Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry and upset to receive Christmas Cards?

304 replies

Evanted76 · 14/12/2022 16:28

My 24yr old son brutally took his life just before Xmas three years ago.

As you can imagine, we have all (me, DH and DS2) been a mess. We have all been diagnosed with PTSD and major depression. Both me and DS2 have been receiving trauma bereavement counselling.

We are now at a place where the pain is softening and I have a mixture of good and bad days. However, as you can imagine, Christmas, is hard. Very hard. We have the double whammy of it being Xmas plus the awful anniversary of our eldest son's suicide.

Despite this, my in laws (he has two sets of parents as his Mum and Dad divorced and remarried years ago) insist on sending us, and my own parents (who are still very much affected by their grandson's shocking death) Xmas cards! Even the first year, we received a card from them telling us to Have a Wonderful Xmas and Happy New Year! At the time, our living room was still filled with sympathy cards!! and enough flowers to make a florist jealous!

I've just been binning any cards that have been pushed through by neighbours and acquaintances who don't know what happened to us (we moved not long after he died) but I've just angrily binned another card from my father in law and step mother in law. I've told DH to have a word with his family as it hurts. He said he didnt want to as he doesnt want to upset them and told me just to throw them away. Surely they should understand its inappropriate? AIBU?

OP posts:
santasbushybeard · 15/12/2022 10:08

SpicyFoodRocks · 15/12/2022 09:56

OP I have realised that many people are crap at dealing with others’ grief. I think in this country, any death is a bit of a taboo. People simply don’t talk about it and can’t talk to others about it. I feel that death is something that many other cultures ‘do’ much better than us.

I know people who openly admit that when they see somebody who has lost a child for example, they will cross the road and try and avoid them because they do not know what to say. This makes my mind explode with shock and anger. It’s so damn selfish.

My philosophy is very much to let the bereaved know sometimes on a daily basis that I’m thinking of them but they do not need to reply. After the funeral I will make sure I do not lose contact because I know that can be an even worse time, as well as anniversaries. It’s really not that hard to show you care.

There are some people who find it intensely awkward to address the concept of the death.

Add in a suicide, and some people completely freeze up and do not know what to do. Which leaves the bereaved more isolated than ever.

I am in no way excusing the behaviour of your parents and in-laws. I think it’s shit. I am just mentioning it because I think how your family and friends have reacted is a symptom of a more general problematic response to death in this country.

My heart is breaking for you. It is also breaking for all the other people on this thread who have lost children. It is an unimaginable pain and I will selfishly not let my mind even try to think of what you are going through because it is just too horrendous.

Well done for surviving the last three years and getting through each day. It does not sound as if you are neglecting anyone, being cruel to anybody and you are just doing your best to survive. Regarding something like Christmas cards, the only right way for you to behave is the way you feel like behaving. Whether that is binning them, ripping them up, burning them or feeling anger at those who should know better. Your feelings are valid.

I think they should be told. Whilst I would not expect any real understanding or insight, at least they can stop the insensitive nature of their cards.

Three years is no time at all. I am so sorry. Thinking of you, your husband, your younger son and the lovely son you lost x

Yes, people are shit.

When my mum died, I was 12 and there were two types of people. The majority who after the funeral never contacted my father again - including family and people he’d known for decades. We saw my mums lifelong best friend in the supermarket a year after - she never contacted us after the funeral, hung up when my dad tried to call her once. She saw us in the supermarket and actually ran in the opposite direction.

Then there were the few who carried on as normal and ignored it. I was ousted from my friendship group as it was my best friends 13th birthday sleepover the day of my mums funeral. obviously, I didn’t feel like going. My dad got so much grief from the child’s parent as she had already booked a cinema ticket for me, she told her dd she could no longer be my friend, which in turn made it easier for all the other kids to ignore the horror of a parent dying by just ignoring me for years after that.

There is a middle ground, but it takes empathy, compassion and understanding. Qualities that most people insist they have, but when push comes to shove, very few people actually do.

Original poster
Evanted76 · 15/12/2022 10:09

SpicyFoodRocks · 15/12/2022 09:56

OP I have realised that many people are crap at dealing with others’ grief. I think in this country, any death is a bit of a taboo. People simply don’t talk about it and can’t talk to others about it. I feel that death is something that many other cultures ‘do’ much better than us.

I know people who openly admit that when they see somebody who has lost a child for example, they will cross the road and try and avoid them because they do not know what to say. This makes my mind explode with shock and anger. It’s so damn selfish.

