tried to talk to his Dad on the phone about things when asked "how is everyone?" When DH answered "actually Dad things are shit right now" his Dad promptly changed the subject and started talking about the weather.

I really hope people can stop comparing the loss of a parent with the loss of a child. It is not even in the same ballpark.

I say this as someone who lost both parents relatively young.

Well if he doesn't like having awkward conversations with his dad why are you pushing him to do just that? If he doesn't want the cards just throw them away but don't push him to do something he isn't comfortable with.

I'm so very sorry for your loss op and I am sorry that this time of year is so difficult for you. You are entitled to your feelings.

In response to your AIBU; I have lost someone close to me through suicide, but not a child, which must surely be the most painful loss someone can experience. .

My relative didn't die around Christmas time, but we had the opposite experience to you and quite a significant number of people didn't contact us at all and that's been hard. Some long-standing friends we never heard from again. We even had people we had known for years in the same village cross over to the other side of the pavement to avoid speaking to us.

So although I would never say to anyone who is grieving that they are being unreasonable, it might at some future point be helpful to you to try and reframe in your own mind the intentions of those sending cards, if and when you feel strong enough.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. Close relatives should heed your request for no cards.

People who haven't experienced a son/daughter/brother/sister suicide really , really don't understand how a suicide death is far more traumatic than accidental or illness related death. The grief is never ending. Three years down the line is like nothing. Twenty years after my sister's suicide, I still couldn't speak about it. Forty years on it's still incredibly painful and I can easily cry if I think about her. Many of my friends have no idea I had a sister. I told someone about it a few years back and I was sobbing.

Sorry but it's not the same thing. Every one should lose their parents eventually. No one should ever bury their child.

Another gentle yabu , they are showing they are thinking of you x

Unless someone tells them how you feel - they aren't going to understand the effect of sending cards to you.

Yes. Those of us who attempt to manage our grief by blundering on and trying to make life normal again, won't necessarily recognise that someone else cannot cope with 'normal', unless they're actually told that their actions are hurting that person.

Yes, th PIL's behaviour that initial Christmas was bewildering. But three years on they do actually need to be made aware of the effect those cards have on you. They can't read your mind.

Whenever grief is brought up on mumsnet, 'there's no wrong way to grieve' comes up.
Your in-laws seem to manage their grief with a 'fingers in their ears and pretend it's not happening because that way it's not real' strategy. Which is okay if it works for them, but they need to know that there's an element of it that hurts you. You or your DH need to let them know, and ask them not to send you cards. You can't just wait for them to realise it, because they won't.

He doesn't like having awkward conversations involving our grief with his dad.

He doesn't have to. Just a message/letter/card will do the job. No conversation needed. Just 'Evanted and I continue to struggle at this time of year, and find Christmas cards particularly hard to receive. We would ask you please not to send us cards in future, as they cause us pain. This isn't something we want to discuss, so hope you will simply accept our request. Thanks'

But surely they could be more sensitive around the message on/inside the card? Like a PP, I too am surprised how many people are saying the OP is being unreasonable. I understand the sender may not have poor intentions, but not stopping to consider how inappropriate some of the messaging is ( and to continue to fail to understand that) does seem a bit unthinking. I am very sorry OP for what you have been through/continue to go through.

Actually, on reflection, I want to change ‘a bit unthinking’ to ‘unbelievably crass’.

Kindly and respectful YABU however explain to them you don't want the cards right now, and it's understandable it's triggering for you. You shouldn't be going through this. I can't imagine your pain and sending love to you and your family during this time xxx

@Evanted76 I cannot begin to even fathom your pain.
I won't say YABU, because if that's how receiving cards makes you feel, then that's how they make you feel.

My neighbours lost theirs in an accident, and they couldn't bear bunched flowers because they were inundated after their lovely son died, and I remember his mum being angry, she said ''I hate flowers, why do people send them?''

Hers was a valid response. If that's how it made her feel, then that';s how it made her feel.

A person in our extended family took his own life in his very early Twenties, and it was beyond horrendous, it affects his siblings and the extended family and friends to this day , many years later.

His siblings somehow manage, but it hasn't been easy.

I doubt that the cards were meant to make you feel so bad, Grief is definitely the worst emotion to endure, and it does have anger associated with it, so for feeling angry, you are not being unreasonable.

I don't think that anyone is saying that OP is unreasonable for feeling the way she does. The 'gentle' comments are more aimed at saying that the PILs need someone to let them know how she feels, rather than expect them to guess.

They clearly handle grief in a very different way, and neither 'side' is communicating well. So in the kindest possible way, OP is being slightly unreasonable in assuming that they should understand what grief has done to her. She, understandably, can't relate to their way of managing grief either. And both her DH and his dad seem unable to talk in a way that would lead to more understanding.

Edit...Should read ''My neighbours lost their Son'' not ''Theirs''. {Autocorrect?}

OP, I am sorry for your devastating loss.

People are sending the cards because they see it as a way of reaching out to you and making you feel loved and remembered. They are not actually saying "Xmas Day Is A Wonderful Day For You." You're interpreting their intentions the wrong way.

Can you send out a message to people you know, explaining that you prefer not to receive Xmas cards because it makes the whole affair and the memories harder for you?

I know it's hard, but I really recommend trying to get the message across in a way that does not sound angry - long term, you will benefit so much from a strong support network that will help you out in you grief. If you send angry responses, the message people will get is that "XYZ is prone to getting upset when I make friendly overtures that I thought were well intentioned," and people may start avoiding you, because they become afraid of saying the wrong thing.

A simple thinking of you text: card or phone call to show they have you all in their thoughts would be better recieved I think.

Agreed.
Losing a parent is hard, but as you have said ''It's the expected thing''.

So sorry for your loss.
It would probably seem worse if they stopped sending them, it's hard to know what to do and how someone might feel. I'm sure they are sent out of love and for you to know they are thinking of you

I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s my baby daughter’s 11th anniversary on Saturday. I still find it hard/conflicting to be in “Xmas party mood” around her anniversary.

I would never send a Xmas card to anyone who had suffered a loss on the fist Christmas. However on second or subsequent years I would send friends a Thinking of you and wishing you happiness type of card but definitely not a wishing you a fantastic crimbo type card.

I just want to offer my deepest sympathies for everyone here who has shared their losses. I cannot imagine the depth of your heartbreak.

I think YABU. On the other end of the spectrum they could do nothing and you can feel ignored/ isolated/ forgotten. I know this was the case when my father passed at a young age.

Sorry for your loss though

Trying to say this gently but are you going to reject Christmas cards every year, forever? If they didn't send cards then that would be insensitive. Why do cards upset you so much? I think you could do with such really intensive trauma therapy because it's simply not a normal reaction, especially given it's been 3 years. For the first year or two I could understand. You are being unreasonable, and a bit strange. Especially as neither you nor your husband have ever told people not to send cards. People aren't mind readers. Your husband refuses to tell his parents not to send them, so you either need to step up and tell them yourself, or find a way to get intensive therapy which it sounds like you need. I also think you need to consider how your behaviour is affecting your remaining son, and how you're making it miserable for him. He is still alive. He needs to enjoy Christmas, I don't think you're being fair on him.