To be angry and upset to receive Christmas Cards?

[Evanted76]

My 24yr old son brutally took his life just before Xmas three years ago.

As you can imagine, we have all (me, DH and DS2) been a mess. We have all been diagnosed with PTSD and major depression. Both me and DS2 have been receiving trauma bereavement counselling.

We are now at a place where the pain is softening and I have a mixture of good and bad days. However, as you can imagine, Christmas, is hard. Very hard. We have the double whammy of it being Xmas plus the awful anniversary of our eldest son's suicide.

Despite this, my in laws (he has two sets of parents as his Mum and Dad divorced and remarried years ago) insist on sending us, and my own parents (who are still very much affected by their grandson's shocking death) Xmas cards! Even the first year, we received a card from them telling us to Have a Wonderful Xmas and Happy New Year! At the time, our living room was still filled with sympathy cards!! and enough flowers to make a florist jealous!

I've just been binning any cards that have been pushed through by neighbours and acquaintances who don't know what happened to us (we moved not long after he died) but I've just angrily binned another card from my father in law and step mother in law. I've told DH to have a word with his family as it hurts. He said he didnt want to as he doesnt want to upset them and told me just to throw them away. Surely they should understand its inappropriate? AIBU?

Sorry for your loss op and a very gentle yabu re the Christmas cards x

Good god I've read your reply in utter disbelief. So many shocking comments to unpack. Too many to mention but just picking these out..

So the first 2 years is okay but year 3 not okay? There is no time limit on complicated grief..I know lots of other suicide survivors who still struggle to get out of bed after 5 years.

I'm being very strange?? Strange??

And my behaviour is unfair on my remaining son? Because I don't want to be sent a card telling me to have a Wonderful Jolly Xmas during an excruciating time of our lives? What 20 year old lad is going to be upset that there are no Xmas cards around the house??

We are still "doing xmas" I said in an earlier post that I have put a Xmas tree up. I'm proud of myself for doing that as not many suicide survivors are strong enough to do even the basics.

Have a word with yourself.

My reply below was directed at @iamwomamhearmeroar1

@iamwomanhearmeroar1

OP, it's raw and close so you can't see it. But you owe it to your son to live and enjoy Christmas for him. Why do cards with well wishes in them upset you, but a tree doesn't? Cards and a tree represent the same thing. So why irrationally upset at one, and not the other?

Because I put the Xmas tree up in my son's honour and have decorated it in his favourite colours and have angel wings etc on it.

To receive Xmas cards addressed to us, minus my deceased son telling us to have a Merry, joyful Xmas and a Wonderful time at New Year etc etc is hurtful. How can't you understand that?

@Evanted76 honestly, at best they don’t get it, at worst they are a bunch of vipers. How anyone can be so cruel as to write such things to a grieving mother at Christmas time I will never understand. How they can sleep at night I will never know. I am so angry on your behalf. Especially at the Christmas tree caption posted by your idiotic father in law..

Also, I think @mumsnet has a duty of care to you at this point. This is the kind of thing that can tip someone over the edge.

I lost an older child too and I understand how hard Christmas is after that kind of loss. It's brutal to have to make the best of it for the other kids, it's brutal to hear Christmas music everywhere, be told by shop assistants to have a nice Christmas and asked if you have special plans. I hear you.

I found many cards acknowledged my lost child and I was grateful for that. I was also grateful that they still contacted me rather than staying away because they didn't know what to say. Life does go on even when it hurts.

I know how tough it is but I do think you are being a bit unreasonable in assigning motivations to those who sent them. They are trying to stay in touch and show their care. If you can't handle receiving cards, let people know. It's not unreasonable to ask that people don't send them because you find it too hard. I'm sure they will understand.

We all have our own things we can and can't handle as bereaved parents. Sometimes there's no rhyme or reason to what those things are.

I completely agree with this and I have no idea what some people on here are thinking.

Such a complete lack of empathy and understanding. I accept I can’t understand what it’s like to lose a child. But I completely understand why you would not want to receive thoughtless ‘have a merry Christmas’ cards. FFS.

Mumsnet never ceases to amaze me - and not in a good way.

Another stupid comment that the OP has to explain.

This. Or "I lost my grandmother, I know how you feel." No you don't. Your grandmother was 94. I know it is still sad to lose her but she wasn't 20, it wasn't out of order or unexpected. Someone compared it to losing their cat. I know it's very sad and devastating to lose a beloved pet but it's a whole different league. I don't think that grief should be a competition of whose grief is more valid or real, but different losses do bring different complications.

My post was intended as being completely supportive to a mother who has suffered unimaginable grief, and she is the one posting here for help. I (personally, I can't speak for other posters) don't consider anything else appropriate in the circumstances.

It's eminently possible for a man to talk to his family - even if it's only to give an alternative address - to ensure he can continue receiving items which might be of comfort to him whilst ensuring the OP doesn't need to suffer anguish in addition to that she's already experiencing.

I love my partner. In his shoes there is no way, having endured this, that I would want the mother of my child to suffer further unnecessary heartbreak.