My philosophy is very much to let the bereaved know sometimes on a daily basis that I’m thinking of them but they do not need to reply. After the funeral I will make sure I do not lose contact because I know that can be an even worse time, as well as anniversaries. It’s really not that hard to show you care.

There are some people who find it intensely awkward to address the concept of the death.

Add in a suicide, and some people completely freeze up and do not know what to do. Which leaves the bereaved more isolated than ever.

I am in no way excusing the behaviour of your parents and in-laws. I think it’s shit. I am just mentioning it because I think how your family and friends have reacted is a symptom of a more general problematic response to death in this country.

My heart is breaking for you. It is also breaking for all the other people on this thread who have lost children. It is an unimaginable pain and I will selfishly not let my mind even try to think of what you are going through because it is just too horrendous.

Well done for surviving the last three years and getting through each day. It does not sound as if you are neglecting anyone, being cruel to anybody and you are just doing your best to survive. Regarding something like Christmas cards, the only right way for you to behave is the way you feel like behaving. Whether that is binning them, ripping them up, burning them or feeling anger at those who should know better. Your feelings are valid.

I think they should be told. Whilst I would not expect any real understanding or insight, at least they can stop the insensitive nature of their cards.

Three years is no time at all. I am so sorry. Thinking of you, your husband, your younger son and the lovely son you lost x

Thank you. You have hit the nail on the head with so many things.

I got so exhausted with people messaging me asking how I am. It's well known in the support groups that it's a well meaning gesture and intended as a sign of showing you care. But it's hard to answer. It's hard to tell the truth as you get sick of being a drain and so negative all the time, but yet it feels wrong to say "I'm fine" because you're not. Far from it.

So my best friend just sends me a little tulip emoji just to let me know she's thinking of me. That's it. No pressure to reply but the sentiment is there.

OP posts:
HeadNorth · 15/12/2022 10:12

I am so sorry OP, people can be cruel unthinking shits. As evidenced by all the posters 'gently' talking down to a bereaved mother on this thread as they don't have the emotional bandwidth to comprehend what losing a child violently actually means to a family.

And fuck off with 'I lost parent so I understand'. Your parents are supposed to die. That is the natural order, most people experience it, it is the opposite of a unique experience. Losing a child violently is a unique, devastating loss felt by few, thank goodness. If you can't empathise, as least resist 'gently' and 'respectfully' telling a bereaved mother her feelings are wrong, because you don't like them.

SpicyFoodRocks · 15/12/2022 10:17

Evanted76 · 15/12/2022 10:09

Thank you. You have hit the nail on the head with so many things.

I got so exhausted with people messaging me asking how I am. It's well known in the support groups that it's a well meaning gesture and intended as a sign of showing you care. But it's hard to answer. It's hard to tell the truth as you get sick of being a drain and so negative all the time, but yet it feels wrong to say "I'm fine" because you're not. Far from it.

So my best friend just sends me a little tulip emoji just to let me know she's thinking of me. That's it. No pressure to reply but the sentiment is there.

Show quote history

Yes. It’s not on the bereaved to have to keep reassuring others that they are ok and give updates.

I actually think we need some kind of public campaign on how to behave/not to behave when someone is bereaved. Because even well-meaning and kind people don’t know what to do. I see a lot of ‘I don’t want to bother them right now’. But I don’t think that’s good enough. A few well-chosen words in a text that don’t need an answer can help at some level. Even on the day of the funeral etc.

I think the majority of people behaving ‘badly’ aren’t actually bad people. But goodness they need to think a bit harder. I am not sure your fil will ever change unfortunately.

Your sons are lucky to have you. Life as you know it stopped three years ago. There will be a pre and post 2019 version of you. Those around you need to know that things are very different now and be more damn sensitive x

santasbushybeard · 15/12/2022 10:18

HeadNorth · 15/12/2022 10:12

I am so sorry OP, people can be cruel unthinking shits. As evidenced by all the posters 'gently' talking down to a bereaved mother on this thread as they don't have the emotional bandwidth to comprehend what losing a child violently actually means to a family.

And fuck off with 'I lost parent so I understand'. Your parents are supposed to die. That is the natural order, most people experience it, it is the opposite of a unique experience. Losing a child violently is a unique, devastating loss felt by few, thank goodness. If you can't empathise, as least resist 'gently' and 'respectfully' telling a bereaved mother her feelings are wrong, because you don't like them.

I find as well that people speak about parents who have died.

No one has ever mentioned my baby again. But they talk of their grief for parents and grandparents all the time. If I mention my baby to family, it’s blank faces.

It’s something I’ve heard a lot of people say, no matter how old the child they lost.

SpicyFoodRocks · 15/12/2022 10:19

santasbushybeard · 15/12/2022 10:08

Yes, people are shit.

When my mum died, I was 12 and there were two types of people. The majority who after the funeral never contacted my father again - including family and people he’d known for decades. We saw my mums lifelong best friend in the supermarket a year after - she never contacted us after the funeral, hung up when my dad tried to call her once. She saw us in the supermarket and actually ran in the opposite direction.

Then there were the few who carried on as normal and ignored it. I was ousted from my friendship group as it was my best friends 13th birthday sleepover the day of my mums funeral. obviously, I didn’t feel like going. My dad got so much grief from the child’s parent as she had already booked a cinema ticket for me, she told her dd she could no longer be my friend, which in turn made it easier for all the other kids to ignore the horror of a parent dying by just ignoring me for years after that.

There is a middle ground, but it takes empathy, compassion and understanding. Qualities that most people insist they have, but when push comes to shove, very few people actually do.

Show quote history

This is just horrific to read. What a way to treat a grieving dad and his daughter. I simply don’t know what’s wrong with people. I am sorry x

FlissyPaps · 15/12/2022 10:26

@Evanted76 I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I can not even begin to imagine 😓💐

Of course you are not being unreasonable. You have experienced and are experiencing one of the most unimaginable painful things to ever have to go through. I imagine it is still very raw.

Although I suspect nobody wants to cause any upset or ill feelings to you by sending these cards with “well wishes” I can totally see how it’s hurtful, confusing and bad taste.

A lot of people probably don’t know how to react. Or what to say. And that’s okay. And it’s also okay to bin the cards. It’s okay to tear them up. It’s okay to tell people “Please don’t send cards this year”.

You feelings are valid. And please never feel guilty or wrong for feeling the way you do.

DesertIslandCondiment · 15/12/2022 10:45

ComfortablyDazed · 14/12/2022 23:21

I really hope people can stop comparing the loss of a parent with the loss of a child. It is not even in the same ballpark.

I say this as someone who lost both parents relatively young.

It really isn't the same and I mean this in the nicest way.

When a young person dies there are so many more emotions.

The 'Gentle YABU' posts are unbelievable.

DesertIslandCondiment · 15/12/2022 10:52

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 15/12/2022 07:28

Trying to say this gently but are you going to reject Christmas cards every year, forever? If they didn't send cards then that would be insensitive. Why do cards upset you so much? I think you could do with such really intensive trauma therapy because it's simply not a normal reaction, especially given it's been 3 years. For the first year or two I could understand. You are being unreasonable, and a bit strange. Especially as neither you nor your husband have ever told people not to send cards. People aren't mind readers. Your husband refuses to tell his parents not to send them, so you either need to step up and tell them yourself, or find a way to get intensive therapy which it sounds like you need. I also think you need to consider how your behaviour is affecting your remaining son, and how you're making it miserable for him. He is still alive. He needs to enjoy Christmas, I don't think you're being fair on him.

As a person who lost a younger Brother I was also upset with the 'Have A Merry Christmas' cards that didn't have any mention of him.

A simple message of 'I know you miss X even more at this time of year' is very thoughtful.

My Mum admits she doesn't really like Christmas day anymore 20 more years on. We have a nice time and make the most of it but I know she hurts on the day. We ALL miss him on Christmas day.

This Comment is distgusting.

For the first year or two I could understand. You are being unreasonable, and a bit strange

DesertIslandCondiment · 15/12/2022 10:54

Disgusting even. This post really pissed me off.

CornishGem1975 · 15/12/2022 10:59

YANBU to have those feelings. It's your grief and your own to process in your own way. If cards make you angry and upset, then that is fine.

YABU to expect others to know how to handle grief of this magnitude when they've never experienced it, and probably don't see anything wrong with well wishes. I know I wouldn't and I'd hope they would be gratefully received as a sign that I am thinking of them.

saraclara · 15/12/2022 11:41

I actually think we need some kind of public campaign on how to behave/not to behave when someone is bereaved.

I'm not sure that there is 'a way' though. After I lost my DH I thought it would mean that I knew how to respond when other people were grieving. But to be honest, I'm no better at it now than I was before my own loss. Because everyone's different. Some of the reactions I got from others were 'the right ones' according to grief counselors, but the wrong ones for me personally. There were days when I'd actually prefer people to pretend not to see me and engage with me, for instance. I'm more along the lines of OP's FIL, to be honest.

There's 'screamingly wrong' of course, so let's all avoid that. But let's not pretend that there's a magic formula for engaging with the bereaved, because there isn't.