NB. The original post states that DH doesn't care anyway and actually told OP to throw these cards away. So that point is moot.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable to feel how you are feeling, keep binning the cards if that is what you want to do. It is your grief and no-one has the right to tell you how you "should" be dealing with it.
I am surprised at some of the replies on here.

But again it works both ways. He has also suffered that loss, pressuring him to have that discussion might be very unfair to him. I think the loss of a child can often cause a split between parents as they can grieve differently. There isn't a right way and one parent hasn't got more right than the other.

Supporting the OP doesn't mean it isn't appropriate to suggest his feelings are also considered.

I am not continuing this conversation on this thread. I disagree with you - I don't think it is appropriate.

I agree with this and this was all I was trying to say, albeit my ASD makes things come out wrong sometimes.

Very much agree. The husband lost his son, their remaining son lost a brother. OP isn't the only one grieving, their needs are important also. You just word things better than me ancientgran.

Your close family should be more sensitive. If it was me, I would be sending a different kind of card. Just to say I acknowledged how horrific this time of year must feel and that I was thinking of you. I can’t believe they don’t acknowledge the anniversary.

You have suffered the worst grief a person can experience. And I am so so sorry xxx

OP, hope this thread hasn’t made you feel worse. Some very insensitive comments from people. it must be so hard to feel so unsupported by your in laws, knowing that he’s their grandson as well. So you’d expect a bit more empathy.

From what I know about suicide, some people just don’t want to even acknowledge it’s happened and find it hard to talk about in a way that other deaths aren’t. That must be so painful. I hope you have other support around you with friends.

I really hope the post you are quoting is not what the majority of people think otherwise it would be very hard to get out of bed every morning!!! I was shocked at that reply and would ask the writer if they honestly believed that 2 years was all they would grieve over their child and then ' move on '.
Op. 5 years to simply navigate your way out of the fog I was told and although I lost my toddler quickly and unexpectedly (invasive strep incidently so current events are very triggering 6 years later- no I don't need more ' intensive trauma counselling) I did not have the trauma of a death by suicide. You are completely and utterly normal - completely. I'm sure all bereaved parents on here will agree. You never get over it ffs. It becomes a part of your life , yes, but if u never want another bloody Christmas card for the rest of your life that is perfectly normal and acceptable.

As for the comments re your other son. Disgusting. Do you get out of bed every morning??? Well then .
Thinking of your family - all 4 of you this Christmas xx

OP I have realised that many people are crap at dealing with others’ grief. I think in this country, any death is a bit of a taboo. People simply don’t talk about it and can’t talk to others about it. I feel that death is something that many other cultures ‘do’ much better than us.

I know people who openly admit that when they see somebody who has lost a child for example, they will cross the road and try and avoid them because they do not know what to say. This makes my mind explode with shock and anger. It’s so damn selfish.

My philosophy is very much to let the bereaved know sometimes on a daily basis that I’m thinking of them but they do not need to reply. After the funeral I will make sure I do not lose contact because I know that can be an even worse time, as well as anniversaries. It’s really not that hard to show you care.

There are some people who find it intensely awkward to address the concept of the death.

Add in a suicide, and some people completely freeze up and do not know what to do. Which leaves the bereaved more isolated than ever.

I am in no way excusing the behaviour of your parents and in-laws. I think it’s shit. I am just mentioning it because I think how your family and friends have reacted is a symptom of a more general problematic response to death in this country.

My heart is breaking for you. It is also breaking for all the other people on this thread who have lost children. It is an unimaginable pain and I will selfishly not let my mind even try to think of what you are going through because it is just too horrendous.

Well done for surviving the last three years and getting through each day. It does not sound as if you are neglecting anyone, being cruel to anybody and you are just doing your best to survive. Regarding something like Christmas cards, the only right way for you to behave is the way you feel like behaving. Whether that is binning them, ripping them up, burning them or feeling anger at those who should know better. Your feelings are valid.

I think they should be told. Whilst I would not expect any real understanding or insight, at least they can stop the insensitive nature of their cards.

Three years is no time at all. I am so sorry. Thinking of you, your husband, your younger son and the lovely son you lost x

I wish people would stop with all the “gently” nonsense as well.

It’s bullshit. You think someone’s valid feelings are wrong, so you tell them “gently”. It’s in the same vein as, “I’m no not being nasty, but…”

People are allowed feelings of their own. If the OP doesn’t want something then she doesn’t want it. It doesn’t matter if cards are send with good intentions - the OP doesn’t want them. That trumps the senders feelings of wanting to send a bloody piece of card though the mail.

Just to point out again...neither my DH or remaining son give a monkeys about receiving Xmas cards!

I know my DH and son are grieving too..and that its not all about me. To suggest I feel otherwise is hurtful.

My DH actually agrees with me that it's very insensitive of his Dad and Stepmum. His Dad is very much of the "We don't talk about our feelings" generation. Apart from breaking down and sobbing at the funeral, I've not seen FIL show any feelings in the three years it's been. In fact, it feels like it's all been swept under the carpet and dealt with. He's died, we've had the funeral, life carries on. Here's a Xmas card wishing you Merry Xmas. Because he comes from the Xmas card sending generation.

My DH just doesn't want a confrontation or conversation with him and thinks it's easier to just receive and bin the cards.