I'm so sorry @Evanted76 . And well done on getting the tree up. My best wishes to you, your DH and DS.

Dis626 · 15/12/2022 11:45

I'm sorry for your loss, but I think YABU.

DesertIslandCondiment · 15/12/2022 11:47

I'm glad sending cards is becoming less popular these days.

Original poster
Evanted76 · 15/12/2022 13:24

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 15/12/2022 09:26

I agree with this and this was all I was trying to say, albeit my ASD makes things come out wrong sometimes.

Show quote history

@iamwomanhearmeroar1

But that wasn't all you were trying to say at all though was it? Otherwise I wouldn't have reacted to your reply.

You said I was being unreasonable and very strange as it has been three years since I lost my son. You can understand one or two but three..

You said my behaviour (behaviour??) was not normal and also will be effecting my DH and other son who I had already said didn't give a hoot about receiving Xmas cards.

May I ask, what gives you the right or expertise to declare what is normal and abnormal in terms of how I handle Xmas traditions after my son stepped out in front of a train two weeks before Xmas three years ago?

OP posts:
pocketvenuss · 15/12/2022 13:41

Why are people missing the point? Even the first year they sent cards saying 'have a happy Christmas'. Who is that insanely insensitive. If you are going to send cards then at least make them appropriate ones.

loislovesstewie · 15/12/2022 13:57

The point is that the OP is in distress. Totally understandable in the circumstances. There is no limit to grief, and others should have some respect for that.
I've never liked Xmas since my mum died. I was 11 and the first one was horrendous. That is nowhere near the distress that the OP has.
I'm sending you a hug, because I can't find any words of comfort for you.

Original poster
Evanted76 · 15/12/2022 15:50

I think in hindsight it was a mistake starting this thread. No one can possibly understand what it's like to be in my position and its unfair of me to expect that. Even if you were to just sit and try and imagine what it would be like, it is not the same as experiencing it first hand. This topic is something I should be exploring in my child loss group. Not Mumsnet in AIBU.

I would like to thank the posters who have replied with kind words (whether it's YABU or not..as I did ask the question!) and I also would like to acknowledge all those who have posted to share about their losses too. 💐

OP posts:
ArabellaScott · 15/12/2022 15:58

I'm sorry, OP. I sincerely wish I could help.

FlissyPaps · 15/12/2022 16:01

Please take absolutely no notice of the insensitive people on here OP.

You’re right, most who have never experienced the pain you are just won’t get it. & I’m not sure what compels them to right write such hurtful things.

Take care❤

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 15/12/2022 16:10

I'm also writing to wish you well OP. Your story moved me to tears. You're right that this is impossible for others to comprehend; nonetheless, a little empathy wouldn't have gone amiss.

Look after yourself, with thoughts to you, your DH, and your two lovely sons.

xogossipgirlxo · 15/12/2022 16:12

I think close family who sends these cards is BU. I'm so sorry OP for your terrible loss. I hope you can manage this hard time of the year somehow x

LT2 · 15/12/2022 16:15

I think it would be inappropriate the first year, definitely. There are christmas cards that are aimed at people grieving, that usually say thinking of you. 3 years on I'd like to think I'd be OK with a normal christmas card, but I haven't walked in your shoes.

PinkBuffalo · 15/12/2022 16:17

Yanbu OP
I am not in you situation but I am completely alone due numerous bereavements, I try my hardest to not be and go gym everyday, see friends, visit mum (who is only early 60s in the nursing home and I can only sit with her)
BUT I totally get the xmas card thing. I can barely hold them. My friends who know what I been through will write “have an amazing xmas!!” When I am looking at at least 5days completely alone unless I arrange a walk or gym visit with someone (Sitting with mum does not count as company sadly as she cannot chat with me) and all this cos it is xmas and everywhere closed, no gym classes, community centre closed, all activities stopped, not allowed to work (although I will probably wfh a bit over xmas so I am not dwelling on dark thoughts), everyone busy with they own families.
Some people do not get it
I do not send any cards no more and as the years go by they drop off but still get a few and like you they just go in the bin
like you say even just a “thinking of you at this time and sending love” would probably change it for me
sending you a hug OP

Proudofitbabe · 15/12/2022 16:18

I'm so sorry for your loss, what an awful thing. Apologies if you've covered this but have you told them you don't want to receive cards? I'm sure they mean well, maybe they even think they're doing the "done thing", and that you might feel forgotten/snubbed etc if they DIDN'T.

I've learned from recent experience that nobody is ever really sure of what to do in grief situations. Before you write them off the only thing to do is ask them not to send cards.